was Patterns...(all-good vs. all-bad), now nada's hospitalization

[Guest guest]

My nada is currently in the hospital for the millionth time. She

called me early this morning to let me know they moved her to yet

another room (so what?) and she had a problem during the night that

was resolved. Thanks for waking me up with this important news brief!

I had a long talk with my sister yesterday and we were talking about

nada and bpd. It's been such an enlightening time, learning that

there really is something WRONG and I'm not just an ungrateful child.

I think nada senses a change in my attitude. During this hospital

visit she has called me twice to make sure I did NOT come to the

hospital and visit her in case what she had was contagious! Well,

that takes care of several issues for her, doesn't it? She told me

that every nurse she has talked to has " agreed " that I shouldn't be

potentially exposed to her mysterious virus because I have a chronic

health problem. So what this really means is that she has told anyone

who crosses her path about what a sacrifice she is making because she

is " not allowing " her adult daughter to " be exposed " to whatever virus

she may or may not even have. Plus, she doesn't have to deal with the

possibility that I wouldn't have come and visited her in the first

damn place.

I can't help but suspect her with this illness. I mean, she cannot

give herself a virus, right? But here's the backstory. First, it's

almost Thanksgiving...she had a (minor) heart attack last

Thanksgiving. She and I have been on uneasy turf since her last blow

up at me when she went off in a tiny restaurant. Since that happened,

she has told me the physician's assistant she sees is " checking her

for cancer " because he recommended that she has a colonoscopy

(routine). Her bladder infection developed into a kidney infection.

When none of these increases in drama satisfied her attention seeking,

she became severely dehydrated and laid on the floor in a pool of her

own diarrhea and wouldn't get up. My dad called me to come help him

and I said he should call 911 instead. So she has been in the

hospital for the last 3 days and I'm just so tired of the whole show.

I mean, did she actually stop drinking water with her bladder

infection (or whatever the hell it is) to bring this on???? I feel

like I am really nuts for thinking this, poor old lady is really sick,

she has heart trouble, etc, etc.

I didn't intend on writing this much...I really needed to vent. I am

not a morning person any more, which she knows, so the phone woke me

up at 7:00 am and it was her with the latest report.

You know, the thing is that I feel so non-exsistant when she calls.

There is nothing there about me...no, " did I wake you? " or anything.

This is when I feel like I am nothing except a thing on the other end

of the phone for her to use to reflect back her self concerns.

Thanks all for being here. I appreciate so much that you will know

what I'm talking about...

April

>

> Oh reading your post hit lots of hot buttons in me.

> First of all I do think what Im doing is trying to control her

> behaviour.

> Seeing the whole thing as a complete waste of my time - is a

> different perspective lol

> How you describe your nada is so similiar to mine - yes she hates

> people who have a good sense of self and trashes them - like my

> sister with npd - she goes to town on her. She only likes victims

> and those she can pity. I realised that what my sister does

> to 'control' or manage her when she starts to rage - is she pretends

> to be sick and then my nada changes completely into this

> overprotective mentler who she can identify. I thought that my

> sister with npd was being so manipulative until I tried it recently

> and it worked a treat. My sister for example has had a cold for 2

> months and now a kidney infection. My nada is terrified of germs.

>

> I realise that probably subconsciously I was always getting sick to

> please her - theres a name for that I think - muchinhosen or

> something. She 'loves' me being sick and her being sick and she

> knows all the top specialists. I think she kinda likes being sick

> now cause she sees it as giving her power and attention.

>

> Im afraid of the standing up to my nada. If I do that I know I will

> be worse than dead. They will destroy me - thats how I feel. I feel

> the only escape is to manipulate my way out.

>

> Most of all the feeling that came up in me was 'how could I do that

> to my poor mother' thats my npd father speaking. But they are my

> feelings - my poor mother, who'd do anything for you, - the same one

> that wont allow me a life of my own or to achieve anything.

>

> I always wondered the reason why I couldnt get 'on with my life'

> apart from all the terror etc. The real underlying reason relates to

> what you said. If I achieve anything, do anything positive for

> myself, make money, look nice, get my hair done, buy something nice

> to wear, ANYTHING - Im trashed, put squarely back in my place and she

> becomes viscsious. The same with my npd father - if anything good

> happens for me he feels threathened and my place as his scapegoat is

> threathened, and he is afraid I will get out of his absolute

> control. On the other hand if what I do brings HIM NS or glory Im

> pushed that way - to do things I hate to make him happy or make him

> look good.

>

> God - just writing this out is great - I know Im just writing and

> writing, but its so helpful to express myself with people who 'get

> it'.

>

> It took most of the day to get past my panic and fears and to delouse

> from my mother - like I had sponged all her crap into me last night

> adn from my npd father yesterday as he was trying to contorl me and

> get all my attention as usual.

>

> Once I get them out of my head - I feel great - positive, happy,

> making plans for myself, looking forward to what I want.

>

> Theres no arguement really - I just have to get through this couple

> of months of my nadas illness and get the hell away for good, but

> without being scapegoated - no more of that - Im going to be clever

> for once and plan this.

>

> Thanks for your perspective, it helped!

> Im so afriad of the n and bl perspectives I know I have picked up

> from them too - anyone else like that? Afraid they'll be like THEM?

> Grace

>

>