Re: She couldn't help herself

[Guest guest]

Did you ever watch the old Price movie " The Pit and the

Pendulum " ? That's how my therapist described this behavior.

Sometimes the Pendulum swings to the right and you're " good " but

other times it swings to the left and you're " bad " . But a lot of the

time, at least for me, it feels like I'm the guy strapped to the

table watching it swing lower and hoping it doesn't start cutting my

tummy! It's up to you whether you contact her. I try following my

therapist's advice and keep it short and nice, and have an excuse to

get off the phone (or leave her house) the second she starts getting

mean. And I try to not let the mean words soak in because 99.9% of

the time there's no reason for it and I know it. Though that can be

hard.

No matter what, have yourself a wonderful Christmas and know your

nada's mean words don't have anything to do with you or who you are.

>

> So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA for

> about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but get

> only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October, and

she

> just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I wanted

to

> be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

>

> This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from her.

It

> said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom. Wanted to

> wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I hope

u

> r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

>

> Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are the

> kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial things.

But

> they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that it's

> okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get a

> scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical

behavior,

> but I still don't get it!

>

> I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost thought

> about responding my sayign something short and sweet like " thanks,

> Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

>

> Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

>

> Insight is appreciated.

>

> Thanks,

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Our nadas are mentally ill.

They have unpredictable, erratic mood swings. They have inappropriate

rages and/or hysterics. They sometimes even have mini-psychotic

episodes: brief, transient breaks with reality. The hallmark

characteristic of this mental illness is " a pattern of unstable and

intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating

between extremes of idealization and devaluation. "

We have to stop *expecting* them to think and feel and behave like

mentally healthy people. They aren't capable of being consistent or

logical.

To paraphrase what another member posted earlier: no matter what your

mentally ill mother says or thinks about you (one minute you are her

" golden girl " , the next minute you are the " scum of the earth " ) that

has absolutely nothing to do with who you are what you are.

What my Sister and I are going to try, when and if we re-establish

contact, is to reward good behavior with contact, and cut off contact

for bad behavior. It might work, it might not, but we're going to try

this and try to be consistent with it. So, if we were in your

position, a simple text-mesage reply like you were thinking of sending

would be our response as well. So far, however, our nada has not yet

accepted ownership of her last and most hurtfully insulting outburst

(which was 6 months ago, now! How time flies!) and since nada has not

yet admitted having said those things or apologized, Sister and I are

still basically in " no contact " mode with nada.

Best of luck with managing your nada.

-Annie

>

> So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA for

> about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but get

> only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October, and she

> just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I wanted to

> be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

>

> This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from her. It

> said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom. Wanted to

> wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I hope u

> r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

>

> Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are the

> kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial things. But

> they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that it's

> okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get a

> scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical behavior,

> but I still don't get it!

>

> I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost thought

> about responding my sayign something short and sweet like " thanks,

> Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

>

> Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

>

> Insight is appreciated.

>

> Thanks,

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your advice. I've decided not to respond at all. And if

any of my family members ask me why I didn't respond (like my sister)

I will say I never recieved nada's text message. I hate lying, but

I just don't want to deal with this right now.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA for

> > about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but

get

> > only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October, and

she

> > just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I

wanted to

> > be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

> >

> > This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from her.

It

> > said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom. Wanted

to

> > wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I

hope u

> > r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

> >

> > Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are

the

> > kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial things.

But

> > they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that

it's

> > okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get a

> > scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical

behavior,

> > but I still don't get it!

> >

> > I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost thought

> > about responding my sayign something short and sweet

like " thanks,

> > Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

> >

> > Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

> >

> > Insight is appreciated.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo, I had some thoughts on why your nada might have contacted you like

this out

of the blue. With my nada, she will often contact me in this happy friendly

manner when

she is compelled to try and prove she is a 'good' mother and has done nothing

wrong, and

I the mean and hateful one. It happens especially when she encounters someone

she

doesn't know very well; or perhaps a family member she has split white at the

moment,

who asks her how I'm doing. For example--if she goes to a hair dresser who once

did my

hair, or runs into an old neighbor who knew her children growing up, etc. It

could also

happen if she was talking to a close friend or family member about how 'bad' I

am and

how hurt she is by me that I treat her poorly...after such a conversation she

might then

feel the need to show how 'good' she is by sending a 'nice' friendly

communication.

