Re: Avoiding your FOO

March 30, 2008

Hey Neen,

Do you have caller ID on your phone? I just send calls from my dad to voice

mail and delete any e-mails. If I let them sit in my inbox, they prey on my

conscience, so I just hit delete. If I ever want them I can recover them

from my recycle, but I don't want them.

If they come to your house, have your husband answer and he can tell them to

go away, have him treat them like they are a door to door vaccum salesman,

polite but not welcoming. Don't answer your door if he isn't home and you

aren't expecting anyone - that's my policy anyway since I don't need some

perv coming in my house when I'm home alone.

One problem I've had is with deleting my voicemails from my dad without

having to listen to them - but again - easy enough, just have your husband

or a friend delete them. I'm sort of scared of hearing my dad's voice in my

voicemail. . .

Best, Girlscout

>

> This is an area of GREAT Struggle for me. As the oldest of 5

> children, I have very different memories of childhood than my 4

> siblings. I was never allowed to be their sister, because my BPD nada

> was too busy using me to be their parent so she didn't have to! My

> father was ill most of our lives and went along with anything she

> said. Needless to say I couldn't WAIT to get out of there and

> maintain LC with all of them. I just wanted my own life away from

> crazy nada ( she definitely wasn't as crazy with them as with me).

>

> Through the years, however, I was the only sibling to host EVERY

> family function (holidays and others). Mostly because I was the

> oldest I'm sure, I had the largest home and a very stable marriage

> with two kids. About 10 years ago, I suffered a major depressive

> episode, anxiety and pretty severe panic attacks. I decided at that

> time to stop pretending that we were a normal, happy little TV

> family. I let them all know that I wasn't well enough to host

> everything anymore. This was mostly because I would suffer for days

> before and after these events when everyone, but me, seemed to always

> want to talk about how " close " we all were and what a great childhood

> we all had.

>

> This separation from them and initiation of LC with them totally made

> me the " bad guy " in their eyes. It was like something was horribly

> wrong with me. Attempts to explain myself fell on deaf ears with them

> and they avoided me frequently for the next couple of years. Had each

> other to dinner, etc., and excluded my family and I. Always with the

> excuse that we lived too far away. But... not too far to come to our

> house for years until I said I couldn't do it anymore. Yes I was hurt

> but tried to ignore their exclusion of me and my family.

>

> This all came to a head when my husband and I separated about ten

> years ago. At that time we lost our home and all of our possessions

> due to bankruptcy. They knew I was devastated, but never once called

> me to even see how I was doing. The excuse I got was they " didn't

> know what to say to me. " What a cop out! Well I got their message,

> made my own life and stayed away. I have a very stressful high level

> executive job now and work many hours a week. I'm back with my

> husband and we agree these aren't people we have anything in common

> with at all. They all remind me of my nada, trying to act way richer

> and high class than they really are.

>

> During the past ten years, I have avoided contact with them whenever

> I could. Usually saying I was too sick/previous engagement, etc. to

> attend. I thought that they would eventually get the idea and give up

> asking us to attend their " FFF " s (fake family functions) where we are

> all " bestest friends " with each other. It grows increasingly

> difficult, however, to avoid them. They continue their stupid get

> togethers. They keep inviting me and keep putting me in the place of

> having to explain myself. I'm totally over it now. My husband won't

> go AT ALL and doesn't care what they think of him. I guess I'm guilty

> that they see their older sister as wanting nothing to do with them.

>

> I endured being ignored for years by them, even when I wasn't

> ignoring them. I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad when I

> decline. I just want them to leave me alone. My husband and kids

> agree. They want to do things with just our family and grandkids.

>

> I've been NC with nada for more than 2 years. I don't want to hear

> about how she is doing in the NH. I'm also tired of them bragging on

> their families and how wonderful everything is. I mean c'mon everyone

> has some difficulties in their life.

>

> I'm the only sibling who suffers from depression; anxiety; and panic

> attacks. Although, one brother is an alcoholic, one sister is alomost

> anorexic and a food nazi; my other brother and sister moved out of

> state and only returned recently after about 25 yrs away. None of

> them really ever did anything to me personally. Just don't really

> seem to think of me as their sister. Not their fault I guess, but it

> is what it is now.

>

> Two questions:

>

> 1. Has anyone just wanted to have NC or, at best, LC with their

> siblings after a pretty crummy childhood?

