You can't change the behavior of others...oh really?

[Guest guest]

This is a pretty hot topic for me from my last therapy session. I'm doing

better with Nada and getting further and further from her craziness but I'm

hot into therapy and I found a nice group therapy to go to as the holidays

approach. Last group session my therapist (who oversees the sessions) spent

about 20 minutes rambling about how...if you have a problem talking to

people, confront them using " I " statements and not " you " statements.

Example: Instead of saying " you left your shoes out again for me to pick up,

one of these days I'm going to trip over them and break my neck. " ...say " I'm

very worried that I might hurt myself tripping over your boots, could you

please be kind enough to place them somewhere else? " OK....I have problems

with this on 2 levels..first....the " I statements " ...I don't think I need to

explain how difficult that is when you grow up with a narcissistic BPD

parent. Secondly...who talks like that?....or should I say....who talks

that way and gets the effect the desire. My comment would be something to

the effect of... " If I trip over your freakin' shoes one more time I'm going

to bury them up your..... " Well...you get the picture. (Hey...I just read

that...and that would be and technically that WOULD be an I statement...lol)

Ok so now we move into part 2 of the session...I was fresh out of the

hospital when nada and fada met me at the car door...never a " well we are

happy to see you " or " we missed you " or God forbid a " how are you feeling? "

Nope...Nada says " well I hope whatever put you in the Godforsaken place

wasn't because of something that I said or did " and Fada says " If there is

anything we can do..... " (and I trail it off because he didn't finish it)

because Nada interrupted with " well if anybody says anything we can just

blame it on your genes " . I looked at her and said well as a matter it IS

because of MANY of the things you have said AND done for the past 39 years

of my life and having to deal with your ridiculousness day in and day

out...and you CAN do something for me...take your medications and respect my

demands and my restraining order and stay the hell away from me! (and man oh

man did it feel good to get that off my chest) Well, according to my

therapist it was the absolute WORST thing to say because, after all, you

can't change someone's actions...you can only change your RE-action.

(Technically I did change my reaction...normally I'd just find an excuse to

rush into the house and then avoid them for a few days, but my therapist

wasn't hearing that part) Don't get me wrong, I grasp the concept...it's

the entire concept being SWOE and Understanding the BP mother, but why did

we spend a half of an hour prior learning how to turn " you " statements into

" I " statements. I mean...learning how to communicate effectively...isn't

that the same thing as learning how to nicely get people to do what you want

without sounding crass?

I think next week I will try a new experiment...I think I will go into my

therapy session and say " I'm here to learning coping mechanisms for my

anxiety, if you cannot provide that to me then I will not be paying the

bill " ....We'll see then if I can " change the behavior of others " ...lol

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny