Help....

[Guest guest]

I know this is going to sound really dumb and trite, but I'm at my wits end

on how to solve this problem....one that has been going on for years, but

getting worse as my physical and mental situations worsen.

Dxed as an aspie years ago, not long after our oldest son was,, and

shortly before our second oldest was found to have adhd, along with my other

alphabet soup of other Dxs, likePTSD, severe depression and so on, ive

managed rather well online, with having friends in groups such as this, and

not felt isolated. For many years, I've had a service dog group, and felt I

was really accomplishing something there. But last summer, my husband and I

were advised that my prozac was pooping out, and to move on to something

else, before things got out of hand. I swear to you, this has been a summer

and fall in hell...main problem is that the change has worsened my

depression, made me incredibly brittle where I drop into deeper depression

along with seeming to go into a childish mode, uncontrollable crying,

wanting childish things, and fearing my kids and their normal quarreling. It

also seemes to have been eroding my memory, concentration on many things,

abilties (I used to be a fast typist, and good speller...this post is taking

forever, and I'm having to go back and correct things the spellcheck cant

figure out.). All of this since going off prozac. I am scared that one day

this will overcome me, in one of the childish periods, and ill OD on

something so I can 'sleep, and never wake up' to get away from the fears,

and screams of the kids.

What I have done for many, many years is play video games, to distance

myself from the fear. Last year,I discovered nintendo's animal crossing

game, that lets you 'visit' friends towns, and was in a great group of

ladies who play this togetyer. But with computer problems, I cant do this

now, and came across an online game called 'wonderland online.' great game!

You have an anime character, you have your own house, pets, build things for

your house, learn to travel around the world and protect yourself with your

pets help, and meet other people playing the game too. I was having so much

fun....till recently. I was in a 'guild' in the game, where we were together

to help with quests, defend a castle and all kinds of neat things. But

suddenly, it fell apart. Part of it was because the coowers have filthy

mouths, and most of the players of the game are children, despite the fact

that its supposed to be 18 and over only. And the things they said and

posted were not just against the rules, but the kids in the group followed

the example of the adult leaders, and were beginning to talk like them. I

asked and askd for them to stop, they would just blow me off. Finally I

reported them, and though it was supposed to have been where no one knew,

someone told them I had reported, and I got thrown out, and now all of them

hate me. I know I have problems with memory, and told them that I have

physical and mental situations that are making it worse, making me forget,

and asked their patience with me for it, to tell me when I forgot something,

so I could fix it,etc. A few days a go, a friend made me think I could come

back....this is the result of my asking to come back home:

http://forum.wl.igg.com/viewthread.php?tid=27586 & extra=page%3D1

(oh, and my ingame name, while in their group, was Allegra. Now, on another

server, my character is SeaStar)

Here is what I need help with....this keeps happning to me, over and over,

and I am so afraid now to even hope to have a friend....no matter what the

groups focus is, or game or whatever, I wind up with them banning me, and I

don't know why, and it tears me up. This hurt was most recent, but the worst

was in a group about racehorses, which I have loved since a kid. When the

mare EightBelles broke her ankles in the Kentucky Derby, I was devastated,

because it was yet another instance of a horse overmedicated, overraced at

too early an age,with all the signs of other problems in the TB industry. I

was horribly worried it was going to happen again in the other two Triple

Crown races, because of how hard the push they horses...thank God it didn't

but because I was not talking about how great it was that they could use

meds and whatever to 'keep the horses going', and otherwise talking like the

TB industry was at that time, I was thrown out, and IP banned. Why???

Nothing I said was anything that isnt said now, or hasnt been known for as

long as TBs have been raced-anything other than oats, hay, water, and

sensible care will get you nothing but a weak horse that can run only a

handful of races before he breakes down or has to be retired. But I got

banned for that.

My health has now made me house bound- I can walk around the house, but that

s about it, because of where we live in a hilly part of town, I cant go for

walks, etc. So my life is pretty much what I find online... And it hurts so

much to make and lose friends every 3-4 months.... What can I do? My friends

mean so much to me, in games, I go out of my way to be helpful and do more

than is asked, to try to offset my social idiocy. But its getting worse, and

the stress is also causing erosion of my mind...I'm taking a big risk, I

feel, just writing this to youall. But I need, need help on what to do,

before its too much for me

Gail