Re: Re: Calm Before the Storm

[Guest guest]

Thanks KT

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 1, 2008 5:44:46 PM

Subject: Re: " Calm Before the Storm "

I hope these posts aren'ty too long or rambling.  It's the first

time in my life I've ever had an outlet for any of this.  Is that

good or does it just drag it all up all over again? 

>

>

Of course it's okay to vent here. It's good to be able to get

everything out, especially for us KOs who were never allowed to have

feelings, especially negative ones.

Your aunt's funeral sounds like it was a miserable experience. I

hope you will keep creating and enforcing boundaries with your mother

so that that kind of thing doesn't happen to you in the future.

My mom also loves to pick fights in the car. (My first post on this

board was about that--search " picking fights " if you're interested.)

She is also the master of putting on the perfect public face.

Everyone always told me how awesome my parents are and thought we had

such a great family. It was such a different story when no one else

was watching.

It sounds like you could really benefit from more time away from your

mom. Maybe announce that you will be unavailable for a month--then

don't answer phone or email. It is remarkable how liberating it is

not to have to worry every time the phone rings.

Kt

>

>

> ____________ _________ _________ __

> From: ktelewis <ktelewis@... .>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> Sent: Friday, November 28, 2008 11:35:16 PM

> Subject: Re: " Calm Before the Storm "

>

>

> I can identify with a lot of what you said...my mom is also very

good

> at fooling people and feeding them limited info. I am glad you have

> the opportunity to have a new therapist. You need health

> professionals who do not also see your mother. I am sorry you have

> had an experience where people are unwilling to believe you.

>

> I think you did a great thing by telling your mother the truth

about

> needing some space. It was good that you did not answer the phone

> when you did not want to. My only suggestion to improve the

efficacy

> of those boundaries is to communicate your limits and consequences

> clearly. How often do you want to talk to her on the phone?

> Say, " Mom, I want to be sure to make time for you, so let's plan on

> talking once a (day,week,month. ..). If you call more often than

> that, I may not answer the phone. " If she continues to call all the

> time, you may consider telling her that when she calls so often,

you

> feel smothered and that you need her to stop.

>

> You wrote:

> >>>I finally realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone

> else, somehow everything I have ever said or done since I was a

child

> gets thrown up to me. 

>

> I understand, my mom remembers everything I've ever done wrong..

When

> I was in college, I actually wrote her a letter in which I

apologized

> for every single thing I could ever remember doing that made her

mad,

> all the way back to kicking her during a diaper change. I wanted so

> badly for her to stop hating me, and I couldn't figure out why she

> did--or why she kept SAYING that she didn't. Before I discovered

BPD

> I confronted her once about how she made me wish I had never been

> born. She said, and I'm not kidding, " Why in the world do you

insist

> on keeping your house so messy!? " which led to, " And you wouldn't

> comb your hair when you got that perm! " (I was 9). She needed to

hate

> me so she didn't have to hate herself.

>

> Now, if that kind of thing were to happen again, I know how to

focus

> and not get blown off course. I would say, " Mom, that was a long

> time ago, and it is not what we are talking about now. The way you

> are feeling right now is not my fault, and I am not responsible for

> how you choose to deal with those feelings. "

>

> It IS sad to consider how much pain our mothers carry around with

> them all the time. It is okay to feel sympathy for them. But we

> must not confuse sympathy with responsibility. Our mothers are in

> charge of their feelings and their actions.. We cannot control

that,

> and we are not responsible for it. If my mother does not want to

let

> go of all her anger and hurt and despair, that is her choice. I

> choose to let go of mine and learn compassion, independence, and

hope

> instead.

>

> If you have reached the point where you feel anger at your father

for

> not protecting you, then I think you are actually making progress.

> It is not easy to let go of the idealized image we create of the

> other non-BP parent in order to survive. You are starting to assert

> your own boundaries, and I commend you.. Hang in there and keep

> working--it will pay off.