There have also been times when I've had a new boyfriend/fiancee that she wanted

to get

closer to and 'claim' for her own, so she would try to merge with me in a flurry

of contact.

Whenever these contacts occur, it's important to get that they are in no way

linked to any

real concern for your well being. They are always nada trying to get

something--and get

it by making you hurt, or otherwise uncomfortable.

It was hard for me to comprehend for quite some time that nada's messages were

trying

to get something, and were not actual communication or concern for my well

being. But

recently I went through a couple of experiences where communication would really

have

been called for--the death of a close in-law and some other occasions--and nada

was

nowhere to be found. It was then I really began to understand that her messages

were

always ever only linked to a need of hers.

Hope this helps illuminate a bit.

Charlie

>

> So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA for

> about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but get

> only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October, and she

> just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I wanted to

> be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

>

> This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from her. It

> said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom. Wanted to

> wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I hope u

> r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

>

> Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are the

> kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial things. But

> they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that it's

> okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get a

> scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical behavior,

> but I still don't get it!

>

> I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost thought

> about responding my sayign something short and sweet like " thanks,

> Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

>

> Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

>

> Insight is appreciated.

>

> Thanks,

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Charlie,

Yes, you do make a LOT of sense! I knew something was up with this

nice little message she sent, especially since she was so evil to me

just recently when I tried to be nice and contact her.

Personally, I think you are right, but I also believe that deep

down, NADA feels bad about being a heinous bitch and wanted to say

something to be geniuniely nice to make HER feel better.

I do believe guilt makes you do random things sometimes.

So she doesn't care about me at all, just cares about herself, how

she appears to others, and how she feels. Doesn't give a shit about

me.

I'm not upset about this, but I am not giving in to her little TRAP.

Isn't it sick how such a nice, normal sounding messages as the one

she sent me would be GREAT coming from most mothers, but it is

POISON when it comes from our NADAS?

I'm avoiding the trap. Not even telling anyone else about it. You

guys know, and my husband knows. If anyone asks me about it, I will

pretend to have no idea what they are talking about. Text MessagE?

What text message?

~Sara Jo

> >

> > So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA

for

> > about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but

get

> > only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October,

and she

> > just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I

wanted to

> > be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

> >

> > This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from

her. It

> > said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom. Wanted

to

> > wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I

hope u

> > r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

> >

> > Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are

the

> > kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial things.

But

> > they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that

it's

> > okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get

a

> > scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical

behavior,

> > but I still don't get it!

> >

> > I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost thought

> > about responding my sayign something short and sweet

like " thanks,

> > Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

> >

> > Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

> >

> > Insight is appreciated.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dito ... the helpless thing is just crap.

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[Guest guest]

---

Sara Jo,

I agree with Charlie. I also would encourage you to consider a

mattter-of-fact, nonchalant, " I'd rather not discuss it, let's change

the subject " type response when someone asks. I says this b/c

whoever is asking is likely nada's messenger (triangulating), and

nada may really believe you didn't get the message.

You've made awesome progress in not letting her get to you, and

not " taking the bait. " Pat yourself on the back.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Sara Jo "

wrote:

>

> Hey Charlie,

>

> Yes, you do make a LOT of sense! I knew something was up with this

> nice little message she sent, especially since she was so evil to

me

> just recently when I tried to be nice and contact her.

> Personally, I think you are right, but I also believe that deep

> down, NADA feels bad about being a heinous bitch and wanted to say

> something to be geniuniely nice to make HER feel better.

>

> I do believe guilt makes you do random things sometimes.

>

> So she doesn't care about me at all, just cares about herself, how

> she appears to others, and how she feels. Doesn't give a shit about

> me.

>

> I'm not upset about this, but I am not giving in to her little

TRAP.

>

> Isn't it sick how such a nice, normal sounding messages as the one

> she sent me would be GREAT coming from most mothers, but it is

> POISON when it comes from our NADAS?

>

> I'm avoiding the trap. Not even telling anyone else about it. You

> guys know, and my husband knows. If anyone asks me about it, I will

> pretend to have no idea what they are talking about. Text MessagE?

> What text message?

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA

> for

> > > about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but

> get

> > > only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October,

> and she

> > > just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I

> wanted to

> > > be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

> > >

> > > This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from

> her. It

> > > said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom.

Wanted

> to

> > > wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I

> hope u

> > > r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

> > >

> > > Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are

> the

> > > kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial

things.

> But

> > > they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that

> it's

> > > okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get

> a

> > > scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical

> behavior,

> > > but I still don't get it!

> > >

> > > I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost

thought

> > > about responding my sayign something short and sweet

> like " thanks,

> > > Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

> > >

> > > Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

> > >

> > > Insight is appreciated.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo and Joanna! {{{{Sara Jo}}}}}...and as for text messages (and also

emails), there's

really no guarantee that either of them are ever delivered. that can work to

your

advantage; though i don't advocate lying directly.

Sara Jo I think that you see it as a 'trap', the message, because nada is trying

to get you to

participate in her abuse--to *help* her abuse you. If you write back to her in

gratitude for

the nice message, then it's like you're giving her permission to deny any bad

things she

may have done in the past. Because the purpose of the message may be to do

that, as I

said. You would be helping her to act 'good' even though she isn't. And also,

if you w/b,

you are letting her control when communication happens.

For a long time after I knew of bpd, I would write back whenever my nada wrote

to me. I

was trying to keep her from getting upset, to 'handle' her to avoid certain

results. She

knew that, and played it. Whenever she felt like it, she could just erupt about

something,

and I would have to try to talk her out of it. Any email, at any time, could be

a crazy scary

one, accusing me of 'hating' her, 'ignoring' her, being 'angry' with her...or it

could just be a

normal nice one, like the text you describe. It was not really based in

reality, except for

that weird loose way that nada's have of tacking onto 'almost truths' that are

our sensitive

spots and trying to 'get to us'. It is also about control. Nadas very much

like to feel they

can *force* us to email whenever they want. They very much want to annihilate

and

overcome their childrens' will.

For a couple of years I stayed in touch with her by email, responding whenever

she

wanted. But then as I learned more and more about bpd, and realized there was

no real

communication going on, and that the harm to me was greater than the help, I

stopped

replying to her much of the time. When (predictably) her messages got crazier

and

crazier, I stopped replying to them all together. WHen they got even crazier, I

stopped

reading them. When they got even more abusive, and weird, I just blocked them.

I worry

now sometimes that important family news is not getting through to me; but for

now, it's

a small price to pay.

So, yes, it IS a trap--and you don't have to feel bad for not replying. I think

that on a

moral and spiritual level, it's actually MORE loving not to reply--because

you're not

helping her do something bad, something undignified.

--Charlie

> > > >

> > > > So as some of you know, I've been pretty much NC with my NADA

> > for

> > > > about a year now. I've tried contacting her a couple times, but

> > get

> > > > only nasty responses. The last attempt I made was in October,

> > and she

> > > > just sent me an email tellig me to leave her alone unless I

> > wanted to

> > > > be " genuine " with her, blah blah blah.

> > > >

> > > > This morning, I recieved a text message on my cell from from

> > her. It

> > > > said: Hi Sarrey (this is her nickname for me) its ir mom.

> Wanted

> > to

> > > > wish u a merry christmas. I love u and i miss you very much. I

> > hope u

> > > > r always smiling. have a wonderful holiday "

> > > >

> > > > Now, in my previous attempts to communicate with her, those are

> > the

> > > > kinds of things I would say to her. Nice things, cordial

> things.

> > But

> > > > they were always thrown back at me. What makes her think that

> > it's

> > > > okay for her to try and make nice , but when i attempt it I get

> > a

> > > > scathing response? I know it's the BPD and this is typical

> > behavior,

> > > > but I still don't get it!

> > > >

> > > > I haven't responded and I don't think I should. I almost

> thought

> > > > about responding my sayign something short and sweet

> > like " thanks,

> > > > Merry Christmas to you too. Love, Sara Jo " .

> > > >

> > > > Not sure that will work. I know it must be a trap.

> > > >

> > > > Insight is appreciated.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > > Sara Jo

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Great answer Charlie!!!!!!

Laurie

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