Re: problems with bpd mother

[Guest guest]

---

You don't have to listen to her rants. Thank God she doesn't live with you.

Decide that

you will never be raged at again. It's your choice. You may want to not allow

her into your

home at all, or if she starts it, just leave. You are no longer at her mercy.

Start setting

limits. You don't have to explain it to her, although you can. You can

matter-of-factly

tell her that the next time she starts in on you, you're leaving or she's

leaving, or

whatever. And then enforce it. You can do it. And it is so wonderful. My

sister and I now

have limited contact with our nada, but I always have a plan in place to leave

if she starts

her shit. Last year when we visited her, we walked in the door after an 8 hour

drive. It was

very cold and I didn't think she'd want to go out. We had picked up some fast

food - she

only eats junk and we got what she liked. We walked in the door, handed it to

her, and

she immediately started in on how SHE (sarcastically) wanted to go out to dinner

- didn't

anyone ever consider that??? I said, to her matter-of-factly, " you know, we

don't have to

come here " and to my sister, " we're leaving. " My sister was just coming in the

door and

heard me say we were leaving. We left and headed for the motel. The next day

she called

and acted like nothing happened. I have decided I will NEVER again listen to

one of her

rants. That's why I refuse most phone calls. There is no reason to. Let her

rage to

someone else.

Welcome - you will find lots of support here. It is such a relief!!

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " petharmony10 " wrote:

>

> i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a constant

> misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

> horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always threatens

> to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

> she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

> furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2 hours,

> stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just stare

> at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves, doesn't

> call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after she

> leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

> alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

> again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to do

> so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get shot

> at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you are dealing with the pain so many of us have to face. I

agree with the other poster--start setting limits. It will make her

angrier (is that even possible with BPDS?) but it will help you feel

like you don't have to take it anymore.

I personally feel one of the worst things about BPD is the blaming.

Even though my head knows everything bad in the world is not my fault,

my heart doesn't agree. Many of us get the " blaming " all too well,

unfortunately.

I'm sorru you are dealing with this but you have found the right place.

I don't post all that often but I read daily and somehow it helps me

feel less alone and like I am not crazy--that crazy/bpd nadas DO exist

and it isn't me.

>

> i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a constant

> misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

> horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always threatens

> to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

> she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

> furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2 hours,

> stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just stare

> at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves, doesn't

> call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after she

> leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

> alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

> again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to do

> so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get shot

> at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.

>

[Guest guest]

i'm so sorry to read about the hell you are going through. but...you are not

alone! everybody here knows and understands. truly.

i find it helps me immensely just to read through the posts to see what others

are going through or have gone through - it makes me realise that it isn't me,

it's my nada that makes life crazy and awful. and do you know what - you do not

have to put up with your mothers rages. what advice woudl you give to a friend

going through the same thing? no doubt you'd tell them that they didn't have to

allow themselves to be out through the hell that is bpd. could you tell yourself

the same thing? perhaps try to set some limits around her visits. we tried

having my nada over once a week for dinner with the children, so that she felt

she wasn't missing out all together. that worked quite well for a while. my

husband always reminds me when i have to talk to my nada to say, " i'm sorry you

feel that way " when she is carrying on, and not to take any of it personally.

when they rant and rage it is the disease talking, not your mother. mind you i

find it ieasier said

than done to let it wash over me, especially when the attacks are so vitriolic

and spiteful, so exaggerated and without any sense of perspective.

best of luck to you, and keep writing & reading here. it has been my saving

grace since i joined only a week ago!!!!

b

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, December 21, 2008 11:42:31 AM

Subject: problems with bpd mother

i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a constant

misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always threatens

to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2 hours,

stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just stare

at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves, doesn't

call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after she

leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to do

so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get shot

at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.

[Guest guest]

Hugs to you petharmony. Sounds like your nada has successfully

broken your spirit. It's time to stand up and fight like a lion for

yourself.

I think you would benefit greatly from the help of a good therapist.

I think if you get a doctor's referral it will not strain you

financially. You might have to do a bit of research on this one but

PLEASE invest the time to get an experienced BPD therapist somehow.

This is serious stuff.

Also, your boundaries are NON-exist it seems at this point. Which is

understable considering the abusive nature of your upbringing. It's

imperative that you IMMEDIATELY start with boundaries here. Tell

your nada that under NO TERMS will SHE EVER be moving in with you,

and under NO TERMS will you allow her to raise her voice to you

AGAIN, EVER. She's going to test you petharmony, and you must be

STRONG like a lion and enforce your boundary by cutting her off.

Don't even be near her physically until she is able to behave

calmly. You may want to consider a period of enforced NO CONTACT

with her until you gain the skills necessary to set boundaries.

Remember, what right does she have to rage at you whenever she feels

like it? None, she has no right.

Please continue researching BPD. " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " was very helpful to me. Surrounding yourself with kind,

supportive, healthy people is also very important. DO you have a

strong network of friends or family? If you don't there are a lot of

ways to begin forging new friendships for the future... on another

thread maybe we can all discuss practical strategies for this.

