Guest guest Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an idea of how many people we may be able to provide for this project. " So basically i need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and dont know which is right or wrong. T ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM Subject: Non-BPD question Hey Everyone, This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i should do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. Thanks for your help! T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 I am not a very black and white kind of person- so I do see shades of grey. Part of me feels like it is a great opportunity for you. It is already December- so January or February isn't that far off. I know if I have the opportunity to go somewhere and my husband doesn't want to go, I do go. I also don't have the greatest marriage either. I know I wouldn't hold my partner back from the experience. It would be nice if you had your wife's support. He keep talking to her, and see where it goes. Good luck, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , tony messina wrote: > > Hey Everyone, > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > Thanks for your help! > T > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 Is the pregnancy thing really your wife's reason for being mad that you would consider this or is there more going on than that? If you're gone for three weeks, you're going to be missing one several day window of opportunity for getting her pregnant. Depending on the timing of her cycle and you might not even miss that since women typically have four-week cycles. My guess is that there's more to this than just that. Maybe the stress of dealing with not getting pregnant and needing to go to the doctor about it is wearing on her and causing her to react that way? Maybe she'll feel less angry once you've both been to the doctor and you've found out whether or not there is a real problem? Or is there something else about the trip that worries her or maybe something about staying home without you that she finds distressing? I find that people being mad at each other is often rooted in fear or worry of some sort no matter what the surface reason seems to be. If I were you, I'd sit down and have an uninterupted talk about how much this opportunity means to you and why you want to go. Your marriage ought to be more important than sight-seeing no matter how interesting the opportunity is. On the other hand, if you end up not going you may feel resentful for a long time and that is never good for a marriage either. It would be best if the two of you could manage find a way to agree on a decision that you both feel good about. If I were married and a situation like this came up, I'd be incredibly jealous of my husband but I'd tell him to go. I've never wanted a baby though and can't really imagine the way she feels about getting pregnant. Being unable to have a baby is a really big deal to some women. It just seems hard for me to believe that there's not more to it than waiting an extra month to get pregnant. At 09:28 AM 12/18/2008 tony messina wrote: >This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type >question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife >and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no >luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I >understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and >feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been >dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to >a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that >it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an >opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in >January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a >part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My >wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning >going on here, and that would mean another month of not being >able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with >cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i >should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity > to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go > and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 I can see both sides of this. I love to travel and would really feel bad if I had to miss a big opportunity to go somewhere new. I also have been in the situation where we were trying to get pregnant and I didn't want my husband to go anywhere! If it's any encouragement, the month we got pg with our 3rd son, dh had to go out of town during what was almost always the " window " time and I was feeling upset about it, thinking we would have to wait another month. But in fact the O was late and ended up perfectly timed for when he got back! So you never know. Also, if you don't have it already I highly recommend the book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Absolutely the best book ever and has helped many people get pg who thought they couldn't. They have a website - www.tcoyf.com. I wish you luck with this - a very tough decision. > > > > > Hey Everyone, > > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type > question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I > have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. > I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she > is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something > wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are > going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working > properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I > got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in > January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part > of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is > mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, > and that would mean another month of not being able to get > pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a > teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i should > > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to > travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants > us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > > > Thanks for your help! > > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 take your wife with you!!!!! