Re: was Patterns...(all-good vs. all-bad), now nada's hospitalization

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh I can so relate with everything being about them and

nothing about you! It sucks to take such a back seat to their little

self-contrived dramas! I know you just wanted to vent but hang in

there. It seems that just about everyone I have spoken with, who has

a BPD person in their life, experiences these weird attention seeking

behaviors. It is hard for me to even acknowledge some of my Nada's

medical complaints because they are so outrageous.

I also work next to a BPD person and she is also constantly bringing

up her ailments. If she gets a simple virus she always tells me that

her doctor diagnosed her as having a triple virus. She sprained her

hand a couple of months ago, and she said her doctor told her she

broke a tiny bone in her hand that is so tiny that it doesn't show on

the X-ray. I could go on and on. Sorry my intent is not to be more

depressing, just to let you know that I completely get it.

> >

> > Oh reading your post hit lots of hot buttons in me.

> > First of all I do think what Im doing is trying to control her

> > behaviour.

> > Seeing the whole thing as a complete waste of my time - is a

> > different perspective lol

> > How you describe your nada is so similiar to mine - yes she hates

> > people who have a good sense of self and trashes them - like my

> > sister with npd - she goes to town on her. She only likes

victims

> > and those she can pity. I realised that what my sister does

> > to 'control' or manage her when she starts to rage - is she

pretends

> > to be sick and then my nada changes completely into this

> > overprotective mentler who she can identify. I thought that my

> > sister with npd was being so manipulative until I tried it

recently

> > and it worked a treat. My sister for example has had a cold for

2

> > months and now a kidney infection. My nada is terrified of

germs.

> >

> > I realise that probably subconsciously I was always getting sick

to

> > please her - theres a name for that I think - muchinhosen or

> > something. She 'loves' me being sick and her being sick and she

> > knows all the top specialists. I think she kinda likes being

sick

> > now cause she sees it as giving her power and attention.

> >

> > Im afraid of the standing up to my nada. If I do that I know I

will

> > be worse than dead. They will destroy me - thats how I feel. I

feel

> > the only escape is to manipulate my way out.

> >

> > Most of all the feeling that came up in me was 'how could I do

that

> > to my poor mother' thats my npd father speaking. But they are my

> > feelings - my poor mother, who'd do anything for you, - the same

one

> > that wont allow me a life of my own or to achieve anything.

> >

> > I always wondered the reason why I couldnt get 'on with my life'

> > apart from all the terror etc. The real underlying reason

relates to

> > what you said. If I achieve anything, do anything positive for

> > myself, make money, look nice, get my hair done, buy something

nice

> > to wear, ANYTHING - Im trashed, put squarely back in my place and

she

> > becomes viscsious. The same with my npd father - if anything

good

> > happens for me he feels threathened and my place as his scapegoat

is

> > threathened, and he is afraid I will get out of his absolute

> > control. On the other hand if what I do brings HIM NS or glory

Im

> > pushed that way - to do things I hate to make him happy or make

him

> > look good.

> >

> > God - just writing this out is great - I know Im just writing and

> > writing, but its so helpful to express myself with people

who 'get

> > it'.

> >

> > It took most of the day to get past my panic and fears and to

delouse

> > from my mother - like I had sponged all her crap into me last

night

> > adn from my npd father yesterday as he was trying to contorl me

and

> > get all my attention as usual.

> >

> > Once I get them out of my head - I feel great - positive, happy,

> > making plans for myself, looking forward to what I want.

> >

> > Theres no arguement really - I just have to get through this

couple

> > of months of my nadas illness and get the hell away for good, but

> > without being scapegoated - no more of that - Im going to be

clever

> > for once and plan this.

> >

> > Thanks for your perspective, it helped!

> > Im so afriad of the n and bl perspectives I know I have picked up

> > from them too - anyone else like that? Afraid they'll be like

THEM?

> > Grace

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ginger,

Thank you for responding! All day today has been about her phone

calls; from waking me this morning to tell me she is fine, to

absolutely hysterical this afternoon because if she " gave something to

the baby (my niece's baby) I could NOT live with it!!! " And all over

in between. I'm exhausted just from trying to stay centered. I'm so

glad my husband is home today so we could talk after every phone call...

I've been leaning on everyone else's posts, too. Didn't get much

reading done during the weekend so I've been sitting at the computer

and catching up on this list. That really helps.

Thank you.

> > >

> > > Oh reading your post hit lots of hot buttons in me.

> > > First of all I do think what Im doing is trying to control her

> > > behaviour.

