Re: new here- holiday/general advice

[Guest guest]

gah... i got stressed out just reading this. a few of us on the

board were directly affected by ike (i was and i know kylaboo was),

and that was stressful enough without dealing with an insane mom.

don't give in. you're doing the right thing for your kids.

bink

>

> I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly by my

> mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

>

> As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced when

> I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically abandoned

> me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my children. Now

> i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

>

> She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the center

> of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional void. She

> also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids suitcases if

> we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so that I

> will have to be the bad guy.

>

> We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks, and

> things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have to be

> enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very important to

> stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> just 'let her love them'.

>

> Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk food,

> so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait till

> I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that food, or

> i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner without

> telling me, ect).

>

> After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> stalking.

>

> I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead grandmother as

> proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+ phone

> calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> to put them in the middle.

>

> I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a string

> of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the kids

> presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> possibility. More hysterics.

>

> i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

>

> I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is like.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. It's good to have people that understand. My husband is generally

supportive, but it's hard to explain to him that things that seem so

innocent on the surface, are NOT. Sometimes he just doesn't get why I don't

call her back so she will stop calling, or doesn't see the undertone of her

emails. Of course, she saves he best tirades for when he is not around.

On Sun, Dec 14, 2008 at 5:10 PM, bink1227 wrote:

> gah... i got stressed out just reading this. a few of us on the

> board were directly affected by ike (i was and i know kylaboo was),

> and that was stressful enough without dealing with an insane mom.

>

> don't give in. you're doing the right thing for your kids.

>

> bink

>

>

> >

> > I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> > trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly by my

> > mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> > Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

> >

> > As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced when

> > I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically abandoned

> > me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my children. Now

> > i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

> >

> > She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the center

> > of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional void. She

> > also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> > tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> > mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids suitcases if

> > we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so that I

> > will have to be the bad guy.

> >

> > We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks, and

> > things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> > vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have to be

> > enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> > (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very important to

> > stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> > just 'let her love them'.

> >

> > Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk food,

> > so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait till

> > I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that food, or

> > i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner without

> > telling me, ect).

> >

> > After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> > stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> > calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> > were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> > her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> > boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> > behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> > stalking.

> >

> > I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead grandmother as

> > proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+ phone

> > calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> > husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> > trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> > to put them in the middle.

> >

> > I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a string

> > of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> > have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> > told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the kids

> > presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> > the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> > possibility. More hysterics.

> >

> > i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> > to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> > dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> > and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

> >

> > I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is like.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

--

[Guest guest]

It is really hard to explain this stuff to someone who hasn't lived

with it. To an outsider it sounds like " So..the problem is your mom

loves her grand kids and wants to give them presents? "

And really you know it's really something much darker. My husband, a

sweet guy who loves me dearly, honestly thought I was " too hard " on

and " unforgiving " towards my BPD bro until he saw 200+ pieces of crazy

hate mail from him. And then he was like " My God, this man has to be

OUT OF OUR LIVES completely " and was amazed at my years of

forbearance. (we are NC now, for ever)

It sounds like you have a good grip on it, on understanding her

behavior and what it really means, and on the importance of protecting

your kids. Bravo!

It sounds like you raised yourself (from 15 on) to be a really good

mom. Your kids are lucky.

Set your limits and stick with them, and good luck.

Letty

> > >

> > > I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> > > trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly

by my

> > > mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> > > Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

> > >

> > > As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced

when

> > > I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically

abandoned

> > > me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my

children. Now

> > > i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

> > >

> > > She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the

center

> > > of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional

void. She

> > > also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> > > tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> > > mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids

suitcases if

> > > we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so

that I

> > > will have to be the bad guy.

> > >

> > > We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two

weeks, and

> > > things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> > > vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have

to be

> > > enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> > > (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very

important to

> > > stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> > > just 'let her love them'.

> > >

> > > Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk

food,

> > > so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait

till

> > > I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that

food, or

> > > i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner

without

> > > telling me, ect).

> > >

> > > After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> > > stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> > > calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> > > were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> > > her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> > > boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> > > behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> > > stalking.

> > >

> > > I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead

grandmother as

> > > proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+

phone

> > > calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> > > husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> > > trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> > > to put them in the middle.

> > >

> > > I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a

string

> > > of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> > > have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> > > told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the

kids

> > > presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> > > the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> > > possibility. More hysterics.

