Re: Dealing with flashbacks ...

December 20, 2008

, your level of abuse was horrific; the brutality you endured

just breaks my heart to read it. Its tragic on several levels,

particularly when I read that when you were given a black eye and saw

that as a way to finally make your school counselor believe you. All

of them: your mother and her " stud " and your father should have been

arrested and sent to jail for assault and battery on you. Its a total

injustice that you ended up in a military school for disturbed

children; in essence *you*, the victim, were sent to jail instead of

the criminals who assaulted you.

You must have a core of steel, though, because you survived and were

able to find love, marry, and have children of your own. That is a

blessing, and it sounds like you are a caring and very loving mother.

I read that again and again from other adult kids of abusive parents

who, like yourself, now have children of their own: these adult

survivors of child abuse wonder how any parent could do that. They

can't imagine ever making that little face looking up at them with

such love and trust, contort with terrified screams.

The reason your mother/boyfriend and father could be so abusive to

you, and the reason my mother did similarly abusive things to me and

my Sister is that they are severely mentally ill: way, way too

unstable and dangerous to be allowed near a child, let alone raise one.

The reason that your counselor and our dad ignored it and let it go on

and on is that our culture and society does not yet recognize or give

any weight to how much damage continuous but just-under-the-radar

emotional and physical abuse does to a child. It takes an overt,

public level of physical abuse with physical evidence to get anyone's

attention, and then, tragically, the child often ends up paying the

price for " rescue " , as you did.

Since you wrote that you still experience flashbacks that you find

upsetting, maybe getting some therapy for what I'm guessing is

probably complex post traumatic stress disorder would help you find

more peace.

Its not fair that you (and others here) are still suffering from their

abuse after all these years in memory flashes that can feel like

re-experiencing the abuse in the present; you deserve to be free of it.

-Annie

>

> My flashbacks still come and go and sometimes I still cry.

>

> One time in particular my nada let her drunk boyfriend beat with his

fists until I got a black eye. When I back flipped away from him

(literally I was on a bed), I grabbed for the phone out of her hands

to call the police and she hit me over the head with it. I'll never

forget how it all started and the words slashing from her lips when I

screamed for her to help me. I had been in my bed, with my little

night light with kittens on it - and a purple ribbon. Nada came in

crying asking me why I always made him so angry. The truth was he

would get drunk and want to fight with me. I was 13. Nada was in

tears and said, " Oh I know it's not all your fault. " She was sitting

on my bed and whispering. The he burst in the door, blinded us with

the light and started screaming at me. I do not remember a thing he

said for the unintelligible drivel glided along the spittle assaulting

my face. I leaned into the bed, threatened to kick him and he

> started throwing punches. I screamed for her help and the icicles

came over her face. She was stone. She sneered:

> " Why should I help you, you have no respect for me. "

>

> I was so stunned he landed the punch and I flipped, grabbed for the

phone, got smacked and nearly ripped the doorknob out of the socket

getting down the stairs and into my basement bathroom to sit in the

dark hugging my knees for a solid 20 minutes or so. They did not

check on me. Nada went to bed without a word. I turned on the light

and saw the black eye and instead of crying, smirked. I figured I

finally could get that worthless school counselor to call the cops

about what I had been complaining about for months; the drunk fights

that I knew would eventually lead to violence. Nada blamed me in the

police report. Little did I know she was setting me up to send me to

a military school for disturbed children.

>

> To this day when I think of those moments, or when someone goes off

angrily I shake and get light headed. My father beat with a belt

until I bled at one point and wasn't afraid to punish at the drop of

hat - particularly on a bad day. One time when I was 19 he was

beating the dog and I almost peed myself. I went in the bathroom and

dry heaved. To this day when my father gets upset I can't speak for a

few moments and I get instantly adrenalized - terrified.

>

> Flashbacks from my sexual assaults plague me every time I'm

intimate. It's a nightmare and not a tale for this list, but suffice

to say I didn't feel an actual 'touch' anywhere on my body until I was 22.

>

> I get flashbacks in the middle of the day and have to ground myself

with the TV or the PC or else my mind will simply revel there with all

those emotions and body reactions spinning around.

>

> I don't think they ever go away ... I think I've just learned ways

to ground myself and tune them out, put them back in their place in my

mind/memories. I also make it a point to tell my husband and spend

time with him being close to me - just holding my hand or a hug. Or I

hug my children, tell them I love them and how beautiful and smart

they are. I look for anything I can love. Because only the light of

love seems to force the despondency of the shadows away.

>

> Sorry so long ... *sigh* Nada to this day will not apologize for

that incident nor admit what she said or did. She changes the story

always. Even in that story she told all her friends I beat her and

then went to my friends parents in the 8th grade and told them tearily

that I abused her and beat her. I lost every friend I had save one.

I wasn't allowed to see anyone. This was my punishment for trying to

get help from the police.

>

> I'm sorry to anyone who has flashbacks ... I also try to remind

myself that there's always someone out there who has endured worse

than I have. And that if they can live through it ... so can I.

>

December 20, 2008

Sabina,

I know of your pain in a sense because of the betrayal- but my

dear, in many ways I don't. As a mother of a beautiful 25 year old

daughter- I probably would have went to jail for hurting anyone who

would have went after her like this man so savagely attacked you.

I always stood up for my daughter- especially where her father

was involved.

Our children are special gifts- given to us for such a short time,

in the sense they are to eventually forge their own lives. Dear God

your mother is a VERY sick and disturbed woman. I am not devaluing

anything that happened to you- when I say this is material for a book

or movie- that is how horrible this all is. Part of this journey

though is you have found the capacity to love and be loved.

I think when you are abused- you must learn to put your armor

down and learn to love again. You must also trust and believe that

you also deserved to be loved- and my dear you have done that. You

are an amazing human being. Though many doors were closed to you- you

have found away to keep opening up other doors to your heart and soul.

I know the flashbacks and PTSD is very painful- but you are

inspiration to all.

May love and compassion keep washing away your pain.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , SDM wrote:

>

> My flashbacks still come and go and sometimes I still cry.

>

> One time in particular my nada let her drunk boyfriend beat with

his fists until I got a black eye. When I back flipped away from him