working through a crisis

[Guest guest]

<<What do you say when

nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

you're doing the wrong thing?>>

I have been in my own crisis over this very question you eloquently

stated. You are stronger than you think! You can stand up for

yourself, you need to take care of yourself!

Good luck!

>

> First, I'd like to say I'm so thankful to have found this group!

> I've been a member for a couple of weeks, and until today, mostly

> lurking. I appreciate all that is said here and now find myself in

> the midst of my own personal crisis and so am reaching out for

input

> from others who understand. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

>

> I am the daughter of a BP mom who is still married to my fada. I

> recently got married after 5 years of engagement. When we were

first

> engaged, we went to my parents and told them of our plans and they

> reacted horribly, with unreasonable, narcissistic demands. And

> they " love " my husband. Ridiculous. And also typical of my

> borderline family system. We chose to get married this year,

without

> our families present because that was the only way we could have a

> ceremony the way we wanted it to be without interference and drama.

> (My husband's mother is an alcoholic.)

>

> As I'm sure you can all imagine the initial conversation with my

> nada letting her know about our marriage was difficult and painful.

> I set some limits and ended the conversation quickly. Then we

didn't

> speak for about 3 weeks, when she started sending emails and

leaving

> voicemails like nothing had transpired. She's thrilled to be coming

> to visit us (even though she has never really been invited) for the

> holidays.

>

> After much deliberation and struggling with my guilty feelings, I

> sent her an email and told her that we were not up for guests over

> the holidays. Her voicemails became more and more frantic, with the

> most recent one saying she's going into the hospital tomorrow.

>

> I broke down and called her to find out what's going on. She's

> having a procedure to remove a tumor on her esophagus. And she

can't

> wait to get here because she and my fada " just need a hug, " since

> they're going through such difficult times now.

>

> I know this is her m.o. I'm playing into her hand. And still, I

> can't help but feel like I'd really be the selfish, heartless, bad

> daughter if I choose me over her, if I stick to my guns. I don't

> even really know how to do that at this point. What do you say when

> nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

> you're doing the wrong thing?

>

> Thanks again for all of the love and the support cycling through

> this community. I finally feel like I'm not so alone in all of this.

>

[Guest guest]

Here's my 2 cents.... listen to your gut. You said that you knew

that this was part of her pattern, right? Recognizing that means

there is no reason for guilt because it's not a sincere " emergency, "

know what I mean? I think that you should listen to what YOU want

and do it. The ONLY way for nada to even come close to respecting

boundaries is for you to be consistent and STRONG with them and not

let her overstep them! Don't let her guilt trip you and ruin your

xmas. You are married, you have a RIGHT to have your OWN xmas without

her, PERIOD. If she doesn't like that, too bad. She will get over it

and act like nothing has happened anyways so you have nothing to lose,

in my opinion.

>

> First, I'd like to say I'm so thankful to have found this group!

> I've been a member for a couple of weeks, and until today, mostly

> lurking. I appreciate all that is said here and now find myself in

> the midst of my own personal crisis and so am reaching out for input

> from others who understand. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

>

> I am the daughter of a BP mom who is still married to my fada. I

> recently got married after 5 years of engagement. When we were first

> engaged, we went to my parents and told them of our plans and they

> reacted horribly, with unreasonable, narcissistic demands. And

> they " love " my husband. Ridiculous. And also typical of my

> borderline family system. We chose to get married this year, without

> our families present because that was the only way we could have a

> ceremony the way we wanted it to be without interference and drama.

> (My husband's mother is an alcoholic.)

>

> As I'm sure you can all imagine the initial conversation with my

> nada letting her know about our marriage was difficult and painful.

> I set some limits and ended the conversation quickly. Then we didn't

> speak for about 3 weeks, when she started sending emails and leaving

> voicemails like nothing had transpired. She's thrilled to be coming

> to visit us (even though she has never really been invited) for the

> holidays.

>

> After much deliberation and struggling with my guilty feelings, I

> sent her an email and told her that we were not up for guests over

> the holidays. Her voicemails became more and more frantic, with the

> most recent one saying she's going into the hospital tomorrow.

>

> I broke down and called her to find out what's going on. She's

> having a procedure to remove a tumor on her esophagus. And she can't

> wait to get here because she and my fada " just need a hug, " since

> they're going through such difficult times now.

>

> I know this is her m.o. I'm playing into her hand. And still, I

> can't help but feel like I'd really be the selfish, heartless, bad

> daughter if I choose me over her, if I stick to my guns. I don't

> even really know how to do that at this point. What do you say when

> nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

> you're doing the wrong thing?

>

> Thanks again for all of the love and the support cycling through

> this community. I finally feel like I'm not so alone in all of this.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, . My thoughts are interjected below.

I

> recently got married after 5 years of engagement. When we were

first

> engaged, we went to my parents and told them of our plans and they

> reacted horribly, with unreasonable, narcissistic demands.

