Waking up

[Guest guest]

Sorry so long but...

So I have been away for a couple of days because I have allowed

Nada's actions to make me completely shut down. I am back now though

and would like to share my last week. I posted earlier that my Nada

moved less than 5 miles from me about 2 1/2 months ago now. What I

neglected to say is what led up to that choice. She had

an " accidental " house fire that could not be proven to be arson. She

lived in this crappy little tin trailer and walked away with $75K.

(Can anyone say overinsured? How about fraud?)

So to make a really long story short she blew through that $$ faster

than a jack rabbit on fire. She did purchase a brand new car which

was probably the ONLY practical thing she did, as up till then she

did not have reliable transportation. When she decided, completely

out of the blue, to move here, Sister and I set very clear and

definite boundries about what we were willing to do for Nada.

Essentially it boiled down to no taking advantage of us or our

families. (Ex. no asking for money, asking us to do odd jobs around

the house, etc.) It was hugely important for us to do this as she

had taken huge liberties will my aunt and uncle in the town she was

living in. So much so that she felt OK about calling my uncle in the

middle of the night to tighten the bolts on her toilet. That sort of

thing. She also borrowed huge amounts of money from aunt and my

elderly grandmother. She never paid them back even when she got all

of the money from the fire.

So back to the present. In order to move here, she quit a decent job

and didn't bother to check out the job situation here. I live in an

area that has a very high unemployment rate. So now it has been 2

1/2 months and she has not had any income coming in. She was so

angry at Sister and I about setting the ground rules that she was NC

until last week. She called me to ask for a ride!!! What happened

to new care you might ask??? Well apparently before she moved down

here she took out a loan against it, and when she couldn't pay the

loan it got repo'd. The area we live in is very rural, and she lives

about 7 miles out of town. So she can't even rely on pulic

transport!!

The real kick in the head for me was that when I gave her a ride, I

also gave her about $50 in groceries. Two days later I get a call

from my aunt that NADA has no way to get groceries (she does have

food stamps) and could I give her a ride to the store. I was just

pissed off as all hell that NADA didn't call me. She gave my aunt

this huge sob story about how she lost her car, doesn't have any

transportation, no money and how hard it's been since she moved

here! Hello! Whose fault is that???!!!!

I spent part of my day today calling mental health, volunteer

services and any one else searching for public services for her. I

am just so ANGRY that she is acting to pathetic when she did this to

herself. She is the ONLY one to blame here. No one should be trying

to make ME feel bad that she is an idiot. (Sorry lost it there for a

minute.) Uhhhhhh! I could just bang my head against the wall!

[Guest guest]

Wow, good for you for setting boundaries ahead of time! I was going

to say that if you choose to do anything to help her, it would be to

give her the phone number for social services, but you're already

doing that ;-) Still, just remember that it is not your

responsibility to take care of her in any way--doing all that

research is very generous of you.

It's sad that she's making such irresponsible decisions. If your

aunt ever calls again, just let her know that you have already set

very clear boundaries with your mother, and that you do not want your

aunt to call you about her again.

You wrote: >No one should be trying

> to make ME feel bad that she is an idiot.

I agree with you. If you feel that anyone is trying to manipulate

you, that sounds like a good opportunity to practice boundary-setting

with that person. " It sounds like you think I am doing something

wrong. I disagree with you. " or, " It seems like you and I have a

difference of opinion about how to help her. I am helping my mother

by allowing her to experience the consequences of her decisions. She

is an adult and is capable of helping herself. "

Hang in there--you are already doing lots of things right. Try not

to get hoovered back in again ;-)

kt

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much KT for the response! Unfortunatley I have been

painting this picture in my head of the police coming to tell me she

finally committed suicide and succeeded. (She has made NUMEROUS

attempts in the past.) So having your response really meant a lot

right now. It is so ingrained in me to fix things for her that

sometimes I forget that it isn't my responsibility! So, thank you,

thank you, thank you!!!

>No one should be trying

> > to make ME feel bad that she is an idiot.

>

> I agree with you. If you feel that anyone is trying to manipulate

> you, that sounds like a good opportunity to practice boundary-

setting

> with that person. " It sounds like you think I am doing something

> wrong. I disagree with you. " or, " It seems like you and I have a

> difference of opinion about how to help her. I am helping my

mother

> by allowing her to experience the consequences of her decisions.

She

> is an adult and is capable of helping herself. "

>

> Hang in there--you are already doing lots of things right. Try not

> to get hoovered back in again ;-)

>

> kt

>