Re: Dealing with nada in the moment

[Guest guest]

That is a great idea to actually record some of the visits with your

totally whacked-out parents, for your own benefit. You recording has

demonstrated that they are totally off the " Richter scale " of

emotionally abusive. From what you've recorded that they said,

neither of them has any respect for you, they do not care about your

feelings at all; I would go so far as to say it sounds like they

despise you. You have the patience of a saint to stay in the same room

with them without hurling furniture at them. They do not deserve the

level of deference and politeness you are showing them, honest to God.

Their game is to put you in no-win situations, which is one of the

most crazy-making devices ever conceived. No matter what you do or

what you say, you are wrong! Its very, very toxic. But that was a

good strategy on your part, you worked it so that your n-dad got

saddled with taking care of at least some of nada's demands RE

treatments, medicines, etc.

This is just me talking, my opinion, and you totally have the right to

do whatever you feel best doing: but honestly, I think you really

ought to just move away ASAP. They are going to try to make you feel

guilty no matter how long you stay near them. Do you honestly believe

that if you stay for three more months it will be any easier? I

seriously doubt it; if anything the longer you stay around, the harder

its going to be to leave. You've already paid your dues, in

triplicate. I hope for your sake you decide to leave now. Just keep

reminding yourself: " No matter WHEN I leave, they are going to go

ballistic: now, or months from now. Its just the fact that I am

leaving at all! "

Good luck.

-Annie

> >

> > I'm beginning to think that possibly the best way to deal with bpd

> > behaviors with our nada is immediately, in the moment, using the

> > absolute truth.

> >

> > Sister and I had been trained from birth to never react negatively

> to

> > anything our nada said or did to us. Nada could insult us, hit us,

> > scream abuse at us, etc., and we had to just silently take it, like

> > the inanimate objects she probably considered us to be. Reacting

> made

> > the abuse worse: like throwing gasoline on a fire.

> >

> > As adults, we continued to just silently take the emotional abuse

> > without reacting. Nada was the Queen Witch, after all. Truths were

> > never spoken by us or they were highly edited with a good spin

> towards

> > nada, and bad behavior by nada was simply accepted or ignored.

> >

> > I think Sister and I are still learning that the only way to handle

> > nada is to tell the truth and dole out the consequences in the

> moment

> > without being hateful or insulting about it ourselves.

> >

> > We have to re-train ourselves, allow ourselves to say things like:

> > " I remember that differently "

> > " That hurts my feelings "

> > " That is not your business/not up for discussion "

> > " Since you're not respecting my boundaries, I'm hanging up now "

> > " Did you just say what I think you said? Please repeat that; I need

> to

> > be sure " (because it sounded like a horrible insult)

> > etc.

> >

> > It ain't easy!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're living in a state of terror, you poor thing. You are so afraid

of them, of their anger. That's no way to live. They are going to be

pissed off at you and they will scapegoat you and abuse you no matter

what level of hyper-vigilance you achieve.

I'm afraid for you, that if you stay at that level of terror and

anxiety for much longer, you'll have a full-blown nervous breakdown.

You may be doing that to yourself unconsciously, because its one way

to make a break with them that avoids a direct confrontation: you are

" taken away " (so to speak) for a few months of rest at a hospital,

which gets you away from them.

Here's an idea: just fake a nervous breakdown. Tell them a few

symptoms, and then go away for a few months to a nice resort somewhere

to " recover " while you are actually job-hunting and getting yourself

ready to move away permanently. Fake them out!

Just a thought; I say all's fair in this particular war.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'm beginning to think that possibly the best way to deal with bpd

> > > behaviors with our nada is immediately, in the moment, using the

> > > absolute truth.

> > >

> > > Sister and I had been trained from birth to never react

> negatively

> > to

> > > anything our nada said or did to us. Nada could insult us, hit

> us,

> > > scream abuse at us, etc., and we had to just silently take it,

> like

> > > the inanimate objects she probably considered us to be. Reacting

> > made

> > > the abuse worse: like throwing gasoline on a fire.

> > >

> > > As adults, we continued to just silently take the emotional abuse

> > > without reacting. Nada was the Queen Witch, after all. Truths

> were

> > > never spoken by us or they were highly edited with a good spin

> > towards

> > > nada, and bad behavior by nada was simply accepted or ignored.

> > >

> > > I think Sister and I are still learning that the only way to

> handle

> > > nada is to tell the truth and dole out the consequences in the

> > moment

> > > without being hateful or insulting about it ourselves.

> > >

> > > We have to re-train ourselves, allow ourselves to say things

> like:

> > > " I remember that differently "

> > > " That hurts my feelings "

> > > " That is not your business/not up for discussion "

> > > " Since you're not respecting my boundaries, I'm hanging up now "

> > > " Did you just say what I think you said? Please repeat that; I

> need

> > to

> > > be sure " (because it sounded like a horrible insult)

> > > etc.

> > >

> > > It ain't easy!

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely! After I had a temporary big schism with my nada I had a

period of time for about a year where I did this and I felt like I

got a lot of my power back. She knew I was " this close " to going NC

with her for real. But I slipped backwards into old habits

especially as other stresses in my life crowded in. Still just

wanted to say you go girl!

>

> I'm beginning to think that possibly the best way to deal with bpd

> behaviors with our nada is immediately, in the moment, using the

> absolute truth.

>

> Sister and I had been trained from birth to never react negatively

to

> anything our nada said or did to us. Nada could insult us, hit us,

> scream abuse at us, etc., and we had to just silently take it, like

> the inanimate objects she probably considered us to be. Reacting

made

> the abuse worse: like throwing gasoline on a fire.

>

> As adults, we continued to just silently take the emotional abuse

> without reacting. Nada was the Queen Witch, after all. Truths were

> never spoken by us or they were highly edited with a good spin

towards

> nada, and bad behavior by nada was simply accepted or ignored.

>

> I think Sister and I are still learning that the only way to handle

> nada is to tell the truth and dole out the consequences in the

moment

> without being hateful or insulting about it ourselves.

>

> We have to re-train ourselves, allow ourselves to say things like:

> " I remember that differently "

> " That hurts my feelings "

> " That is not your business/not up for discussion "

> " Since you're not respecting my boundaries, I'm hanging up now "

> " Did you just say what I think you said? Please repeat that; I need

to

> be sure " (because it sounded like a horrible insult)

> etc.

>

> It ain't easy!

>

> -Annie

>