Re: Re: Giving love or giving up???

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It was so strange reading what you wrote about your brother...the part about

your nada in his body and his voice even sounding like hers.

My brother & I were always very close-it was just the two of us growing up and

all we had was each other.  As we grew older we still remained close and we were

like best friends.  My brother got into drinking too much and he would call me

at all hours of the evening.  Our visits usually ended in some horrible way and

I would always be left crying wondering what happened to " us " ? I remember being

really freaked out by the things he would say to me, his tone of voice, even the

dramatic pauses in our phone conversations-it was just like speaking to my

nada.  He would also always bring up incidents from the past, blame me for

everything that had gone wrong in his life and accuse me of the very same things

my nada had often accused me of doing or saying.  I thought it was the alcohol

speaking, yet, it still creeped me out.  I also noticed he would want to see

me,spend time with me, but, just like my nada he would attack me, put me down,

and make me

never want to see or speak with him. This has been going on since my 20's (i'm

now in my late 50's).  When I first learned about BPD I had that " lightbulb

moment " and finally understood my nada.  I tried not to see my brother that

way-tried to think maybe it's the fleas I've learned about, but, now I'm not so

sure.  I'm beginning to see so much in my brother and my significant other and

I'm just so freaked out.  First I thought I must really be crazy because now I'm

diagnosing not only my nada, but my brother and my partner for 30 years. I have

felt so alone, so scared.  The people whom I had always thought I was so close

with, could trust, and confide in I'm now feeling like " they " are the ones who

have been emotionally abusing me, they are the ones who take what I say and use

it later to throw back in my face, prey upon my vulnerbilities and weaknesses

and cause me so much pain. This has all been more than scarey for me as I feel

there is

absolutely noone I can really trust anymore.  I find it just makes me want to

crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hibernate for a few months until

I can get this all straight in my head.  I can't deal with it..  I don't want

any of this bpd stuff to be true.  I want the mother, brother and significant

other to be what I always thought they were to me.  I have always managed to

downplay the " bad " parts chalking it up to they are all just very difficult

people.  Now I think it is much more.  How do you cope with this information and

suddenly realize maybe it hasn't been me after all?  Maybe it is " them " ?

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 11:47:50 AM

Subject: Re: Giving love or giving up???

Yes - that explains my brother. Sometimes the real him is there, but

lately it's her in his body. He's disappeared. It's eerie - his voice

even sounds like her. Like there's this 52 year old woman in an 18

year old guy's body. At times I thought it was just a strong genetic

likeness, but this is probably much closer to the truth and explains

why it makes me feel so creeped out. I mean I really love him and

have fond memories from when he was younger, but he has changed. As

you put it, maybe my real brother doesn't even exist anymore.

> > >

> > > My anger and sadness over the last abusive incident with my

nada is

> > > starting to fade. I started taking antidepressents for the

first time

> > > in my life so I'm feeling strong and have been thinking about

> > > contacting her. I know this is a dangerous pattern - she

doesn't

> > > apologize and won't discuss what happened at all. She just

waits

> > > until the whole thing blows over and acts as if nothing

happened.

> > > Then we have a few good months, she gains my trust and then she

does

> > > something awful to me and the whole cycle starts again. It's

hurtful

> > > and exhausting and I always regret letting her back in my life.

Yet I

> > > still have this yearning for the mom who is sometimes very

loving and

> > > supportive, even though I know she could turn evil without

warning.

> > > Has anyone succeeded at having a relationship with their nada

or is

> > > NC the only way to go?

> > >

> > > Part of my motivation is to get in touch with my 18-yr-old

brother

> > > who still lives with her. I believe she's been telling him I'm

> > > ashamed of the fact that he is gay, which is a lie. She tells

people

> > > this is the reason I am keeping my distance from her. She is

the one

> > > who has a problem with it, but I just want him to be happy. I'm

> > > keeping my distance because of her behavior, not his.

> > >

> > > He's graduating from high school this year, and I just want him

to

> > > know the truth. I sent him a letter telling him basically that

this

> > > summer, but I'm not sure if he got it. I know she intercepted

it

> > > because she told me he didn't like it and found it impersonal.

That

> > > really confused me because I wrote from the heart, but now that

I

> > > understand more about BPD I wonder if she kept it from him or

if she

> > > convinced him it was impersonal or untrue. Hopefully he saw it

and

> > > heard what I was saying despite her manipulation. He has never

talked

> > > to me about it and doesn't initiate contact with me so I have

no idea

> > > what he thinks. She says their computer is broken so I can't e-

mail

> > > him. She also stopped paying his cell phone and it was turned

off. So

> > > my only way to him is through her (by her design I'm sure.)

> > >

> > > So here's my question:

> > >

> > > Do you fight through the lies or just let it go and let people

figure

> > > it out on their own? I've been trained all my life to be

passive and

> > > sometimes I think I should be more assertive and set the record

> > > straight. Other times I think there's no winning with a BPD or

that

> > > I'm being codependent and should let it go. I guess I really

need

> > > some unbiased feedback...

> > >

> >

>