>

> I hope you are able to find a health care team that will work for

> you.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace,

Thanks for your reply.  Hey, standing up to someone is a major thing if you've

been bullied and abused your whole life.  I think it's great you were able to

stand up to the guy who lives where you do.  Everytime we are able to do one

little thing like that it helps our self esteem I think.  At least that's what I

have found.  My father always told me 'don't rock the boat " , just let my nada's

raving go in one ear and out the other.  I can still see myself sitting in one

chair and my father in another, like 2 zombies, staring into space while she

berated and verbally abused him in front of me and then she'd start on me.  I

realized in my teens when I did answer back, yell back or whatever my father

would take the brunt of it all the time.  I had a horrible guilty feeling about

that and realized I caused him to suffer all of the time.  It's funny how you

were meant to believe your fada was the great guy and your nada was the

problem..  My nada

constantly (right up to today and my father has been dead almost 20 years) says

EVERYTHING was my father's fault.  He was an alcoholic, he was no good....yes,

my father did have a drinking problem; however, my most painful memories were

not of my father drinking (it triggered my nada), but, of nada's sick reaction

to his drinking.  If she asked him how much he had to drink and he would say one

drink (like any alcoholic we you can multiply that by 3) she would make him

swear that both kids get struck by lightning if he was lying (my brother and

myself).  Another time I remember I was about 10 and my fada came in after

drinking and my nada would always call me to come and watch their sick behavior

or fights.  Wake me up and make me be their audience (she never did this with my

younger brother) and I also felt protective over him and wouldn't want him to be

their audience.  This one time she made him take turns holding his revolver (he

was a cop)

against his temple and then she would do it until he admitted how many drinks

he had.  I remember sitting there thinking was this a game that somehow might go

too far, should I leave and get the neighbor or do I just sit and pretend it's

not happening and everything will be back to normal like nothing ever happened. 

I used to feel so badly for my father, then I remember being angry that he

allowed her to treat him this way, but the more I've learned about BPD these

past 6 months he really wasn't such a " wimp " as she called him.  There was no

sense in yelling or screaming or fighting back.  What he could have done, if he

wasn't a beaten man was to have protected my brother and me from her.  But,

everytime he did he paid so dearly it was pathetic. The irony of it was I

finally figured out that the coffee cup my mother held while she went on her

rages with her hand on her hip and we sat listening was filled with vodka! 

That's when I had my first

sort of lightbulb moment-i thought i had finally figured out what was wrong

with her-she had been drinking.  It all had made sense to me. And here all my

life to this day he was nothing but a drunk according to my nada and she NEVER

drank.  How could I even insinuate such a thing.  However, after about 15 years

of thinking that was her problem, my real lightbulb moment came about 6 months

ago when I was advised by a therapist to check out ACOA meetings.  I stumbled

upon BPD and everything clicked.  I saw first hand many times that my nada could

go off without any alcohol and what I learned was that she was totally out of

control and then she would use alcohol to self medicate (AFTER the fact).  So

she was right, alcohol wasn't her problem (but it sure didn't help-it just

fueled her behavior). Self medicating became the coping mechanisms in my

family.  And I know what you mean about those feelings of terror/anxiety.  I

didn't really realize I had

those feelings and when I would silently admit i felt terrified when alone with

my nada I would feel ridiculous.  How could you feel terrorized being with your

nada.  I always thought I must be crazy, something wrong with me.  The episodes

would fade and I would almost feel like I made them up.  After all I never heard

of anyone feeling Terror with their nada.  I kept it all to myself.  Reading

other's posts I realized terror is a pretty common feeling-i wonder why I

startle so easily, why I never feel relaxed, why everytime a phone rings

anywhere I jump and almost hate the sound of a ringing phone, and the list goes

on and on.  I also believe my nada has npd-EVERYTHING is about her. 

What you wrote about seeing the reality is starting to finally sink in with me. 

I would go back and forth thinking maybe it's me, maybe i'm over reacting, maybe

i'm too sensitive, maybe i'm just a martyr (like my mother & brother have told

me),maybe i am just a " victim " waiting to happen  (like I have this big " V " in

neon lights flashing across my body), maybe I'm this and maybe i'm that...  I am

tired of blaming myself.  Everyone else blames me so for once I'm not blaming

myself!  I have felt cold & distant the last few visits with my nada (feeling I

may just blow up and don't want to do that), but, can't be anything else. I am

tuning in to her words and realizing even when it's a supposedly nice time

together her digs are never ending.  I get out of the car to order a pizza for

her that she told me was supposed to 1/2 the price I paid.  I explained that the

price was for 2 medium pies not one large.  She tells me to go back in and ask. 

