welcome newbies

[Guest guest]

Its good to find a Group where the other members understand exactly

what you are going through. Its a relief to discover that its not

just you, yourself, who is experiencing bewildering, illogical,

domineering, frightening, hateful, or abandoning or overly-needy

behavior from a parent.

In my opinion there is hope; I have written the following in the first

person because that feels more assertive to me, and to keep it shorter

I just refer to " parent " and " she " although lots of members here have

bpd fathers instead.

***********

I believe that healing and personal growth are possible for me when at

last I am able to understand and accept that:

My parent is actually rather severely mentally ill.

It is not my fault that she is mentally ill.

I can't expect her to admit that she is mentally ill and seek help.

Even if she does go into therapy it may be pointless. (A hallmark

characteristic of Bpds is the believe that they themselves are just

fine and its always everyone else who is causing their problems.)

The abuse my parent inflicts on me is endangering my own mental

health, my right to live my own life, my peace of mind, my financial

security and perhaps even my physical safety.

I need to establish firm boundaries (rules, physical distance, limits,

conditions) with my mentally ill parent in order to protect myself

from further emotional or physical abuse.

I totally do not deserve to be mistreated, used or abused. I am not a

bad person for protecting myself and my family from a mentally ill,

abusive person, even though this dangerous person happens to be my own

parent. Its my *job* and my top priority to protect my children and

my spouse from abuse.

If I find myself too weak, too scared, too beaten down, too confused,

too filled with misplaced guilt and/or too dependent to take charge of

my own life, set these boundaries and enforce them, then I need to

seek help in therapy as soon as possible to gain the insight and tools

I need to help me stand up like the adult that I am.

*********

Life is too short to live it as a slave, a child, a robot, or a

cringing little pet dog, or as any kind of victim.

So, check out the booklist RE borderline personality disorder, and I

suggest reading books on the other personality disorders in " Cluster

B " as well. These pds are all grouped together because they are the

ones who " act out " . " Cluster B " pds are the histrionics, the

borderlines, the narcissists, and the psychopaths (psychopaths also

termed " sociopaths " or " anti-social pd " )

I and my Sister are pretty sure our mother, who has been diagnosed by

two different psychologists as having bpd (rapid mood swings,

inappropriate and excessive anger, unfillable hole of need, fear of

abandonment, interpreting neutral comments as criticism) probably also

has the co-morbidities of narcissism (total self-absorbtion, lack of

empathy for other people, perfectionism, revenge-seeking) and

sociopathy as well (lack of morals " its OK to cheat on tests, its OK

to steal a little " " rules are for other people " , sense of entitlement,

and lack of remorse.)

It is hard to say, its hard to admit, its hard to accept that our own

parent, the person who raised us is severely mentally ill, but in my

opinion its the only thing that can save us: the truth.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie,

That post was very meaningful to me. You are very wise. You very

correct when you said that you we did not do this to our parents yet

my parent still blames me. Also I like what you said about

genetics. I work at a mental health clinic and was talking to one of

our therapists the other day for advice and she started telling how

bpd is a result of being raised without love. I thought the same

thing you do- if that was entirely true I would have it and would not

have grown up and decided to be the best mom I could and to make sure

my kids were aloud to be kids and were loved and appreciated exactly

like they were. My mom is obviously wired differently and is a very

scared pitiful person but I believe that she could make better

decisions. I also could relate to what you said about taking kids

from bpd parents. I prayed everyday that someone would figure out

what was going on and take me away from her forever. Finally at 16 I

was sent to a foster home but I had already been through so much be

that point and had a ton of guilt. I wish I would have had the

courage to stay away form her at that point.

Anyway thatnks for that post. I needed that.

>

> This is a good place, many people here know what you're going

through:

> how hard it is, how bewildering, sad, infuriating, and frustrating

it

> is to have a bpd parent or foo (family of origin).

>

> I feel the most sadness for those who are still dependent on their

> abusive parent or parents financially. My advice is to sever that

> dependence as quickly as possible for your own sanity and for the

> safety and sanity of your child or children.

>

> For those of us who are under siege by waif-like,

> emotional-vampire-type bpds, our real enemy is our own feeling of

> misplaced guilt. We each have the right to our own, separate,

> independent, joyful adult life.

>

> Mentally healthy parents don't suck the life out of their adult

> children, they don't violate their child's boundaries, they don't

lay

> responsibility on their children for the parent's happiness and

> well-being, and they don't heap guilt and shame on their child's

head

> to manipulate and force them to accept that responsibility; its very

> wrong and very abusive to do that.

