Re: Nada learned a lesson? An update - sorry so long

[Guest guest]

That is great that you are seeing good results from maintaining strict

boundaries with your nada! The book " Walking on Eggshells " says that

bpds tend to do better when they have structure. Being our own

" policemen " , though, is hard because it really puts all the burden on

us, the KOs, to set and maintain the boundaries; the bpd's sure aren't

going to police themselves.

The last example I gave of being strict with my nada (in an earlier

post) was a nerve-shredding experience for me but it paid off in the

long run; my nada is a much more docile car passenger now when I'm

driving.

-Annie

>

>

> I was happily surprised recently when Nada came for a Thanksgiving

> visit and was what Sister and I call " on her best behavior. " She

> managed the two short plane trips to get here, then was overall

> pleasant and cooperative. My almost 7 y/o daughter and I got a motel

> room at the same motel, so we could spend time together, yet have our

> own place and be able to leave if necessary. It cost me a little $,

> but was well worth it.

>

> History: and I'm summarizing

> I'm 43, and was LC (w/o knowing there was a name for it) from 18

> until about age 37 when I adopted my daughter. From that point I saw

> my parents regularly as we all doted on my daughter. My F (passive,

> yet the nurturer and caregiver for sister and me) began to have

> health serious health problems (kidney failure), and sis and I moved

> 1 1/2 hours from them so we could visit regularly for the last year

> of his life, until his death in Jan 07. Her behavior escalated

> throughout his illness, and she was hostile and smeared my sister and

> me to everyone, while splitting my younger 28 y/o cousin all white.

> We had to call Adult Protective Services due to concerns about her

> not being able to care for my F at home. She instigated a huge Jerry

> Springer drama at the hospice house where my F spent the last 2 weeks

> of his life. The funeral was a nightmare, with sister and I asking

> the police to drive around the block, as we feared cousin's H might

> try to assault us. He had already made racial slurs about my

> daughter. It was a nightmare.

>

> (Although, in the midst of that, I was able to focus on my F and

> spent quality time with him at the hospice house as he died.)

>

> 2 months after my F's death, we moved 8 hours away from Nada, to get

> away from her and to a better location. She became even more

> anorexic and hermit-waif-like, isolating herself and sleeping a lot.

> I felt enormous guilt at moving far from her and not " taking care of

> her " , although I knew what I had to do. Almost one year ago, on Dec.

> 31, we visited and she verbally attacked me. I defended myself and

> argued with her. I decided I was done. I went extremely LC after

> that, refusing to take phone calls and finally convincing my sister

> to not participate in triangulation by passing on the nasty things

> she said about me. I refused to visit, and told her she could fly

> down to visit us if she wanted. She came in May for my daughter's

> dancing recital, looking skeletal, and complaining the whole time.

>

> When she called and said she wanted to come for Thanksgiving, I was

> not happy, but agreeable. I was not expecting her to be on her best

> behavior. She arrived looking better, having gained about 10 lbs,

> and as I said before, was overall pleasant and cooperative. I kept

> the conversations pretty much superficial, of course. Then, about a

> week ago, my sister told her (for some good reason which I can't

> remember) that I was planning to take my daughter to visit friends

> for Xmas, and was shocked to get an understanding response from her.

>

> I am planning to remain LC, and will not get my hopes up, but it

> seems like maybe she has learned a lesson from my severe limits.

> Also, it has been almost 2 years since my F's death, so I think the

> statute of sympathy has about run out on that one. Don't get me

> wrong, I'm not saying she acted motherly or anything, but she

> has " survived " without my F the caregiver, and she has managed air

> travel by herself twice - both of which I would have thought

> miraculous.

>

> Joanna

>