Re: Alone on Thanksgiving?

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you are having an attack of low self-esteem, but your

boyfriend obviously thinks well of you, and believes that you would

fit in at his parent's home for Thanksgiving. That's very positive!

When you feel anxious and out of place, sometimes it helps to focus on

how the other people there are thinking and feeling, instead of

focusing on your own anxieties so much. For example, if you turn your

attention on making your boyfriend's mother feel great, they are all

going to love you! I don't mean be fakey about it, what I mean is

find something you truly like about her home and compliment it. Or ask

her about a recipe that you are enjoying. Or ask your boyfriend's dad

for a funny story about your boyfriend as a child, that will probably

delight them. Maybe they have a dog, and if you like dogs you can talk

to them about their dog and tell them about your dog. The idea is to

show genuine interested in them, to use the opportunity to get to know

them, and in the process you will become more at ease around them.

An added bonus of getting them to talk about themselves, their

interests and activities and their family stories is that it will

lessen the amount of time they can spend grilling you about your family.

Maybe you can talk about this with your boyfriend ahead of time. Let

him know that you want to go, but are feeling a little anxious and

why. If you feel close to your boyfriend and you trust him, surely he

will be willing to help you do some strategic conversation planning,

have a game-plan in place so you can better enjoy your visit with his

family.

-Annie

>

> I have been in a rut lately, allowing nadas drama to really take a

> toll on me emotionally...I am now running into the question of what

> to do on Thanksgiving. For every holiday in the last few years, she

> has forced a different new man on us, and sometimes even his family.

> This Thanksgiving, she has a new boyfriend (after a messy breakup

> with her ex about three weeks ago) and he is coming to dinner at her

> house. I feel like its an intrusion on our family, (which consists

> of nada, my nana and papa and my 11 and 18 year old brothers) as

> always, and I'm beginning to get fed up with it. Honestly, I don't

> want to go to dinner at her house if he is there, because I am not at

> all comfortable with her forcing a new guy on us again, and on a

> holiday nonetheless. My other options are to spend Thanksgiving

> alone, or to go to my boyfriend's aunt's house, where I feel equally

> uncomfortable. His family is very " normal " and has a big, fancy

> family dinner around a nice formal dining table and I'm not used to

> all of that. I grew up poor and bounced around all over the city

> with my nada...Basically in a completely different world than my

> boyfriend. He has lived in the same house in the suburbs his whole

> life, and basically had a storybook childhood. I always feel like his

> family can see right through me...Like they're a different, " better "

> kind of people than what I come from. I'm beginning to feel like

> I'll never fit in. So really I just wish I could just sleep through

> Thanksgiving and forget all about it.

>

[Guest guest]

DO you have any friends who don't have plans???You can invite them over and just

have a nice, peaceful, stress-free holiday amongst yourselves. Why should you be

miserable???? Just tell your boyfriend to come over when he is done with his

family and as far as your mother goes, tell

 her you are going to make it at your house for some friends who have no place

to go and if she gets mad, oh well.......

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 1:44:32 PM

Subject: Alone on Thanksgiving?

I have been in a rut lately, allowing nadas drama to really take a

toll on me emotionally. ..I am now running into the question of what

to do on Thanksgiving. For every holiday in the last few years, she

has forced a different new man on us, and sometimes even his family.

This Thanksgiving, she has a new boyfriend (after a messy breakup

with her ex about three weeks ago) and he is coming to dinner at her

house. I feel like its an intrusion on our family, (which consists

of nada, my nana and papa and my 11 and 18 year old brothers) as

always, and I'm beginning to get fed up with it. Honestly, I don't

want to go to dinner at her house if he is there, because I am not at

all comfortable with her forcing a new guy on us again, and on a

holiday nonetheless. My other options are to spend Thanksgiving

alone, or to go to my boyfriend's aunt's house, where I feel equally

uncomfortable. His family is very " normal " and has a big, fancy

family dinner around a nice formal dining table and I'm not used to

all of that. I grew up poor and bounced around all over the city

with my nada...Basically in a completely different world than my

boyfriend. He has lived in the same house in the suburbs his whole

life, and basically had a storybook childhood. I always feel like his

family can see right through me...Like they're a different, " better "

kind of people than what I come from. I'm beginning to feel like

I'll never fit in. So really I just wish I could just sleep through

Thanksgiving and forget all about it.

