Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Wow, no wonder you feel suffocated! Jeez, you and your kids are literally being stalked by your mother. Its so bizarre, its as though she views your children as objects, not actual people, the way she won't interact with them but follows them around with a camera (?!) That's actually really creepy. All I can think of that might have any impact at all is for you, yourself, to tell your mother that you will phone her at a specific time and day each week for a 20-minute call. Period. You will not accept any phone calls *from* her, anywhere, at any time. During your weekly phone call she may relay messages to your children through you (so you can choose whether to allow the message or not) and they to her (for the same reason) but she is not allowed to speak to them directly. You could also have your husband speak with his parents, and let them know (if they haven't figured it out already) that your mother is mentally ill and you suggest that they block her phone number at their home. I hope you can make it through what's left of the holidays relatively peacefully, you have my sympathy. -Annie > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > it's been very difficult. > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > see the kids. > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > further discussion on the topic. > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > and sent emails. > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > she asks what they want her to get them. > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > every meal. > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > want her coming here either. > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Gosh , I could relate so much to your post and how nada uses her tentacles to constantly try to reach out and grab my kids into her sick, sick world. I applaud you for handling it so well and that you kept telling her no and moved forward. Yes, it upped her ante, it always will with these psychos. But, you stood your ground, good for you. To answer your question, unfortunately I feel the same way. That is the only way I will feel at peace. And then the guilt sets in about thinking such an awful thought. When I am venting to friends and am feeling enraged, I refer to nada as " that thing that I wish were dead in the ground. " I know it is awful, but I have so much anger built up for 30 years and being NC has made her start the lying mill again full force. It's getting really horrible and she is upping the ante and I feel that same way more and more. Good for you for staying strong. I've managed to be NC for a beautiful 2.5 months and it has been peaceful. Yes, they still try to call but DH just deletes the messages so I don't have to hear the sick voice. She sends cards to the kids which get thrown right in the trash. It's how I cope, for now. I will turn the machine off on Christmas and probably take the phone off the hook. Do your IL have caller ID? I'm sure they know she has issues, so just ask them not to answer the phone if she calls. I know, easier said than done. Sigh. Hang in there and stay strong. Sounds like you are doing a great job of setting boundaries. > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > it's been very difficult. > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > see the kids. > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > further discussion on the topic. > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > and sent emails. > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > she asks what they want her to get them. > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > every meal. > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > want her coming here either. > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Yes, she has an obsession with pictures. Any picture she gets of the kids she blows up to a large size, and every wall and surface of her house has at least one picture of my children. It's creepy. She is constantly trying to make them pose and preform for her. I'm sure it is part of whatever fantasy she has going on about her being this great, wonderful, loving grandparent. Every communication I have with her includes some comment about how I need to send her pictures of the kids. My rule with her has always been that she is not allowed to speak to the kids except on speakerphone with me right there. My kids are 5, 3, and infant, so this has been easy thusfar. I'm not sure if she realizes that I hear all of the conversations. I'd like to get it down to more like once or twice a month, because it seems like the more you give her, the more she wants. And I don't want to put anything in writing, because then she will feel 'entitled' to it, you know? She has no rights. She only has privledges, and when she behaves badly, I will revoke them. But for now I think I need a total NC period and then go from there if she complies. We will see if she can restrain herself. I'm really torn about putting my inlaws in the middle of this. They have a really big family, there will be probably 30 people at their home during the holiday. The chances are that SOMEONE will pick up the phone if she calls, and that means that someone will have to deal with her,and I just hate making them have to deal with that. This is the reason I can't just change my phone number either. She would make everyone's life a living hell, not just mine. On Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 2:27 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > Wow, no wonder you feel suffocated! > > Jeez, you and your kids are literally being stalked by your mother. > Its so bizarre, its as though she views your children as objects, not > actual people, the way she won't interact with them but follows them > around with a camera (?!) That's actually really creepy. > > All I can think of that might have any impact at all is for you, > yourself, to tell your mother that you will phone her at a specific > time and day each week for a 20-minute call. Period. You will not > accept any phone calls *from* her, anywhere, at any time. > > During your weekly phone call she may relay messages to your children > through you (so you can choose whether to allow the message or not) > and they to