Not surprising. Weddings are impossible for borderline parents to

handle, because they see it as you abandoning them. Good for you for

finally tying the knot! Otherwise you might have spent the rest of

her life engaged ;-)

> As I'm sure you can all imagine the initial conversation with my

> nada letting her know about our marriage was difficult and painful.

> I set some limits and ended the conversation quickly. Then we

didn't

> speak for about 3 weeks

Your mother's unconscious (probably) thought at this point: " How dare

she do something on her own! I must punish her! "

, when she started sending emails and leaving

> voicemails like nothing had transpired. She's thrilled to be coming

> to visit us (even though she has never really been invited) for the

> holidays.

" I have to make sure doesn't forget about me. SHE'S PART OF

ME, so I can go see her anytime I want. Who wouldn't love to see

their mother on Christmas! I'm giving her a huge gift--ME! ME! ME! "

>

> After much deliberation and struggling with my guilty feelings, I

> sent her an email and told her that we were not up for guests over

> the holidays.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You have every right to decide with your husband

when you want to receive visitors, and whether it's okay if people

drop by unannounced.

> Her voicemails became more and more frantic, with the

> most recent one saying she's going into the hospital tomorrow.

>

" I can't believe I'm so horrible that my own daughter won't see me on

Christmas. How can I make HER feel like the horrible one? OH, I'VE

GOT IT [insert evil cackle]!!!! Did I mention everything has to be

about ME? "

> I broke down and called her to find out what's going on. She's

> having a procedure to remove a tumor on her esophagus. And she

can't

> wait to get here because she and my fada " just need a hug, " since

> they're going through such difficult times now.

What convenient timing. Just when you're trying to grow up and set

your own boundaries, VOILA! a magical tumor appears.

She clearly does not care that you said you do not want company. She

is not listening to you. I advise you to stand firm and not let her

manipulate you.

My mom recently got a congestive heart failure diagnosis, and then

they found a growth on her kidney. I've been LC with her for about a

year and a half now. I don't doubt the diagnosis in her case, but

she clearly expected me to fear for her life and dote all kinds of

affection on her, so I understand what's happening here. YOUR MOTHER

IS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU. I don't know if her tumor is real or

not, but she is using it as an excuse to make you give her what she

wants by making you feel sorry for her. You might suggest she get

that hug from one of her friends. Assuming she has one.

And again, this is all about her. How dare you have your own life!

She's trying to make sure you still know she's there and that you had

better love her, or else.

And the thing about the hug makes me cringe. She is expecting YOU to

be HER parent. Parents comfort their children when they are ill or

hurt. She should be comforting you, but she's too busy being the

child herself.

> I know this is her m.o. I'm playing into her hand. And still, I

> can't help but feel like I'd really be the selfish, heartless, bad

> daughter if I choose me over her, if I stick to my guns. I don't

> even really know how to do that at this point. What do you say when

> nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

> you're doing the wrong thing?

We've all been there. This is a common feeling for a KO. The reason

you feel " selfish " " heartless " and " bad " for caring about yourself is

that she has taught you your whole life that SHE is the only one who

deserves to be cared for. It will take some work and some time to

undo what she taught you. The truth is, normal, healthy parents

recognize that their children are SUPPOSED to grow up, move out, and

set up their own family system. They have their own identities and

allow their children to develop theirs.

You are not doing the wrong thing. You are making a healthy decision

for yourself and for your marriage. When you feel like nothing is

getting through (boy do I understand--my mother cannot comprehend the

word " no " ), just communicate the boundary and consequences again.

I'd say something like, " Mom, I know I wrote you that we do not want

to have visitors this Christmas. Your illness does not change that.

Besides, you will probably be able to recover more quickly if you

rest at home. "

Everyone involved does better when there are clearly communicated

boundaries and consistently enforced consequences. The best way to

help your mother is to point out to show her the example of how to

take care of herself by TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF first.

[Guest guest]

PS, I forgot I was going to comment on this:

> (My husband's mother is an alcoholic.)

Has he ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting? Maybe the two of you might try

going to one together. I remember another member saying that she found

them helpful even though her parent was not an alcoholic, because we

KOs have codependency issues, too.

kt

[Guest guest]

---

She is testing you. If you don't stick with your original boundary,

you lose credibility for future efforts at boundary setting. (Just

like with children - if you tell them they don't get a toy, then buy

one at Walmart b/c they throw a fit, you've reinforced it). I

suggest you reiterate MATTER-OF-FACTLY that you and H have decided

to have no visitors for your first married Xmas (or lie and say

you're going on a cruise or something - got a great last-minute

deal). You could also suggest another time which would be more

convenient for you, such as in the spring.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " freesarah08 "

wrote:

>

> First, I'd like to say I'm so thankful to have found this group!