Normally I would have, but, I wouldn't.  I said I'm not going in to ask-here is

the menu and this is what it says .  She then starts I thought you learned at

your age how to speak up, i can't believe you still can't stand up for yourself,

you still are afraid to speak up, and she kept it up.  I got out, closed the

door and stood outside the car.  She looked shock and asked what I was doing.  I

said smoking a cigarette and she says you're always so nasty to me. Then I'm

carrying two armful of groceries up the stairs, panting all the way and she said

what she always says, only today I just couldn't listen.  Her remark is " you're

just like a man. I can't believe you can carry all of that -you're like a man

since you've been with HIM " (him is my significant other whose also losing his

significance in my eyes lately!).  I never realized how absurd everything she

says is...I am carrying her groceries, moving her furniture, etc.  and she

berates me

for being " just like a man " and the reason is because of HIM.  She will always

end any visit with some nasty dig and if I respond  I get " Why do you always

have to do this to me? "

" Why do you have to be so miserable? "   And I would wonder what did I do-she DID

it but it's always been put back on me.  It kind of reminds me of that saying

when I was a kid " i'm rubber, your'e glue, bounces off me and sticks to you. "

I just feel so f-cking angry...is that what people feel when they first become

aware?

I've been having nightmares, angry at relatives who are no longer alive, angry

at how they all always told my nada let lorliz do it rather than deal with her.

I wake up all upset, feeling I can't take it anymore-feeling I want to know the

truth, what truth i don't even know....has anyone ever experienced this?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 1, 2008 7:56:57 PM

Subject: Re: " Calm Before the Storm "

Hi

Thats interesting that you felt that way too. Yeh, thats I suppose

what kept my part playing in my nada and npdfathers and npdsisters

drama all my life. My total relief when they turned back to 'normal'

that induced a self-protective amnesia in me.

You know, this may sound so strange. All my life Ive been running

away from my parents/family. All my life Ive suffered from feelings

of terror/anxiety that I never knew of - that I tried to quell in

many ways, without knowing those feelings were there at all.

Only in the past year or so Ive learned of bpd and later npd. Once I

learned of my npd father and sister I managed to actualy FEEL my

feelings when around my father. Imagine the complete and utter shock

I experienced when I realised that I was experiencing terror anytime

I was in my fathers company - when I was conditioned to believe he

was 'a grreat guy' and my nada was the 'problem'. They're both the

problem, on their own and explosive together.

During that time I had enough on my hands experiencing the effects of

the narcissits on me and standing up to them and withdrawing NS. It

was a battle to get away from my npdfather at all.

Now is the first time I am experiencing the real FEELINGS I

experience around my nada and why. More feelings Ive been running my

whole life from. But while running, carrying them with me and acting

out these subconscious patterns with everyone else in my life.

This is the first time, Ive been forced to sit with my nada in a room

like this and experiene what Im experiencing while being able to see

quite clearly how fucked up she is and how she acts out and

understanding why.

Its been horrendous - seeing me and my reactions to her and her and

her reactions. But, maybe it was necessary for me to actually see

the reality - otherwise I would still have this fairytale imagine of

my nada for my self-protection - 'ah I really was loved - kind of

thing' and I would have continued to blame myself for their abuse.

So, its not all bad. Its like observing a rat in a lab who's

pleading with me to let him out of his cage, and each time I do he

bits me.

Experiment over? I wish.

Ive had a day today without visiting, didnt answer the phone or call

either - I'll say I forgot my charger. Im well versed on PA crap

now - I just cant have an open battle cause then I'll be

scapegoated. I know the score. Its not just a nada Im dealing with

Ive 2 narcissists just WAITING for me to fuck up and they will

destroy me..

So today, I suppose Im down, depressed and dis-spirited. Kinda

numb. It takes time to get over each episode and Ive been having

their daily episodes. Im not visiting tomorrow, late tomorrow I'll

ring and say I forgot my charger and Im late back.

Fuck I have 4 months of this. I'm going to have to somehow - I dont

know what the fuck Im going to do. Im not looking for sympathy here,

I keep thinking that I should be able to deal with this - to get a

grip on myself - but listening to everyone else makes me realise that

Im not alone - that Im not a complete spa for not being able to deal

with this and 'get over it' and not react to it and feel like I cant

cope at all with having to see my mother again. Im fucked if I do

and fucked if I dont. I just need to let out how Im feeling - bear

with me. Its good to let out the feelings behind that kinda numbness

today.