her (for the same reason) but she is not allowed to speak > to them directly. > > You could also have your husband speak with his parents, and let them > know (if they haven't figured it out already) that your mother is > mentally ill and you suggest that they block her phone number at their > home. > > I hope you can make it through what's left of the holidays relatively > peacefully, you have my sympathy. > > -Annie > > > > > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > > it's been very difficult. > > > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > > see the kids. > > > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > > further discussion on the topic. > > > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > > and sent emails. > > > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > > she asks what they want her to get them. > > > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > > every meal. > > > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > > want her coming here either. > > > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > > > > > -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 This is interesting, as it reminds me of the time I spent with my friend and her nada, whom she had not seen in 5 years. They were reunited for a wedding and I went for support. My friend's baby was 1.5 yrs old and her nada was obsessed with pictures. Yet, her nada didn't really want to interact with the kid. Didn't really hold him lovingly or play with him. I thought, that must be how my nada was with me. I know I have no memories of her reading to me or playing with me. So I could see that what this nada wanted was to take a buttload of pictures to show off to people to let them see what a great grandma she was. I knew that would be a lie, but so what, right? So what I'm wondering, is since you aren't actually NC, what about the idea of setting boundaries, while giving her enough to save face? For instance, make the obligatory call on Thanksgiving, but end it early. Call her on Christmas, then end it early. Let her online to look at and download pictures. When she starts crying about how she saw a picture of the kids with someone else, tell her, " you sound like you're upset. I'd better let you go. " Then hang up, make her blow up be her problem, not yours. Obviously, these decisions are yours to make. I am just wondering if she had the pictures from your site, and got her obligatory holiday call, that would calm her enough to back off a little. If what she really wants is to show off the kids' pictures and say she spoke to you on T-Day, maybe you could give her those things on your terms. When she wants pics, tell her all the pics are online. Then she eventually should stop bugging you for them. I know she'll keep stalking you, but this way she might be semi-satisfied, and might eventually get used to this level of semi-contact. I know this sucks for you, so I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. -Deanna > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > it's been very difficult. > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > see the kids. > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > further discussion on the topic. > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > and sent emails. > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > she asks what they want her to get them. > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > every meal. > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > want her coming here either. > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Well, I am trying to move towards no contact. I guess my problem has been that thusfar, it's been 'give her an inch, she will take a mile'. For example, it doesn't matter how long we stay for a visit, there will ALWAYS be a big blow up and tears exactly 24 hours before we are scheduled to leave. If I do call her, she will insist on talking to the children. If I let her, she will mention topics that I have asked her not to, or try to guilt them to go see her. Then I'm left with a 5 year old who thinks he wants to go see Mimi, and I have to deal with the mess. That isn't fair to my son. She won't be happy unless she thinks she has every bit of my kids time and attention. I honestly think we could live next door to her and see her every day and she would still find something else she needs from us. She is that text book BP black hole, and has decided that my kids are in the world to fill her emotional void. The more I let her play into that fantasy, the more she is going to cling to it. Here is an example for you. Her birthday and my daughters birthday are the same week. We were visiting, and she was having her own birthday party, and asked if it was ok to add my daughters name to the cake and get some balloons. I said ok. It turned into a huge disney princess cake, huge music playing balloons, and a party just for my daughter that she had obviously planned without telling me about. She even took my daughter to the other room where guests were and opened gifts without me while I was talking to my aunt. It was an overdone, embaressing, spectecal, and not what i had agreed to. And still, the next week when we were home, and had a small appropriate party for a three year old, she was on the phone hysterical and sobbing because she missed out on my daughters birthday while my inlaws got to participate. I have tried for years to have a small, distant relationship, but the older she gets, the worse she clings to them. I think she has pushed everyone else out of her lives, and thinks that the kids are still to naive to see her for what she is, so she will use them for her own emotional needs. But the problem is, once they get bigger and see through her, she will push them aside and hurt them. I can't allow that. > This is interesting, as it reminds me of the time I spent with my > friend and her nada, whom she had not seen in 5 years. They were > reunited for a wedding and I went for support. My friend's baby was > 1.5 yrs old and her nada was obsessed with pictures. > > Yet, her nada didn't really want to interact with the kid. Didn't > really hold him lovingly or play with him. I thought, that must be > how my nada was with me. I know I have no memories of her reading to > me or playing with me. > > So I