Re: How Healthy Are Your Boundaries?

November 28, 2008

Thank you so much for sharing this- just a good reminder that the

roots of my life didn't really have boundaries. I did and continue to

have my emotional boundaries violated.

My distortions, are real and have effected all areas of my life.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " vegdeanna "

wrote:

>

> My therapist gave me this...

>

> Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

>

> T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my parents

or

> my spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

> parents, my spouse, my children.

>

> T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people that

is

> none of their business.

>

> T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

>

> T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I

want

> to do something else.

>

> T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

> parents or my spouse to other people.

>

> T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

>

> T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

> anyone to do a favor for me.

>

> T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

>

> Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they say

> as true and feel bad about myself.

>

> T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

> myself.

>

> T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

>

> T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

>

> T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

>

> T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my sexulaity

> and my body.

>

> Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

> her spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused

> as a child.

>

> T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have been

> physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a

nothing. "

>

> Add up the number in the " T " column.

>

> If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure emotional

> and spiritual boundaries.

>

> If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a

significant

> distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should

work

> on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

> your relationships.

>

> If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you

have a

> deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries.

> We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

> spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

> boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

>

> ***I scored a 20****

>

November 28, 2008

What an excellent questionnaire! Seeing the various boundary

violations grouped by level of severity like that is very eye-opening.

Yes, thank you so much for sharing it. (I scored 13)

-Annie

>

> My therapist gave me this...

>

> Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

>

> T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my parents or

> my spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

> parents, my spouse, my children.

>

> T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people that is

> none of their business.

>

> T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

>

> T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I want

> to do something else.

>

> T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

> parents or my spouse to other people.

>

> T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

>

> T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

> anyone to do a favor for me.

>

> T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

>

> Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they say

> as true and feel bad about myself.

>

> T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

> myself.

>

> T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

>

> T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

>

> T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

>

> T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my sexulaity

> and my body.

>

> Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

> her spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused

> as a child.

>

> T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have been

> physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a nothing. "

>

> Add up the number in the " T " column.

>

> If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure emotional

> and spiritual boundaries.

>

> If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a significant

> distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should work

> on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

> your relationships.

>

> If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you have a

> deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries.

> We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

> spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

> boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

>

> ***I scored a 20****

>

November 28, 2008

I got a 27. Thanks for sharing.

> Thank you so much for sharing this- just a good reminder that the

> roots of my life didn't really have boundaries. I did and continue to

> have my emotional boundaries violated.

>

> My distortions, are real and have effected all areas of my life.

>

> Malinda

>

> In WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>,

> " vegdeanna "

> wrote:

>

> >

> > My therapist gave me this...

> >

> > Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

> >

> > T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my parents

> or

> > my spouse.

> >

> > T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

> > parents, my spouse, my children.

> >

> > T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people that

> is

> > none of their business.

> >

> > T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

> >

> > T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I

> want

> > to do something else.

> >

> > T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

> > parents or my spouse to other people.

> >

> > T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

> >

> > T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

> > anyone to do a favor for me.

> >

> > T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

> >

> > Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

> >

> > T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they say

> > as true and feel bad about myself.

> >

> > T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

> > myself.

> >

> > T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

> >

> > T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

> >

> > T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

> >

> > T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

> >

> > T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my sexulaity

> > and my body.

> >

> > Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

> >

> > T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

> > her spouse.

> >

> > T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused

> > as a child.

> >

> > T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have been

> > physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a

> nothing. "

> >

> > Add up the number in the " T " column.

> >

> > If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure emotional

> > and spiritual boundaries.

> >

> > If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a

> significant

> > distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should

> work

> > on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

> > your relationships.

> >

> > If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you

> have a

> > deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries.

> > We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

> > spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

> > boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

> >

> > ***I scored a 20****

> >

>

November 29, 2008

Thank you for sending the boundaries quiz. I've always known I had problems

with setting limits and boundaries, but, scoring a 30 made me realize I really

need to focus on this as my number 1 priority. I really never knew about

boundaries and everytime I try I get knocked down so hard with my nada and

significant other. It is like a joke to them and they make my life miserable

when I stick to what I said. It will be thrown up to me so many times, making

me re-live the pain it took setting the boundary in the first place. I won't

give up. Reading what others have been through and have done is really helping

me. I just can't believe I have spent my whole life right up to the present

being brainwashed by my nada. In the past year I have tried to share as little

as possible because anything I say she will pound in her distorted opinion and

if I don't see it her way she will scream and repeat herself so many times over

and over saying " do you

get it? " I have gotten so worn out that in the end I will give in, feeling

defeated again and say " yes, I get it " just to make her stop. The only

difference now, in this past year, I say it to end the discussion knowing that

it is her crazy version . No, i really don't get it , I will never get it and I

won't spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out as I have for the past

five decades!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, November 28, 2008 12:52:25 AM

Subject: How Healthy Are Your Boundaries?

My therapist gave me this....

Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my parents or

my spouse.

T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

parents, my spouse, my children.

T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people that is

none of their business.

T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I want

to do something else.

T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

parents or my spouse to other people.

T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

anyone to do a favor for me.

T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they say

as true and feel bad about myself.

T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

myself.

T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my sexulaity

and my body.

Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

her spouse.

T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused

as a child.

T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have been

physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a nothing. "

Add up the number in the " T " column.

If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure emotional

and spiritual boundaries.

If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a significant

distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should work

on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

your relationships.

If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you have a

deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries.

