Re: Husband Talks about PTSD --->Walkingtohapp --- Disassociating

[Guest guest]

,

First I want to say you have received the greatest holiday

present ever- your husband's love and support. It is truly as they

say the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you for sharing your amazing

love and hope. Your husband and you are very lucky and blessed to

have each other.

I struggle everyday with my marriage, I live with an abusive

man. I have tried leaving him twice, so your final comment about

bidding your time just hit my heart so very hard. I ask God everyday

for direction, and your post spoke to me for so many reasons.

I had shared I had gotten the phone call we were one mortgage

payment from foreclosure. Which was followed by no discussion of

anything- he just won't deal. I then got the flu. I am off work again

today sick. Tuesday I was home sick. He was kind to me. He went and

bought me Vicks vapor rub, brought me breakfast in bed, and brought

dinner home. I appreciated any help...I was so sick.

Later that evening I asked him if him if could just rub my

head, my head just hurts so badly. When ever he has a headache, I

will do that for him.

He asked me, " If I do that, what is in it for me? " . Then he said,

" I guess since your sick I shouldn't ask that. "

Followed by him asking me if I was suprised about how kind he

was to that day. He reminded me about getting me the Vicks,

breakfast and dinner. I said I was surprised- to be honest my head

hurt so bad, I just was agreeing with him. Then he wanted me to

explain to him why I was surprised he could be kind to me. I didn't

want to explain anything. I just needed some help, I was sick. He

kept pushing for why. I finally said- I am sick and why do I have to

explain anything.

That is my life- justifying, explaining, and yet being

blamed and discounted for my feelings or viewpoint.

I have shared with husband my pain of growing with nada. He

also has experienced nada first hand. When I went to Caron House for

their week codependency program- I was told, your partner should be

your greatest fan. you have that, a spouse that is that is

your greatest fan.

Thank you again for this post- I am saving it.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , SDM wrote:

>

> I've known my husband since I was 16 - we were best friends for 8

years before we ventured into dating and it was a quite a story even

then.  He has always known I have 'issues', but he didn't know

exactly what they were.  I am 100% honest with him in what I'm

thinking and feeling, maybe more than most husband/wife arrangements

bc my parents lied to each other constantly and I never wanted to

live that way.  Having my husband be so supportive during my recovery

has given me immeasurable strength and vindication daily.  I know

that I'm walking the right path and I have someone at my side who

believes in me and loves me. 

>

> Below is Walking's original question and my hubby's response.  He

is making a joke about the 'fleas' - referring to them as the actual

bugs, not as what we were talking about *he's a funny guy in our

circles of friends and at work - that's just his personality*.  I

wish every person on this list finds someone like I did and is as

happy as we are.  Marriage's are work, but it's a fun kind of work

when it's with someone you love that is putting into it as much as

you are.

> Hope this gives some of you great hope - good people are definately

out there.  And if you're biding your time with a person who is not

right for you, I hope you find the strength to find the person who is.

> Sincerely,

>

>

>

>

>

> Subject: RE: Re:Walking --- Disassociating

>

>

>                         Wow babe, I don't know what to say other

than . . . what I always tell you:  Life is fragile.  With an

understanding for the " disorder, " I have no limit for how much I can

take.

>             I didn't have the foresight to know that you were going

to be ill, or have fleas.  (Fleas are a deal-breaker though . . .

please avoid them if you can.)  In fact, I was totally unaware that

you were a survivor, but I sensed strength.  I do know that I love

you, and do so unconditionally.  I know if roles were reversed you'd

be by my side through it all, and not out of marital obligation, but

by choice.  I believe that my own tribulations of adversity have

helped grant tolerance and compassion to allow me to " deal " with your

condition.  Having my own sorts of PTSD I can empathize with your

plight and understand when your hurt, and why you might crawl into a

shell, as I too perceivably have strange mechanisms for coping.  But,

you're my wife, a person . . . not a diagnosis, nor a symptom.  While

I do not know what the future holds exactly, if given the opportunity

to rewind time and do it over again with the

> knowledge you were an abuse survivor in advance, I'd still have

married you and stood stalwart by your side.  I don't understand that

I hear marriages fail when a person becomes disabled or has PTSD.  I

firmly believe that when you are with someone you should remain

resolute to your commitment.  You aren't someone else when your

trigger is activated.  You're still my wife with all her quills

standing on edge.  It's my job to make sure they don't have to, to

make sure you're safe and in control.

>             The truth is while you regularly remind me how lucky

you are, I truly feel that I am the blessed one.  You're an example

to our family, friends, and myself.  I know you have suffered, but it

seems your attitude remains one of focus and function.  You're

committed to our marriage, our family, and us.  I think, while I'd

not wish your past upon anyone, it allows you to appreciate the

relative solace between the bouts of disassociation.  When it

happens, I try to treat you as how I would want to be.  I reach out,

clutch you and keep you safe.  It needs to be said that when your

disassociation occurs, it's a trigger to cope, and nothing more.  As

long as I keep that in mind, it makes weathering the small storms

very easy.  I very much feel it's my duty as I love you. 

>             Life is fragile, unpredictable and far from perfect. 

I'd always just naturally assumed most people are like me, like us,

normal.  With some skeletons in closets most of us are never very far

from, but distant enough to: love, play, work, and live.  I don't

really know what else to say . . . other than I love you and I hope

your cohorts find some comfort in knowing compassionate, caring

people are everywhere, despite what their past or their fears may

prevent them from seeing.  I'd say you and this list are small

samples of that grace.

>  

> Love Landon

>  

>

> ________________________________

>

> From:SDM

> Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 6:56 AM

> To: Landon Mandt

> Subject: Fw: Re:Walking --- Disassociating

>  

> This was her question honey - reply to me and I'll add onto it and

send it to the list.  I 'll pass along her reply too -

> love you

> brina

>  

> ----- Forwarded Message ----

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 7:38:51 PM

> Subject: Re:Walking --- Disassociating

>

>

>

> Thanks,

> What compassion to find on this website!!

>

> I am so proud of you, at how far you say you have come. I am a

little curious, what is it like to have your husband help you through

this? Have you always lived with him through your recovery, and if

so, doesn't he ever feel attacked when your PTSD would act up? How do

you both handle those attacks as a couple? Good to know there are

wonderful men like that out there... who would support a wretched

PTSD-flea ridden person... but how much can we ask a man to take?

>

> Thanks

> Walking to

>

> From you friend

> " WALKING TO HAPPINESS " .

> May we all walk towards happiness...

>

>

>

>

>