could see that what this nada wanted was to take a buttload of > pictures to show off to people to let them see what a great grandma > she was. I knew that would be a lie, but so what, right? > > So what I'm wondering, is since you aren't actually NC, what about the > idea of setting boundaries, while giving her enough to save face? > > For instance, make the obligatory call on Thanksgiving, but end it > early. Call her on Christmas, then end it early. Let her online to > look at and download pictures. When she starts crying about how she > saw a picture of the kids with someone else, tell her, " you sound like > you're upset. I'd better let you go. " Then hang up, make her blow up > be her problem, not yours. > > Obviously, these decisions are yours to make. I am just wondering if > she had the pictures from your site, and got her obligatory holiday > call, that would calm her enough to back off a little. If what she > really wants is to show off the kids' pictures and say she spoke to > you on T-Day, maybe you could give her those things on your terms. > When she wants pics, tell her all the pics are online. Then she > eventually should stop bugging you for them. > > I know she'll keep stalking you, but this way she might be > semi-satisfied, and might eventually get used to this level of > semi-contact. > > I know this sucks for you, so I wish you the best in whatever you > decide to do. > > -Deanna > > > > > > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > > it's been very difficult. > > > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > > see the kids. > > > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > > further discussion on the topic. > > > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > > and sent emails. > > > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > > she asks what they want her to get them. > > > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > > every meal. > > > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > > want her coming here either. > > > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > > > > > -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 > Yes, she has an obsession with pictures. Any picture she gets of > the kids > she blows up to a large size, and every wall and surface of her > house has at > least one picture of my children. It's creepy. She is constantly > trying to > make them pose and preform for her. I'm sure it is part of whatever > fantasy > she has going on about her being this great, wonderful, loving > grandparent. > Every communication I have with her includes some comment about how > I need > to send her pictures of the kids. My nada does this also. She was obsessed with (mostly posed) photos of me and my brother as kids, and then once we started having kids - oy. She started in on it day one when my daughter had a baby, as well. I read in one of the BPD books, can't recall which one, that a lot of BPD-ers have very low personal memory (can't recall the exact term) - basically that when a person was distant, they'd forget what the person looked like (and that had some repercussions for their relationship with that person - feels to them like the relationship dwindles as the memory of their looks dwindles). Photos are a tangible way to try and hold on to that relationship. Not that understanding it makes it any less creepy. In some ways it's creepier, LOL, it's like the photo replaces the real person in some fashion. ********** carelia ~ C. Norton carelia@... http://PlantImpossibleGardens.blogspot.com/ Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Hi , I'm sorry your nada is showing such obession with your children. I admire your strength that comes through in your emails. My nada also never really interacted with my daughters. And as infants when they were going thru separation anxiety and didn't want to be held by anyone else, she would get totally offended. I also feel like you, that I could spend every minute of every day with her, and it wouldn't be enough. UGH. One piece of advice I have is that I just discovered a way to block incoming calls. I can input up to 12 numbers into our voice mail system and the callers receive a message saying 'the number you called isn't accepting phone calls at this time'. I have Comcast phone but I'm sure a lot of phone companies have something like this. It is SO empowering to be able to block my sister and nadas home and cell phone numbers! I don't have to come home and fear a blinking light might be a nasty message. Stay strong! > > > > > > I have been low contact with my mother for about a month, and moving > > > towards no contact (I hope). But as it gets close to the holidays, > > > it's been very difficult. > > > > > > She lives about 5 hours from me, and fixates on my children, and her > > > fantasy of being a grandmother. > > > > > > We refused to spend Thanksgiving with her. My husband recently was > > > laid off. I told her we did not have time or money to come because of > > > this. She offered to pay. I said no, we did not have time, my husband > > > was searching for a job. She wanted me to come without him. I said no, > > > Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I would not spend the holidays > > > without my husband (who in their right mind thinks that a mother is > > > more important than a husband?). She wanted to come and pick me up so > > > I would come, I refused to come to her home without a vehicle to leave > > > in if things got tough. I won't be stranded with her. > > > > > > Then she wanted to come and take my kids for the holidays. She stalks > > > my son's school calender online, so she thinks she has a right to > > > every day he has off from school. I said no. > > > > > > Then she invited herself to come to MY HOME for the holiday, saying > > > that I should cook for everyone. I told her no. > > > > > > On Thankgivng/my birthday, she called my cell phone repeatedly. We > > > spent the day with my inlaws. When I wouldn't pick up she called my > > > husbands phone. When he wouldn't pick up, she called my inlaws home! I > > > was so, so, so embarressed. The first time my husband headed off the > > > conversation, told her I was busy with the baby. The second time my > > > FIL answered and handed me the phone. I told her I was eating dinner, > > > and she got all weepy about