They called again - need suggestion

April 9, 2008

I am currently NC with my parents since before Christmas (they handed

me the NC by saying, among other things, they didn't have a daughter if

I continued to associate with my Uncle - painted black of course).

Additionally, Nada spent over a year lying about me and my husband

behind my back to my extened family. Right before Easter they called

and left a voicemail asking to see my daughters Easter Weekend. As

luck would have it, my Ex-husband was taking the girls to Florida for a

week. So I had the girls call them to let them know they would be gone.

Last night my parents left a voicemail on my home phone for my

daughters saying they wanted to know how their trip went and that they

have Easter presents for them. The message was bizarre in and of

itself...they seem to forget the girls are 9 years old and 12 years old

(they are about to turn 10 and 13)...the message was more like the

girls are in kindergarten (think Mr. , but with a slightly psycho

edge). I haven't told the girls about the message (I only listened to

it this morning) and I'm not sure what I should do. Likely Nada's

gifts are some crappy shirts that won't fit, a chocolate bunny and some

tacky earings (two years ago she gave them these tacky bunny ears that

my eldest dubbed the demon bunny earrings). Doing nothing is an

option...but I don't want them showing up at my house when my kids are

home alone after school.

Any thoughts?

April 9, 2008

Well, for one thing -- your parents seem to want it both ways: they

no longer have a daughter, but they have grandchildren from her?

And what a terrible, manipulative thing to say to one's daughter:

that they NO LONGER HAVE A DAUGHTER. And they then want to turn

around and have some sort of " presents from the sky " relationship

with your kids? I wouldn't put up with this back-door manipulative

ploy.

I say hold them to their word: if they no longer have a daughter,

they can't separately conduct a relationship with that daughter's

children. You are the layer in the middle, and them wanting to

communicate with your children and leave you out should be

unacceptable. It dilutes your authority as the mother of these two

minors. I think it's disrespectful to say such a vile thing to a

mother, but yet try to interact with her children. You're not

obligated to hand your children over to the same people who seek to

emotionally blackmail you into bending to their will.

THEY are the ones who drew such an extreme line in the sand. Hold

them to their word. No one should say such hateful things to you,

then go around you to get to your children. Who knows what

emotionally charged things they could say to your children. And

giving them presents is meaningless without some sort of

relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't play this game, and I'd

keep my kids away from them. They were the ones who demanded this

situation. I'd give it to them. I'd make this my moment to let

them know this is MY household, MY children, and they can't have it

both ways. They no longer have a daughter? Then they no longer

have the grandchildren either.

-Kyla

April 9, 2008

AMEN!!

JaneSoul

Re: They called again - need suggestion

Well, for one thing -- your parents seem to want it both ways: they

no longer have a daughter, but they have grandchildren from her?

And what a terrible, manipulative thing to say to one's daughter:

that they NO LONGER HAVE A DAUGHTER. And they then want to turn

around and have some sort of " presents from the sky " relationship

with your kids? I wouldn't put up with this back-door manipulative

ploy.

I say hold them to their word: if they no longer have a daughter,

they can't separately conduct a relationship with that daughter's

children. You are the layer in the middle, and them wanting to

communicate with your children and leave you out should be

unacceptable. It dilutes your authority as the mother of these two

minors. I think it's disrespectful to say such a vile thing to a

mother, but yet try to interact with her children. You're not

obligated to hand your children over to the same people who seek to

emotionally blackmail you into bending to their will.

THEY are the ones who drew such an extreme line in the sand.. Hold

them to their word. No one should say such hateful things to you,

then go around you to get to your children. Who knows what

emotionally charged things they could say to your children. And

giving them presents is meaningless without some sort of

relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't play this game, and I'd

keep my kids away from them. They were the ones who demanded this

situation. I'd give it to them. I'd make this my moment to let

them know this is MY household, MY children, and they can't have it

both ways. They no longer have a daughter? Then they no longer

have the grandchildren either.

-Kyla

__________________________________________________

April 9, 2008

I agree completely.

>

> Well, for one thing -- your parents seem to want it both ways:

they

> no longer have a daughter, but they have grandchildren from her?