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:10 AM Subject: Re: Non-BPD question Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an idea of how many people we may be able to provide for this project. "  So basically i need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and dont know which is right or wrong. T ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM Subject: Non-BPD question Hey Everyone, This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i should do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. Thanks for your help! T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 --- Good idea. Could she go, if only for one week? (preferably when she's ovulating?) I love to travel, and I'd have a hard time passing up that opportunity. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , Bridget Tehan wrote: > > take your wife with you!!!!! > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:10 AM > Subject: Re: Non-BPD question > > Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an idea of how many > people we may be able to provide for this project. "  So basically i need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and dont know which is right or wrong. > T > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM > Subject: Non-BPD question > > > Hey Everyone, > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what > i should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > Thanks for your help! > T > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 No she coulnt. She is a teacher, and they are very strict with taking time off like that. This has ended up causing a huge fight with us, and i am at a lose at what to do. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 10:49:54 AM Subject: Re: Non-BPD question --- Good idea. Could she go, if only for one week? (preferably when she's ovulating?) I love to travel, and I'd have a hard time passing up that opportunity. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, Bridget Tehan <bridget.tehan@ ...> wrote: > > take your wife with you!!!!! > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:10 AM > Subject: Re: Non-BPD question > > Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an idea of how many > people we may be able to provide for this project. " So basically i need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and dont know which is right or wrong. > T > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM > Subject: Non-BPD question > > > Hey Everyone, > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what > i should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > Thanks for your help! > T > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Dear Tony, None of us can make this decision for you. I understand why you might need some feedback, though. I imagine your wife is feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and maybe a little guilty that she has not gotten pregnant yet. It is a normal emotional reaction to feel frustrated about that. But like you said, I don't think it's necessary to jump to the conclusion that anyone is " infertile " just yet. If your wife is feeling stressed emotionally and physically, or putting pressure on herself to get pregnant, that can sometimes make it harder to conceive. Try to encourageher to take it easy and understand that it's okay not to get pregnant right away. Is this trip to Taiwan something you need to do for your career, or just something that seems like fun? If it's the latter, my suggestion would be to wait and plan a vacation somewhere in the summer when you can both go together. I remember that you and your wife were having some problems already, many having to do with your mother. Have you been able to resolve those issues? kt > > Hey Everyone, > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what i should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > Thanks for your help! > T > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 I have a very different opinion than those presented thus far. First of all, as a KO it's very hard for us to put ourselves first - ever. I find that trait is learned more than anything bc we never did it as kids and rarely as adults if ever. In a relationship you generally put your spouse first. However ... that goes both ways. I think if your wife is *jealous* of you having this opportunity - that's very unfortunate. If she's worried about getting pregnant - a child is a lifetime decision in which trips overseas will not be likely for 20 years or more, (disease, passport, travelling with feeding issues etc.) so doing this NOW rather than later is not only intelligent but realistic. If she wants to have a baby, 3 more weeks is not going to hurt the timetable, rather it should /not/ be that big of a deal if having a baby is really the issue. Personally, and this is going to sound harsh, but it makes me SO angry when women get upset with their husbands (or husbands with wives but it seems it's usually the women doing the upset part) when men have opportunities they don't. Whatever the reasons may be - that person is your SPOUSE. You should be HAPPY for them - not simmering, stewing or trying to manipulate and make your hubby feel like crap bc you have issues, unresolved, whatever they may be. Now obviously I know nothing about your situation outside of the simple question. But if it were me, my husband would applaud me - if it were him I would applaud him and shoo him out the door - help him pack. The only thing that would stand in my way is if one of our children fell near death ill before he left. In relationships what should play havoc are the /big/ issues, not the little ones. You have a real opportunity here and even if it /is/ just for fun overseas while working, why, WHY don't YOU deserve some fun? Are you a dedicated husband? Are you a dedicated worker? Are you a good person? Then why stay home? And why would she want you to if it makes /you/ happy? That's really the bottom line. Your spouse should want you ultimately to be happy ... if they don't - then there's a fundamental flaw in the works somewhere. I sincerely hope you work this out with both of you happy  But please, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You're a good person, or you wouldn't have bothered asking this list for advice, you would have done what you wanted without discussing it with anybody. You're not selfish either - (ie same behavior as I just stated - not asking, just doing.) Good luck.  