>

> We were unlucky enough to be born to and/or raised by a severely

> mentally ill person. We didn't cause our parent to be mentally ill,

> they came that way. Nothing can really cure a personality disorder.

> They can sometimes learn to modify their behaviors, but its not the

> same thing as " getting well " . The latest research says that

> personality disorders are caused by the luck of the genetic draw:

> predisposing genes that affect the way the brain works, plus

abnormal

> parenting. Me personally, I believe its mostly a genetic issue. If

> being raised by a bpd causes bpd, then I should be a raging bpd and

so

> should my sister, but neither of us have it. Neither does my

sister's

> son, or my father, or my bpd mother's sisters. My mother is the

> unlucky recipient of the bad brain genes.

>

> I also personally believe that the hallmark traits of bpd: the

rapid,

> unpredictable mood swings, the inappropriate rages, the splitting of

> people into " all good " or " all bad " with no logic or reason are

> particularly and horrifically damaging to the bpd's children and can

> cripple a child's sense of self-worth. If I had the power, I'd

remove

> all children from homes where one or both parents have a personality

> disorder. I think the toxic environment of constant verbal and/or

> physical abuse or neglect inflicted by bpd parents sets up their

> children (potentially) to be emotionally crippled for life.

>

> Its very hard to break through the decades of brainwashing, but

that's

> what we have to do to rescue ourselves from continued abuse by our

> mentally ill parent. Some can manage with low contact, but others

> need to make a complete break and go no contact. Everyone has to

> figure out what works best for their own needs, situation and peace

of

> mind.

>

> Welcome, and sorry you needed to find this Group.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you; I'm glad my post helped you. I get many new insights and

ideas and support from the other members here, it makes me happy when

I can give something back in turn.

-Annie

> >

> > This is a good place, many people here know what you're going

> through:

> > how hard it is, how bewildering, sad, infuriating, and frustrating

> it

> > is to have a bpd parent or foo (family of origin).

> >

> > I feel the most sadness for those who are still dependent on their

> > abusive parent or parents financially. My advice is to sever that

> > dependence as quickly as possible for your own sanity and for the

> > safety and sanity of your child or children.

> >

> > For those of us who are under siege by waif-like,

> > emotional-vampire-type bpds, our real enemy is our own feeling of

> > misplaced guilt. We each have the right to our own, separate,

> > independent, joyful adult life.

> >

> > Mentally healthy parents don't suck the life out of their adult

> > children, they don't violate their child's boundaries, they don't

> lay

> > responsibility on their children for the parent's happiness and

> > well-being, and they don't heap guilt and shame on their child's

> head

> > to manipulate and force them to accept that responsibility; its very

> > wrong and very abusive to do that.

> >

> > We were unlucky enough to be born to and/or raised by a severely

> > mentally ill person. We didn't cause our parent to be mentally ill,

> > they came that way. Nothing can really cure a personality disorder.

> > They can sometimes learn to modify their behaviors, but its not the

> > same thing as " getting well " . The latest research says that

> > personality disorders are caused by the luck of the genetic draw:

> > predisposing genes that affect the way the brain works, plus

> abnormal

> > parenting. Me personally, I believe its mostly a genetic issue. If

> > being raised by a bpd causes bpd, then I should be a raging bpd and

> so

> > should my sister, but neither of us have it. Neither does my

> sister's

> > son, or my father, or my bpd mother's sisters. My mother is the

> > unlucky recipient of the bad brain genes.

> >

> > I also personally believe that the hallmark traits of bpd: the

> rapid,

> > unpredictable mood swings, the inappropriate rages, the splitting of

> > people into " all good " or " all bad " with no logic or reason are

> > particularly and horrifically damaging to the bpd's children and can

> > cripple a child's sense of self-worth. If I had the power, I'd

> remove

> > all children from homes where one or both parents have a personality

> > disorder. I think the toxic environment of constant verbal and/or

> > physical abuse or neglect inflicted by bpd parents sets up their

> > children (potentially) to be emotionally crippled for life.

> >

> > Its very hard to break through the decades of brainwashing, but

> that's

> > what we have to do to rescue ourselves from continued abuse by our

> > mentally ill parent. Some can manage with low contact, but others

> > need to make a complete break and go no contact. Everyone has to

> > figure out what works best for their own needs, situation and peace

> of

> > mind.

> >

> > Welcome, and sorry you needed to find this Group.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>