Nada in poor health

December 20, 2008

Anyone go thru having their Nada elderly and poor health yet? My Nada has had 2

ministrokes and 1 full-blown stroke (CVA or cerebrovascular accident) - all

since the end of June 2008. She will be 77 next month. My brother and sister

and I have all had memories of bad things that happened in our childhoods with

Nada coming back to us. It is difficult to wrestle with those angry feelings of

things from the past while she is laying in a hospital bed not doing well. Very

difficult.

_________________________________________________________________

It’s the same Hotmail®. If by “same” you mean up to 70% faster.

http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_12200\

8

December 21, 2008

Yes, it's a very hard thing - sorry you are at this stage of things.

For me the heart of the matter is that once a nada enters the stage

of legitimately (in society's eyes) requiring sympathy and extra

efforts from her adult children we are already drained dry. Maybe

having fought for years to create boundaries and separate lives, and

now....all the sudden expected to draw back close, to help, to care,

to love, to *sacrifice* after all that has happened that cannot be

undone. It is salt in the wound to say the least. I don't know the

particulars of your situation but I'd say be kind to yourself and try

to get as much validation as you can. It's hard to make choices that

feel right in these situation...just my own experience. Each

situation is unique, so I'd say try to imagine talking to your future

self ten years from now to see what may sit best with you today.

>

> Anyone go thru having their Nada elderly and poor health yet? My

Nada has had 2 ministrokes and 1 full-blown stroke (CVA or

cerebrovascular accident) - all since the end of June 2008. She will

be 77 next month. My brother and sister and I have all had memories

of bad things that happened in our childhoods with Nada coming back

to us. It is difficult to wrestle with those angry feelings of

things from the past while she is laying in a hospital bed not doing

well. Very difficult.

> _________________________________________________________________

> It's the same Hotmail®. If by " same " you mean up to 70% faster.

> http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?

ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_122008

>

December 21, 2008

yes, as i've posted on this site a few times recently - my mum took

an overdose about 6 weeks ago. She got admitted to a psychiatric

ward, but has collapsed twice - they don't know why. She got taken

to resus twice and stayed in the general hospital. Now she's back on

the psychi ward. She only weighs 6 st 11 oz and has lost a stone in

weight. She has pressure sores and is very weak. She was 80 a month

ago. Like you, I'm struggling. I went nc for 2 years and it was

great. Since visiting her, she keeps punishing me for going nc.

Every time i tell her i love her she says " no you don't i didn't see

you for 2 years " . She " forgets " this was because she kept being

nasty. Now i feel like i'm back to square one.

Jeanie

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " climberkayak "

wrote:

>

> Yes, it's a very hard thing - sorry you are at this stage of

things.

> For me the heart of the matter is that once a nada enters the stage

> of legitimately (in society's eyes) requiring sympathy and extra

> efforts from her adult children we are already drained dry. Maybe

> having fought for years to create boundaries and separate lives,

and

> now....all the sudden expected to draw back close, to help, to

care,

> to love, to *sacrifice* after all that has happened that cannot be

> undone. It is salt in the wound to say the least. I don't know

the

> particulars of your situation but I'd say be kind to yourself and

try

> to get as much validation as you can. It's hard to make choices

that

> feel right in these situation...just my own experience. Each

> situation is unique, so I'd say try to imagine talking to your

future

> self ten years from now to see what may sit best with you today.

>

> >

> > Anyone go thru having their Nada elderly and poor health yet? My

> Nada has had 2 ministrokes and 1 full-blown stroke (CVA or

> cerebrovascular accident) - all since the end of June 2008. She

will

> be 77 next month. My brother and sister and I have all had

memories

> of bad things that happened in our childhoods with Nada coming back

> to us. It is difficult to wrestle with those angry feelings of

> things from the past while she is laying in a hospital bed not

doing

> well. Very difficult.

> > _________________________________________________________________

> > It's the same Hotmail®. If by " same " you mean up to 70% faster.

> > http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?

> ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_122008

> >

December 21, 2008

I think you are describing the situation that's going to descend

Sister and me before too long. Our nada is currently OK but she has a

chronic health condition that can only deteriorate. I'm afraid we're

in for the same abusive hospital visits and vitriolic accusations that

you are enduring right now.

All I can think of to say is that there has to be a special place in

heaven for us KOs who manage to show even the slightest bit of

compassion for our mentally ill, hateful, abusive parents when they

are dying.

My wishes and prayers go out to you for strength and endurance.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Anyone go thru having their Nada elderly and poor health yet? My

> > Nada has had 2 ministrokes and 1 full-blown stroke (CVA or

> > cerebrovascular accident) - all since the end of June 2008. She

> will

> > be 77 next month. My brother and sister and I have all had

> memories

> > of bad things that happened in our childhoods with Nada coming back

> > to us. It is difficult to wrestle with those angry feelings of

> > things from the past while she is laying in a hospital bed not

> doing

> > well. Very difficult.

> > > _________________________________________________________________

> > > It's the same Hotmail®. If by " same " you mean up to 70% faster.

> > > http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?

> > ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_122008

> > >

December 21, 2008

Hi Jeanie, julie & ,

What you all wrote really hit me as I also am dealing with an aging nada (85

years but really in better physical health than my brother and me. She is also

very aware of EVERYTHING, doesn't miss a trick, very alert and can remember

every single " wrong " thing I ,my father, her sister, other family members or her

friends ever did). Since she had always lived about 2 hours from me I had my

own life to an extent although the emeshment was still suffocating. She moved

nearer to me 7 years ago. Since then I feel I have no life even though we live

20 minutes away from each other. The calls at work, me phoning her every day

after work for the past 6 1/2 years, nervous if I got home late and didn't call

as I would have to deal with her frantic panicky telephone messages, and

basically " in my face " constantly. In the beginning I felt a call a day to

check in kept her from feeling alone and isolated. However, those calls were

never a 5-10 minute chat-they

would be 45 minutes to an hour. I would also try to stop by one day after work

during the week if I saw her on my day off or 2 days a week after work if I

didn't spend my day off with her. It has been difficult for me since I had lived

2 hours away since my early twenties and at least I had a little bit of a life

that she wasn't totally involved in. She doesn't leave her apartment, hardly

speaks to anyone and has a zillion excuses for every suggestion I make-re:senior

centers, etc. I knew a woman who lived in her apartment complex, maybe 10 years

younger than my nada whom I introduced her to through another friend. My nada

didn't like the way she dressed, would often say she's not like the people Ishe

knew from home and basically ignored her and gave her the cold shoulder every

time we went out for dinner with my friends. I included my nada because she

likes these two friends and it was a chance for her to get out. It is the only

social thing I

did-maybe meet once a month for dinner and I included my nada. Then she got

hooked up with the same mental health system I have been involved in and saw the

same nurse practioner for medication that I had been seeing. Suddenly she was a

part of everything in my life and I initiated it. I was still living with the

delusion that I had a " normal " mother and in denial about the " other " mother

(that I kept secret all my life). I thought maybe it could be nice having her

living closer to me, having a pal to go out with, etc.. since I don't really

have friends and tend to isolate myself from people. I thought I could get my

nada out and it would push me to go out. Silly me! The 2 friends of mine LOVE

her and she has actually joined them a few times when I was not able to make the

dinner date. She takes every opportunity to discuss my significant other with

them and everyone else making it like the whole reason I am the way I am is

because of him. If

I'm tired from work and doing her errands she will blame him for never doing

anything and consistently remind me of the miserable life I have with him. If I

say I have to go to the store after work, her response is " why can't HE go? " If

I say I have an errand to run it's the same response. If I want to stay home and

do laundrey she tells me he should be doing. No matter what I say I get the same

so it got to the point I can't say anything because I just don't want to listen

to her. When I'm lugging up heavy bags of her groceries up the stairs to her

apartment she comments that I am just like a man since I live with him. I

remember thinking to myself what does he have to do with it-I'm carrying HER

groceries. I realized that if I'm tired and worn out from her she will turn it

all around that it is HIS fault and she makes sure EVERYONE else knows it. I got

to the point I have felt like I don't even want to speak to anyone as she has

done this to all

the neighbors from the home I grew up in, her friends that have known me since

I was a kid, my friends, all my relatives making me look like a complete fool.

As well as the many distortion campaigns about what her daughter has done or

hasn't done for her. For the past 30 years I have wanted to phones these

neighbors, family friends, relatives and tell them it's not at all like what she

is saying, but, I always get over the urge and leve it be.. I've wanted to write

letters and then never do. I try to say it doesn't bother me, but, it does. I

think of so many family friends, neighbors and relatives that have passed on and

all the horrible things that were said about me that I never had the chance to

tell my side of the story. I had given my soul to this woman and I am the rotten

daughter who never visits, doesn't do anything for her, and who is a " poor slob "

(as she refers to me) in my relationship. I'm getting way off track here-sorry.

What I related to about the posts was I did so much for so many years of my life

(almost 58) and now when she is 85 I have been backing off, at a time when a

real mother needs her daughter. I have experienced alot of guilt, I have cried

about my reluctance to wanting to spend time with her, I feel bad because it

seems to go against my grain, it's everything I'm not, yet, it got to the point

I needed to back off so many times.

Once I discovered BPD (only 6 months or so ago) I have been behaving like I

decided to change all the rules and I just didn't bother telling her. She

doesn't get anything, never will, she is the poor helpless victim, as she has

been as long as I can remember . She told the nurse practioner and her

therapist (she has to tell me everything she said and they said) how she was

just a subservient wife (that's not what I recall at all) controlled by my

father and how they pity her. It makes me sick and then there are times that I

think maybe I am wrong, maybe that is what she was and I just saw things through

different eyes and I get so muddled up. Since this lightbubl went off about bpd

i am trusting my memories more and realized that she has been brainwashing me my

whole life. I would actually tell therapists that I felt like she was

brainwashing me-repeating over and over things to me that I remembered so

differently and I would eventually totally

disregard whatever I believed or thought must be all wrong. I think of so many

things I had confided in to therapists (black & white thinking, distortion

campaigns, projections, mirroring, etc.-i just didn't know the correct lingo)

and not one in over 30 years ever even suggested BPD to me.

I'm getting off the topic again-just thinking about all of this gets me so angry

I was watching the JFK movie with Costner this evening. He said something

that had me running for a piece of paper and pen to write. It had nothing to do

with BPD, but, in my mind it had EVERYTHING to do with it. He said:

" Yes, I have changed. Becoming aware of so many things (he was referring to

Warren Commision regarding JFK's assasination and conspiracy theory) has made me

change. What used to seem normal, now seems insane.. "

That statement hit me like a ton of slag! (another line I remembered from an old

Wayne movie) LOL!

I am sorry for such a l-o-n-g post and for getting off the topic. People use the

expression " do what you feel is right in your heart " . But, what I feel is

" right' in my heart can be detrimental to my physical, mental and spiritual

being.

With a BPD nada , NOONE understand except you guys. I thank a higher power

every day for having found this group.

Thanks to all of you for making me feel " I'm not so different and uncaring. It

just hurts too much to care. "

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, December 21, 2008 5:13:41 PM

Subject: Re: Nada in poor health