> > >

> > > i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> > > to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> > > dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> > > and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

> > >

> > > I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is

like.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

> --

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

heather, I don't have any words of wisdom to share but really understand

what you are going through as I am in the throes of pretty much everything

you describe and the worst thing for me is trying to deal with the issue

in relation to my kids (2 and 4). I'll be interested in others' advice

because this is all pretty new to me (only realised about 6 weeks ago that

there was a name for my mother's behaviour!).

> I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly by my

> mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

>

> As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced when

> I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically abandoned

> me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my children. Now

> i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

>

> She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the center

> of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional void. She

> also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids suitcases if

> we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so that I

> will have to be the bad guy.

>

> We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks, and

> things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have to be

> enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very important to

> stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> just 'let her love them'.

>

> Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk food,

> so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait till

> I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that food, or

> i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner without

> telling me, ect).

>

> After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> stalking.

>

> I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead grandmother as

> proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+ phone

> calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> to put them in the middle.

>

> I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a string

> of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the kids

> presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> possibility. More hysterics.

>

> i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

>

> I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is like.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Ive been looking at ways of setting boundaries - direct and indirect

and wondering how people have fared.

You mention you were direct saying your needs and your nadas

behaviour escalated. I had that with my npdfather. Nada is 'trying'

and apologising when she slips up, but then doing the same thing

again the next day.

I was just wondering if maybe I need to just say 'that's enough' and

mean it now. Before NC to give them a chance to 'reform' with regard

to their behaviour towards me.

Ive never said 'thats enough', I used to just run away and didnt know

what was going on.

Im wondering if anyone has ever done that - and meant it and what

happened

Grace

>

> heather, I don't have any words of wisdom to share but really

understand

> what you are going through as I am in the throes of pretty much

everything

> you describe and the worst thing for me is trying to deal with the

issue

> in relation to my kids (2 and 4). I'll be interested in others'

advice

> because this is all pretty new to me (only realised about 6 weeks

ago that

> there was a name for my mother's behaviour!).

>

>

> > I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> > trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly

by my

> > mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> > Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

> >

> > As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced

when

> > I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically

abandoned

> > me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my

children. Now

> > i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

> >

> > She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the

center

> > of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional

void. She

> > also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried

and

> > tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in

the

> > mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids

suitcases if

> > we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so

that I

> > will have to be the bad guy.

> >

> > We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks,

and

> > things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was

not a

> > vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have

to be

> > enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> > (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very

important to

> > stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> > just 'let her love them'.

> >

> > Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk

food,

> > so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait

till

> > I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that

food, or

> > i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner

without

> > telling me, ect).

> >

> > After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile.

I

> > stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> > calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the

conversation

> > were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I

sent

> > her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> > boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> > behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> > stalking.

> >

> > I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead

grandmother as

> > proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+

phone

> > calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> > husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home

repeatedly

> > trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't

want

> > to put them in the middle.

> >

> > I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a

string

> > of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though

i

> > have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then

she

> > told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the

kids

> > presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home

for

> > the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was

not a

> > possibility. More hysterics.

> >

> > i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to

explain

> > to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi.

I

> > dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of

year

> > and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

> >

> > I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is

like.

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you haven't already, I'd recommend checking out " Emotional

Blackmail " by Forward. She gives actual tips on dealing with

that type of stuff. I read the book up until that section (how to

deal), then I stopped reading because I was NC, and tired of trying.

Of course, she will tell you that their behavior WILL escalate when

you set a boundary.

-Deanna

> >

> > heather, I don't have any words of wisdom to share but really

> understand

> > what you are going through as I am in the throes of pretty much

> everything

> > you describe and the worst thing for me is trying to deal with the

> issue

> > in relation to my kids (2 and 4). I'll be interested in others'

> advice

> > because this is all pretty new to me (only realised about 6 weeks

> ago that

> > there was a name for my mother's behaviour!).

> >

> >

> > > I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> > > trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly

> by my

> > > mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> > > Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

> > >

> > > As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced

> when

> > > I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically

> abandoned

> > > me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my

> children. Now

> > > i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

> > >

> > > She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the

> center

> > > of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional

> void. She

> > > also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried

> and

> > > tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in

> the

> > > mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids

> suitcases if

> > > we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so

> that I

> > > will have to be the bad guy.

> > >

> > > We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks,

> and

> > > things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was

> not a

> > > vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have

> to be

> > > enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> > > (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very

> important to

> > > stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> > > just 'let her love them'.

> > >

> > > Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk

> food,

> > > so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait

> till

> > > I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that

> food, or

> > > i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner

> without

> > > telling me, ect).

