Re: I sent a card

[Guest guest]

Question: can you contact other members of your family like grandma

yourself, and have a relationship with them individually? Why did it

*all* " go down the drain? " Are they all rallying behind your dad?

(Is he the bpd, or is it your mom? I'm just trying to get the full

picture, here.)

Does your grandmother live in your dad's household? If not, why can't

you send her a card directly to her address? Or phone her and talk to

her?

Sure, there is going to be some polarizing when there are family

issues, Sister and I are experiencing that a little too, but maybe

there are second and third cousins or " the other " side of the family

that perhaps you could get to know better so you'd have some family to

hang out with. Just a suggestion... because yes, it is sad to be all

alone. (But I still prefer being alone to spending time with nada.)

-Annie

>

> I have been NC with my codependent dad since last Christmas and all the

> family went down the drain along with that. Well, yesterday I sent a

card to

> him to give to my grandma for Thanksgiving. I'm considering going LC

again

> with him and this is my first attempt to reach out though the thought of

> talking on the phone is a little draining to me, not sure I am ready for

> that. Just wanted to put it out there. NC has been so nice that I

guess I am

> hoping I could have some kind of contact with my family and not go crazy

> from it. Honestly, I am thinking lately that it couldn't have been

so bad

> and all those typical nice feelings that come from a long absense.

Was it

> really that bad? Am I justified in being NC? Wow, it seems like a big

> sacrifice to make to the BPD demons to give up on the whole family.

I'm also

> finding myself imagining my dad reading some of the books I have

read about

> BPD and him understanding my perspective. I know it will never be

the same

> again but I guess I am hoping for some sort of relationship. Am I going

> crazy? I don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to be so

alone

> in the world.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

---

GS,

You are justified in NC, if that's what you decide. You were horribly abused

and

neglected, so I just want to validate that.

It sounds like you're hoping for maybe a minor (?) relationship with your

father. Maybe

that is possible. Sounds like he was the caregiver. Maybe you should just

proceed slowly

and hope for a sliver of a relationship with him. My father, who was also the

caretaker

and codependent of Nada, was very passive and though he bitched about her some,

that

was about it. He wouldn't have read those books. He just said that she had to

have a fit,

and explode and that she got a release from it. I saw him only twice/year until

the last few

years of his life. And though I regret that to some extent, this was a result

of his choice to

be with nada, and my need to avoid her. Twice a year was all I could deal with.

Maybe you and your F could have a relationship where you do some of your cowboy

stuff,

just the two of you. Is there any way that might be possible?

I understand feeling alone.

Don't really have any answers, but I want to validate you and be supportive.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Girlscout Cowboy "

wrote:

>

> I have been NC with my codependent dad since last Christmas and all the

> family went down the drain along with that. Well, yesterday I sent a card to

> him to give to my grandma for Thanksgiving. I'm considering going LC again

> with him and this is my first attempt to reach out though the thought of

> talking on the phone is a little draining to me, not sure I am ready for

> that. Just wanted to put it out there. NC has been so nice that I guess I am

> hoping I could have some kind of contact with my family and not go crazy

> from it. Honestly, I am thinking lately that it couldn't have been so bad

> and all those typical nice feelings that come from a long absense. Was it

> really that bad? Am I justified in being NC? Wow, it seems like a big

> sacrifice to make to the BPD demons to give up on the whole family. I'm also

> finding myself imagining my dad reading some of the books I have read about

> BPD and him understanding my perspective. I know it will never be the same

> again but I guess I am hoping for some sort of relationship. Am I going

> crazy? I don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to be so alone

> in the world.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Girlscout,

First off, congradulations for going NC for almost a year now. I've

been NC about the same amount of time and I know how hard it is.

You should know that you are not alone. At a minimum, you have the

people in this group who know what you have gone through and what

you are currently going through. Just like you, I sometimes feel

very alone. That is why I am doing everything I can to build a

community outside my FOO. Since I was unhappy with not being able

to spend Thanksgiving with my FOO, I've coordinated my own

thanksgiving dinner with my close friends (who I now consider my

real family).

In my opinion, breaking NC should come when you are able to deal

with all of your father's shortcomings without having it effect

you. From what I've read, people with BPD hardly ever change.

Unless you have concrete evidence that he has changed, I'd be very

hesitant to believe that he has.

The holidays are a hard time for a lot of people. Breaking NC,

especially when you are feeling lonely, can be very dangerous.

Whatever you do, make sure to take care of yourself first.

Good luck,

-Rod

>

> I have been NC with my codependent dad since last Christmas and

all the

> family went down the drain along with that. Well, yesterday I sent

a card to

> him to give to my grandma for Thanksgiving. I'm considering going

LC again

> with him and this is my first attempt to reach out though the

thought of

> talking on the phone is a little draining to me, not sure I am

ready for

> that. Just wanted to put it out there. NC has been so nice that I

guess I am

> hoping I could have some kind of contact with my family and not go

crazy

> from it. Honestly, I am thinking lately that it couldn't have been

so bad

> and all those typical nice feelings that come from a long absense.

Was it

> really that bad? Am I justified in being NC? Wow, it seems like a

big

> sacrifice to make to the BPD demons to give up on the whole

family. I'm also

> finding myself imagining my dad reading some of the books I have

read about

> BPD and him understanding my perspective. I know it will never be

the same

> again but I guess I am hoping for some sort of relationship. Am I

going

> crazy? I don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to be

so alone

> in the world.

>

>

>