Re: Do any of you have problems with being touched?

[Guest guest]

>

> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>

I've heard other people mention this, but it's not a problem for me.

Have you asked your bf to stop rubbing your arm? If so, why is it okay

for him to keep doing it when he knows it bothers you?

Did your mother ever say to you, " You're too sensitive " ? Do you feel

guilty that your skin hurts?

kt

[Guest guest]

My skin is very sensative too. I wouldn't have thought to attribute

it to this but It seems to trigger every other kind of sensativity.

I tend to take his hand and hold it and maybe squeeze it... He knows

that I have heat sensitivity (hot to me is lukewarm to others). so I

try to relate it to that. It also seems to happen at *OTHER* times,

it wonder if that all relates....

Yeesh.

Shari

> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>

> Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt by it?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Have you asked your bf to stop rubbing your arm? If so, why is it okay

> for him to keep doing it when he knows it bothers you?

I do ask him, and he complies. Sometime later, he'll do it again. It

is like a subconscious thing for him, and it's how he tries to express

his feelings for me.

It has been exacerbated lately, as I have gained weight, due to my

stress eating (work and FOG). I can't stand my own body, and I

haven't been wanting sex for a couple weeks because I feel so gross.

I fessed that up to him (I hate to tell boyfriends that). He's used

to women not saying what they mean, so I think he is not confident

that that is the reason I've been avoiding sex.

>

> Did your mother ever say to you, " You're too sensitive " ? Do you feel

> guilty that your skin hurts?

>

> kt

>

for sure, she did.

and yes, I do.

[Guest guest]

Yikes, I feel guilty that my skin hurts! What does THAT mean?

Its hard because it is not usually a conscious motion and a sign of affection...

Shari

>

>

>>

>> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

>> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

>> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

>> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

>> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>>

>

> I've heard other people mention this, but it's not a problem for me.

>

> Have you asked your bf to stop rubbing your arm? If so, why is it okay

> for him to keep doing it when he knows it bothers you?

>

> Did your mother ever say to you, " You're too sensitive " ? Do you feel

> guilty that your skin hurts?

>

> kt

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm totally ok with hand holding. stroking of my hand. My hand isn't

that sensitive. Calves ok too.

Some of this has to be related to by body issues too, i know.

sometimes i think i am too much of a mess to make it back to " normal "

-Deanna

> >

> >>

> >> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> >> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> >> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> >> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> >> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> >>

> >

> > I've heard other people mention this, but it's not a problem for me.

> >

> > Have you asked your bf to stop rubbing your arm? If so, why is it okay

> > for him to keep doing it when he knows it bothers you?

> >

> > Did your mother ever say to you, " You're too sensitive " ? Do you feel

> > guilty that your skin hurts?

> >

> > kt

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, I have problems especially with non-sexual partners touching me.

Hugs, casual pat on the back, shaking hands, all of it. It all feels

to some degree like an invasion of my space. For some reason though

that turns off if it is a sexual partner - so like in your case I would

not have been bothered by him initially touching my arm but certainly

continuuing in a way that was annoying, yes. Any sensation if repeated

enough can become painful - that's what Chinese water torture is based

on.

I'm already repeating what others said here...but why the heck does

your boyfriend keep doing it if he knows you don't like it? That's the

red flag here re him, not you.

>

> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>

> Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt by it?

>

[Guest guest]

We have boundary issues. One was me saying no to food and him pushing

me to eat. I wrote him a stern but kind email on that and it improved

greatly. He will stop now, but he often just doesn't hear me the

first time.

When I brought this " I said no to food " thing up again the other day,

he got all teary-eyed. He truly doesn't think he can make himself

stop asking me twice. He's a good listener when it's " time " to

listen, when I'm talking about something important. But the day to

day stuff...he really has a problem not just hearing but remembering.

He's very absent-minded in this way.

On the other hand, he is so acommodating. Very understanding. Very

easy going. Brings me little gifts for no reason. Lets me sit on the

booth side. Wants so much for me to be comfortable and be happy.