We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

***I scored a 20****

November 29, 2008

Keep reminding yourself that you are dealing with a mentally ill

person. Your nada (like mine) does not respond to logic, reason, or

reality: she's responding to whatever the hell it is that is rattling

around in her dysfunctional brain; and to top it off your nada (like

mine) is something of a bully.

She's attacking you because she feels she has the right to dominate

and subjugate you, and because she feels safe doing so: she has

trained you (from birth) to not fight back. She's trained you to

think/believe that if you stand up for yourself, even in a polite,

assertive way, you are BAD, and that *you* are attacking *HER*.

Keep reminding yourself: this is a mentally ill person!

You did not cause your mother to be mentally ill, she came that way.

She will not change: borderline personality disorder does not " go

away " , although some drugs can help take the edge off, apparently.

You are NOT bad for protecting yourself and setting up boundaries.

You do not deserve to be mistreated, used or abused.

You are not your mother's (or spouse's) punching bag.

The more physical distance you can put between yourself and your

abuser(s), the better.

Good luck with continuing to stand up for yourself, and finding a

workable way to fence off and contain your very abusive nada.

-Annie

>

> Thank you for sendingï¿½ the boundaries quiz.ï¿½ I've always known I had

problems with setting limits and boundaries, but, scoring a 30 made me

realize I really need to focus on this as my number 1 priority.ï¿½ I

really never knew about boundaries and everytime I try I get knocked

down so hard with my nada and significant other.ï¿½ It is like a joke to

them and they make my life miserable when I stick to what I said.ï¿½ It

will be thrown up to me so many times, making me re-live the pain it

took setting the boundary in the first place.ï¿½ I won't give up.ï¿½

Reading what others have been through and have done is really helping

me.ï¿½ I just can't believe I have spent my whole life right up to the

present being brainwashed by my nada. In the past year I have tried to

share as little as possible because anything I say she will pound in

her distorted opinion and if I don't see it her way she will scream

and repeat herself so many times over and over saying " do you

> get it? " I have gotten so worn out that in the end I will give in,

feeling defeated again and say " yes, I get it " just to make her stop.ï¿½

The only difference now, in this past year, I say it to end the

discussion knowing that it is her crazy version . No, i really don't

get it , I will never get it and I won't spend the rest of my life

trying to figure it out as I have for the past five decades!

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Friday, November 28, 2008 12:52:25 AM

> Subject: How Healthy Are Your Boundaries?

>

> My therapist gave me this....

>

> Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

>

> T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my parents or

> my spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

> parents, my spouse, my children.

>

> T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people that is

> none of their business.

>

> T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

>

> T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I want

> to do something else.

>

> T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

> parents or my spouse to other people.

>

> T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

>

> T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

> anyone to do a favor for me.

>

> T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

>

> Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they say

> as true and feel bad about myself.

>

> T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

> myself.

>

> T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

>

> T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

>

> T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

>

> T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my sexulaity

> and my body.

>

> Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

> her spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused

> as a child.

>

> T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have been

> physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a nothing. "

>

> Add up the number in the " T " column.

>

> If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure emotional

> and spiritual boundaries.

>

> If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a significant

> distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should work

> on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

> your relationships.

>

> If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you have a

> deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries.

> We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

> spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

> boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

>

> ***I scored a 20****

>

November 29, 2008

I scored 26.

>

> My therapist gave me this...

>

> Place a 1 next to your answer to each of the following questions :

>

> T___ F___ I often feel guilty about not doing enough for my

parents or

> my spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I feel responsible for making other people happy - my

> parents, my spouse, my children.

>

> T___ F___ I often share personal information with other people

that is

> none of their business.

>

> T___ F___ I feel uncomfortable making my own decisions in life.

>

> T___ F___ I often go along with the plans of others, even when I

want

> to do something else.

>

> T___ F___ I often feel I must explain or defend the actions of my

> parents or my spouse to other people.

>

> T___ F___ My parents discouraged me from moving away from home.

>

> T___ F___ I do a lot of work for other people, but I have to ask

> anyone to do a favor for me.

>

> T___ F___ I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of an adult.

>

> Place a 2 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ When people criticize or insult me, I accept what they

say

> as true and feel bad about myself.

>

> T___ F___ I often think about mistakes I've made and feel bad about

> myself.

>

> T___ F___ I feel afraid of God.

>

> T___ F___ My parents frequently shared intimate secrets with me.

>

> T___ F___ I was the favorite child of one of my parents.

>

> T___ F___ My parents did not want me to date or marry.

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents seemed overly interested in my

sexulaity

> and my body.

>

> Place a 3 next to your answer to each of the following questions:

>

> T___ F___ One of my parents preferred my company to that of his or

> her spouse.

>

> T___ F___ I was physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally

abused

> as a child.

>

> T___ F___ I have been in two or more relationships where I have

been

> physically abused, sexually abused, or made to feel like " a

nothing. "

>

> Add up the number in the " T " column.

>

> If you scored from 0 to 5, you probably have fairly secure

emotional

> and spiritual boundaries.

>

> If you scored from 6 to 9, you probably are experiencing a

significant

> distortion in your emotional and spiritual boundaries; you should

work

> on clarifying those boundaries and creating clearer safety zones in

> your relationships.

>

> If you scored 10 or more, there is a strong likelihood that you

have a

> deeply rooted distortion in your emotional and spiritual

boundaries.

> We would encourage you to seek counseling for your emotional and

> spiritual issues and for help and insight in strengthening the

> boundaries in your inner self and your relationships.

>

> ***I scored a 20****

>

December 2, 2008