On the plus side, I stood up to nada about making her decisions about

her treatment. My nfather asked me to look up the chemo drugs on the

internet, and I managed to say that I would but my nsister would have

to print them out as my printer wasnt working. so I emailed a list

of all the things my nada wanted done and things she needs to find

out to my nsister as tasks for US to SHARE - classic. All in writing

and above board.

I also had something good happen today. I managed to confront a

conflict situation and deflect it - I feel like a real expert - just

a guy where I live - I wouldnt have had the skills to do that so well

before _ I was thrilled with myself!!!!!

Thanks for sharing and for listening to me

Grace

> >

> > I have this horrible knot in my stomach, a very familiar feeling

> and I am trying so hard not to project.  When I have felt this

before

> 99% of the time I was right in my feeling.  Since I had a " bug "

> yesterday and got out of seeing my mother for Thanksgiving she

spent

> the day alone.  We had been invited to my cousin's but we didn't

go. 

> She is upset with her nephew about things he had said to her on the

> phone 2 weeks ago and feels everything he said was because his

> parents (both deceased) had brainwashed him and are evil.  I also

> haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks.  I am the only person who takes

> her food shopping or to her appointments and I have guilt about not

> seeing her.   I was supposed to see her the Monday before this last

> one to take her to the dentist and errands.  After my cousin's call

> to her she said such horrible things to me and about me that I

> decided for the first time in my life, there was no way I was

taking

> her to the

> > dentist or spending the whole day with her. the next day. Instead

> of my usual lame excuse of feigning some illness or headache I was

> just honest and said I really needed to detach from her for a bit. 

> That of course, didn't go over so big and her phone calls escalated

> so badly she was making me sick again.  I did not phone her back

> (like I usually would) and she called the next day in one of her

> crisis modes (first on the house phone, then my cell).  I had been

> outside and missed the calls.  She was in a panick asking if I hasd

> lost power as all her lights went out.  I calmly told her that it

> might have been caused by a car accident and did she phone the

woman

> she knows downstairs in her apt. building.  She made some lame

excuse

> to get off.  Few minutes later she calls back and her lights are

on.

> She then asks were you going to call me today?  I explained that

she

> said alot of things that didn't sit too well with me and no, I

> wasn't.  She

> > acted as if nothing was wrong (which is basically the way my FOO

> always acts after any crisis) and said she was too tired to talk. 

I

> got sick last Sunday so I didn't see her this week as I had been

out

> of work too. So yesterday I call to say Happy Thanksgiving and all

> she was concerned with was if I heard from anybody? (meaning any of

> my cousins).  I'm damned if I say I did and I'm damned if I say I

> didn't.  I said my cousin who invited me phoned back in the morning

> after she had gotten my 2 messages about not coming.  So this

morning

> she calls to ask me the same question again.  I said i didn't hear

> from anyone.  So she starts in with I hope you learned a lesson

from

> this and I cut her off as I was getting ready for work.  I phoned

> this evening and she asks the same question and I finally

said " Mom,

> why are you just sitting there making yourself miserable about

noone

> phoning you?  "   She said " I have had it and I can't talk anymore " . 

> This

> > scares me as somehow after reading all about BPD these past

months

> I finally realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone

else,

> somehow everything I have ever said or done since I was a child

gets

> thrown up to me.  I have been down this road so many times and it

has

> worn me out.  I just don't know how to deal with any of it

anymore. 

> The sick part is there is a part of me that feels so badly for her-

i

> visualize her just sitting there, stewing, thinking of every rotten

> thing that everyone has done to her and it saddens me.  My role has

> always been to get her out of the house, entertain her, take her

> abuse, and hope her mood changes.  Reading all I have these past 6

> months, and especially on this list, has me so emotionally sick. 

My

> life has been spent trying to understand what I did to make her

hate

> me so or cause her rages and now I'm realizing it hasn't been me. 