FEAR, obligation, and guilt. It seems your are almost catatonic with

fear of your mother. You must start to overcome this feeling, I know

it's easier said than done. Think of her as a school yard bully,

because that is about how pathetic she really is. Why should you sit

and let a bully terrorize you? You have the power to change this.

Borderline's bank on the fact that they have enormous control over

us by using fear tactics. If you don't allow her this power and stop

being afraid of her, you can overcome this torment. Think of how

truly sick she is that she would terrorize her own daughter. Not

healthy!

I feel for you petharmony, I too had horrible, raging bullies in my

family. I stopped the abuse, and took control. The beauty of this is

that we're no longer helpless children. We are grown adults with

real power, and rights. It's high time you LEARN HOW to take

control. Please keep sharing, this board is full of insight and

practical advice.

Remember: Good therapist, good friends/family, and being good to

yourself.

>

> i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a

constant

> misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

> horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always

threatens

> to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

> she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

> furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2

hours,

> stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just

stare

> at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves,

doesn't

> call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after

she

> leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

> alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

> again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to

do

> so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get

shot

> at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi petharmony10,

I'm so sorry you have been going through this. You are in the right place

for some support.

We have to first see our nadas for what they are ....

They are mentally ill. We didn't cause them to be, they just came that way.

We can't fix them, either. When she is dredging up the past and screaming

at you as the source of her problems she is projecting. She is busy trying

to use you to make herself feel better. She is trying to get relief for all

her self-loathing, lack of self-esteem, and fear of being abandoned.

Part of what we as non-bpd's have to figure out are boundaries. Boundaries

are hard to learn when you are raised by someone who doesn't know what

healthy boundaries are and trounces all over your personal

space/rights/business.

How does your nada get in your house? You don't have to let her into your

home if you don't want to. You can set the rules. You can tell her she may

only come over when she is invited. You can tell her the consequence if she

comes over uninvited is that you will not see her for a week (timeout) and

if she causes a scene you will call the police. I bet she would think twice

about doing it a second time if she saw how serious you are. I bet she

wouldn't like to be approached by the police for creating a disturbance.

Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she is entitled to treat you

badly. Would you let anyone else on the planet do that to you? Then why

let her do it?

One thing I find helpful is that my nada only has my cell phone number. IF

she ever found out my home number I would change it immediately. This way,

I can turn my cell phone off if I don't want her calling. I don't have

voicemail because she used to fill it up with all kinds of ugliness that I

used to feel compelled to listen to. Now she can't leave nasty message

monologues! it is very frustrating for her, but a great relief to me. I

have set her personal ring tone to " silent " , that way if I need my phone on,

i don't have to hear it ringing off the hook!

We can choose when and how often to allow our nadas to talk to us. I will

choose to spend time with my nada based on how well she treats me. If she

is mean, critical, abusive, etc she goes into timeout for a week. the last

thing my nada wants is to be cut off. it is the only " weapon " i have, and I

am using it to protect myself.

Good luck with your situation. Keep us posted!!!

K

On Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 7:42 PM, petharmony10 wrote:

> i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a constant

> misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

> horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always threatens

> to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

> she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

> furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2 hours,

> stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just stare

> at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves, doesn't

> call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after she

> leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

> alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

> again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to do

> so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get shot

> at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm new to the group as well and I identified with alot of what you shared about

your relationship with your nada.  I lived 2 hours away from my nada for most of

my life (the past 7 years she lives about 20 minutes from me).  Even with that

distance between us she still managed to make my life miserable .  She would

always begin her calls telling me about every neighbor's child that was visiting

their parents, so and so just pulled up with boxes from the bakery, someone

else's child was planting flowers for their mother, someone else was taking

their parent's out to dinner (always making me feel guilty and rotten).  Then

she would start her speeches about the neighbors and what terrible mothers they

were to their children and how she sacrificed everything, did everything, blah,

blah, blah and this is what she gets from life.  I dreaded the week-ends and I

hated the phone.  I believed everything and never ever got off the phone feeling

good about

myself.  If I said I was doing something, like going to a movie, she would say

" i wish i was going to the movies. "   I felt guilty doing anything....always

thinking how my mother woulkd enjoy this and I found I couldn't find pleasure in

anything. And I did visit often and those visits were generally filled with

those " speeches " of hers where she would go on and on for hours bringing up

everything I had ever done from the time I was five years old, compare me to

everyone else's child, and basically verbally abuse me and my father. I can

visulaize it -my father and I sat in two chairs in the living room (he always

told me to not respond, just sit there and let her words slide off like water on

a duck's back-his favorite line was " don't rock the boat " ).  We both basically

