Greetings!

[Guest guest]

I rejoined this group, not realizing that I had already been here before and I

am struck by the lack of any conversations going on in this group, although I

probably shouldn't be given the title of the group! However, with the burning

need I have to communicate with others who might understand a modicum of what I

go through on a daily basis, I shall commiserate about life....since I see to

have what might be referred to as " an open mike " , so to speak.

The entire topic of anxiety and spectrum disorders is of great interest to me

because I suffer from fairly intense anxiety and have for as long as I can

remember. The only time I ever have felt any type of calm was on SSRI's, drugs

for a medical procedure, or occasionally when I have been able to meditate or

get out in the mountains for any length of time. I am thinking that this high

level of anxiety is what contributes to making me, and people on the spectrum,

so difficult for others to deal with or tolerate....at times. I think that my

anxiety has contributed to my feeling throughout my life that nearly everything

is/was a threat of some type. It also makes things very confusing and leads me

to have a great deal of difficulty making up my mind about so many things, which

makes others mad. I make appointments and then change them, which doesn't go

over well, I plan a course of action and then change it several times, which

inconveniences anyone else involved and makes them mad. So I am the brunt of

others anger often, which not only makes me feel bad, but makes me angry! :-)

Kind of a vicious circle!

So, I end up being hurt, mad and lonely all the time and never quite

understanding why I am so despicable to others! I know that I am a kind person,

a loving person, a good person, follow the rules, almost religiously compliant

to the laws of the land, try to be patient and considerate of others and yet, on

some level, I feel as though I am considered somewhat of a porcupine to other

people, royally pissing them off every time I am visible! So what to do....how

to survive....how to get my needs met!? This in itself gets me into even more

trouble. Because now, I am looking out for me and I am considered

self-centered, ego-centric, selfish, uncaring, obnoxious and totally boring!

WOW, I never knew I could be so powerful affecting others in such a negative way

and not having a clue!

Of course, if you look at the " normal people " , this is what I see. People are

nice to your face and gut you behind your back and that is normal. Our normal

state is to help our fellow man, but if you do not look out after yourself first

and foremost, you will end up with nothing and then you cannot help anyone else,

perhaps not even yourself. Ever wonder why Bill Gates can set up a foundation

and donate millions to others? I don't think it is because he was ever wavering

or lacking in looking out for number one and in fact probably quite ruthless in

how he treated others in his climb to the top. It would appear to me that being

normal requires a very keen participation in selfishishness and looking out

after one's self interest to the exclusion of everything else and to feel good

about doing that. Normal people do what they want to do and if you, or other

people don't like it, that's tough... " deal with it " . My anxiety causes me to

worry and fret over every little slight I might have caused someone else ad

nauseam both before, during and after I might have committed such an infraction.

Clearly, there is much about being " normal " that I do not understand. And now I

am even getting confused as to why I started this thing anyway! I woke up at

3am, couldn't sleep anymore and had many things on my mind so here I am. I am

so fed up with feeling crappy about myself and my life and the daily struggle of

getting up, trying to act happy and normal when I don't even understand what

normal is, and just wanting someone to talk with about life and why it is so

hard. And, I think anxiety is the root of much of my suffering and lack of

understanding. I haven't read that much about anxiety and Autism and the

Spectrum, but I know from myself and my daughter, who has high functioning

Autism, that anxiety is a major component of difficulties in both understanding

life, oneself, others, and functioning in the world. After all, how can one

function effectively if everything and everyone seems like a threat of some

type?

Oh well, out of thoughts....isn't that nice! :-)