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 9:05:56 AM Subject: Re: Re: Non-BPD question No she coulnt. She is a teacher, and they are very strict with taking time off like that. This has ended up causing a huge fight with us, and i am at a lose at what to do. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 10:49:54 AM Subject: Re: Non-BPD question --- Good idea. Could she go, if only for one week? (preferably when she's ovulating?) I love to travel, and I'd have a hard time passing up that opportunity. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, Bridget Tehan <bridget.tehan@ ...> wrote: > > take your wife with you!!!!! > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:10 AM > Subject: Re: Non-BPD question > > Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an idea of how many > people we may be able to provide for this project. "  So basically i need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and dont know which is right or wrong. > T > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM > Subject: Non-BPD question > > > Hey Everyone, > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any advice on what > i should > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > Thanks for your help! > T > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 My two cents: I agree with . > > > > take your wife with you!!!!! > > > > > > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > From: tony messina <tmess9@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > > Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:10 AM > > Subject: Re: Non-BPD question > > > > Also, in the email that was sent out from my company it says > this " This is not a commitment on your part but we need to get an > idea of how many > > people we may be able to provide for this project. " So basically i > need to let them know if i am interested, but i worry if i say yes, > and then things are still the way they are now, then i wont be able > to get out of it. I dont know why but i have a really hard time > dealing with things like this where i see two sides of things and > dont know which is right or wrong. > > T > > > > > > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __ > > From: tony messina <tmess9@> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > > Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:28:55 AM > > Subject: Non-BPD question > > > > > > Hey Everyone, > > This isnt really a BPD question, more of I need advice type > question, cause i feel i have no where else to turn. My wife and I > have been trying to get pregnant since the summer with no luck yet. > I know these things can take a while, and I understand that, but she > is getting upset with it all and feeling that there is something > wrong with us. We have been dealing with this just fine, and we are > going to start going to a doctor to make sure everything is working > properly, and that it is just a matter of time. Today however, I got > an opportunity to travel to Taiwan for 3 weeks in January/February. > This is an incredible opportunity to see a part of the world i would > probably not ever be able to see. My wife is mad that i would even > consider this with everythning going on here, and that would mean > another month of not being able to get pregnant. It isnt an option > for her to some with cause she is a teacher. Does anyone have any > advice on what > > i should > > do here? On one hand, i feel i missing a great opportunity to > travel, and on the other, my wife does not want me to go and wants us > to figure out the pregnancy situation. > > > > Thanks for your help! > > T > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2008 Report Share Posted December 21, 2008 > > I have a very different opinion than those presented thus far. > > First of all, as a KO it's very hard for us to put ourselves first - ever. I find that trait is learned more than anything bc we never did it as kids and rarely as adults if ever. In a relationship you generally put your spouse first. > > However ... that goes both ways. > makes a very good point. There has to be give and take in a relationship not matter what stage you are in. One thing I will say though is that trying to conceive a child is a very emotional thing for a woman. That said, at this stage in the game, there isn't any real reason to be overly concerned about your wife not having conceived yet. The simple statistics are that after 6 months, about 50% of couples trying to conceive, will be pregnant. After 12 months, the number goes up to 80%. Of those 20%, there is only a small percentage with " real " fertility issues because many of those trying just needed to take a few more deliberate steps to finally get pregnant. It took me about 3.5 years to get pregnant. We saw speciialists (after 2 plus years of trying on our own - yes, we were in a bit of denial) and fell into the category of individuals needing additional assistance because we had real issues (rather than just a question of timing it right). At the time we were going through the process for a second time to try for another child, my husband had to travel to Sweden for work. So I can kind of understand your wife's perspective. It is a frustrating thing to feel somewhat tied to a biological calendar. But at the end of the day, you have an exceptional opportunity that not many other people have. One month is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. If it's important to you, then perhaps a discussion with your wife about what it means to you is in order. Going on this trip doesn't mean you don't want a child or love your wife less. It shouldn't be equated with that. Let your wife know you understand how emotional this whole process is for a woman, but that you would like her to understand this once in a lifetime opportunity for you as well. I would think you would be able to help her understand your point of view. Take care- JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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