Nada learned a lesson? An update - sorry so long

[Guest guest]

I was happily surprised recently when Nada came for a Thanksgiving

visit and was what Sister and I call " on her best behavior. " She

managed the two short plane trips to get here, then was overall

pleasant and cooperative. My almost 7 y/o daughter and I got a motel

room at the same motel, so we could spend time together, yet have our

own place and be able to leave if necessary. It cost me a little $,

but was well worth it.

History: and I'm summarizing

I'm 43, and was LC (w/o knowing there was a name for it) from 18

until about age 37 when I adopted my daughter. From that point I saw

my parents regularly as we all doted on my daughter. My F (passive,

yet the nurturer and caregiver for sister and me) began to have

health serious health problems (kidney failure), and sis and I moved

1 1/2 hours from them so we could visit regularly for the last year

of his life, until his death in Jan 07. Her behavior escalated

throughout his illness, and she was hostile and smeared my sister and

me to everyone, while splitting my younger 28 y/o cousin all white.

We had to call Adult Protective Services due to concerns about her

not being able to care for my F at home. She instigated a huge Jerry

Springer drama at the hospice house where my F spent the last 2 weeks

of his life. The funeral was a nightmare, with sister and I asking

the police to drive around the block, as we feared cousin's H might

try to assault us. He had already made racial slurs about my

daughter. It was a nightmare.

(Although, in the midst of that, I was able to focus on my F and

spent quality time with him at the hospice house as he died.)

2 months after my F's death, we moved 8 hours away from Nada, to get

away from her and to a better location. She became even more

anorexic and hermit-waif-like, isolating herself and sleeping a lot.

I felt enormous guilt at moving far from her and not " taking care of

her " , although I knew what I had to do. Almost one year ago, on Dec.

31, we visited and she verbally attacked me. I defended myself and

argued with her. I decided I was done. I went extremely LC after

that, refusing to take phone calls and finally convincing my sister

to not participate in triangulation by passing on the nasty things

she said about me. I refused to visit, and told her she could fly

down to visit us if she wanted. She came in May for my daughter's

dancing recital, looking skeletal, and complaining the whole time.

When she called and said she wanted to come for Thanksgiving, I was

not happy, but agreeable. I was not expecting her to be on her best

behavior. She arrived looking better, having gained about 10 lbs,

and as I said before, was overall pleasant and cooperative. I kept

the conversations pretty much superficial, of course. Then, about a

week ago, my sister told her (for some good reason which I can't

remember) that I was planning to take my daughter to visit friends

for Xmas, and was shocked to get an understanding response from her.

I am planning to remain LC, and will not get my hopes up, but it

seems like maybe she has learned a lesson from my severe limits.

Also, it has been almost 2 years since my F's death, so I think the

statute of sympathy has about run out on that one. Don't get me

wrong, I'm not saying she acted motherly or anything, but she

has " survived " without my F the caregiver, and she has managed air

travel by herself twice - both of which I would have thought

miraculous.

Joanna