-Deanna

> >

> > Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> > my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> > and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> > actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> > I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> >

> > Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt by it?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To me these are very worrisome signs. If it's that important to him

for you to be happy and comfortable, why does he need to be told

twice or with a letter at all? Just a rhetorical question - I sense a

disconnect somewhere here. After growing up with a BP parent being

really seen and heard is non-negotiable!

> > >

> > > Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it

upsets

> > > my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and

rub it

> > > and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> > > actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra

sensitive.

> > > I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> > >

> > > Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt

by it?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know I know. He is just very absent-minded. Does stuff without

thinking about it. I feel kinda bad about posting this, but here's

the email he sent me about it:

I took some time to digest what you said and I wrote this letter. I

felt better afterwards and I was debating whether to send this or not.

It's important that we communicate and this is more coherent than

anything I could convey in person, but it's a little melodramatic so

take it with a grain of salt. Maybe we can talk about it in a few

days after you've had a chance to think about this…

So I've had a couple of days to think about what you said and I've

decided I'm unhappy. I'm not 100% sure why, but here's what I've come

up with so far. A lot of the things that we talked about are things

that I do unconsciously. They are things that I think (wrongly) that

you might like. Some of them are things that I hope will turn you on,

such as caressing your skin. I understand that I need to change my

behavior, but I need you to understand that this is going to be a

challenge for me. First of all, some of them are unconscious actions

that are going to be difficult to self-regulate. Secondly, bringing

you food and touching your skin is my way of showing you that I care

about you. When you say `no' to caresses and cinnamon rolls,

especially without any explanation, it begins to feel like you are

rejecting me. If I stop doing these things, then it feels like I've

given up and have no way to express myself. I could just ask you what

I should do as a substitute, but then it feels like I'm just your

robot. It doesn't feel genuine and it doesn't feel like I have any

creative input. I'm probably going to need some help figuring out

what to do about this. Thirdly, I'm frustrated. I don't want to

pressure you into being intimate, but I don't really like the idea of

just sitting back and being passive until you feel comfortable. What

if that never happens? If we're not really lovers, then what are we?

Are we just friends? Maybe the problem is that you just don't find

me very attractive. If you did, then wouldn't you want to be with me?

I know this is all very self-centered and after this I'm going to

stop wallowing and start focusing on self-control, but I'm worried

that this is a perfect setup for a relapse. Ultimately, I need to be

myself and it's not as simple as you make it sound. I can't just stop

doing these things. I need an alternate outlet to express myself to you.

> > > >

> > > > Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it

> upsets

> > > > my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and

> rub it

> > > > and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> > > > actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra

> sensitive.

> > > > I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> > > >

> > > > Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt

> by it?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whew Vegdeanna, this is a tough thing. I don't know if you are very

serious about this fellow, but if you are it might be advisable to

see a counselor together. It might help clarify things because I see

warning signs all over that letter. Respecting your wishes here

shouldn't be that hard for him all you are asking him to do is

*refrain* from certain actions. Now to be honest, I am someone who

dated a lot early on and never did settle down, broke up with most of

the men I dated too! So I probably have a break-up bias. It might

be best to get advice from some of the women who have successful

marriages here as to how this seems to them.

>

> I know I know. He is just very absent-minded. Does stuff without

> thinking about it. I feel kinda bad about posting this, but here's

> the email he sent me about it:

>

> I took some time to digest what you said and I wrote this letter. I

> felt better afterwards and I was debating whether to send this or

not.

> It's important that we communicate and this is more coherent than

> anything I could convey in person, but it's a little melodramatic so

> take it with a grain of salt. Maybe we can talk about it in a few

> days after you've had a chance to think about this…

>

> So I've had a couple of days to think about what you said and I've

> decided I'm unhappy. I'm not 100% sure why, but here's what I've

come

> up with so far. A lot of the things that we talked about are things

> that I do unconsciously. They are things that I think (wrongly)

that

> you might like. Some of them are things that I hope will turn you

on,

> such as caressing your skin. I understand that I need to change my

> behavior, but I need you to understand that this is going to be a

> challenge for me. First of all, some of them are unconscious

actions

> that are going to be difficult to self-regulate. Secondly, bringing

> you food and touching your skin is my way of showing you that I care

> about you. When you say `no' to caresses and cinnamon rolls,

> especially without any explanation, it begins to feel like you are

> rejecting me. If I stop doing these things, then it feels like I've

> given up and have no way to express myself. I could just ask you

what

> I should do as a substitute, but then it feels like I'm just your

> robot. It doesn't feel genuine and it doesn't feel like I have any

> creative input. I'm probably going to need some help figuring out

> what to do about this. Thirdly, I'm frustrated. I don't want to

> pressure you into being intimate, but I don't really like the idea

of

> just sitting back and being passive until you feel comfortable.