> And what a terrible, manipulative thing to say to one's daughter:

> that they NO LONGER HAVE A DAUGHTER. And they then want to turn

> around and have some sort of " presents from the sky " relationship

> with your kids? I wouldn't put up with this back-door

manipulative

> ploy.

>

> I say hold them to their word: if they no longer have a daughter,

> they can't separately conduct a relationship with that daughter's

> children. You are the layer in the middle, and them wanting to

> communicate with your children and leave you out should be

> unacceptable. It dilutes your authority as the mother of these

two

> minors. I think it's disrespectful to say such a vile thing to a

> mother, but yet try to interact with her children. You're not

> obligated to hand your children over to the same people who seek

to

> emotionally blackmail you into bending to their will.

>

> THEY are the ones who drew such an extreme line in the sand. Hold

> them to their word. No one should say such hateful things to you,

> then go around you to get to your children. Who knows what

> emotionally charged things they could say to your children. And

> giving them presents is meaningless without some sort of

> relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't play this game, and I'd

> keep my kids away from them. They were the ones who demanded this

> situation. I'd give it to them. I'd make this my moment to let

> them know this is MY household, MY children, and they can't have

it

> both ways. They no longer have a daughter? Then they no longer

> have the grandchildren either.

>

> -Kyla

>

April 9, 2008

double, triple, quadruple amen to everything Kyla said. Tell 'em you

and your kids are a package deal.

April 9, 2008

my only other thought besides agreeing with Kyla is that they don't

need to be showing up when you are not there and maybe you need to get

a restraining order. I think people don't give enough significance to

just how abusive it is for people to put down kids parents in front of

them, and it sounds like there is danger of this, like they might try

to drive a wedge in between you and your kids or manipulate them in

some way. If they don't have a daughter, I wouldn't want them to have

the opportunity to mess with my kids minds. I know it is really,

really tough to be put in such a spot and you have my empathy...it

sounds to me like they are used to being in control and you are going

to have to make it clear in no uncertain terms, that not only are you

in complete control of who you do and don't associate with, whether

they like it or not, but that you are also in complete control of

whether they get to see their grandchildren. There is nothing wrong

with asking them to act like adults so that they can be good examples

for your kids; if they can't, they shouldn't be around them.

April 9, 2008

Amen amen

but, I'm a little worried about the part about your kids being home alone

after school. You can tell them not to open the door - but that could be a

hard thing for kids to do.

What options do you have?

Can you enroll them in an afterschool class or afterschool program? If cost

is a worry, check with the city and also boys and girls programs. I teach

art in afterschool programs and they are amazing - the kids learn so much

and get to be with adult mentors who give them more attention than they get

in school.

The good thing is this will. pass and they will be on to the next drama.

Stay strong, girlscout

>

> double, triple, quadruple amen to everything Kyla said. Tell 'em you

> and your kids are a package deal.

>

April 10, 2008

Kyla & company-

Thanks for all of your suggestions. I guess I just needed a push. I

ended up sending my parents an e-mail (not up to a phone call) stating

basically that I was a package deal with my kids. If they disown me,

then they should have no expectations about seeing my kids. I also

told them I was not going to pretend they had not spent a year lying

about me behind my back. Additionally, I told them not to stop by my

house when I'm not home. My kids are well aware of the situation with

Nada. I had no choice but to share some of what had happened after a

particularly " animated " conversation I had with my Nada back in

August. They have had some bad experiences with her in the past and

would call me if she shows up.

I don't expect them to take the e-mail well. But save the two phone

calls, they have been completely silent for the duration of the NC to

date. My dad even stopped sending me jokes via e-mail (he had done

this in the past even when we were NC). At this point, I can only wait

and see. I warned my Uncle that Nada might call (she has a habit of

attacking him when things don't go her way with me) and I am working

from home today. So if the news prompts a surprise visit...at least I

am at home today.

Anyhow...not much I can do at this point. I've stated my position and

I guess I wait to see if they respond at all.

Thanks.

