therapy cont'd: i'm going uncrazy.

[Guest guest]

this therapy thing is weird, and i hope you guys don't mind me posting

about it. this is all new and i don't know my up from down. i'm

going once every other week, but i might start going every week until

this emotional crap gets under control.

alright. so this week, my brain has apparently decided to feel every

emotion of the rainbow. all weekend, i was feeling sluggish, but i

got out and did some stuff (two bike rides, worked in my garden, did

some chores, cooked, visited with friends, hung out with the

husband...not bad for 2 days). a good way to start out the week...

ok, let me start over. recently, i have been realizing that i don't

actually feel many emotions. i'm pretty good at feeling sadness and

fear, but everything else is kind of on mute. i know when i'm

SUPPOSED to feel happy or excited or when i'm SUPPOSED to anticipate

something, but i haven't realized until very recently that i just

think, " this should make me angry " or " i should really be happy about

this. " i've been telling myself what i should be feeling and i've

been thinking that i've been feeling it, but i haven't really been

feeling anything except for depression for the last 26 years of my

life (which is all of it...and sadly, i'm not being

overdramatic...i've always been depressed).

so monday was weird. i was really really depressed, like having major

existential angst. i was just, " what's the point " about everything,

and the weird thing was that i didn't even feel sad. i just kind of

felt nothing, but i knew i was depressed because i was falling apart

at work (literally could not function. i had to get another adult to

help me through the classes) and when i got home, i found a nice, big

hardwood surface to lie down on and stared at the ceiling for a while.

tuesday was alright. i was feeling trapped, but this got me thinking

about what i wanted to do for my next career and i decided that i want

to get a masters in psychology (hey...i figure i'm already doing all

this research ANYWAY...and my kids already talk to me like i'm their

therapist even though i'm unqualified at the moment). so that was

cool. i have a hard time with jobs because i don't like having social

structures that are not transparent. i can't handle uncertainty in

the workplace. it is not good for me. so i figure being a therapist

would allow me to be my own boss AND to help people. anyway that's

the plan. got home, i was feeling actually BETTER than i do on my

good days and that was interesting. i had to make a report to CPS

because i'm suspecting abuse in one kid's household, so that was kind

of lame, but it really didn't get me down.

then this morning, i woke up at 3 am to the sound of gunshots and was

so anxious i couldn't fall back to sleep, so basically i was tired and

anxious all day to the point of having heart palpitations and just

feeling like i'm falling apart. i have never felt like a shell of a

human before, but it's like all the insides of my mind are falling out

and i'm leaving a psychic slug trail behind me and soon i'll be empty

and i won't be able to function at all. i was going to go to the

kids' soccer game this evening, but my coworker was like, you need to

go home. NOW. and i didn't even get to hang out with anyone during

my lunch period or my conference period, so i feel like i haven't

socialized at all with anyone today...and my husband isn't home yet

and i hope he's not dead.

and that's another thing, i'm worried everyone i care about is going

to DIE AT ANY MOMENT! it's so freaking lame because while i recognize

that it is a possibility, i know it's not very likely. it's really

driving me bonkers. and i'm totally paranoid that the person in

charge of my evaluation that is happening on friday doesn't like me

and is going to give me a bad eval. i'm nervous nervous nervous

ANXIOUS!!! if this is what it's like to feel stuff, i think i

actually prefer the not dealing with anything...except my back keeps

spasming and reminding me that repression is bad for me.

I HATE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!

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