Re: Do you crave (emotional) pain/distance?/self injury urges

[Guest guest]

Mine did the same thing. Anything good that happened or that I was

excited about, she quickly put a stop to it. I was made to feel

that if somehow I succeeded at something then someone else would

suffer, or lose. And that I was un-derserving of anything good.

It was my " fault " that my father wasn't fond of my older sister (a

really mean narcissistic kid) and my self absorbed brother. They

were my mothers children from a former marriage. I was the only

child that they had together. And somehow everything that went

wrong prior to that time, was my fault. I hadn't even been born

yet. Then, because my father showed some love towards me, there

wasn't enough love for them.

It wasn't enough to place the blame for it all on me. If there was

something that really meant alot to me, the opportunity was taken

away abruptly. And I was made to feel that I didn't deserve it.

In High School, I was chosen to be a baton twirler for our school.

I was so thrilled. It was everything I wanted.

I dreamed about the little dresses that I'd get to wear and marching

in the parades and later teaching little girls to twirl. I wanted

to use it as a stepping stone to a career. I couldn't believe when

it was given to me. And then my mother refused to sign the

permission slip or give her permission for me to participate. It

broke my heart. After that, I didn't even try in High School to

achieve at anything. In fact, the thought of it was terrifying...

having something I cared so much about taken away was too

traumatic.

I think I was becoming what they call a " disappearing person. " I

gave up on my life after so many dis-appointments. Why try?

And I became a great avoider of people. Looking back, she and my

nutty father made life so emotional, nerve wracking, mind numbing

and un-predictable that I just had nothing left to offer.

She was so full of fear of everything. I loved drivers ed until I

had to deal with my mom. I couldn't take it and gave up until years

later when I went back and got my license. Every thing was made to

be fearful and dangerous. And I was made to believe I was not

capable.

Still to this day, she acts this way and where I used to buy into

it when I was young. Now, it just angers me. How dare she try to

make things so frightening for me.

Just the other morning, I had an appointment in a city about forty

minutes from where I live. She found out about it and that

morning, just as I was getting ready to leave...there she is at my

door frantic and crying and begging me not to go and pulling out all

of the manipulative crap she could think of to stop me. She was

acting as if I was about to do something horrible like commit

suicide.

I stood there puzzled for a minute trying to decide what the reality

was behind this outburst.

She was telling me how dangerous it was and blah, blah,

blah ....that I couldn't go without her (as if she could save me

from anything). So, I was trying to decide if she was doing this

because, she wanted to go up to the big city. And I hadn't invited

her. If she was hoping that I'd cancel and take her to her dentist

appointment and drive her home from it. She knew I had an

appointment and scheduled hers the same time. Not my problem.

I think it may be nothing more than my going to the big city up the

way, by my self and driving there. Which,

shows independence, is something she would like to thwart and it

was important to me.

She's been trying to make me feel like I'm somehow helpless without

her. Part of this being

that I'm incapable of driving forty minutes on the freeway and

surviving. It's demeaning and it's wrong. Maybe linked to her

abandonment fears. That if she can make me feel useless and

helpless enough without her, I will not leave her. I realize now

that is what she was doing to me years before as I was reaching the

age I wanted to leave home. It's an

believable display.

When I was younger, I would have caved in to her horrifying

emotinal display, stayed home, become afraid that I was in danger,

given in. But, yesterday, I said, " Well, I've got to get ready.

I have to leave in a minute. Can't be late. Goodbye. " And I

ceremoniously escorted her out of the door, and shut the screen in

her face and locked it.

She looked surprised. Later, she was fine, quite over it and found

a friend to escort her to the dentist.

> Call it fall out. You are trapped in old habits that don't go

away after the BPD parent is gone. You will have to work on undoing

what your nada did to you. At least she can do no further damage,

she's done enough. Just don't do yourself damage by hanging on to

old baggage. If you can let it go do so, if you can't make working

on understanding why you have to hold on to it a priority and then

work to get rid of it. Try to be kind to yourself and realize that

you have accomplished so much in spite of your nada not because of

her.

> Be strong.

>

>

>

> Re: Do you crave (emotional)

pain/distance?/self injury urges

>

> Hello

> I don't post very often, but I read a lot. It seems that lately

I've

> been trying to figure out how I could have so much pain if my NADA

> has been dead for over a year. I can't even be happy without some

> kind of self-torture following something good.

>

> It's hard to explain, but it seems that I can't experience

something

> good with some sort of " payment. " My mother could not let you

enjoy

> anything unless she was a big part of it. I am a classical

musician

> and a very good student (a teacher as well). It killed my mother

> that she had no part of that, so she destroyed anything I said

about

> my music or studies. I was so used to being punished that I think

I

> punish myself (emotionally) . If something good happens, I have a

> horrible flashback or I start an imaginary fight in my head with

> someone who would never react that way. I usually don't figure it

> out until afterwards.

>

> Were we so programmed to be punished that we can't just be happy?

> How long before we can just experience things without " payment? "

>

> Anyway, it's comforting to have someone who understands.

>

> Kerry

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?

category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

and

Thanks for the advice. It's very helpful. Maybe affirmations can

help me undo the damage.

Kerry

> Call it fall out. You are trapped in old habits that don't go

away after the BPD parent is gone. You will have to work on undoing

what your nada did to you. At least she can do no further damage,

she's done enough. Just don't do yourself damage by hanging on to old

baggage. If you can let it go do so, if you can't make working on

understanding why you have to hold on to it a priority and then work

to get rid of it. Try to be kind to yourself and realize that you

have accomplished so much in spite of your nada not because of her.

> Be strong.

>

>

>

> Re: Do you crave (emotional)

pain/distance?/self injury urges

>

> Hello

> I don't post very often, but I read a lot. It seems that lately

I've

> been trying to figure out how I could have so much pain if my NADA

> has been dead for over a year. I can't even be happy without some

> kind of self-torture following something good.

>

> It's hard to explain, but it seems that I can't experience

something

> good with some sort of " payment. " My mother could not let you enjoy

> anything unless she was a big part of it. I am a classical musician

> and a very good student (a teacher as well). It killed my mother

> that she had no part of that, so she destroyed anything I said

about

> my music or studies. I was so used to being punished that I think I

> punish myself (emotionally) . If something good happens, I have a

> horrible flashback or I start an imaginary fight in my head with

> someone who would never react that way. I usually don't figure it

> out until afterwards.

>

> Were we so programmed to be punished that we can't just be happy?

> How long before we can just experience things without " payment? "

>

> Anyway, it's comforting to have someone who understands.

>

> Kerry

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>