I

> have alot of anger at her, relatives and even my father.  Anytime I

> > ever visited he would say " get her out of the house " .  He

couldn't

> take another minute with her and I felt so bad for him and his life

> that I got her out. One time after she was really on a roll, I

yelled

> at him and said " I don't want to take her out for lunch, how could

I

> even eat now and you're her husband, you deal with her " .  I felt

> tremendous guilt after that as well since my father was legally

> blind, due to a suicide attempt in 1969 where he shot himself in

the

> head in front of the precinct he worked at as a detective and was

> literally a caged animal for the next 20 years of his life.  Just

> thinking about everything makes me so sick.  When she's the " nice "

> nada, I fall right into thinking I have a mother and we can hang

out,

> have a nice time.  Lately, that seems to be getting harder &

harder. 

> I had a therapist, but, she left about a month or so ago.  I will

get

> another one assigned but right now I'm angry at the whole mental

> health system

> > as well. Since my mother moved closer to me about 7 years ago she

> is also part of that system.  When she needs something her

therapist

> will say " why can't your daughter do it? "   I, of course, go into a

> rage silently wanting to call her therapist and the nurse

practioner

> who prescribes medication that they are jeopardizing my mental

health

> everytime they make those statements.  I have done what I can and

> when i can't it's because i know it will kill me.  I am slowly

being

> killed by all of it and now am in the " i don't care

anymore "   mode. 

> It's probably because I still have this bug and i'm worn down and

> out, and i just want to avoid EVERYTHING. And yes, I do know for a

> fact that the therapists have said what she said they said.  This

is

> not the first time this has happened and I just get so tired of

> trying to explain anything to anyone.  Noone ever listened or

cared. 

> When I explained to my therapist all I learned about bpd and what I

> > suspected with my Mom she blew it off.  When I explained to the

> nurse practioner (who also sees my mother) she said your mother

> doesn't have bpd.  The next time I saw her I told her a few things

> that I think shocked her and she just didn't know what to say. 

Both

> the therapist and the nurse practioner left the mental health

> facility in the last month so I will be assigned to 2 new ones. 

The

> funny thing is when i first got my therapist she was reading over

the

> nurse practioner's notes and said I was too dependent on my

mother. 

> I think she had the cream in the coffee or whatever that expression

> is (i remember it from the billie holiday story- " lady sings the

> blues " .  I can't do anything without my mother butting in, telling

me

> what I like, dislike, should do, not do-when she speaks about

> anything concerning herself she always says " we " -like " we " don't

like

> that restaurant or " we " aren't like that-she speaks for me-i'm

sorry

> I am blabbering and this

> > post is all jumbled like my thoughts.  Just want to say thankis

> for this website as I have learned so much.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

thanks grace

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, December 3, 2008 11:24:46 PM

Subject: Re: " Calm Before the Storm "

Hiya

Im glad you liked the film, me too. You ask about the anger when

first learning about nada/bpd. Im sure lots of people here will have

good replies for you about this.

For me, alot of anger came out before I learned of bpd - I was doing

alot of body work - and a huge amount of anger came out. It was

hard. A big relief came when I could say - 'Im angry', 'Im feeling

angry' Then often I found/find behind the anger is just a torrent of

tears - sadness and pain.

At first the anger was easier as it gave me some protection - it gave

me some protection against people. It protected me and made me act.

I first got the book 'Understaning the borderline mother' a year

ago. Last week I reread some of it - and OMG - I have huge markings

all over it, things like 'I hate my mother' 'I have the fkin bitch'

you get the picture.

When my anger dropped a little I found huge pain, saddness, hurt,

longing. I found myself without any skin - any protection. My anger

was gone and here I was this vulnerable, wounded, person with no

defences now my anger was gone. I had to relearn skills to interact,

to defend myself, to stand up for myself - Im so hungry to learn.

For a while I had to be on my own as I didnt know how to deal with

things in this vulnerable state.

Alongside this, the terror came. It started when I went on a

meditation week - I didnt know what it was - but I ended up one

morning at 4am running down a snowy mountain 'running for my life'

really running from the terror within. A panic attack I suppose

would be a label for it. It took me nearly 2 years since then to sit

with that panic/terror and feel it. Its the running thats the worst

problem maybe.

For the sadness, I hugged a teddy bear alot. Piglet lol. It helped

me to connect to the tenderness and love within and to express this

as I needed to be held, loved, touched with tenderness. Like a

little girl with her dolly? Probably. Helped alot. Cried alot.

Sometimes the tears came in half-hour huge sobbing sessions -

sometimes they'd just come. Id be driving along and 'I'd be sobbing

away'. I think just to let it come, feel it, let it go - not to try

to feel anything - not to do - just to let yourself be.