JJFan

April 10, 2008

Good job! Celebrate the hard work you did with your kids!

girlscout

>

> Kyla & company-

>

> Thanks for all of your suggestions. I guess I just needed a push. I

> ended up sending my parents an e-mail (not up to a phone call) stating

> basically that I was a package deal with my kids. If they disown me,

> then they should have no expectations about seeing my kids. I also

> told them I was not going to pretend they had not spent a year lying

> about me behind my back. Additionally, I told them not to stop by my

> house when I'm not home. My kids are well aware of the situation with

> Nada. I had no choice but to share some of what had happened after a

> particularly " animated " conversation I had with my Nada back in

> August. They have had some bad experiences with her in the past and

> would call me if she shows up.

>

> I don't expect them to take the e-mail well. But save the two phone

> calls, they have been completely silent for the duration of the NC to

> date. My dad even stopped sending me jokes via e-mail (he had done

> this in the past even when we were NC). At this point, I can only wait

> and see. I warned my Uncle that Nada might call (she has a habit of

> attacking him when things don't go her way with me) and I am working

> from home today. So if the news prompts a surprise visit...at least I

> am at home today.

>

> Anyhow...not much I can do at this point. I've stated my position and

> I guess I wait to see if they respond at all.

>

> Thanks.

> JJFan

>

April 10, 2008

GOOD JOB! WELL DONE!! I loved what you wrote to them! And you're

right: you don't know how they'll react, but that's not your

concern. You've done your part, now you can leave them be and get

back to your life.

I think it was a smart move to send it by e-mail, because an e-mail

states ALL your views before they can talk over you. (I wouldn't be

up to a phone call, either. Calling them makes me more anxious.)

They sound like a couple of muckrakers looking to stir up some drama

wherever they go. Who needs it?

My dad used to send jokes, etc., too. He's stopped, and I guess

the " ball " is in my court, but I don't have the desire to call them.

If your parents have been badmouthing you behind your back and

making trouble with your uncle, who wants to sign up to be a part of

all that angst and turmoil? It's so easy to forget that we have the

right to elect NOT to participate in it. Leave 'em to it.

You did great!

-Kyla

>

> Kyla & company-

>

> Thanks for all of your suggestions. I guess I just needed a

push. I

> ended up sending my parents an e-mail (not up to a phone call)

stating

> basically that I was a package deal with my kids. If they disown

me,

> then they should have no expectations about seeing my kids. I

also

> told them I was not going to pretend they had not spent a year

lying

> about me behind my back. Additionally, I told them not to stop by

my

> house when I'm not home. My kids are well aware of the situation

with

> Nada. I had no choice but to share some of what had happened

after a

> particularly " animated " conversation I had with my Nada back in

> August. They have had some bad experiences with her in the past

and

> would call me if she shows up.

>

> I don't expect them to take the e-mail well. But save the two

phone

> calls, they have been completely silent for the duration of the NC

to

> date. My dad even stopped sending me jokes via e-mail (he had

done

> this in the past even when we were NC). At this point, I can only

wait

> and see. I warned my Uncle that Nada might call (she has a habit

of

> attacking him when things don't go her way with me) and I am

working

> from home today. So if the news prompts a surprise visit...at

least I

> am at home today.

>

> Anyhow...not much I can do at this point. I've stated my position

and

> I guess I wait to see if they respond at all.

>

> Thanks.

> JJFan

>

April 11, 2008

Good for you! What a great step forwrd in your truth. I was in a similar

situation. I tried to do the 'right' thing by letting my narc mom see my kids

even though we weren't getting along. Even a counselor told me this was the

right thing to do. When she got verbally abusive and said things over the phone

to my kids that were inappropriate, I put my foot down. If you can't talk to me

without raging or being abusive, why would I subject my kids to that. The

couselor later came to realize I was doing the right thing by offering only

supervised visits w/ narc mom. And the supervisor had to be me...not a friend,

professional or other family member. Narc mom hasn't seen them since...all

while telling the world that I " took her grandchildren away " . I am glad I did

what I did and followed through with it. If there was one thing I was sure of,

it was protecting my kids. I believe we put up a lot less from people when

actions/behavior is directed

toward our children. That's how I began to love myself better too!

Continue making your stand and taking care of yourself and your family!

TCOY,