> > >

> > > After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile.

> I

> > > stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> > > calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the

> conversation

> > > were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I

> sent

> > > her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> > > boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> > > behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> > > stalking.

> > >

> > > I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead

> grandmother as

> > > proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+

> phone

> > > calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> > > husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home

> repeatedly

> > > trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't

> want

> > > to put them in the middle.

> > >

> > > I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a

> string

> > > of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though

> i

> > > have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then

> she

> > > told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the

> kids

> > > presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home

> for

> > > the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was

> not a

> > > possibility. More hysterics.

> > >

> > > i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to

> explain

> > > to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi.

> I

> > > dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of

> year

> > > and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

> > >

> > > I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is

> like.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I can totally see my mom doing these things, and the holidays

are super hard. Last Thanksgiving, my mom was supposed to come to my

house for a big family Thanksgiving. We were doing all the cooking

and I invited everyone at 11:00. She called the day before and

announced that she was coming at 8 a.m. and I needed to make sure I

made a special meal for my brother too (she lets him only eat pizza.)

I told her no way. I just had a baby, was breastfeeding and did not

have the energy to add the extra hours of cleaning up after everyone

(they don't lift a finger to help ever and are very sloppy.) Well,

the next day she dropped off my step-dad and one brother at 8 a.m.,

then left. They were both crying she had said such awful things to

them, and they were convinced it was my fault. I didn't even ask how

that was possible... We wondered all day where she was, if she and my

other brother were ok, etc. We found out she had left town with him

(back to her home) and abandoned her husband and son at my house.

I only have one daughter, who is one-yr-old now, and I've had very

limited contact with my mom this year. The way she treats me is bad

enough, but protecting my daughter is part of the reason too. I can

imagine her doing all the things you describe. Even with my dog my

mom was overindulgent to the point of hurting her. She would give her

chocolate because she doesn't " believe " it's bad for dogs, etc. She

also doesn't " believe " my husband is allergic to cats, and let her

cat into my house after we went to bed, even though I specifically

asked her not to. The cat would have been fine on the screened patio

in the summer, but she couldn't stand it. The cat was more important

that the people. Like your mom, she heaps gifts she can't afford and

then uses it to guilt me into letting her back into my life after

treating me horribly.

Sometimes I think the intentions are good, but she is so warped I

can't trust her and don't want my daughter hurt, confused and filled

with guilt. I am not officially no contact, but I am very close and

protecting my daughter is a big reason.

>

> I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly by

my

> mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

>

> As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced

when

> I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically

abandoned

> me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my children.

Now

> i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

>

> She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the

center

> of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional void.

She

> also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids suitcases

if

> we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so

that I

> will have to be the bad guy.

>

> We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks,

and

> things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have to

be

> enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very important

to

> stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> just 'let her love them'.

>

> Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk

food,

> so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait

till

> I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that food,

or

> i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner

without

> telling me, ect).

>

> After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> stalking.

>

> I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead grandmother

as

> proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+

phone

> calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> to put them in the middle.

>

> I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a

string

> of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the

kids

> presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> possibility. More hysterics.

>

> i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

>

> I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is

like.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

(and other KOs),

I haven't posted in a long while, but I'm a little bit on the other

side. I don't believe giving advice helps as much as sharing our

stories of what works and what hasn't worked for us as individual

KOs. We're all different and share similar backgrounds and we all

have different Nadas but who share the same mental illness. Some are

higher functioning Borderlines than others. My nada has always been a

fairly high functioning Borderline though she's unraveled a bit as

she's aging.

I too live in the Gulf area. We did not evacuate Ike but weathered

the 80+mph sustained winds and gusts up to 112mph. But we also spent

30 hours in a car evacuating Hurricane Rita w/a child that turned 2

the day Rita struck as well as a 5 month old second child. The

evacuation and subsequent hurricane of my nada around her family in

TN was much worse than staying and dealing w/the aftermath of no

electricity and such- very little damage to our property...not sure

where you live.

I learned a valuable lesson from Nature/God's hurricanes vs the

family/man made hurricanes. I realized that I would never have to

learn that lesson again. Enough was enough for me and that for the

sake of my growing family, I had to put serious boundaries down w/my

nada and deal w/all the reprocutions. Three years the other side of

Rita, life still throws curve balls, but nothing like life in the

middle of BP insanity.