[Guest guest]

& #65007; & #65007;

> & #65007; & #65007;

 His family is very " normal " and has a big, fancy & #65007; & #65007;

> family dinner around a nice formal dining table and I'm not used to

& #65007; & #65007;

> all of that.  I grew up poor and bounced around all over the city

& #65007; & #65007;

> with my nada...Basically in a completely different world than my

& #65007; & #65007;

> boyfriend.  He has lived in the same house in the suburbs his whole

& #65007; & #65007;

> life, and basically had a storybook childhood. I always feel like his

& #65007; & #65007;

> family can see right through me...Like they're a different, " better "

& #65007; & #65007;

> kind of people than what I come from.  I'm beginning to feel like

& #65007; & #65007;

> I'll never fit in. & #65007; & #65007;

& #65007; & #65007;I can totally identify with this. I frequently feel

uncomfortable

around the healthy families of my friends. I think it goes back to

that " just world fallacy " . You, know that everybody gets what they

deserve in life. You were badly treated by your mother, and so you feel

that you've done something to deserve it, you expect others to treat

you badly, and you feel uncomfortable when you are  treated decently.

& #65007; & #65007; & #65007; & #65007;It reminds me of something that I read in a

book; I think it

was " Chosen by a Horse " , but I could be wrong. Anyway, the writer

relates that she and a friend (like herself, from an abusive

household), went to have dinner at the house of another friend, who had

a normal, loving family. After a pleasant evening, they left, and she

remarked to her friend that watching that family interact was like

watching aliens or another species.

& #65007; & #65007; & #65007; & #65007;My advice to you is to realize that you deserve

to enjoy the holidays.

Go to your boyfriend's family's house, hang in the background and

observe. Enjoy the feeling that you can be relaxed; you won't be

attacked and nothing bad is going to happen. When you feel comfortable,

come out of the background and engage a little. You have nothing to

feel ashamed of. The yardstick that you're using to measure yourself,

the one from your family of origin, is faulty. Get a new yardstick

[Guest guest]

Thank you. You hit the nail right on the head. I hope someday I can

truly feel like part of his family, and we can have a family of our

own that is just as happy and healthy. I am determined for my son,

who is coming in February, to have a happy childhood similar to his

father's. When I am able to separate in my head the circumstances I

could not control from those that I have been able to control, I find

that I have made some very good decisions, and I have not allowed

myself to be a negative product of my upbringing. The next step is

to use that positive thinking to measure my worth, instead of

measuring it with things that I could never control, and that are

over and done with. You're right...I do need a new yardstick.

& #65007; & #65007;

> > & #65007; & #65007;

>  His family is very " normal " and has a big, fancy & #65007; & #65007;

> > family dinner around a nice formal dining table and I'm not used

to & #65007; & #65007;

> > all of that.  I grew up poor and bounced around all over the city

& #65007; & #65007;

> > with my nada...Basically in a completely different world than my

& #65007; & #65007;

> > boyfriend.  He has lived in the same house in the suburbs his

whole & #65007; & #65007;

> > life, and basically had a storybook childhood. I always feel like

his & #65007; & #65007;

> > family can see right through me...Like they're a

different, " better " & #65007; & #65007;

> > kind of people than what I come from.  I'm beginning to feel like

& #65007; & #65007;

> > I'll never fit in. & #65007; & #65007;

> & #65007; & #65007;I can totally identify with this. I frequently feel

uncomfortable

> around the healthy families of my friends. I think it goes back to

> that " just world fallacy " . You, know that everybody gets what they

> deserve in life. You were badly treated by your mother, and so you

feel

> that you've done something to deserve it, you expect others to

treat

> you badly, and you feel uncomfortable when you are  treated

decently.

>

> & #65007; & #65007; & #65007; & #65007;It reminds me of something that I

read in a book; I think it

> was " Chosen by a Horse " , but I could be wrong. Anyway, the writer

> relates that she and a friend (like herself, from an abusive

> household), went to have dinner at the house of another friend, who

had

> a normal, loving family. After a pleasant evening, they left, and

she

> remarked to her friend that watching that family interact was like

> watching aliens or another species.

>

> & #65007; & #65007; & #65007; & #65007;My advice to you is to realize that

you deserve to enjoy the holidays.

> Go to your boyfriend's family's house, hang in the background and

> observe. Enjoy the feeling that you can be relaxed; you won't be

> attacked and nothing bad is going to happen. When you feel

comfortable,

> come out of the background and engage a little. You have nothing to

> feel ashamed of. The yardstick that you're using to measure

yourself,

> the one from your family of origin, is faulty. Get a new

yardstick

>