and said things like " I can't even call my > > > own daughter on her birthday? I called you an hour and a half ago! " I > > > told her I was busy and had to go. She kept insisting she wanted to > > > talk to my kids. I told her they were playing. She made lots of > > > passive aggressive comments about how my inlaws must be so happy to > > > see the kids. > > > > > > She insists on me sending her every picture I take of the kids. I > > > haven't sent her pictures in months. We have an online family blog > > > that I had to make invite only because she kept stalking the blog, and > > > then would call or send letters or emails about how she was missing > > > out on the kids lives while their other grandparents get to see them > > > all the time. She loves to keep a scorecard. > > > > > > After Thanksgiving she immediatly started in about Christmas. I told > > > her no, and finally wrote her a long email detailing that I would not > > > be coming, the kids would not be coming, and there was to be no > > > further discussion on the topic. > > > > > > She then TOLD ME that she was coming the next week to see the kids. I > > > told her no. A few days later she called like this had never happened, > > > saying she couldn't come because someone got sick and needed her help. > > > I guess that was her way of seeming to stay in control, I didn't tell > > > her not to come, she DECIDED not to come. > > > > > > Yesterday she sent my husband and I a happy aniversary card saying > > > that she would come and watch the kids so we could go out. She has > > > called every day for the past three days wanting to talk to the kids, > > > and sent emails. > > > > > > I told her that she was not to get more than two gifts for the kids, > > > so she has been sending 'little' packages here and there for the past > > > month, trying to sneak things in. Most of them have gone straight to > > > the trash before the kids could see them. Every time she talks to them > > > she asks what they want her to get them. > > > > > > The sad thing is that when we go to her house, the only thing she does > > > with them is to take them to the store to buy them junk, or sit them > > > in front of the TV with junk food, or follow them around with a > > > camera. She doesn't really interact with them. And she doesn't want to > > > spend time with them unless it is on her turf, so she can show them > > > off to her friends or live in a fantasy world that doesn't involve any > > > one else telling her that she can't do whatever she wants with them. > > > She devolves into hysterics if I won't let her feed them goldfish and > > > french fries for every meal for a week straight, or drink soda with > > > every meal. > > > > > > I am dreading Christmas. I know she will call my inlaws and try to > > > MAKE me talk to her again, and just be a mess. I won't let her talk to > > > the kids and grill them about what presents other people got them, or > > > try to make them feel guilty for not being at her house. And i don't > > > want her coming here either. > > > > > > Is it horrible that I wish she would just die so I could live in peace? > > > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 --- My nada is also obsessed with pictures of my daughter, her only grandchild (although she claims her great-niece's children as grandchildren). She always wants photos of her and recently sent a disposable camera and an outfit with orders to take a picture of her in this outfit and send it all back to her. I ignored it. I generally refuse to spend holidays with her, and she has started threatening to come here for holidays, but luckily for me, she is getting too old and feeble to follow thru with her threats. She did visit for TG and it went well, with strict limits - staying at a motel, planned activities, etc. But she wants the visits to be on her turf. I have no interest in driving 8 hours to be on her turf. She also wants to feed my dau only junk food and buy her lots of crap. She sends packages regularly - usually crap from the dollar store. You may have to just let the in-laws know to not accept her calls that day - either check caller ID if possible or give them a standard line to give her, or tell her once yourself - I'm not available - don't call back - or something -unless that would encourage her. Only you will know . Sounds like you're doing great with setting limits though. And arent you glad she's 5 hours away??? Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , carelia wrote: > > > > > Yes, she has an obsession with pictures. Any picture she gets of > > the kids > > she blows up to a large size, and every wall and surface of her > > house has at > > least one picture of my children. It's creepy. She is constantly > > trying to > > make them pose and preform for her. I'm sure it is part of whatever > > fantasy > > she has going on about her being this great, wonderful, loving > > grandparent. > > Every communication I have with her includes some comment about how > > I need > > to send her pictures of the kids. > > > My nada does this also. She was obsessed with (mostly posed) photos > of me and my brother as kids, and then once we started having kids - > oy. She started in on it day one when my daughter had a baby, as well. > > I read in one of the BPD books, can't recall which one, that a lot of > BPD-ers have very low personal memory (can't recall the exact term) - > basically that when a person was distant, they'd forget what the > person looked like (and that had some repercussions for their > relationship with that person - feels to them like the relationship > dwindles as the memory of their looks dwindles). Photos are a > tangible way to try and hold on to that relationship. > > Not that understanding it makes it any less creepy. In some ways it's > creepier, LOL, it's like the photo replaces the real person in some > fashion. > > ********** > carelia ~ C. Norton > carelia@... > http://PlantImpossibleGardens.blogspot.com/ > > Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was > misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, > and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever > took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. - Ralph Waldo Emerson > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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