I cut my nada off after Hurricane Rita and the Christmas that

followed where she sent crazy gifts. We'd started the year before,

2004, of not traveling to Florida to visit nada and the rest of the

family. After I cut nada off in 2005/2006, she quickly transferred

her rage onto her live in fiance and he was dead from suicide w/in

three months. That was enough for me to realize I had no business in

her life. The tragedies and drama that confound her are a lot of her

own making these days. She can't go back to her childhood and undo

the horrors she lived through but at the same time, unless she's

willing to get honest, and she's not, then the best thing for me to

do is to stear clear.

My nada got cancer by the end of 2006 and I still refused to be there

for her. I spoke to her maybe three times that year if that and one

was a fluke. I needed to put my boundaries down and stick to them. No

more of the intermittent reinforcement of simply telling her what I

needed and wanted, but I had to give consequences to her behavior the

same as I would w/my children. What parent would simply say what the

kid needs to do and then never follow through w/praise or even

punishment when necessary and expect their kid to turn out as a

productive member of society- well adjusted and able to be an adult

one day on their own? No, I learned how to parent by not fearing

being the Ahole any longer in my family. I got to know the Ahole w/in

me. My nada did a fantastic job of painting me as the uncaring Ahole

daughter who wasn't there for her while she was dieing of cancer. She

didn't die. It's in remission and she finished the last of her chemo

this past October. The whole family and even my inlaws were pissed

off at me for being so 'cold' and callous to my mother. Oh well. I

don't answer to them. I answer to a higher power and my primary

vocation now days is NOT my mother's daughter, but my children's

mother and my husband's wife. If there's a conflict of interest, then

I side w/the primary duties I have as wife and mother. There was a

conflict of interest and where is there not conflict when a

Borderline is present?

In the end, I've dealt w/the smear campaigns and this past year my

grandfather got two super bugs from a hospital and my aunt, nada's

sister, had to go up to TN to take care of him. She has seen for the

first time in her life just how bad off my nada is in the head. It's

validating but past the point of me needing even my aunt's

validation. I live w/the decisions I've made for my life and I know

me even if they don't. I've told my aunt that I can not possibly deal

w/another apology from her, but that she can do herself a favor and

read up on BPD and understand what mental illness is.

I just went up to TN for Thanksgiving and to celebrate my

grandfather's 90th b-day. Nada was a peach to me. I can't complain at

all. I'm so distant anymore and she's on such good behavior w/me,

that I honestly can't say too much bad about her. That's not to say

she's healed. No, she still pulled crap w/my aunt and w/my brother,

but that is for them to deal with and not my business for the simple

fact they choose to not educate themselves. And boy was nada really

screwy to my brother and aunt. And believe me, everyone saw how

little she cares for my grandfather w/the invitations she sent out

(the only thing she did for the party- the invites- as she's still

suffering from cancer in her words---not that I downplay cancer, but

she rarely even calls him once a week and I understand. He's part and

parcel the reason behind her mental illness though he's somewhat more

tolerable w/age...at least to me now that he knows I don't much care

what he or anyone else thinks of me).

It hurts. There's no other way to put it. It hurts laying down

boundaries. It hurts that they paint us to be bad people. It hurts

having to look within myself and see my true evil and know that while

it is there and it exists, it is hardly the totality my mentally ill

mother would like to paint. It hurts to be painted this color of

yellow by the rest of the family. But alas, the hurt is hardly as

hurtful this side of boundaries than the anxiety and even paranoia I

constantly felt when my nada was more active in my life.

I'm under no illusions any longer that I have a mother. I don't.

Realizing that helps me to understand that she was never a good

paradigm for motherhood and I'm free to write my own script. I

grieve what will never be, but I do not miss the insanity of when I'd

lie to myself and tell myself she'll get better and maybe it is me

and not her. I know who I am and I know who I am not. I told her

when she went off last spring of 2007 that I'm doing the best I can.

If my best isn't good enough for you, then I'm sorry. I had to keep

repeating that to her as she never wanted to hear it and it was like

no one had ever said that before to her. She's since used it w/my

grandfather's condition and while I agree that she probably could

call him more often, I also get why she doesn't. He was always a

bigger terd to her than my aunt. She doesn't have to call him or

anything else for that matter in my book. She has to do her best and

that's good enough. She never is as nice around them in TN as she is

w/me and my family solo, but there was a time when she was bad then

as well.

They are mentally ill. Intermittant reinforcement is the worst kind

of reinforcement w/someone who has a problem w/boundaries. I had to

eventually get to a place inside my head and heart where I said to

myself 'she's crazy. She's not going to get better. For me to keep

expecting her to get better w/any words I throw at her is kind of

crazy on my part. I'm crazy for expecting different results when we

keep going over the same ground again and again. I don't want to be

crazy and so I have to try something new.'