> I've been a member for a couple of weeks, and until today, mostly

> lurking. I appreciate all that is said here and now find myself in

> the midst of my own personal crisis and so am reaching out for

input

> from others who understand. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

>

> I am the daughter of a BP mom who is still married to my fada. I

> recently got married after 5 years of engagement. When we were

first

> engaged, we went to my parents and told them of our plans and they

> reacted horribly, with unreasonable, narcissistic demands. And

> they " love " my husband. Ridiculous. And also typical of my

> borderline family system. We chose to get married this year,

without

> our families present because that was the only way we could have a

> ceremony the way we wanted it to be without interference and drama.

> (My husband's mother is an alcoholic.)

>

> As I'm sure you can all imagine the initial conversation with my

> nada letting her know about our marriage was difficult and painful.

> I set some limits and ended the conversation quickly. Then we

didn't

> speak for about 3 weeks, when she started sending emails and

leaving

> voicemails like nothing had transpired. She's thrilled to be coming

> to visit us (even though she has never really been invited) for the

> holidays.

>

> After much deliberation and struggling with my guilty feelings, I

> sent her an email and told her that we were not up for guests over

> the holidays. Her voicemails became more and more frantic, with the

> most recent one saying she's going into the hospital tomorrow.

>

> I broke down and called her to find out what's going on. She's

> having a procedure to remove a tumor on her esophagus. And she

can't

> wait to get here because she and my fada " just need a hug, " since

> they're going through such difficult times now.

>

> I know this is her m.o. I'm playing into her hand. And still, I

> can't help but feel like I'd really be the selfish, heartless, bad

> daughter if I choose me over her, if I stick to my guns. I don't

> even really know how to do that at this point. What do you say when

> nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

> you're doing the wrong thing?

>

> Thanks again for all of the love and the support cycling through

> this community. I finally feel like I'm not so alone in all of this.

>

[Guest guest]

hello,

I am going back to .. after 12 years. I'm going to see my sisters and their kids

for the first time in 12 years. My nada is going to do her subtle best to come

out on top, (I already imagine her comments about my gifts) Can anybody help

with coping ideas for a high fonctioning BPD nada with very strong NPD traits? I

so would like that it goes peacefully but this is a Christmas futile wish so

says I.

I realise that my message isn't very agressive but I'm working on not entering

her game but after a couple of days I'm exhausted, it takes so much effort not

to fall into the preconceived role of a predetermined child.

I wish you all the best end to 2008, health, courage and the secret wishes of

your heartt

Love

TC

[Guest guest]

This intense need for validation- and choosing her is such a bp

mother. This is so my mother. Nothing gets through, my daughter and

I always say why bother because they never get it.

Remember this- you can give in and do it. Your choice, and

everything will be ok- until her next need for validation. It is

like she is addicted to her feelings and wants. If you are true to

you- she will want to make you feel selfish- but really it is just

called having a life. SOmething they never get in their world- it is

so black and white.

Good luck!

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " freesarah08 "

wrote:

>

> First, I'd like to say I'm so thankful to have found this group!

> I've been a member for a couple of weeks, and until today, mostly

> lurking. I appreciate all that is said here and now find myself in

> the midst of my own personal crisis and so am reaching out for

input

> from others who understand. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

>

> I am the daughter of a BP mom who is still married to my fada. I

> recently got married after 5 years of engagement. When we were

first

> engaged, we went to my parents and told them of our plans and they

> reacted horribly, with unreasonable, narcissistic demands. And

> they " love " my husband. Ridiculous. And also typical of my

> borderline family system. We chose to get married this year,

without

> our families present because that was the only way we could have a

> ceremony the way we wanted it to be without interference and

drama.

> (My husband's mother is an alcoholic.)

>

> As I'm sure you can all imagine the initial conversation with my

> nada letting her know about our marriage was difficult and

painful.

> I set some limits and ended the conversation quickly. Then we

didn't

> speak for about 3 weeks, when she started sending emails and

leaving

> voicemails like nothing had transpired. She's thrilled to be

coming

> to visit us (even though she has never really been invited) for

the

> holidays.

>

> After much deliberation and struggling with my guilty feelings, I

> sent her an email and told her that we were not up for guests over

> the holidays. Her voicemails became more and more frantic, with

the

> most recent one saying she's going into the hospital tomorrow.

>

> I broke down and called her to find out what's going on. She's

> having a procedure to remove a tumor on her esophagus. And she

can't

> wait to get here because she and my fada " just need a hug, " since

> they're going through such difficult times now.

>

> I know this is her m.o. I'm playing into her hand. And still, I

> can't help but feel like I'd really be the selfish, heartless, bad

> daughter if I choose me over her, if I stick to my guns. I don't

> even really know how to do that at this point. What do you say

when

> nothing will get through and when everything makes you feel like

> you're doing the wrong thing?

>

> Thanks again for all of the love and the support cycling through

> this community. I finally feel like I'm not so alone in all of

this.

>