I find as well, that just lying on the floor - back on floor, knees

up, feet/heels on floor, head supported by a few books. Thats a very

good safe, supported position. In this position there is the support

of the earth beneath and the support of the whole back can be sensed -

your backbone - your spine - you do have one lol.

Things like that - but yes the anger was tough going. I think I made

it worse by projecting it on to people at the time when it first

appeared. I just didnt know where all this anger was coming from lol

I thought it was some ones elses lol. I didnt know what was

happenning - I wanted 2 chose how I was, I wanted 2 look perfect 2

others, thats why everything was repressed. So to all the shop

assistants at that time I apologise lol.

|Sometimes when I recognised it for what it was - named it and owned

it, it went away - strange that. Sometimes Id belt my tennis

racket. Sometimes I screamed so hard I couldnt talk for a few days -

ouch. Sometimes Id break something. OH I broke two cars lol. Can

you believe it? Two engines gone - I swear thats where most of my

anger went - coming out my right foot into the engine - (they were 2

newish cars that got the same broken engine - too weird) and also to

top it off some road rage - but that was more panic attacks.

Lol - yep - I got angry lol Its horrible I think especially for a

girl to be angry - not the thing at all - so I was too scared to

admit my anger cause I was afraid that meant I was bad. That lead to

the projection which just prolonged things.

Another thing that helped lately - is knowing that my anger was a

good response to the situations I was in - validating myself. I

remember from childhood getting anger and doing 3 things that made me

vow never to get angry again because I thought it meant I was a

really horrible person (mild things)- when in reality I should have

gotten my anger out more and more often - it was justified - I turned

my anger inwards. Another thing that I hated was i couldnt NOT react

to my families abuse - and reacted like the silly child having a

temper - not knowing what the hell was happening and then that was

used to scapegoat me the bastards. But I digress lol

So, good luck! Be kind to yourself. I dont know how appropriate it

is to act out anger or if it is hurtful to the self - but I can only

speak from what happened to me and those 2 cars lol Im sure my

experiences may show you more what not to lol. Good luck

Grace

Also the terror

> > >

> > > I have this horrible knot in my stomach, a very familiar

feeling

> > and I am trying so hard not to project.  When I have felt this

> before

> > 99% of the time I was right in my feeling.  Since I had a " bug "

> > yesterday and got out of seeing my mother for Thanksgiving she

> spent

> > the day alone.  We had been invited to my cousin's but we didn't

> go. 

> > She is upset with her nephew about things he had said to her on

the

> > phone 2 weeks ago and feels everything he said was because his

> > parents (both deceased) had brainwashed him and are evil.  I also

> > haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks.  I am the only person who

takes

> > her food shopping or to her appointments and I have guilt about

not

> > seeing her.   I was supposed to see her the Monday before this

last

> > one to take her to the dentist and errands.  After my cousin's

call

> > to her she said such horrible things to me and about me that I

> > decided for the first time in my life, there was no way I was

> taking

> > her to the

> > > dentist or spending the whole day with her. the next

day. Instead

> > of my usual lame excuse of feigning some illness or headache I

was

> > just honest and said I really needed to detach from her for a

bit. 

> > That of course, didn't go over so big and her phone calls

escalated

> > so badly she was making me sick again.  I did not phone her back

> > (like I usually would) and she called the next day in one of her

> > crisis modes (first on the house phone, then my cell).  I had

been

> > outside and missed the calls.  She was in a panick asking if I

hasd

> > lost power as all her lights went out.  I calmly told her that it

> > might have been caused by a car accident and did she phone the

> woman

> > she knows downstairs in her apt. building.  She made some lame

> excuse

> > to get off.  Few minutes later she calls back and her lights are

> on.

> > She then asks were you going to call me today?  I explained that

> she

> > said alot of things that didn't sit too well with me and no, I

> > wasn't.  She

> > > acted as if nothing was wrong (which is basically the way my

FOO

> > always acts after any crisis) and said she was too tired to

talk. 

