Re: Relived my Nada thru my sister last night

[Guest guest]

I meant to add between my first and second paragraph that I called my

sister on the phone b/c I didn't want to continue with her over email.

>

> I'd like to vent a little...

>

> I received an email from my sister last week that really got to me,

> and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board, but I

> think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

email,

> there was lots of blaming me for things, finger pointing, 'you

never

> do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be good to

> ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of nonresponse.

> But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up for

> myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

>

> I started the conversation having it be open, just said, 'thought

you

> would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

reunited

> with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and b/c of

> this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really anything

> else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email. I said

> okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email works for

us

> as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she said -and

> here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you talk

so

> softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned a

phone

> call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why can't

I

> just email you? "

> Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails " Her- "

> XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

>

> Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of her

lungs

> at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she wanted to

> through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held the

phone

> away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said, stop

> yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well you

say

> I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have to

say

> either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the things she

> said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you snapped

at

> our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding. (i

> honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

selfish,

> it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask about me,

> you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the only

> family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my life,

no

> one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

screwing

> up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him awful

> names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear from

> me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i don't

> think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you shouldn't be

> asking about his mom you should be asking about your own mother. Do

> you know she's been on medication for a year now and could have a

> stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care about

> yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and commute

and

> how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after I

> initiate an email " ??

>

> I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but she

> just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she came

to

> visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking really loud

> (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This she

has

> held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to hang up

on

> her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if i hung

> up it would continue.

>

> Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to work,

I

> think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life, click " .

> I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes later

> crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have to

> email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign to

have

> a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all about you

> anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

agree,

> but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm just

> saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an effort? "

> then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs some

time

> to get over all this....

>

> I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think she can

> just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't have to

> be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so much of

> when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt so

> awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's through my

> sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have put a

call

> filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have no

> contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy siblings

> yell at them like this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I am sorry you're having such a hard time. Whether your sister has

BPD or just behaviors she's learned from your BPD mother, the

strategy for dealing with the undesirable behavior is the same:

boundary setting and enforcement. And you seem to be doing that. I

like that you communicated that you will not accept being yelled at.

Your sister is still very enmeshed with your mother. I would guess

that on some level she is probably jealous that you have learned how

to detach. I imagine at times she probably wishes she could stand up

for herself, too. Also, I'm sure she's getting an earful from your

mother, and right now she still sees loyalty to your mother as

essential to her own emotional survival.

If I were in your situation, I think I would need to say something

like, " I can see that you and I have different opinions about what

my relationship with our mother should be like. I will respect your

decisions about your relationship with her, and I would like to ask

that you respect my right to make different decisions. I love you

and mom, and am making choices I feel are best for me. "

Your sister clearly cannot distinguish between herself and her

mother. She is holding onto old (and sometimes imagined) resentments

and using them to try to bully you. She rages and uses FOG. It is

not uncommon for children of Borderline parents to develop the

disorder themselves. You might consider the possibility that Sister

has learned the entire pattern of disordered emotional regulation.

Usually the adult children who only have fleas are incredibly worried

that they might have Borderline, too. From what I can tell, the

adult children who have BPD have no such concern.

I think you are doing the right thing setting limits with your

sister.

PS--Do you and she share the same father?

> >

> > I'd like to vent a little...

> >

> > I received an email from my sister last week that really got to

me,

> > and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board, but

I

> > think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

> email,

> > there was lots of blaming me for things, finger pointing, 'you

> never

> > do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be good

to

> > ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of

nonresponse.

> > But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up for

> > myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

> >

> > I started the conversation having it be open, just said, 'thought

> you

> > would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

> reunited

> > with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and b/c of

> > this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really anything

> > else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email. I

said

> > okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email works

for

> us

> > as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she said -

and

> > here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you talk

> so

> > softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned a

> phone

> > call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why

can't

> I

> > just email you? "

> > Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails " Her-

"

> > XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

> >

> > Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of her

> lungs

> > at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she wanted

to

> > through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held the

> phone

> > away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said, stop

> > yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well you

> say

> > I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have to

> say

> > either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the things

she

> > said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you

snapped

> at

> > our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding. (i

> > honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

> selfish,

> > it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask about

me,

> > you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the only

> > family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my

life,

> no

> > one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

> screwing

> > up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him awful

> > names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear

from

> > me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i don't

> > think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> > husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you shouldn't be

> > asking about his mom you should be asking about your own mother.

Do

> > you know she's been on medication for a year now and could have a

> > stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care

about

> > yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and commute

> and

> > how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after I

> > initiate an email " ??

> >

> > I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but she

> > just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she

came

> to

> > visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking really

loud

> > (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This she

> has

> > held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to hang up

> on

> > her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if i

hung

> > up it would continue.

> >

> > Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to

work,

> I

> > think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life,

click " .

> > I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes later

> > crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have to

> > email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign to

> have

> > a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all about

you

> > anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

> agree,

> > but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm just

> > saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an

effort? "

> > then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs some

> time

> > to get over all this....

> >

> > I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think she

can

> > just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't have

to

> > be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so much

of

> > when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt so

> > awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's through my

> > sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have put a

> call

> > filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have no

> > contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy

siblings

> > yell at them like this?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. The way my sister couldn't

control her emotions, couldn't accept a slight criticism or tell the

difference between me saying, 'i find your emails attacking' and her

screaming insults at me, makes me seriously question whether she does

have BPD. I didn't realize BPD was something that could be developed

by learned behavior.

We do share she same father. My mother lied to us all of our lives

and told us he didn't pay child support, when that wasn't true.

I am taking a break from having my sister in my life. I feel so

empowered by blocking her emails and restricting her calls, it's such

a relief to know I'm not going to log onto email and see a hateful

email waiting for me.

Thanks again,

> > >

> > > I'd like to vent a little...

> > >

> > > I received an email from my sister last week that really got to

> me,

> > > and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board,

but

> I

> > > think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

> > email,

> > > there was lots of blaming me for things, finger pointing, 'you

> > never

> > > do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be

good

> to

> > > ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of

> nonresponse.

> > > But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up for

> > > myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

> > >

> > > I started the conversation having it be open, just

said, 'thought

> > you

> > > would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

> > reunited

> > > with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and b/c

of

> > > this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really

anything

> > > else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email. I

> said

> > > okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email works

> for

> > us

> > > as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she said -

> and

> > > here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you

talk

> > so

> > > softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned a

> > phone

> > > call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why

> can't

> > I

> > > just email you? "

> > > Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails "

Her-

> "

> > > XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

> > >

> > > Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of her

> > lungs

> > > at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she wanted

> to

> > > through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held the

> > phone

> > > away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said,

stop

> > > yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well

you

> > say

> > > I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have

to

> > say

> > > either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the things

> she

> > > said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you

> snapped

> > at

> > > our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding.

(i

> > > honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

> > selfish,

> > > it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask about

> me,

> > > you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the

only

> > > family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my

> life,

> > no

> > > one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

> > screwing

> > > up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him

awful

> > > names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear

> from

> > > me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i

don't

> > > think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> > > husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you shouldn't

be

> > > asking about his mom you should be asking about your own

mother.

> Do

> > > you know she's been on medication for a year now and could have

a

> > > stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care

> about

> > > yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and

commute

> > and

> > > how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after I

> > > initiate an email " ??

> > >

> > > I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but

she

> > > just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she

> came

> > to

> > > visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking really

> loud

> > > (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This

she

> > has

> > > held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to hang

up

> > on

> > > her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if i

> hung

> > > up it would continue.

> > >

> > > Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to

> work,

> > I

> > > think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life,

> click " .

> > > I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes

later

> > > crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have

to

> > > email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign

to

> > have

> > > a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all about

> you

> > > anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

> > agree,

> > > but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm just

> > > saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an

> effort? "

> > > then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs

some

> > time

> > > to get over all this....

> > >

> > > I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think she

> can

> > > just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't

have

> to

> > > be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so much

> of

> > > when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt

so

> > > awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's through

my

> > > sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have put

a

> > call

> > > filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have no

> > > contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy

> siblings

> > > yell at them like this?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Glad to have helped.

My grandmother was orphaned at the age of 2. I am pretty sure she is

the source of BPD in our family. My mother was her only child, and

as best as I can piece together, her BPD is the direct result of

having a BPD mother while at the same time being unwilling to seek

help for her own problems. I think my father's parents were the

classic BPD/NPD couple, so to him all my mother's behavior seems

normal.

Anyway, it makes more sense for your sister to be mad at you about

contacting your father when it's her father, too. She is dealing

with any conflict she feels about her own relationship with him by

projecting negativity toward you. It makes her feel better about

being loyal to your mother if she can make you the bad guy.

kt

> > > >

> > > > I'd like to vent a little...

> > > >

> > > > I received an email from my sister last week that really got

to

> > me,

> > > > and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board,

> but

> > I

> > > > think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

> > > email,

> > > > there was lots of blaming me for things, finger

pointing, 'you

> > > never

> > > > do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be

> good

> > to

> > > > ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of

> > nonresponse.

> > > > But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up

for

> > > > myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

> > > >

> > > > I started the conversation having it be open, just

> said, 'thought

> > > you

> > > > would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

> > > reunited

> > > > with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and

b/c

> of

> > > > this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really

> anything

> > > > else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email.

I

> > said

> > > > okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email

works

> > for

> > > us

> > > > as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she

said -

> > and

> > > > here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you

> talk

> > > so

> > > > softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned

a

> > > phone

> > > > call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why

> > can't

> > > I

> > > > just email you? "

> > > > Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails "

> Her-

> > "

> > > > XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

> > > >

> > > > Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of

her

> > > lungs

> > > > at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she

wanted

> > to

> > > > through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held

the

> > > phone

> > > > away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said,

> stop

> > > > yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well

> you

> > > say

> > > > I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have

> to

> > > say

> > > > either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the

things

> > she

> > > > said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you

> > snapped

> > > at

> > > > our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding.

> (i

> > > > honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

> > > selfish,

> > > > it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask

about

> > me,

> > > > you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the

> only

> > > > family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my

> > life,

> > > no

> > > > one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

> > > screwing

> > > > up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him

> awful

> > > > names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear

> > from

> > > > me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i

> don't

> > > > think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> > > > husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you

shouldn't

> be

> > > > asking about his mom you should be asking about your own

> mother.

> > Do

> > > > you know she's been on medication for a year now and could

have

> a

> > > > stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care

> > about

> > > > yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and

> commute

> > > and

> > > > how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after

I

> > > > initiate an email " ??

> > > >

> > > > I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but

> she

> > > > just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she

> > came

> > > to

> > > > visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking

really

> > loud

> > > > (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This

> she

> > > has

> > > > held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to

hang

> up

> > > on

> > > > her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if

i

> > hung

> > > > up it would continue.

> > > >

> > > > Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to

> > work,

> > > I

> > > > think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life,

> > click " .

> > > > I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes

> later

> > > > crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have

> to

> > > > email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign

> to

> > > have

> > > > a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all

about

> > you

> > > > anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

> > > agree,

> > > > but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm

just

> > > > saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an

> > effort? "

> > > > then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs

> some

> > > time

> > > > to get over all this....