gazed off, never looking at her directly, and often staring at the floor or into

space like two people on thorazine..  The hardest part for me to understand is

why I just did not

leave.  I wasn't a child-i was in my 30's at that time.  I had a car, I really

didn't have to take it anymore, but, I couldn't leave.  I used to feel like in

some way I was protecting my father because if I had stormed out I knew he would

face the raging lunatic she would become after my departure. Then as you wrote

the next day she'd want to go out with me.  Let's go shopping, go to lunch,

whatever.  I was happy she was back to the " normal " mother so off we went like

nothing ever happened.  This is how I had lived my life for as long as I can

remember.  I questioned things, felt knots in my stomach, felt things weren't

right, but, somehow I blocked out the bad, just happy for the good.  I lived my

life this way with so many relationships.  Everytime I returned to my own

apartment I, too, would be sick for days, cry constantly, feel so bad for my

poor mother, feel so bad for my father, try to figure out ways to make it all

better and basically

obsessed on them all the time.  I also had nightmares, i abused alcohol and

drugs, I hated myself and didn't want to live. Just when I'd start to feel like

my old self again another family crises or drama would suck me in and I'd be

right back in that awful place of self loathing. My mother wasn't much of a

driver so fortunately for me i didn't have to worry about her showing up on my

doorstep (even now when she lives so near).  But, worse yet, I drove 2 hours for

the abuse and usually stayed longer than I planned.  And I don't mean hours-i

mean days sometime into weeks.  There was never any escaping-if she couldn't

phone me at home, she'd phone my job, my friends, property manager, her sister

or relatives so they could all try to reach me (and also lecture  me how I have

my mother so worried and you should phone her, etc., etc.).  Recently because I

didn't call her on a Sunday before noon like I usually did she phoned everyone I

knew claiming she

thought my SO burned our place down with the woodstove (because she thinks he's

stupid and doesn't know anything).  My friends contact me telling me how worried

your mother is and I know there is no sense in ever explaining to anyone that

she really wasn't worried, it's just another nada drama.  Poor nada, her

inconsiderate daughter.  She didn't get an answer when she called once or twice(

 she was already into one of her rages and that is why she was phoning-to vent)

)and  she couldn't possibly think I was outside, in the shower, downstairs or

whatever.  It had to be some big drama and everyone had to know about it.  I

went through that my whole life too and so many people got involved on her

behalf and i was always the inconsiderate daughter causing my mother so much

worry. I could go on and on......

You say you sit like a duck...waiting to get shot at.  I understand and I wonder

what you can do to not feel like a " sitting duck " .  What if you just didn't

answer your doorbell or open your door.  That may be really hard (not sure if I

could do it). 

What if you explained to her that you want her to come when you invite her, not

when she just feels like showing up at your doorstep.  I am sure this will get

her very angry, but, maybe it's a baby step for you.  If she chooses not to

respect what you said and shows up anyway could you just not let her in?  I know

my nada would escalate her behavior and I wouldn't even begin to know what she

would do if I tried doing that to her. 

Since learning about bpd (6-7 months ago) I've been having less contact with my

nada (although we still speak almost daily).  I'm in my late 50's and she's 85

and I want to check in since she has noone else, yet, most of the time I wish I

hadn't phoned as I never feel good after I hang up.  I'm trying to limit time on

the phone (my check-up calls can go on for an hour and then I'm drained) and I

get nasty remarks or click in the ear when I say i want to get off the phone. 

The only difference is I'm learning not to get myself upset, angry or

depressed-i try to blow off the calls, her words, or anything negative as best

as i can. It still effects me, of course, but, not as intensely as it always did

in the past.  She will go on and on how she is lonely, disgusted. how my father

was horrible to her and never did anything with her,  how she never leaves the

apartment (because she is dependent on me) , etc..  I found options for her

-senior citizen

center, another once a week group, etc.. I spent hours researching (for the 2nd

time) gave her the info, the contact person's name and phone number.  She finds

excuses, puts it back on me (like would you go to a senior center or would you

go on a bus to go to grocery store) and tries to say that the daughter is

supposed to do these things. I know I have my hands full and if I try to think

ahead I could really get depressed so I take one day at a time. My entire life

has been " all about my mother " and I'll be 58 and I want it to be all about me

for a change.

You should not have to put up with her threats, her inappropriate behavior  or

making you feel like you are constatnly on edge waiting for the next episode

with " mommie dearest " ..  I would suggest you keep reading other's posts on how

they deal with their nadas and maybe you too will be able to make some changes

for yourself..  Don't waste your life living that way.  I have been there and

wish I had learned all of this in my 20's.  Good luck to you

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, December 20, 2008 7:42:31 PM

Subject: problems with bpd mother

i'm new to the group. i have a bpd mother who makes my life a constant

misery. i never know whats going to set her off, she calls me

horrible things, blames me for all her problems, and always threatens

to disappear. i'm 40 years old, and she doesn't live with me, but

she constantly threats to move in, when i go silent, she becomes

furious. she says she'll corner me in the house, scream for 2 hours,

stuff from when i was 6, 15, 25, no age is off limits. i just stare

at the floor and try to avoid eye contact. then she leaves, doesn't

call for days, then calls and acts like it never happened. after she

leaves, i usually get sick for a few days, have nightmares and cry

alot. as soon as i start feeling better, she shows on my doorstep

again. i would move in a heartbeat, but i'm not in a position to do

so financially. so i just sit here like a duck, waiting to get shot

at again. i hope someones out there who can give me some support.