apology?

[Guest guest]

Those who have read my previous posts know a bit of my story, but

long story short my nada recently did something really awful to me,

and now a month later she has sent me an apology in the mail.

Am I being difficult or does a month-old apology seem a little

insincere? Maybe it was the tone of the letter too - very rehearsed.

I asked my husband to read it and he agreed (I didn't tell him how I

felt - his reaction was unprompted.)

That was a few days ago, and today she sent a Christmas card with a

check for $30. The note was an apology that it wasn't more but they

are having " a lot of finanical trouble. " Boo-hoo. Poor nada. I could

write a book about how she has dug herself into that hole.

The bottom line is I'm kind of fed up with her (ya think?). Even if

she is sorry, it doesn't mean she won't do something to hurt me again

as soon as I let her back into my life. My struggle is GUILT. With

the holiday coming up I do feel really guilty about remaining no

contact. I know it's a trap, and her letter, the card, the check is

all a passive aggressive campaign to make me feel this way, but

knowing that doesn't change the way I feel. Will I ever be able to

move on with my life without this sadness??? Right now I feel like no

matter what I do I can't win.

Can you forgive someone without telling them you forgive them? Like

can you " let it go " in your heart without sending the other person a

signal that what they did is somehow ok now? I don't want to hold

onto anger but I can't bear the thought of telling her " that's ok "

because what she has done to me is NOT ok at all.

[Guest guest]

At 07:20 PM 12/15/2008 fl0g1rl wrote:

>Those who have read my previous posts know a bit of my story,

>but

>long story short my nada recently did something really awful to

>me,

>and now a month later she has sent me an apology in the mail.

>

>Am I being difficult or does a month-old apology seem a little

>insincere?

I'd be suspicious of the apology. A sincere apology requires

feeling some kind of regret/sorrow/guilt over whatever happened.

I don't think my nada can sincerely apologize because I don't

think she is capable of feeling those things. I do believe that

she is sorry that her actions have results that *she* doesn't

like. She repeatedly tells me to tell my sister that she is

sorry. That's never going to work because neither of us believes

she is sorry for her actions. She's sorry my sister has been NC

for several years because she liked having a kid she could boss

around. Too bad. That kid grew up and isn't under her control

any more.

>The bottom line is I'm kind of fed up with her (ya think?).

>Even if she is sorry, it doesn't mean she won't do something to

>hurt me again as soon as I let her back into my life. My

>struggle is GUILT. With the holiday coming up I do feel really

>guilty about remaining no contact. I know it's a trap, and her

>letter, the card, the check is all a passive aggressive

>campaign to make me feel this way, but knowing that doesn't

>change the way I feel. Will I ever be able to move on with my

>life without this sadness??? Right now I feel like no matter

>what I do I can't win.

You have no need to feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong.

She did things to you. Why should you feel guilty about reacting

appropriately to protect yourself? She has a pattern of

repeatedly doing hurtful things to you, doesn't she? Try to step

back from the situation and think about that. Is there any good

reason that someone should knowingly allow themselves to be hurt

over and over again? Guilt of that sort is something she's

taught you to feel. Feeling sadness is more reasonable. I think

we all feel sadness that our families aren't like normal

families. It is possible to live with sadness and move on

though. It can be really hard to move on, especially at first,

but you can do it. Just keep trying to remember that she is the

one who took the actions that resulted in your lack of contact.

You weren't the one who chose to be mistreated.

>Can you forgive someone without telling them you forgive them?

>Like can you " let it go " in your heart without sending the

>other person a signal that what they did is somehow ok now? I

>don't want to hold onto anger but I can't bear the thought of

>telling her " that's ok " because what she has done to me is NOT

>ok at all.

I think you need to find a middle ground between holding onto

the anger and forgiving and saying " that's okay " to

her. Personally, I can't really forgive my nada for many of the

things she's done. She's done things that were nasty and

sometimes dangerous. It is not okay that she did those things. I

don't feel any need to hold onto anger over what is past though.

I think it is possible to let it go yourself without also

telling her " that's okay " . The way I see it, saying " that's

okay " also says it is okay for her to do the same things again

and leaves you wide open for more of her mistreatment. The whole

idea of forgiving and forgetting seems to me to not allow for

learning from your experiences. I want to remember what she's

done to the extent that I don't allow her to hurt me in the same

ways again. Holding on to the anger and other emotions isn't

necessary though. Anger tends to rot you from within if you keep

it too long. I think a large part of my nada's problem is that

she has held on to every single little thing that she thinks has

been done wrong to her since she was a child and the emotions

that go with all those things. Sixty-some years of holding

things against all her family, friends, neighbors and co-workers

has left her with a massive number of grievances. The fact that

a lot of the grievances are imagined or exagerations of what

really happened only makes it worse. The trick to coping, in my

opinion, is to hold onto enough of the bad experiences to

protect yourself without letting the emotions eat you from

within. Maybe another way of saying that is that you should let

it go in your heart but not in your mind. Does that make sense?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

A month-old apology sucks. And I bet she'll take it all back and use

it against you.

My nada never EVER apologized for ANYTHING. For years, I excelled at

avoiding conflict with her. She finally wore me down & I decided to

tackle her head-on. Big mistake! The best I got, was for HER to

accept MY apology. It took two emotionally exhausting days and she

later threw it all in my face. Apologies are not BPDs forte. It really

sucks that they can't get a handle on something so elemental.

>

> Those who have read my previous posts know a bit of my story, but

> long story short my nada recently did something really awful to me,

> and now a month later she has sent me an apology in the mail.

>

> Am I being difficult or does a month-old apology seem a little

> insincere? Maybe it was the tone of the letter too - very rehearsed.

> I asked my husband to read it and he agreed (I didn't tell him how I

> felt - his reaction was unprompted.)

>

> That was a few days ago, and today she sent a Christmas card with a

> check for $30. The note was an apology that it wasn't more but they

> are having " a lot of finanical trouble. " Boo-hoo. Poor nada. I could

> write a book about how she has dug herself into that hole.

>

> The bottom line is I'm kind of fed up with her (ya think?). Even if

> she is sorry, it doesn't mean she won't do something to hurt me again

> as soon as I let her back into my life. My struggle is GUILT. With

> the holiday coming up I do feel really guilty about remaining no

> contact. I know it's a trap, and her letter, the card, the check is

> all a passive aggressive campaign to make me feel this way, but

> knowing that doesn't change the way I feel. Will I ever be able to

> move on with my life without this sadness??? Right now I feel like no

> matter what I do I can't win.

>

> Can you forgive someone without telling them you forgive them? Like

> can you " let it go " in your heart without sending the other person a

> signal that what they did is somehow ok now? I don't want to hold

> onto anger but I can't bear the thought of telling her " that's ok "

> because what she has done to me is NOT ok at all.

>