Trying to analyse myself: Thoughts etc.... ( Sorry in advance!!!)

[Guest guest]

Sorry to bore everyone to death. I am possibly having a midlife

crisis, who knows!!

I haven't got a diagnosis of anything except depression/OCD, and I've

been thinking of speaking to my GP in relation to Asperger's, in the

hope that I could know for sure...

I want to find out more about why my life has been like it has:

(uneventfull, unambitious- not too bad, but not particularly happy in

the past as I always felt like a square peg/ round hole... You know..

-apart from having a great husband and lovely kids, which I totally

appreciate. )

Can't afford therapy, so I'm doing it myself!!

When I get asked questions at the docs, I always forget what I was

going to say, or back out, so I thought I'd make a list of things as

they occurred to me- and I could always thrust it at the doc. if I

need to!

It's pretty long, and I don't know if I've finished yet- there's a lot

of things I haven't analysed 'till recently.

If anyone's interested, I'll post it- but I'd welcome comments or to

know if anyone has experienced similar things...

Thanks!!

Reasons I believe I may have Asperger's Syndrome:

My results on the AQ (Autism Quotient) tests I took on-line would

indicate this.

My results on the 'Aspie Quiz' would strongly indicate this.

(My IQ varies between 105 and 145 depending on which test you believe-

Usually in the 130 range.)

All my life I have felt 'alien' from other people. I feel as if it is

very hard work to fit in.

Much of the time I feel like an observer- rather than a participant-

of life.

I strongly dislike socializing in large groups- I don't mind small

groups of people whom I know well, but socializing drains me and I

feel like I need time alone to recover!

I need a few days off a week from socializing- (ideally it would be 6

days a week, but circumstances forbid this!)

I hate phoning people or talking to strangers on the phone- thank

goodness for email!

Eye contact during conversation makes me uncomfortable. I prefer non-

face-to-face conversation whilst doing other things. It makes my eyes

water, and I have to look at the bridge of the other person's nose to

sustain the impression of eye contact. I am used to doing this by now.

I don't like kissing much, but enjoy hugs from my partner as long as I

don't feel 'trapped' in a corner. I'm not really comfortable with

physical contact from anyone else except my kids (I love hugging

them!) But I'd have to know someone really well to touch them

voluntarily- I tend to tense up even when my mum hugs me, but this

isn't intentional. I have got better over the years at going along

with the touchy-feely, air-kissy thing, but can not initiate this kind

of contact.

I was always the one in the kitchen (with the cat!) at parties.

I prefer the company of kids and animals to adults!

Known for my 'odd' (I prefer 'interesting'!!) observations.

I feel like I am constantly 'acting' a part- acting like a regular

person, when I'm not entirely sure of the rules.

I am a good enough actor to fit in under most circumstances- but I

never feel comfortable being myself until I've known someone for many

years.

Would be quite happy with one or two really good friends- socializing

with more is too tiring!

Long history of depression, brought about partly, I think- by my

inability to fit in and sustain friendships. Blaming myself for not

doing things right.

I rehash every encounter over and over again- trying to work out if I

said something wrong etc..

Talk too much and too fast- never sure when to speak. Impulsive: When

I think of something, I have to say it usually...

Pretty tactful, (at least out loud!) though- these days!

Always suffered from Trichotillomania, and a certain degree of OCD.

Can't stand certain smells- ie: smoking used to bother me to the point

of being a big disability- couldn't go where there was smoking/ be

friends with smokers/ touch cigarettes or matches or ashtrays

etc..etc... This has eased slightly, but not much!

Have selective hearing-

I have very acute hearing, yet I often have trouble following

conversation. I can be driven mad by a dripping tap three rooms away,

but I always use subtitles on the t.v (particularly if it's American!)

Too much of certain noises really bother me- I hate Hoovers- and when

my kids all shout at once- can't stand more than one t.v or radio on

in the same area etc..etc.. A jumble of noise, basically.

Hate electrical hum too.

I'm not mathematical though...

I think I' m discalculaic- I have been reading music since before I

went to school, yet I STILL can't read it properly at all- I should be

totally fluent. Used to fake in orchestras and play by ear.

I was at least 14 before I learnt to tell the time on an analogue

clock- and still have to think about it.

I can't remember card games/ chess etc... unless I play them every day.

My memory is selectively bad really..

Can play music pretty well by ear, and remember song lyrics far better

than is useful!

Maybe this is more of a female thing? Being more visually orientated?

Spent most lunch breaks at school in the music manuscript cupboard,

reading- or in the practice rooms playing piano (alone!)

In the 6th form, only came in for lessons!

Ditto for Uni- only I was in the studio with headphones..

Liked to hide in cozy spaces!

I wasn't known as a 'weirdo' at school, maybe a loner- yet really I

just wasn't noticed much. I had different groups of friends, so each

probably assumed I was 'visiting' the others if I wasn't around? That

is- if they noticed at all- I don't know...

Don't feel the need to socialize, BUT also feel slightly embarrassed

that I'll be thought friendless.

I'd prefer to be reading (alone,) but also socialize when I feel it's

expected of me.

Always been the loner- through choice. Have some good friends, but not

sure how to 'maintain' acquaintances.

I do notice patterns in things- but I don't actually like this.

Certain things (patterns on wallpaper/ certain music/ phrases/ etc..)

get into my head and I can't evict them for ages. It drives me mad!! I

spent much of my childhood trying to 'read' the patterns on my

curtains (floral, but curly stems looked like writing..) It was so

annoying, like a language you don't quite know well enough!!) I find

that things that get into my head like this make me feel very

stressed, and I have to distract myself fast. I know lots of Aspies

find reassurance in patterns, but I don't think I do..

I am quite obsessive about certain thing being in their places, but

the rest of the house can be chaos!

I'm quite attached to 'stuff' although logically I know I shouldn't be.

Have certain routines I find it very hard to break, and like to plan

outings and trips to the nth degree.

Usually carry gear for every possible emergency, and really don't like

surprises as I like to prepare myself (mentally, and physically)

beforehand.

Hate having appointments planned (ie: dentists) as they play on my

mind for weeks- like to have as free a schedule as possible.

Hated going out to work- the 'going out' part. Public transport/

hassle/ having to wear certain clothes, etc... Prefer work from home,

or in a manual environment where the atmosphere is relaxed and casual.

Hated 'office politics'.

Spent much of working life in cupboards too- polishing keys in piano

makers, filing as a temp, in sound studios at college. All rooms about

6ft square! Quite content listening to radio 4 and beavering away!

As a graduate- It's hard to find jobs, as I'm overqualified for the

kind of jobs I feel happy doing. (Anti-social, manual, predictable ones!)

Don't mind milling crowds usually if it's anonymous- Ie: wandering

around London- but don't like parties, or crowds with a common aim

(sales in department stores, for example.)

However, find crowded places very draining- usually need to escape to

a park or a quiet spot to regroup!

Quite like the anonymity of big cities- hard work when everyone

'knows' of you- but doesn't really KNOW you at all.

I think I try so hard to fit in that I come across as forgettable- I

don't really know..

Pretty self conscious, but on the other hand I have NO-IDEA how others

see me- even my closest friends.

Have the interests of a retired person!! Quite looking forward to

being old- can be 'eccentric'!!

Much prefer winter to summer- Summer scares me as everyone throngs the

streets for no apparent reason, and everyone feels the need to strip

off. I'd be happier in a burka!

I love shopping when it's raining hard- nice and empty!

I love being able to legitimately huddle round a fire, or snuggle up-

Can't understand the attraction of sunbathing at all- Summer feels too

loud and busy to me!

Public places are so much nicer in the rain!