> I

> > got sick last Sunday so I didn't see her this week as I had been

> out

> > of work too. So yesterday I call to say Happy Thanksgiving and

all

> > she was concerned with was if I heard from anybody? (meaning any

of

> > my cousins).  I'm damned if I say I did and I'm damned if I say I

> > didn't.  I said my cousin who invited me phoned back in the

morning

> > after she had gotten my 2 messages about not coming.  So this

> morning

> > she calls to ask me the same question again.  I said i didn't

hear

> > from anyone.  So she starts in with I hope you learned a lesson

> from

> > this and I cut her off as I was getting ready for work.  I phoned

> > this evening and she asks the same question and I finally

> said " Mom,

> > why are you just sitting there making yourself miserable about

> noone

> > phoning you?  "   She said " I have had it and I can't talk

anymore " . 

> > This

> > > scares me as somehow after reading all about BPD these past

> months

> > I finally realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone

> else,

> > somehow everything I have ever said or done since I was a child

> gets

> > thrown up to me.  I have been down this road so many times and it

> has

> > worn me out.  I just don't know how to deal with any of it

> anymore. 

> > The sick part is there is a part of me that feels so badly for

her-

> i

> > visualize her just sitting there, stewing, thinking of every

rotten

> > thing that everyone has done to her and it saddens me.  My role

has

> > always been to get her out of the house, entertain her, take her

> > abuse, and hope her mood changes.  Reading all I have these past

6

> > months, and especially on this list, has me so emotionally sick. 

> My

> > life has been spent trying to understand what I did to make her

> hate

> > me so or cause her rages and now I'm realizing it hasn't been

me. 

> I

> > have alot of anger at her, relatives and even my father.  Anytime

I

> > > ever visited he would say " get her out of the house " .  He

> couldn't

> > take another minute with her and I felt so bad for him and his

life

> > that I got her out. One time after she was really on a roll, I

> yelled

> > at him and said " I don't want to take her out for lunch, how

could

> I

> > even eat now and you're her husband, you deal with her " .  I felt

> > tremendous guilt after that as well since my father was legally

> > blind, due to a suicide attempt in 1969 where he shot himself in

> the

> > head in front of the precinct he worked at as a detective and was

> > literally a caged animal for the next 20 years of his life.  Just

> > thinking about everything makes me so sick.  When she's

the " nice "

> > nada, I fall right into thinking I have a mother and we can hang

> out,

> > have a nice time.  Lately, that seems to be getting harder &

> harder. 

> > I had a therapist, but, she left about a month or so ago.  I will

> get

> > another one assigned but right now I'm angry at the whole mental

> > health system

> > > as well. Since my mother moved closer to me about 7 years ago

she

> > is also part of that system.  When she needs something her

> therapist

> > will say " why can't your daughter do it? "   I, of course, go into

a

> > rage silently wanting to call her therapist and the nurse

> practioner

> > who prescribes medication that they are jeopardizing my mental

> health

> > everytime they make those statements.  I have done what I can and

> > when i can't it's because i know it will kill me.  I am slowly

> being

> > killed by all of it and now am in the " i don't care

> anymore "   mode. 

> > It's probably because I still have this bug and i'm worn down and

> > out, and i just want to avoid EVERYTHING. And yes, I do know for

a

> > fact that the therapists have said what she said they said.  This

> is

> > not the first time this has happened and I just get so tired of

> > trying to explain anything to anyone.  Noone ever listened or

> cared. 

> > When I explained to my therapist all I learned about bpd and what

I

> > > suspected with my Mom she blew it off.  When I explained to the

> > nurse practioner (who also sees my mother) she said your mother

> > doesn't have bpd.  The next time I saw her I told her a few

things

> > that I think shocked her and she just didn't know what to say. 

> Both

> > the therapist and the nurse practioner left the mental health

> > facility in the last month so I will be assigned to 2 new ones. 

> The

> > funny thing is when i first got my therapist she was reading over

> the

> > nurse practioner's notes and said I was too dependent on my

> mother. 

> > I think she had the cream in the coffee or whatever that

expression

> > is (i remember it from the billie holiday story- " lady sings the

> > blues " .  I can't do anything without my mother butting in,

telling

> me

> > what I like, dislike, should do, not do-when she speaks about

> > anything concerning herself she always says " we " -like " we " don't

> like

> > that restaurant or " we " aren't like that-she speaks for me-i'm

> sorry

> > I am blabbering and this

> > > post is all jumbled like my thoughts.  Just want to say thankis

> > for this website as I have learned so much.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >