Re: kind of long but please I need help

[Guest guest]

Yes, the feeling you describe of being torn between the love you have for your

mother and the pain she's caused you since you were a child is definitely

familiar to me, and I'm betting everyone else here can relate to it, too!

We understand what it's like. You're in the right place. Keep posting.

You might want to consider cutting back on contact with your mother until after

you have your baby. It IS okay for you to put yourself first in this situation.

You might also find, as many of us have, that in time the instinct to protect

your children is stronger than the bond you have with an abusive parent. I

didn't go NC until I saw my nada become verbally critical and abusive toward MY

son. For me, that was all it took, because I couldn't allow my sweet wonderful

son to be hurt by that disgusting woman the same way I was.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting!

S

kind of long but please I need help

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but

> she

> is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also

> pregnant

> so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father

> is

> severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is

> an

> alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out

> because i

> got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly

> moved in

> with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to

> treat

> her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story

> short, he

> kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year

> of

> high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of

> it),

> and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her,

> and

> basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the

> piercing

> and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news

> that

> my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was

> incredibly

> difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the

> chance

> to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister,

> and I

> haven't seen him in 4 years.

>

> My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of

> impulsive,

> childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to

> contact my

> stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me

> about

> it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but

> decided

> I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very

> sensitive at

> the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this

> being

> brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right

> now

> because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid

> of.

> So I told her she really should have talked to me about it

> first, and

> she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and

> when I

> said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed

> that

> no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She

> lies

> like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have

> spoken to

> me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

>

> And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though

> she

> has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family

> other

> than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that

> it

> was really herself that she did it for.)

>

> This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done

> recently,

> and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of

> my

> life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how

> I can

> limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely

> NC.

> It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my

> mother

> very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult

> for

> me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry

> for

> her in these types of situations, and making me look like the

> bad guy.

>

> Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've

> been

> dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have

> for

> my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a child.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe you could have your husband or SO be your " liason " between you

and your bpd-mom for the rest of your pregnancy? So, its just a

limited no-contact for you (or indirect low-contact) and you resume

contact after you give birth?

-Annie

>

> My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but she

> is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also pregnant

> so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father is

> severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is an

> alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out because i

> got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly moved in

> with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to treat

> her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story short, he

> kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

> high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of it),

> and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her, and

> basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the piercing

> and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news that

> my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

> difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the chance

> to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and I

> haven't seen him in 4 years.

>

> My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of impulsive,

> childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to contact my

> stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me about

> it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but decided

> I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very sensitive at

> the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this being

> brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid of.

> So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first, and

> she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and when I

> said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed that

> no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She lies

> like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have spoken to

> me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

>

> And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though she

> has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

> than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that it

> was really herself that she did it for.)

>

> This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done recently,

> and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of my

> life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I can

> limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely NC.

> It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

> very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult for

> me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry for

> her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad guy.

>

> Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

> dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have for

> my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a child.

>

[Guest guest]

In case you hadn't considered it, this could very well be a lie:

So my nada told me the other night that she

> contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> because he doesn't know he's adopted

>

> My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but she

> is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also pregnant

> so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father is

> severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is an

> alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out because i

> got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly moved in

> with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to treat

> her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story short, he

> kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

> high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of it),

> and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her, and

> basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the piercing

> and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news that

> my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

> difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the chance

> to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and I

> haven't seen him in 4 years.

>

> My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of impulsive,

> childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to contact my

> stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me about

> it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but decided

> I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very sensitive at

> the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this being

> brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid of.

> So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first, and

> she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and when I

> said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed that

> no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She lies

> like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have spoken to

> me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

>

> And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though she

> has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

> than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that it

> was really herself that she did it for.)

>

> This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done recently,

> and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of my

> life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I can

> limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely NC.

> It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

> very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult for

> me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry for

> her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad guy.

>

> Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

> dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have for

> my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a child.

>

[Guest guest]

---

I agree with Deanna, and also, it seems to me like this was your

nada's attempt to make you feel bad, maybe even rejection. She went

out of her way to create a situation so that she could come back and

tell you that people didn't want to talk to you. Ouch. That would

have hurt my feelings. AND, it's crazy to begin with for her to have

gotten into it.

You don't need any drama right now. I'd try to limit contact. Make

excuses (morning sickness?). She's trying to stir things up.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " vegdeanna "

wrote:

>

> In case you hadn't considered it, this could very well be a lie:

>

> So my nada told me the other night that she

> > contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> > because he doesn't know he's adopted

>

>

>

>

> >

> > My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but

she

> > is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> > stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also

pregnant

> > so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father

is

> > severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is

an

> > alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out

because i

> > got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly

moved in

> > with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to

treat

> > her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story

short, he

> > kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

> > high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of

it),

> > and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her,

and

> > basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the

piercing

> > and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> > going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news

that

> > my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

> > difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the

chance

> > to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and

I

> > haven't seen him in 4 years.