> > > >

> > > > I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think

she

> > can

> > > > just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't

> have

> > to

> > > > be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so

much

> > of

> > > > when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt

> so

> > > > awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's

through

> my

> > > > sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have

put

> a

> > > call

> > > > filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have

no

> > > > contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy

> > siblings

> > > > yell at them like this?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Yes I can very much relate to having a Nada-like sister. My sister

was / is very enmeshed in Nada's craziness because she was the

favourite child for over 30 years. She kowtowed to nada until she

got married to someone nada didn't like. Things changed when nada

did her best to break up sister's marriage. Sister was painted

Black for awhile then white then black then back to white (my head

was spinning). I have gone very low contact with sister because I

see too much of Nada in her, its scary. When we argued she also

brought up unrelated stuff from years ago, she twisted the truth and

is very self righteous and extremely jealous. I cannot trust her at

all, and this saddens me. For a short time we were united against

nada. We talked strategies on how to handle nada's craziness. We

shared information to thwart nada trying to split us. It started

to feel like we were real sisters for a change. Now were are not

really speaking unless there is an emergency. I have learned that

I must protect myself from nada and little nada (sister). Neither

of them can or should be trusted.

Sheila

> > >

> > > I'd like to vent a little...

> > >

> > > I received an email from my sister last week that really got

to

> me,

> > > and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board,

but

> I

> > > think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

> > email,

> > > there was lots of blaming me for things, finger pointing, 'you

> > never

> > > do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be

good

> to

> > > ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of

> nonresponse.

> > > But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up

for

> > > myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

> > >

> > > I started the conversation having it be open, just

said, 'thought

> > you

> > > would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

> > reunited

> > > with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and b/c

of

> > > this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really

anything

> > > else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email. I

> said

> > > okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email works

> for

> > us

> > > as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she

said -

> and

> > > here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you

talk

> > so

> > > softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned

a

> > phone

> > > call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why

> can't

> > I

> > > just email you? "

> > > Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails "

Her-

> "

> > > XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

> > >

> > > Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of her

> > lungs

> > > at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she

wanted

> to

> > > through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held the

> > phone

> > > away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said,

stop

> > > yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well

you

> > say

> > > I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have

to

> > say

> > > either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the

things

> she

> > > said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you

> snapped

> > at

> > > our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding.

(i

> > > honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

> > selfish,

> > > it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask

about

> me,

> > > you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the

only

> > > family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my

> life,

> > no

> > > one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

> > screwing

> > > up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him

awful

> > > names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear

> from

> > > me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i

don't

> > > think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> > > husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you shouldn't

be

> > > asking about his mom you should be asking about your own

mother.

> Do

> > > you know she's been on medication for a year now and could

have a

> > > stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care

> about

> > > yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and

commute

> > and

> > > how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after

I

> > > initiate an email " ??

> > >

> > > I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but

she

> > > just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she

> came

> > to

> > > visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking really

> loud

> > > (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This

she

> > has

> > > held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to hang

up

> > on

> > > her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if i

> hung

> > > up it would continue.

> > >

> > > Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to

> work,

> > I

> > > think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life,

> click " .

> > > I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes

later

> > > crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have

to

> > > email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign

to

> > have

> > > a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all about

> you

> > > anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

> > agree,

> > > but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm

just

> > > saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an

> effort? "

> > > then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs

some

> > time

> > > to get over all this....

> > >

> > > I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think

she

> can

> > > just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't

have

> to

> > > be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so

much

> of

> > > when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt

so

> > > awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's through

my

> > > sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have put

a

> > call

> > > filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have no

> > > contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy

> siblings

> > > yell at them like this?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yelling and raging at someone IS A FORM OF ABUSE. That's really

tough to take, listening while someone rages at you. I would have

hung up on her the INSTANT the shouting began. My siblings have rage

problems like my nada too. I think listening to your gut instinct is

the only way to go here. If it FEELS good to you to stop all contact

just do it. Don't worry about nada/sister's confusion over your

decisions, just do what makes you feel relief and peace. You've

earned it girl! No regrets either... just do what you need to do.

>

> I'd like to vent a little...

>

> I received an email from my sister last week that really got to

me,

> and it upset me that I allowed it to. I'm new to this board, but I

> think you say that she has flea's, or BPD-like traits. In her

email,

> there was lots of blaming me for things, finger pointing, 'you

never

> do this, you don't do that...' Part of me knew it would be good

to

> ignore her comments, and reply with a surface type of

nonresponse.

