Re: Suggestions on how to get a BP parent to stop coming to your house constantly.

[Guest guest]

When you say she is quitting to take care of your kids, do you mean that she

wants to take care of them, or that you have agreed to it? I would find

another babysitter, personally.

If your husband won't change the locks, hire someone to do it yourself. Or

tell him that he gets to deal with her every time she comes over and you

will be up in your room, 'busy'. My husband used to get annoyed when I

wouldn't answer my nada's phonecalls, and would answer the phone. I would

refuse to take the phone from her. If I were you, I would tell him that in

the future when she comes over, you will be in the shower. See if that

changes his mind.

I know that sounds harsh, but I have a spouse who didn't grow up around the

disorder, and sometimes it takes throwing him to the wolves to get him to

see what she is like, since my mom is on her good behavior around him.

Hugs! Good luck!

*oh, and mods, i know my whole name is sent with this, and I'm ok with that!

*

On Wed, Dec 17, 2008 at 9:14 AM, Anne Mouse wrote:

> Hello,

>

> Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be replying to posts

> as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried creating. I

> just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find a group of

> people who have similar experiences.

>

> Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been extremely

> suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a week during the

> day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like having fruit or

> something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her fruit, I have the

> same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We had given

> them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad always goes and

> lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my husband won't do

> it.

>

> My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home with our

> children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She makes life

> miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls, putting one

> of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like constantly).

> I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a short time

> frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is more than

> enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I can't stand

> it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't want to add

> to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially what's driving

> the house calls.

>

> Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you set

> boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

>

> Thank you so much.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ! My husband has no idea what my bro and I went

through, but is starting to see some of it.

I'll be the one quitting work this January and staying home from

February on. That's why I'm worried because I've always been at

work and the girls have always been at school or daycare. I take

the girls for a visit each month, but I'm there so when she starts

ignoring one we have something we have to go to. I get a regular

(nice) babysitter on the rare occasions that my husband and I go

out.

My husband used to pick up the phone when she called and hand it to

me and leave. I finally got him to stop that and answer it

himself! He's been surprised at some of the very odd conversations.

But just trying to set boundaries with her (DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE

UNLESS INVITED) is a struggle. And I don't want to be stifled by

her visits all the time.

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be

replying to posts

> > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

creating. I

> > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find

a group of

> > people who have similar experiences.

> >

> > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been

extremely

> > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a

week during the

> > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like

having fruit or

> > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her

fruit, I have the

> > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We

had given

> > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

always goes and

> > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my

husband won't do

> > it.

> >

> > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home

with our

> > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She

makes life

> > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls,

putting one

> > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like

constantly).

> > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

short time

> > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is

more than

> > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

can't stand

> > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

want to add

> > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially

what's driving

> > the house calls.

> >

> > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you

set

> > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> >

> > Thank you so much.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Actually, I think Anne is quitting her current job in order to stay

with her own children.

Anne, I agree with your therapist. Your mother should not be able

to get into YOUR house without your permission. I cannot fathom why

your husband is refusing to do this, when it must be obvious to him

(unless he lacks empathy) that it is making you miserable.

It is not acceptable for your mother to emotionally abuse your

children, and it is equally unacceptable for you to allow her to. If

she does that, she should not be allowed to spend any time with them

until you are confident that she has changed her behaviour.

When you were growing up, did your dad stand by and watch while she

mistreated you? Please don't stand by and watch while she does it to

your children. They don't deserve to be treated the way you

described. They will be confused about themselves and their own

worth.

The best approach is to be honest about it, tell her which behavior

you find unacceptable, and communicate the consequences. I told my

own mother that I did not trust her to be alone with my children

because her behavior is emotionally abusive. Of course, that brought

on the waterworks, but it felt damned good to say it. After a

lifetime of trying to cover up her inadequacies, the Truth was told.

And she no longer begs to babysit.

You can call your mother as often as YOU WANT to. You have a right

to manage your time and personal interactions in a way that preserves

your mental and emotional well-being, and that of your children.

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be replying

to posts

> > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

creating. I

> > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find a

group of

> > people who have similar experiences.

> >

> > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been

extremely

> > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a week

during the

> > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like

having fruit or

> > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her fruit,

I have the

> > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We

had given

> > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

always goes and

> > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my husband

won't do

> > it.

> >

> > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home

with our

> > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She

makes life

> > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls,

putting one

> > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like

constantly).

> > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

short time

> > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is

more than

> > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

can't stand

> > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

want to add

> > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially what's

driving

> > the house calls.

> >

> > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you

set

> > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> >

> > Thank you so much.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

ow, yes, i've been there heather. exactly. my bpd mother would drop over

unannounced ALL THE TIME, and like yours using flimsy excuses like " i've just

bought some hair ties for the children and thought i'd drop them in. " in the end

we mustered all of our courage, sat her down and asked her to phone before she

dropped in, just to make sure it was convenient for us. we reinforced the fact

that we loved to see her, that the kids loved seeing her, it was just that we

lead busy lives etc etc etc. needless to say she fell to pieces, screamed and

yelled, wrote histrionic emails and letters to us, accused my husband of trying

to come between her and HER daughter (his wife!) and HER grandchildren (his

children !). we stayed calm, told her we wouldn't enter into correspondence or

negotiation over it with her, wouldn't repsond to the litany of other grievances

she brought up, and that what we had requested was perfectly reasonable and

acceptable. of course weeks,

if not months of dramas ensued, all of her rejection/abandonment issues came to

the fore, lots of frostiness and hurt looks, but in the end we have had success.

i would change the locks if i were you, give your spare keys to a trusted

neighbour of friend. it is YOUR home, YOUR family, YOUR rules. take control and

ownership, it is YOUR life. it can be scary but you can do it!

good luck

bernadette

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 5:20:07 AM

Subject: Re: Suggestions on how to get a BP parent to stop

coming to your house constantly.

When you say she is quitting to take care of your kids, do you mean that she

wants to take care of them, or that you have agreed to it? I would find

another babysitter, personally.

If your husband won't change the locks, hire someone to do it yourself. Or

tell him that he gets to deal with her every time she comes over and you

will be up in your room, 'busy'. My husband used to get annoyed when I

wouldn't answer my nada's phonecalls, and would answer the phone. I would

refuse to take the phone from her. If I were you, I would tell him that in

the future when she comes over, you will be in the shower. See if that

changes his mind.

I know that sounds harsh, but I have a spouse who didn't grow up around the

disorder, and sometimes it takes throwing him to the wolves to get him to

see what she is like, since my mom is on her good behavior around him.

Hugs! Good luck!

*oh, and mods, i know my whole name is sent with this, and I'm ok with that!

*

On Wed, Dec 17, 2008 at 9:14 AM, Anne Mouse <mouseanne@rocketmai l.com>wrote:

> Hello,

>

> Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be replying to posts

> as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried creating. I

> just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find a group of

> people who have similar experiences.

>

> Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been extremely

> suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a week during the

> day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like having fruit or

> something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her fruit, I have the

> same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We had given

> them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad always goes and

> lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my husband won't do

> it.

>

> My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home with our

> children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She makes life

> miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls, putting one

> of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like constantly).

> I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a short time

> frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is more than

> enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I can't stand

> it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't want to add

> to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially what's driving

> the house calls.

>

> Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you set

> boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

>

> Thank you so much.

>

>

[Guest guest]

KT,

We leave her house the second she starts to take the child she feels

is deserving (or good at the time) to another room to shut the

door. But I think you're right. I need to just let it out that she

can't come over to our house unless invited and we won't be

answering the phone unless we want to. My time with my children is

precious and I'm tired of worrying about her actions or possible

presence.

> >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be

replying

> to posts

> > > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

> creating. I

> > > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to

find a

> group of

> > > people who have similar experiences.

> > >

> > > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has

been

> extremely

> > > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a

week

> during the

> > > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like

> having fruit or

> > > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her

fruit,

> I have the

> > > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later.

We

> had given

> > > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

> always goes and

> > > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his

life

> > > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my

husband

> won't do

> > > it.

> > >

> > > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay

home

> with our

> > > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She

> makes life

> > > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my

girls,

> putting one

> > > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't

like

> constantly).

> > > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

> short time

> > > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that

is

> more than

> > > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

> can't stand

> > > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

> want to add

> > > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially

what's

> driving

> > > the house calls.

> > >

> > > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did

you

> set

> > > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> > >

> > > Thank you so much.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

You are welcome. I see the problem now!

Do you have a deadbolt you could use when you were home? Would your husband

be opposed to a deadbolt or chain being installed that you could at least

use if you were at home alone during the day when she came by? Or maybe you

could put a note on the door: Babies are napping, please leave a note and I

will get back to you later! Thanks! Would she take the hint or think it

didn't apply to her?

My nada lives 5 hours away, so we don't have to worry too much about the

drop ins, but I can totally imagine this type of situation if we lived

closer. I would be having panic attacks!

On Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 11:28 AM, anniemouse970 wrote:

> KT,

>

> We leave her house the second she starts to take the child she feels

> is deserving (or good at the time) to another room to shut the

> door. But I think you're right. I need to just let it out that she

> can't come over to our house unless invited and we won't be

> answering the phone unless we want to. My time with my children is

> precious and I'm tired of worrying about her actions or possible

> presence.

>

>

> > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be

> replying

> > to posts

> > > > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

> > creating. I

> > > > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to

> find a

> > group of

> > > > people who have similar experiences.

> > > >

> > > > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has

> been

> > extremely

> > > > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a

> week

> > during the

> > > > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like

> > having fruit or

> > > > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her

> fruit,

> > I have the

> > > > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later.

> We

> > had given

> > > > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

> > always goes and

> > > > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his

> life

> > > > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my

> husband

> > won't do

> > > > it.

> > > >

> > > > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay

> home

> > with our

> > > > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She

> > makes life

> > > > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my

> girls,

> > putting one

> > > > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't

> like

> > constantly).

> > > > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

> > short time

> > > > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that

> is

> > more than

> > > > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

> > can't stand

> > > > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

> > want to add

> > > > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially

> what's

> > driving

> > > > the house calls.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did

> you

> > set

> > > > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> > > >

> > > > Thank you so much.

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Just to throw in my two cents worth: I am a very non-technical,

non-mechanical middle-aged lady, and I found it very easy to change

the locks on my main/front door. The instructions are really easy to

follow, and they tell you which tools you need. I think all I needed

was a screwdriver (the tool, not the drink) but, read the instructions.

Change the lock, then just remove the old key and substitute the new

key on your husband's keychain and he'll never know the difference.

-Annie

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be replying

to posts

> > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

creating. I

> > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find a

group of

> > people who have similar experiences.

> >

> > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been

extremely

> > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a week

during the

> > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like having

fruit or

> > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her fruit,

I have the

> > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We

had given

> > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

always goes and

> > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my husband

won't do

> > it.

> >

> > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home

with our

> > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She makes

life

> > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls,

putting one

> > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like

constantly).

> > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

short time

> > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is

more than

> > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

can't stand

> > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

want to add

> > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially what's

driving

> > the house calls.

> >

> > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you set

> > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> >

> > Thank you so much.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Now here is a topic that I am way too familiar with...my nada lives right

next door and like you, we had a really hard time with her as she would just

walk in and out of my house at all hours of the day and night. And she made

no bones about why she was there...to pick through our mail and gather all

kinds of information about how horrible of a housekeeper i am and she was

going to " report me " .

Trust me...i've tried it ALL...even down to calling 911 dozens of times and

pushing the press charges. I've posted no trespassing signs...I've even had

restraining orders placed on her...nothing would slow her down. In her head

my house was her house and she was ENTITLED to run my house as if it was

hers.

Trust me when i tell you...CHANGE THE LOCKS! Nip this in the bud now..it was

late in the game when i tried and because i allowed it for so long it took

that much more to get her to stay out of my house. She's broken windows to

get in almost a dozen times, and she even attempted to burn my house down

just to get in the house. (Then she called 911 and when the police arrived

she used the excuse " oh this is my daughter's house...i better go in and

make sure all the animals are ok " ....when i tried to file a complaint i

ended up getting the lecture about how ungrateful i am and i should be

thanking her because all she did was call 911 and try to help me. I mean,

who gets mad at a person who tries to help you, right?...hmmmph)

Change the locks, change the locks, change the locks. (Be prepared for her

to call a locksmith though) Annie is right, it is really simple to do

yourself. (not to mention empowering) Google " installation of door knobs " or

" how to change a lock " . If you go to home depot or Lowe's alot of times they

will take you to that section of the store and show you how....or go to your

local high school and ask to speak to the tech-ed teacher. High schoolers

are now required to do some community service...the teacher could probably

hook u up with one of the tech kids that are looking for side jobs. (Same

thing applies if you are looking for a good babysitter) Worst case scenario,

get yourself a good babysitter and let her boyfriend change them for you!

It bears repeating...change the locks, change the locks, change the locks!

On Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 10:15 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> Just to throw in my two cents worth: I am a very non-technical,

> non-mechanical middle-aged lady, and I found it very easy to change

> the locks on my main/front door. The instructions are really easy to

> follow, and they tell you which tools you need. I think all I needed

> was a screwdriver (the tool, not the drink) but, read the instructions.

> Change the lock, then just remove the old key and substitute the new

> key on your husband's keychain and he'll never know the difference.

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be replying

> to posts

> > > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

> creating. I

> > > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to find a

> group of

> > > people who have similar experiences.

> > >

> > > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has been

> extremely

> > > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a week

> during the

> > > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like having

> fruit or

> > > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her fruit,

> I have the

> > > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later. We

> had given

> > > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

> always goes and

> > > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his life

> > > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my husband

> won't do

> > > it.

> > >

> > > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay home

> with our

> > > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She makes

> life

> > > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my girls,

> putting one

> > > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't like

> constantly).

> > > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

> short time

> > > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that is

> more than

> > > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

> can't stand

> > > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

> want to add

> > > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially what's

> driving

> > > the house calls.

> > >

> > > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did you set

> > > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> > >

> > > Thank you so much.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Honest everyone, I NEVER let nada around the girls without me. I

never use her for a babysitter. She's far too unstable. Some of our

visits are nice and some aren't but when she starts getting mean or

leaving one out or getting angry with me we suddenly have something

we have to do.

I'll be SAHMing it in February, so I think changing the locks now

will help get the point across that nada can't come over when she

wants. I've told my husband about all your posts, and he agrees and

will also be the hammer that has to come down if she starts dropping

by when we're home.

Since the girls have been at daycare they haven't been hurt by her

daytime " visits " , but that would change when we're home if she

doesn't stop.

And like you Bunny I get the " I remember when people used to care

about having their houses clean " balogna. Joy!

Thank you all so much. The new locks on the doors are going to be my

Christmas to me.

> >

> > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I'll be

replying

> > to posts

> > > > as soon as I figure out how to set one of the profiles I tried

> > creating. I

> > > > just finished " Walking on Eggshells " and am really glad to

find a

> > group of

> > > > people who have similar experiences.

> > > >

> > > > Here is my problem. My mother is BP and this past year has

been

> > extremely

> > > > suffocating. She constantly goes to my house several times a

week

> > during the

> > > > day even when I've begged her not to. She uses excuses like

having

> > fruit or

> > > > something to drop off. I've told her that I don't want her

fruit,

> > I have the

> > > > same exact thing and she still goes over and calls me later.

We

> > had given

> > > > them a key to the house in case we got locked out, so my dad

> > always goes and

> > > > lets her in (he won't tell her no on things as she makes his

life

> > > > miserable). My therapist said to change the locks, but my

husband

> > won't do

> > > > it.

> > > >

> > > > My main problem is that I'll be quitting work soon to stay

home

> > with our

> > > > children, and I can't have her coming over all the time. She

makes

> > life

> > > > miserable when she's around, demeaning me in front of my

girls,

> > putting one

> > > > of them down (she switches which one she likes and doesn't

like

> > constantly).

> > > > I'd really prefer not having her near them. We visit her for a

> > short time

> > > > frame each month, and call her several times a week, and that

is

> > more than

> > > > enough for all of us. I'm almost to the point of telling her I

> > can't stand

> > > > it anymore, but I don't want my dad to be cut out. And I don't

> > want to add

> > > > to her feeling of abandonment, which I'm sure is partially

what's

> > driving

> > > > the house calls.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone had a similar situation with a BP parent? How did

you set

> > > > boundaries and have both parties stick to them?

> > > >

> > > > Thank you so much.

> > > >

> > > >