> >

> > My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of

impulsive,

> > childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to

contact my

> > stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me

about

> > it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but

decided

> > I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very

sensitive at

> > the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this

being

> > brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> > contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> > because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid

of.

> > So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first,

and

> > she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and

when I

> > said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed

that

> > no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She

lies

> > like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have

spoken to

> > me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

> >

> > And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though

she

> > has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

> > than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> > appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that

it

> > was really herself that she did it for.)

> >

> > This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done

recently,

> > and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of

my

> > life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I

can

> > limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> > effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely

NC.

> > It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> > brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

> > very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult

for

> > me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry

for

> > her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad

guy.

> >

> > Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

> > dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have

for

> > my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a

child.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think one of my biggest issues my entire life was about what you wrote

about-torn between the love you have for your mother and the pain and stress she

has caused you since you were a child.  No matter how mean, cruuel, rotten,

nasty, whatever my mother was to me I always found I was able to make excuses,

rationalize, justify, analyze,  even dismiss so that I could keep that image of

the nice mother only.  I wanted to have that " perfect " mother and that wonderful

mother-daughter relationship.  I would accept unacceptable behavior, risk my own

mental health (and as I'm reading other's posts -physical health), sacrifice my

own needs to meet her insatiable needs, listen for hours as she vented,

complained or just wanted to stay on the phone (regardless if I had other things

I would have much rather been doing than getting drained out emotionally) and

whatever it took to get my nada's approval,  nada's love, our nada's respect. 

I'm starting to

feel all my nada's attempts at being a caring mother were just manipulations,

brainwashing and whatever to get what she really wanted-me all to herself.  I

have been so cautious since I learned about bpd and I have been trying to keep

the conversations shorter, the contact less as I see so much now that I always

chose to blind myself to in the past.  It HURTS, it really hurts.  If I allow

myself to truly feel I would probably be sobbing 24-7.  I've always loved/hated

my mother-it's a horrible way to feel.  Both emotions are so intense.  It goes

against my very nature to be aloof and distant with my nada.  I want to be able

to share my life and feelings and everytime I ever did it got twisted and thrown

back at me or was told to someone else in a distorted fashion. It was like I

constantly fell into the trap and gave her the ammunition to kill me. 

You are pregnant and you need to focus on yourself .  Another thing I learned

was you can't stop your thoughts, but, you don't have to get stuck on them.  Let

the thoughts come and go-don't ruminate as it will wear you down and destroy

your spirit. Everything is always all about them and they are the victims and we

will always be the bad ones.  I think accepting that will be very painful but it

will stop you from suffering and from being confused.  Easier said than done,

but, it can make life for you a little less stressful.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 8, 2008 10:09:50 AM

Subject: Re: kind of long but please I need help

Maybe you could have your husband or SO be your " liason " between you

and your bpd-mom for the rest of your pregnancy? So, its just a

limited no-contact for you (or indirect low-contact) and you resume

contact after you give birth?

-Annie

>

> My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but she

> is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also pregnant

> so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father is

> severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is an

> alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out because i

> got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly moved in

> with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to treat

> her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story short, he

> kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

> high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of it),

> and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her, and

> basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the piercing

> and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news that

> my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

> difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the chance

> to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and I

> haven't seen him in 4 years.

>

> My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of impulsive,

> childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to contact my

> stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me about

> it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but decided

> I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very sensitive at

> the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this being

> brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid of.

> So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first, and

> she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and when I

> said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed that

> no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She lies

> like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have spoken to

> me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

>

> And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though she

> has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

> than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that it

> was really herself that she did it for.)

>

> This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done recently,

> and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of my

> life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I can

> limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely NC.

> It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

> very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult for

> me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry for

> her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad guy.

>

> Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

> dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have for

> my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a child.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. Everyone is so caring. Thank you for sharing your

stories as well. I've never felt so supported in all of this.

> >

> > My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but

she

> > is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

> > stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also

pregnant

> > so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father

is

> > severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is

an

> > alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out

because i

> > got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly

moved in

> > with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to

treat

> > her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story short,

he

> > kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

> > high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of

it),

> > and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her,

and

> > basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the

piercing

> > and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

> > going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news

that

> > my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

> > difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the

chance

> > to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and

I

> > haven't seen him in 4 years.

> >

> > My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of

impulsive,

> > childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to

contact my

> > stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me

about

> > it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but

decided

> > I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very

sensitive at

> > the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this

being

> > brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

> > contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

> > because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid

of.

> > So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first,

and

> > she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and

when I

> > said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed

that

> > no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She

lies

> > like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have spoken

to

> > me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

> >

> > And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though

she

> > has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

> > than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

> > appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that

it

> > was really herself that she did it for.)

> >

> > This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done

recently,

> > and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of

my

> > life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I

can

> > limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

> > effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely

NC.

> > It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

> > brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

> > very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult

for

> > me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry

for

> > her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad

guy.

> >

> > Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

> > dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have

for

> > my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a

child.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>