advice on living in a state of guilt and confusion

[Guest guest]

I am asking for some advice here, I feel like we all understand the

craziness we grew up in and the toll it has taken on us.

I see myself in so many of these posts. Nada was crazy...and

sometimes I have these flashbacks to the mean things she said and did.

I block things out, then-the flashbacks. I have tolerated so much my

whole life with verbal abuse and emotional blackmail, that have a

hard time understanding a healthy. You learn to take so much crap

from a bp parent, so you can some how survive.

So here goes- I was sharing with a friend who asked me how my

marriage is going. After I told a few incidents with husband lately,

where he is not ranting and raging like he use to, but he says very

thoughtless things to me. This friend said to me, you sound like you

are living with Mommie Dearest. _wow

Funny because I always said I married my mother....yet I have left

him twice and come back again. Yes, in some ways he has improved and

I will still give someone who has abused me- a million chances, just

like I did nada. I have such limited faith in my feelings and self.

He does hurt me with his comments and words. Yes, I have told him he

does, which he will throw right back on to me. His comments back will

be I am too sensitive and he was just joking. He is right, I am

sensitive...but so why does he go after me with his words, if he

knows that.

Then just like with nada we share good moments and I think, this

isn't perfect, but I can do this....then bamn more comments, and

blaming and shaming. Then I think do I really want this the rest of

my life?

I am in therapy and I take my prozac regularly. I also know I

hurt him and many times I put nada's needs before mine and his. It

was a sick cycle. I do feel guilty for this, but I still want to be

treated with kindness and respect. We also did go to therapy a few

years, and he always blamed his anger and temper on having to deal

with my parents...so he took it out on me. I wish I could take back

what I did. I now limit his involvement with my parents...it such a

balancing act.

God I am tired....I am so up and down...this weekend wasn't good-

he doesn't know, because explaining would mean hearing his same

comments.. however,the past 2 days were good...it is a roller coaster

ride.

Thank you for listening....any advice would be greatly

appreciated....it feels like I live in a constant state of guilt and

confusion.

Malinda