What

> if that never happens? If we're not really lovers, then what are

we?

> Are we just friends? Maybe the problem is that you just don't find

> me very attractive. If you did, then wouldn't you want to be with

me?

> I know this is all very self-centered and after this I'm going to

> stop wallowing and start focusing on self-control, but I'm worried

> that this is a perfect setup for a relapse. Ultimately, I need to

be

> myself and it's not as simple as you make it sound. I can't just

stop

> doing these things. I need an alternate outlet to express myself

to you.

>

[Guest guest]

The only person I can't stand to be touched by is my mom. It just

feels wrong. Like if she touches my arm like your boyfriend does.

But it doesn't translate to my boyfriend. Is it only your boyfriend

who you have this issue with? The reason I'm not bothered by it with

my bf is because he is supposed to be sexual with me. It's normal

and healthy. Has this always been something that bothered you with

boyfriends or just this one?

> > >

> > > Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it

upsets

> > > my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and

rub it

> > > and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> > > actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra

sensitive.

> > > I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> > >

> > > Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt

by it?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

He's the only boyfriend I've ever had who will start to, say, lightly

rub my arm, and just keep doing it. It'll be while we're watching TV

and he doesn't think about what he's doing, like the way you pet your

cat. A few seconds is OK but after that, I don't like it anymore.

We did talk about it last night, and he sounded way more conciliatory

on the phone than he did in the email.

I'm thinking these last couple of weeks, I was withdrawing into myself

due to work stress and seeing the family at the funeral. I was trying

to shut down, and I wasn't even aware I was doing that. I've been

single for so long, that I'm used to being able to " disappear " for a

while when I needed to. I guess it's not so easy to just do that anymore.

> > > >

> > > > Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it

> upsets

> > > > my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and

> rub it

> > > > and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> > > > actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra

> sensitive.

> > > > I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

> > > >

> > > > Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt

> by it?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To me, it sounds like the main problem you two have is a very common

one among couples: he gives love in a different way than you like to

receive it, and probably vice-versa.

Usually we show affection to other people in the way we like to receive

it. It's rather egocentric, but everyone is like that. I'm guessing

he likes to receive love in the form of touch and food. He is right in

his letter that the best thing for him to do is to ask you how you like

to receive love. You can also try to show love to him in the ways he

likes. It's a two way street. As for feeling like a robot, it's naive

for him to think that either of you can read the other's mind. I think

you both really need to talk about your feelings and what each of you

can do to help the other one.

If he caresses your arm without thinking, just remind him to stop

before it starts to bother you. Give him an alternative, like rubbing

your feet or holding your hand or something that you like. Maybe you

could request flowers instead of food. Or for him to do the dishes.

Or whatever makes you feel warm inside.

kt

[Guest guest]

Vegdeanna,

Your boyfriend sounds like a gem. He is listening and talking to you

about this issue. He seems distressed by the fact that he is doing

something that bothers you. He's taking it seriously. Already he's

ahead of the curve, in my opinion. What he's not doing is getting

angry at you, getting defensive, dismissing or ignoring you, or

telling you that *you* are wrong to feel the way you do. He's being

realistic about what he thinks he can do and honest about how he

feels about it. He's not making promises he can't keep to get off

the hook. He seems to be making an effort.

Have you ever read " The Five Love Languages " ? I will admit I only

skimmed it, years ago. As I remember, it said people express and

receive love in different ways – words, touch, gifts, and service

were four of the " love languages " and I forget what the fifth was.