> But the bigger part felt very strongly I wanted to stand up for

> myself and call her out on her attacking and hostile tone.

>

> I started the conversation having it be open, just said, 'thought

you

> would like to talk about what's been going on'. (I recently

reunited

> with my father who'd been out of the picture for 24yrs and b/c of

> this our nada's disowned me) She said there isn't really anything

> else she wanted to say, other what she'd said in her email. I

said

> okay, " well I wanted to mention that I don't think email works for

us

> as a way to commuciate, let's stick with the phone " . she said -

and

> here it begins- 'okay but you never return our calls and you talk

so

> softly we can't hear you'. Me " When have I ever not returned a

phone

> call? " Her " Oh, well not me but you never call Mom back, why can't

I

> just email you? "

> Me, " B/c sometimes I feel attacked when I read your emails " Her- "

> XHJIOJIOERIOHJ HIH IHIHIH "

>

> Just craziness. She was literally screaming at the top of her

lungs

> at me. At one point she told me that she was so mad she wanted to

> through the phone through her window. I stayed calm, held the

phone

> away while she was screaming, after it quieted down I said, stop

> yelling at me, I'm not going to listen to this. Her - " oh well you

say

> I can't email you but you dont' want to listen to what i have to

say

> either " Me " No, not when you are screaming " Some of the things

she

> said - you snapped at mom at my rehearsal dinner, then you snapped

at

> our aunt, then everyone heard you snap at mom at the wedding. (i

> honestly have NO idea what she is talking about) You are so

selfish,

> it's always about you, chris and the girls, you never ask about

me,

> you insult me you tell me i'm too loud. i'm going to be the only

> family you have left and i don't even want to have you in my life,

no

> one in the family is happy about what you are doing, you are

screwing

> up everything for me. she screamed about my dad, called him awful

> names said he was selfish, asked if he was even happy to hear from

> me, how could I do this...... I did say something like, 'i don't

> think i am selfish, I know I've recently asked you about your

> husbands mom " HER- " yeah and I didn't answer b/c you shouldn't be

> asking about his mom you should be asking about your own mother.

Do

> you know she's been on medication for a year now and could have a

> stroke at any minute, but you wouldnt' care b/c you only care

about

> yourself " . Me - " I know i've askd you about your job and commute

and

> how the house selling was going " . Her - " yeah but only after I

> initiate an email " ??

>

> I kept trying to get her to come back to a relevant point but she

> just kept bring up stuff from YEARS ago. I think one time she came

to

> visit me at my work about 8 yrs ago and she was talking really

loud

> (she is loud) and I said to her, keep your voice down. This she

has

> held onto and now throws in my face. I was so tempted to hang up

on

> her but I wanted this conversation to be the end and knew if i

hung

> up it would continue.

>

> Finally I had more than enough and said, " This isn't going to

work, I

> think you and I are done. " Her- " Fine have a nice life, click " .

> I was actually okay with that. She called back 10 minutes later

> crying, Her - " I " m trying to be the bigger person here, I have to

> email you b/c I can't talk about these things..if we're goign to

have

> a relationship it's gotta be 50/50, it can't just be all about you

> anymore. " Me- " I don't think it's been that away now, I don't

agree,

> but sorry you feel that way " . Her - " Well it HAS been, I'm just

> saying you need to ask about me " Me - " okay? I'll make an effort? "

> then she kind of babbled about she gets 'excited' and needs some

time

> to get over all this....

>

> I'm glad I stood up for myself, I'm glad she doesn't think she

can

> just say whatever she feels like to me, but I wish I didn't have

to

> be the subject of her rage in doing so. It reminded me so much of

> when I was a child and my mother would scream at us. It felt so

> awful to have to relive those awful rages of my nada's through my

> sister like that. I've blocked her email address and have put a

call

> filter on her phone numbers. I'm pretty certain I will have no

> contact with her for a long while. Anyone else have crazy

siblings

> yell at them like this?

>

>

>