> > > Seeing the whole thing as a complete waste of my time - is a

> > > different perspective lol

> > > How you describe your nada is so similiar to mine - yes she hates

> > > people who have a good sense of self and trashes them - like my

> > > sister with npd - she goes to town on her. She only likes

> victims

> > > and those she can pity. I realised that what my sister does

> > > to 'control' or manage her when she starts to rage - is she

> pretends

> > > to be sick and then my nada changes completely into this

> > > overprotective mentler who she can identify. I thought that my

> > > sister with npd was being so manipulative until I tried it

> recently

> > > and it worked a treat. My sister for example has had a cold for

> 2

> > > months and now a kidney infection. My nada is terrified of

> germs.

> > >

> > > I realise that probably subconsciously I was always getting sick

> to

> > > please her - theres a name for that I think - muchinhosen or

> > > something. She 'loves' me being sick and her being sick and she

> > > knows all the top specialists. I think she kinda likes being

> sick

> > > now cause she sees it as giving her power and attention.

> > >

> > > Im afraid of the standing up to my nada. If I do that I know I

> will

> > > be worse than dead. They will destroy me - thats how I feel. I

> feel

> > > the only escape is to manipulate my way out.

> > >

> > > Most of all the feeling that came up in me was 'how could I do

> that

> > > to my poor mother' thats my npd father speaking. But they are my

> > > feelings - my poor mother, who'd do anything for you, - the same

> one

> > > that wont allow me a life of my own or to achieve anything.

> > >

> > > I always wondered the reason why I couldnt get 'on with my life'

> > > apart from all the terror etc. The real underlying reason

> relates to

> > > what you said. If I achieve anything, do anything positive for

> > > myself, make money, look nice, get my hair done, buy something

> nice

> > > to wear, ANYTHING - Im trashed, put squarely back in my place and

> she

> > > becomes viscsious. The same with my npd father - if anything

> good

> > > happens for me he feels threathened and my place as his scapegoat

> is

> > > threathened, and he is afraid I will get out of his absolute

> > > control. On the other hand if what I do brings HIM NS or glory

> Im

> > > pushed that way - to do things I hate to make him happy or make

> him

> > > look good.

> > >

> > > God - just writing this out is great - I know Im just writing and

> > > writing, but its so helpful to express myself with people

> who 'get

> > > it'.

> > >

> > > It took most of the day to get past my panic and fears and to

> delouse

> > > from my mother - like I had sponged all her crap into me last

> night

> > > adn from my npd father yesterday as he was trying to contorl me

> and

> > > get all my attention as usual.

> > >

> > > Once I get them out of my head - I feel great - positive, happy,

> > > making plans for myself, looking forward to what I want.

> > >

> > > Theres no arguement really - I just have to get through this

> couple

> > > of months of my nadas illness and get the hell away for good, but

> > > without being scapegoated - no more of that - Im going to be

> clever

> > > for once and plan this.

> > >

> > > Thanks for your perspective, it helped!

> > > Im so afriad of the n and bl perspectives I know I have picked up

> > > from them too - anyone else like that? Afraid they'll be like

> THEM?

> > > Grace

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think your mother might have more experience with this than mine

does, but I think I can still relate! She has always enjoyed

spouting off every symptom she's ever had to anyone who will listen.

She loves the pity.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my mother *had* to go all

the way to Mayo Clinic for an echocardiogram. She stayed for a whole

week of testing (which she really seems to enjoy), and they

discovered a small growth on her kidney. My dad called to tell me

about it, using the exact same tone of voice he used when he told me

his brother had died. They don't even know yet whether it's

malignant, but plan to go back to Mayo's to have it removed in a

couple of months. Dad almost never calls me himself, so I figured

Mom was playing helpless again. Then when he was done talking, he

almost asked if I wanted to talk to her, but I heard her mumble

something, and he just said, " No, okay talk to you later. " So she

was definitely malingering ;-)

Anyway, I talked to my sister later. She is in college and has been

spending holidays with me instead of our parents for the past year or

two. She said that Dad asked if she was going to come home now (she

already told them she has plans to be somewhere else), and that he

sounded really surprised that she said no. Mom would really like

some extra attention, I guess, and so my sister is supposed to drop

everything and run home to be with our *dying* (ahem!not quite!)

mother. I'm married and haven't spent a thanksgiving with them in 9

or 10 years, so thankfully I didn't get the guilt trip.

Before they'd even heard about the growth (doctors aren't even

calling it a tumor), we got this weird email from one of mom's crazy

relatives, saying how my sister and I must be so worried and that she

is praying for us. Who knows how gravely ill she's been telling the

rest of the world she is!

Your mom's diarrhea scene sounds over-the-top. Good for you for

helping in an appropriate and detached way.

Kt