>

> 2. Since they proved they wouldn't be there for me in times of

> trouble, why won't they just leave me alone now?

>

> I need insight because I'm at the end of my rope about what to do

> here. Thanks! neen

>

April 2, 2008

Neen,

As the oldest of (4) children, I related a lot to your post. I assume you

were the parent to your siblings from a very young age. The reason they

remember their childhood as being much better than yours, is because YOU were

their MOTHER. YOU took the majority of the blows from your nada, so they didn't

have to. You raised them and your mother at the same time. The reason I know

this is because I did the same thing (and I am sure a lot of other people on

this board have done so too). While you were killing yourself to run the

household as a child, your nada was most likely playing her games in the

background. She painted you black to your siblings and did her best to keep you

isolated and alone.

As you grew up, you naturally assummed it was your responsibilty to have all

the family functions at your home. Why not -- you have been doing everything

since elementary school? Your nada probably indirectly put pressure on you as

well to just take care of it!!!

On closeness, maybe your siblings were and are close. They may have had time

as kids to actually be kids (if you were the one doing everything). I am

completely different from all (3) of my siblings. I find all three of them to

be very selfish and they would never ever think of helping me. I am the one who

is supposed to do everything. We are complete opposites. All three still run

to nada and she still plays her games of making me out to be the bad one. My

nada was always jealous and hateful towards me, and I think over time this

behavior is imitated by my siblings (whether consciously or not).

My siblings always try to exagerate their lives too. I think this is some

sort of bpd flea. Each sibling has some story that is more impressive than the

next. It is really ridiculous. Half of the stories sound like complete lies,

my husband and I just laugh.

My siblings do not intentionally go after me, it is just the sheer

indifference that would get to me. They would only contact me if they needed me

or my husband to do something for them or my nada. I had surgery about two

years ago and not even a phone call or card from any of my siblings. (My

co-workers called and mailed cards.)

I am NC with my siblings and my nada for 8 months now. The final blow was

when my nada blamed me for my father's stroke. I emailed all my siblings

telling them how upset I was, I am still waiting for a response or a phone call.

If you do not want to have your siblings in your life, then don't. If a

relationship does not bring you any happiness, it is not a relationship worth

having. I think your role is defined in the family and cannot be changed. You

can try and explain yourself forever but noone is listening. I think it is very

telling of your siblings personalities that none of them helped you during your

separation with your husband. I hope this post helps ;-)

neenmac wrote:

This is an area of GREAT Struggle for me. As the oldest of 5

children, I have very different memories of childhood than my 4

siblings. I was never allowed to be their sister, because my BPD nada

was too busy using me to be their parent so she didn't have to! My

father was ill most of our lives and went along with anything she

said. Needless to say I couldn't WAIT to get out of there and

maintain LC with all of them. I just wanted my own life away from

crazy nada ( she definitely wasn't as crazy with them as with me).

Through the years, however, I was the only sibling to host EVERY

family function (holidays and others). Mostly because I was the

oldest I'm sure, I had the largest home and a very stable marriage

with two kids. About 10 years ago, I suffered a major depressive

episode, anxiety and pretty severe panic attacks. I decided at that

time to stop pretending that we were a normal, happy little TV

family. I let them all know that I wasn't well enough to host

everything anymore. This was mostly because I would suffer for days

before and after these events when everyone, but me, seemed to always

want to talk about how " close " we all were and what a great childhood

we all had.

This separation from them and initiation of LC with them totally made

me the " bad guy " in their eyes. It was like something was horribly

wrong with me. Attempts to explain myself fell on deaf ears with them

and they avoided me frequently for the next couple of years. Had each

other to dinner, etc., and excluded my family and I. Always with the

excuse that we lived too far away. But... not too far to come to our

house for years until I said I couldn't do it anymore. Yes I was hurt

but tried to ignore their exclusion of me and my family.

This all came to a head when my husband and I separated about ten

years ago. At that time we lost our home and all of our possessions

due to bankruptcy. They knew I was devastated, but never once called

me to even see how I was doing. The excuse I got was they " didn't

know what to say to me. " What a cop out! Well I got their message,

made my own life and stayed away. I have a very stressful high level

executive job now and work many hours a week. I'm back with my

husband and we agree these aren't people we have anything in common

with at all. They all remind me of my nada, trying to act way richer

and high class than they really are.

During the past ten years, I have avoided contact with them whenever

I could. Usually saying I was too sick/previous engagement, etc. to

attend. I thought that they would eventually get the idea and give up

asking us to attend their " FFF " s (fake family functions) where we are

all " bestest friends " with each other. It grows increasingly

difficult, however, to avoid them. They continue their stupid get

togethers. They keep inviting me and keep putting me in the place of

having to explain myself. I'm totally over it now. My husband won't

go AT ALL and doesn't care what they think of him. I guess I'm guilty

that they see their older sister as wanting nothing to do with them.

I endured being ignored for years by them, even when I wasn't

ignoring them. I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad when I

decline. I just want them to leave me alone. My husband and kids

agree. They want to do things with just our family and grandkids.

I've been NC with nada for more than 2 years. I don't want to hear

about how she is doing in the NH. I'm also tired of them bragging on

their families and how wonderful everything is. I mean c'mon everyone

has some difficulties in their life.

I'm the only sibling who suffers from depression; anxiety; and panic

attacks. Although, one brother is an alcoholic, one sister is alomost

anorexic and a food nazi; my other brother and sister moved out of

state and only returned recently after about 25 yrs away. None of

them really ever did anything to me personally. Just don't really

seem to think of me as their sister. Not their fault I guess, but it

is what it is now.

Two questions:

1. Has anyone just wanted to have NC or, at best, LC with their

siblings after a pretty crummy childhood?

2. Since they proved they wouldn't be there for me in times of

trouble, why won't they just leave me alone now?

I need insight because I'm at the end of my rope about what to do

here. Thanks! neen

---------------------------------

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.

April 2, 2008

>

> If a relationship does not bring you any happiness, it is not a

relationship worth having.

-

That is so well put and applicable to siblings, parents, friends, etc.

I think our struggle with what to do about family comes from our sense

of obligation and guilt because we are " blood relatives. "

There is a quote by Bach that I think is applicable:

" The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of

respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family

grow up under the same roof. "

There are people in my life who I believe were put there because they

were meant to be my surrogate family. As much as I might wish things

were different with my Nada, they never will be. I can either wallow

indefinitely in grief and anger or move forward and appreciate those

who appreciate me. In some cases, I think those relationships can be

richer because they were not born out of obligation.

Thanks for you insight.

JJFan

April 2, 2008

Hi, I really related to this thread. I was the oldest of 4 siblings

and there are big age differences between me and them. I remember

doing a lot for my siblings (well, not the youngest because I had

practically left home when she was born) - it was always my

responsibility to dress and feed and bathe them, and spend most of

the week babysitting. My nada, despite insisting on having 4

children, really hated spending time with them, so most of the

burden fell to me and my father, who I loved dearly and tried to

protect. And she knew this, so there were constant threats about

how if I didn't do a chore, she would punish my father instead. Yet

even after phenomenal improvement in my mental health after 2 years

of LC, I still question my memories - because what I remember most

of all is my nada telling me that I was a selfish, spoiled little

brat who never helped around the house at all.

Anyway, today I don't get along at all with the sibling who is

closest in age (7 years younger than me). I think someone on ehre

introduced the term mini-nada, and it fits. She is selfish to the

extreme and has never made any effort to contact or keep in touch

with me. I used to really go out on a limb to call her regularly,

but I realized that we were having these 40 minute conversations

where she never asked how I was. I think she sent me an e-mail

once, when she wanted money. My younger two siblings are still at

home, and I'm afraid I can't relate to them either. I grew up

thinking (and being told) that it was my job to raise them and care

for them financially, but once I got over that I've come to the sad

conclusion that there's little you can do even emotionally when

someone is exposed 24-7 to such a sick system.

So yes, I think going LC or NC with your siblings is fine. We have

the right to be able to benefit from our relationships. My siblings

are so much under nada's influence that they woudl never think of

having any responsibility in maintaining a relationship. I hope it

changes (though I've lost all hope for the older one), but for now

that's the situation.

Hey, my FOO loves to harass me just when they feel me slipping

away. My nada will try to make contact any time she feels me

getting less dependent. Could this be in play for you?

> This is an area of GREAT Struggle for me. As the oldest

of 5

> children, I have very different memories of childhood than my 4

> siblings. I was never allowed to be their sister, because my BPD

nada

> was too busy using me to be their parent so she didn't have to! My

> father was ill most of our lives and went along with anything she

> said. Needless to say I couldn't WAIT to get out of there and

> maintain LC with all of them. I just wanted my own life away from

> crazy nada ( she definitely wasn't as crazy with them as with me).

>

> Through the years, however, I was the only sibling to host EVERY

> family function (holidays and others). Mostly because I was the

> oldest I'm sure, I had the largest home and a very stable marriage

> with two kids. About 10 years ago, I suffered a major depressive

> episode, anxiety and pretty severe panic attacks. I decided at

that

> time to stop pretending that we were a normal, happy little TV

> family. I let them all know that I wasn't well enough to host

> everything anymore. This was mostly because I would suffer for

days

> before and after these events when everyone, but me, seemed to

always

> want to talk about how " close " we all were and what a great

childhood

> we all had.

>

> This separation from them and initiation of LC with them totally

made

> me the " bad guy " in their eyes. It was like something was horribly

> wrong with me. Attempts to explain myself fell on deaf ears with

them

> and they avoided me frequently for the next couple of years. Had

each

> other to dinner, etc., and excluded my family and I. Always with

the

> excuse that we lived too far away. But... not too far to come to

our

> house for years until I said I couldn't do it anymore. Yes I was

hurt

> but tried to ignore their exclusion of me and my family.

>

> This all came to a head when my husband and I separated about ten

> years ago. At that time we lost our home and all of our

possessions

> due to bankruptcy. They knew I was devastated, but never once

called

> me to even see how I was doing. The excuse I got was they " didn't

> know what to say to me. " What a cop out! Well I got their message,

> made my own life and stayed away. I have a very stressful high

level

> executive job now and work many hours a week. I'm back with my

> husband and we agree these aren't people we have anything in

common

> with at all. They all remind me of my nada, trying to act way

richer

> and high class than they really are.

>

> During the past ten years, I have avoided contact with them

whenever

> I could. Usually saying I was too sick/previous engagement, etc.

to

> attend. I thought that they would eventually get the idea and give

up

> asking us to attend their " FFF " s (fake family functions) where we

are

> all " bestest friends " with each other. It grows increasingly

> difficult, however, to avoid them. They continue their stupid get

> togethers. They keep inviting me and keep putting me in the place

of

> having to explain myself. I'm totally over it now. My husband

won't

> go AT ALL and doesn't care what they think of him. I guess I'm

guilty

> that they see their older sister as wanting nothing to do with

them.

>

> I endured being ignored for years by them, even when I wasn't

> ignoring them. I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad when I

> decline. I just want them to leave me alone. My husband and kids

> agree. They want to do things with just our family and grandkids.

>

> I've been NC with nada for more than 2 years. I don't want to hear

> about how she is doing in the NH. I'm also tired of them bragging

on

> their families and how wonderful everything is. I mean c'mon

everyone

> has some difficulties in their life.

>

> I'm the only sibling who suffers from depression; anxiety; and

panic

> attacks. Although, one brother is an alcoholic, one sister is

alomost

> anorexic and a food nazi; my other brother and sister moved out of

> state and only returned recently after about 25 yrs away. None of

> them really ever did anything to me personally. Just don't really

> seem to think of me as their sister. Not their fault I guess, but

it

> is what it is now.

>

> Two questions:

>

> 1. Has anyone just wanted to have NC or, at best, LC with their

> siblings after a pretty crummy childhood?

>

> 2. Since they proved they wouldn't be there for me in times of

> trouble, why won't they just leave me alone now?

>

> I need insight because I'm at the end of my rope about what to do

> here. Thanks! neen

>

> ---------------------------------

> You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of

Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

>

April 2, 2008

:

Thanks to you and the others for your insight. It always is such a

great comfort to know that I am not alone. That someone else besides

me KNOWS what I have experienced. Almost every word of your reply

could have been written by me. I absolutely was painted black to my

siblings. As I said in an earlier post, my youngest sister, after she

was grown said, " Wow you're really a nice person. Mom always told us

how bossy and selfish you were and you are noting like that. You are

one of the most caring people I've ever known. "

Mostly though you are right. It is their almost total indifference

towards me that really hurts. Maybe I shouldn't even have that kind

of expectation with them. I'm expecting them to appreciate all that I

sacrificed for them and how could they know that. I certainly don't

expect my own kids to feel that way! Because I was my sibling's

parent I guess I'm looking for something from them that they really

can't give to me.

I know for sure no one can give me a mother. I never had that and

never will. I can't think about that too hard or it is truly crushing

to me. Thanks again for listening. neen