Guest guest Posted November 29, 2008 Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 Hi Olivia, Welcome newbie, and other newbies. BTW, there have been some really excellent posts and comments here lately about the decision to go low contact with " nadas " (nada=bpd mom): really good advice on how to handle nadas who rage and hurl abuse on the phone. Your situation brings up a whole new territory where nadas can intrude themselves at will and hurl abuse: on the Internet. How bpd of your nada to insult you at your website, like a bitchy middle-schooler would do. Argh. I'm guessing that as site owner you have the option to either totally ban/block your nada from posting there, or you can monitor her posts from now on (read first before allowing the post to appear.) And you can direct her e-mails into a special " nada folder " to read or not read as you choose. I'll be interested to read what the other members here have to say about internet abuse. The insulting comment that your nada posted at your website is more like a " public " insult, as though she had made the comment at a party where your whole family could hear it. So its similar to the question: " How does one handle the situation when nada acts out in public: when she rages at you or insults you in front of other people? " And the corollary question, " What do you say about nada's choosing to pick a fight in public to bewildered family members, if anything? " I'd like to hear commments, because our situation with our nada recently went " public. " Nothing is as ephemeral as a secret. Nada was not sharing with her family that both Sister and I went " no contact " with her (until nada apologizes) but now both sides of the family know and nada is completely outraged and humiliated about that: that " everybody knows. " The drama never ends, seemingly. -Annie > > I joined this group because my mother has bpd. I'm 31 and married > three years ago. She was always difficult but her negative behaviors > escalated to a new and scary level when I got married, which I guess > makes sense from what I've recently learned about bpd. I've always > been the " good one " the books talk about, the one who was more like a > parent to her, so when I finally " officially " moved on with my own > life she flipped out. It was very confusing because she always talked > about me getting married like any mom would, and even pushed for it > while I was dating my husband. But then she just came unglued as soon > as the engagement was made. I became very depressed and began seeing > a therapist a couple years ago, which is how I learned she is > probably bpd. I've learned about boundaries and detaching, which > helps me feel better and less guilty, but I'm being " punished " for it > on a regular basis and see signs of emotional abuse for my younger > brothers who still at home. The stress is awful. Most recently she > posted a horrible comment on my web site, where I share photos of my > baby with family and friends. Everyone I know saw this comment that > accused me of treating her like a dog, etc. I'm so angry! I've never > been humiliated like this. I know she probably looks like the crazy > one, but few people know my mom has these problems so it was probably > pretty shocking. My dad (who is divorced from my mom) and one friend > have said something to me about it. It felt good to be able to > address it, but I don't know what to do about the rest of the people > (includes a wide range of people from friends to coworkers). Do I > just " take the high road " and not say anything or do I explain to > people? I don't think most people would understand and may not want > to know my personal problems. I guess that's why I decided to join - > to hear some feedback from people who do understand. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2008 Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 Welcome to the group. My situation is very similar to yours. I was always the good child who did whatever my nada wanted me to, and she flipped out after I got married. I am 31 and have been married almost four years. I started seeing a therapist when I got really depressed and anxious about a year and a half ago. Therapist suggested that my nada may be BPD and I found my way here. My nada has gone off on my husband in public ways--she smears him all over the family. I haven't said anything to other family members becuase I haven't wanted to enter the triangulation or the drama, but I am thinking now about writing an open letter to all my family just to share " my side " of the issues. I am sure that my nada has beeen saying how awful my husband and I are. Welcome..this group is very supportive and amazing. It will help you on your journey. > > > > I joined this group because my mother has bpd. I'm 31 and married > > three years ago. She was always difficult but her negative behaviors > > escalated to a new and scary level when I got married, which I guess > > makes sense from what I've recently learned about bpd. I've always > > been the " good one " the books talk about, the one who was more like a > > parent to her, so when I finally " officially " moved on with my own > > life she flipped out. It was very confusing because she always talked > > about me getting married like any mom would, and even pushed for it > > while I was dating my husband. But then she just came unglued as soon > > as the engagement was made. I became very depressed and began seeing > > a therapist a couple years ago, which is how I learned she is > > probably bpd. I've learned about boundaries and detaching, which > > helps me feel better and less guilty, but I'm being " punished " for it > > on a regular basis and see signs of emotional abuse for my younger > > brothers who still at home. The stress is awful. Most recently she > > posted a horrible comment on my web site, where I share photos of my > > baby with family and friends. Everyone I know saw this comment that > > accused me of treating her like a dog, etc. I'm so angry! I've never > > been humiliated like this. I know she probably looks like the crazy > > one, but few people know my mom has these problems so it was probably > > pretty shocking. My dad (who is divorced from my mom) and one friend > > have said something to me about it. It felt good to be able to > > address it, but I don't know what to do about the rest of the people > > (includes a wide range of people from friends to coworkers). Do I > > just " take the high road " and not say anything or do I explain to > > people? I don't think most people would understand and may not want > > to know my personal problems. I guess that's why I decided to join - > > to hear some feedback from people who do understand. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2008 Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I'm learning from Kyla (another board member) How about saying something noncommital, like, " Yeah, it certainly is surprising that a mother would say something like that to her daughter. Not very kind, was it? " Then change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions! > > I joined this group because my mother has bpd. I'm 31 and married > three years ago. She was always difficult but her negative behaviors > escalated to a new and scary level when I got married, which I guess > makes sense from what I've recently learned about bpd. I've always > been the " good one " the books talk about, the one who was more like a > parent to her, so when I finally " officially " moved on with my own > life she flipped out. It was very confusing because she always talked > about me getting married like any mom would, and even pushed for it > while I was dating my husband. But then she just came unglued as soon > as the engagement was made. I became very depressed and began seeing > a therapist a couple years ago, which is how I learned she is > probably bpd. I've learned about boundaries and detaching, which > helps me feel better and less guilty, but I'm being " punished " for it > on a regular basis and see signs of emotional abuse for my younger > brothers who still at home. The stress is awful. Most recently she > posted a horrible comment on my web site, where I share photos of my > baby with family and friends. Everyone I know saw this comment that > accused me of treating her like a dog, etc. I'm so angry! I've never > been humiliated like this. I know she probably looks like the crazy > one, but few people know my mom has these problems so it was probably > pretty shocking. My dad (who is divorced from my mom) and one friend > have said something to me about it. It felt good to be able to > address it, but I don't know what to do about the rest of the people > (includes a wide range of people from friends to coworkers). Do I > just " take the high road " and not say anything or do I explain to > people? I don't think most people would understand and may not want > to know my personal problems. I guess that's why I decided to join - > to hear some feedback from people who do understand. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2008 Report Share Posted November 30, 2008 > > Welcome to the group. My situation is very similar to yours. I was > always the good child who did whatever my nada wanted me to, and she > flipped out after I got married. I am 31 and have been married > almost four years. I started seeing a therapist when I got really > depressed and anxious about a year and a half ago. Therapist > suggested that my nada may be BPD and I found my way here. My nada > has gone off on my husband in public ways--she smears him all over > the family. I haven't said anything to other family members becuase > I haven't wanted to enter the triangulation or the drama, but I am > thinking now about writing an open letter to all my family just to > share " my side " of the issues. I am sure that my nada has beeen > saying how awful my husband and I are. Welcome..this group is very > supportive and amazing. It will help you on your journey. Bluejay- I wrote an e-mail to family members about a year ago. At the time that I wrote it, I hadn't yet figured out that Nada was BPD although I knew she definitely had something major wrong. What I did was take an e-mail my Fada allegedly wrote to me (everyone who read it thinks Nada actually wrote it) essentially giving me an ultimatum or risk being disowned and explaining about 2 years worth of completely crazy behavior on my mom's part. In some ways, it felt good to get it out and speak my peace since I knew that Nada had probably been telling everyone something. What that something was, I had no idea. The reactions varied. Sympathy from those who live in the area and had had their own experiences with Nada. Complete denial on the part of one Aunt (she never mentioned she received the e-mail and never voiced any opinion about it - surprising since a) she's a nun and she's a counselor!). Another Aunt would have preferred I kept the whole thing " between you and your parents. " Yes...keep shoving it under the rug because that has been goin SO well. In fact, that same Aunt justified Nada's crazy behavior saying, " Well of course a mother would be concerned about her daughter... " All that I would say about sharing your story with the family is to think about the impact to yourself. There will be individuals who will not see your side no matter how crazy your Nada has behaved. It seems impossible, but then I had to remember, the family dysfunction likely went back generations. My Fada picked Nada for a reason...most likely a dysfunctional reason. My Nada was pretty upset that the family now " knew " the whole story. In her various lame attempts at an apology, she said something like, " you more than got even by sending that horrendous letter to the family. " She completely failed to recognize that what was horrendous about the letter was her documented behavior...none of which she ever denied. It is hard to stand by and allow someone to essentially conduct a smear campaign without defending yourself. I can completely relate to wanting to set the record straight. If it is something that will make you feel better, then go for it. If it is something that will just make you anxious worrying about everyone's response, then I would wonder the point. In the end, it has to be about you feeling better. Not everyone will validate you even those who think what she did was wrong. Take care- JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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