I'm distant at best. I do send pix of the grandchildren via email. I

will call occassionally, but I'm not her human enima like my brother.

She's a little intimidated by me and at the same time admires me for

going a different road. I did not cut her out of my life from malice

but out of a desire to be healthy and I was sick when I was around

her. Sick people have a way of doing that- spreading the germs. And

so I isolated the sick person and started severing limbs left and

right in my family tree. Now that the tree has been pruned

sufficiently, I am at least more functional around them. My brother

will learn in his own time. He has his first child due in the

springtime. He will have to learn his life lessons on his own time.

My aunt, at the age of 57, is finally waking up to a lot of things

and I'm realizing that by me standing in the way and letting nada

keep using me as a punching bag, I've deprived others of their

necessary crosses in life...their growing pains. My role in the

family isn't the same and I let go so that I could be better for me

and for the future generations.

But it isn't easy. I would never go back and do what I had to do

again for fun. I'm not a masochist. It was one of the hardest things

in my life- to cut her off and deal w/the fall out afterwards. It's

still not easy being around her, but I don't fear her anymore. I feel

very sorry for her. I'm not close enough to her to fear her anymore.

She has little hold over my heartstrings though she's got plenty of

my prayers and sympathy for how warped she is. I think her inside is

like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I had to hope in her for my own

hope, but then I had to drop her when I realized we made different

choices for our lives.

Best wishes to you. There is hope. There is always hope or else you

wouldn't be here and you certainly wouldn't be sane enough to reach

out for help. You have much to be proud of that you've already

accomplished. You've not only weathered Ike, but your nada.

Kerrie

>

> I'm a 28 year old daughter of a mother with BPD. I was in therapy

> trying to deal with the general stress in my life caused mostly by

my

> mother, and my therapist handed me the book Dealing with your

> Borderline Mother and all of the pieces fell into place.

>

> As a kid I was the all good child, until my parents got divorced

when

> I was about 15. By the time I left for college she basically

abandoned

> me (I went to school out of state) until the birth of my children.

Now

> i'm the all bad one for attempting to set limits.

>

> She has really, really latched on to my kids, and made them the

center

> of her universe, and wants to use them to fill her emotional void.

She

> also has a big problem with spending and 'things'. I have tried and

> tried to set limits with this, but she will still send things in the

> mail (I donate to goodwill) or sneak things into the kids suitcases

if

> we are visiting, or give them to the kids when I'm not there so

that I

> will have to be the bad guy.

>

> We had to stay with her during hurricane Ike for about two weeks,

and

> things really came to a head. I explained to her that this was not a

> vacation, and that our family rules for the children would have to

be

> enforced during our stay. No gifts, no junk food, no special meals

> (our son was a preemie and has feeding issues, it is very important

to

> stay consistent with him). She went ballistic about how I wouldn't

> just 'let her love them'.

>

> Then she started refusing to cook as an excuse to give them junk

food,

> so I started cooking meals. She then sabotaged those (would wait

till

> I was done cooking and tell how her husband couldn't eat that food,

or

> i didn't make enough, because she had invited people to dinner

without

> telling me, ect).

>

> After this horrible visit, I tried to cut off contact for awhile. I

> stopped sending her pictures of the kids, stopped returning phone

> calls or letting her speak to the children (all of the conversation

> were about what toys they wanted), would not reply to emails. I sent

> her a very direct email explaining that i needed her to respect my

> boundaries and that she was damaging our relationship by this

> behavior. I got three days of silence followed by more phone call

> stalking.

>

> I started getting several emails a day evoking my dead grandmother

as

> proof that 'someday i would understand a mother's love', and 6+

phone

> calls a day. If I would not answer my phone she would call my

> husbands. On Thanksgiving day, she called my inlaws home repeatedly

> trying to reach me there. It was horribly embarrassing. I don't want

> to put them in the middle.

>

> I told her that we would not be coming for Christmas, and got a

string

> of nasty emails about how much she has 'done for me', even though i

> have asked her repeatedly NOT to 'do for me' and the kids. Then she

> told me (didn't ask) how she was coming to my house to bring the

kids

> presents the next week, and that they could just come to my home for

> the holiday and i could cook for everyone. i told her this was not a

> possibility. More hysterics.

>

> i feel emotionally exhausted and trapped. i am struggling to explain

> to my five and three year olds why we can't go to see their Mimi. I

> dread the holidays because she always ups her game this time of year

> and makes it a big ball of stress for me.

>

> I'm looking forward to having people who understand what this is

like.

>

>

>