(Maybe time? Doing things together?) Problems result when two people

don't " speak the same language. " It's kind of gimmicky but they have

a point. It sounds like your bf expresses love with gifts (including

gifts of food) and touch. Those are not things you perceive as

loving. He needs to learn your language and express his love in that

way and vice versa. Maybe reading the book together might help.

You wrote " he doesn't think about what he's doing, like the way you

pet your

> cat. A few seconds is OK but after that, I don't like it anymore. "

Could you " meow " to signal that you've had enough? I've had this

exact thing done to me and yeah, it feels like they're petting a cat.

It depends who does it - one of my kids (when they were little), yeah

ok. I might even make a game out of pretending to be a cat or dog.

My mom, grr, no. I don't think I've had a romantic interest do that -

well they didn't stick with the arm very long, always wanted to move

on to better things.

[Guest guest]

Wow KT, synchronicity! We posted almost the same thing at the

same time.

>

> To me, it sounds like the main problem you two have is a very

common

> one among couples: he gives love in a different way than you like

to

> receive it, and probably vice-versa.

>

> Usually we show affection to other people in the way we like to

receive

> it. It's rather egocentric, but everyone is like that. I'm

guessing

> he likes to receive love in the form of touch and food. He is

right in

> his letter that the best thing for him to do is to ask you how you

like

> to receive love. You can also try to show love to him in the ways

he

> likes. It's a two way street. As for feeling like a robot, it's

naive

> for him to think that either of you can read the other's mind. I

think

> you both really need to talk about your feelings and what each of

you

> can do to help the other one.

>

> If he caresses your arm without thinking, just remind him to stop

> before it starts to bother you. Give him an alternative, like

rubbing

> your feet or holding your hand or something that you like. Maybe

you

> could request flowers instead of food. Or for him to do the

dishes.

> Or whatever makes you feel warm inside.

>

> kt

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I go through the EXACT same thing!!!

The thing is, touching is more annoying to me when it comes from

someone close to me.

I was sexually abused when I was a child, and I always thought that

had something to do with it. The abuse came from a family member,

and my NADA knew about it but didn't do anything about it.

But the hurting thing, yeah, my own husband will try to rub my arms

or my shoulders and there is actually an unpleasant sensation, kind

of painful. This is so strange.

~Sara Jo

>

> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it

upsets

> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and

rub it

> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra

sensitive.

> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>

> Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt by

it?

>

[Guest guest]

for a very long time, i didn't let anyone touch me. i went so long

without touching people that i was incredibly stupidly awkward when

someone who didn't know me would touch me in any way. i'm not talking

about weird touching. i'm talking about normal people who just show

affection. hand on shoulder, a farewell hug. it was so embarrassing

to not know what to do with my arms.

i've lightened up in that respect, but what i really have a problem

with is touching other people. sometimes i really want to touch other

people. i would love to be able to casually walk over to a friend and

touch them on the shoulder and not feel like they're going to look at

me and tell me never to touch them again. that's something that i am

really really insecure about. the thought of someone i care about

telling me that they don't want me to touch them is so unbearable that

i would just rather not initiate any contact whatsoever.

it also makes me feel like a complete jerk that i do not reciprocate

affection. i really want to, but i don't. what if it is a trap? or

what if the person is okay with touching me, but they don't want me to

touch them? or what if the person is okay with me touching them

sometimes, but not all of the time? and then what if they misconstrue

my reluctance to touch them as rejection? are they going to believe me

when i say i just can't bring myself to touch them for fear of being

rejected? it doesn't make any sense. i already feel like a completely

annoying person, but i can cope with that. potential physical

rejection, especially if it is just a casual, jovial gesture, fills me

with absolute dread. the only type of contact i'm really comfortable

with is giving a high five or a fist bump, and even when i take that

chance, i'm wrought with anxiety over the thought that i'll be left

hanging.

bink

>

> Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched, at all. I know it upsets

> my boyfriend. He likes to find a spot on my arm and rub it and rub it

> and rub it. Pretty soon it feels annoying, then later, the spot

> actually *hurts*. He's not rubbing hard. My skin is ultra sensitive.

> I am pretty sure I am a HSP.

>

> Any of you dealt with that, and how to get him not to be hurt by it?

>