Seeking advice on crisis

[Guest guest]

hello all. I joined this group some time back . I am 37 and currently

live with nada & my younger sister. I determined that my nada is BPD

about a year ago. Since that time she has made vast improvments, life

changes, much shorter incidents, softening. About 6 months ago her, my

sister & I made a move accross country. We have had a lot of stress

and constant change since the move, and she seemed to be backsliding

more and more often. About 3 weeks ago, our family financial sitatuion

hit crisis level and it was decided that her mother, my grandmother

would be moving in with us also. This is massive for her. Life

altering, when she has a very small comfort zone already. She was

handling it pretty well, until 4 days ago when a percieved slight

agianst her in another area of her life put her over the edge. We have

been in crisis for 4 days now, she has made my sister and I the enemy,

won't hear anything we have to say. She says she needs love and

support, which we are trying to give and it's just not working. There

have been half ass suicide threats, and she will only say she just

wants to die. That she cannot do it, and it's our fault. She has so

much anger, I am afraid to kepp trying to talk to her. We are at a

total loss as to what to do.

thank you HH

[Guest guest]

Hi. I'm so sorry you're going through this. BPD is so difficult in

that BP's want exactly what they push away. My heart goes out to you

and your sister. It's so gut-wrenching when all you want to do is

help. Unfortunately, the best way to help her is to take care of

yourself. You can't change the BP and you can't make her understand.

You can model appropriate behavior and you can hold your boundaries.

Ultimately, you are not responsible for her hurt feelings or for

resolving them. You can give her space to sort out her own feelings

and you can protect yourself in the process. If she rages against you

or your sister, you could leave or if you can't, state the obvious. " I

am sad that you are so upset, " or " when you say these things, they

hurt me, Mom. "

In times of crisis, I reread UBM and/or SWOE, journal, and reach out

to my support system. Take care.

>

> hello all. I joined this group some time back . I am 37 and currently

> live with nada & my younger sister. I determined that my nada is BPD

> about a year ago. Since that time she has made vast improvments, life

> changes, much shorter incidents, softening. About 6 months ago her, my

> sister & I made a move accross country. We have had a lot of stress

> and constant change since the move, and she seemed to be backsliding

> more and more often. About 3 weeks ago, our family financial sitatuion

> hit crisis level and it was decided that her mother, my grandmother

> would be moving in with us also. This is massive for her. Life

> altering, when she has a very small comfort zone already. She was

> handling it pretty well, until 4 days ago when a percieved slight

> agianst her in another area of her life put her over the edge. We have

> been in crisis for 4 days now, she has made my sister and I the enemy,

> won't hear anything we have to say. She says she needs love and

> support, which we are trying to give and it's just not working. There

> have been half ass suicide threats, and she will only say she just

> wants to die. That she cannot do it, and it's our fault. She has so

> much anger, I am afraid to kepp trying to talk to her. We are at a

> total loss as to what to do.

> thank you HH

>

[Guest guest]

>

she will only say she just

> wants to die. That she cannot do it, and it's our fault. She has so

> much anger, I am afraid to kepp trying to talk to her. We are at a

> total loss as to what to do.

> thank you HH

>

I hate when people threaten suicide to manipulate people. I recommend

calling her on it. Take her to the hospital or to a therapist the next

time she says she wants to die. Recently, I posted a page from

Understanding the Borderline Mother on this subject. If you'd like to

read it, do a search for the thread titled " suicide threats. "

Long term, I suggest you make a plan to move into your own place. It

is not good for you to be living with her. It is probably not good for

your grandmother, either.

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry for all you are going through it sounds pretty awful

especially with nowhere to run with you all living together. I'd

suggest that her suicide threats can lead to the beginning of some

relief or help possibly. Could you make an appointment with a

counselor and talk to them about this? There are legal issues that

apply when a person threatens to harm themselves - you might be able

to force a situation where your mother can get evaluated and some

treatment maybe. A counselor where you are will know much more about

the rules in your particular state, but I'd suggest try to get

someone neutral in this situation. Strength and courage.

>

> hello all. I joined this group some time back . I am 37 and

currently

> live with nada & my younger sister. I determined that my nada is

BPD

> about a year ago. Since that time she has made vast improvments,

life

> changes, much shorter incidents, softening. About 6 months ago her,

my

> sister & I made a move accross country. We have had a lot of

stress

> and constant change since the move, and she seemed to be

backsliding

> more and more often. About 3 weeks ago, our family financial

sitatuion

> hit crisis level and it was decided that her mother, my grandmother

> would be moving in with us also. This is massive for her. Life

> altering, when she has a very small comfort zone already. She was

> handling it pretty well, until 4 days ago when a percieved slight

> agianst her in another area of her life put her over the edge. We

have

> been in crisis for 4 days now, she has made my sister and I the

enemy,

> won't hear anything we have to say. She says she needs love and

> support, which we are trying to give and it's just not working.

There

> have been half ass suicide threats, and she will only say she just

> wants to die. That she cannot do it, and it's our fault. She has so

> much anger, I am afraid to kepp trying to talk to her. We are at a

> total loss as to what to do.

> thank you HH

>

[Guest guest]

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[Guest guest]

Boy, I've been down this road before. My nada made these threats alot.

You're absolutely correct when u say u think it is a manipulation tactic. In

my

nada's case, she would use it when you 'called' her on something - like her

bad behavior, or her not taking responsibility for her bad behavior. I

finally got so sick of it one day after she said, in her " baby " voice, " oh, I'm

just going to kill myself " , I turned towards the door and replied, " well, ok

then, I gotta go, busy day for me; see ya later " . Her jaw dropped in shock.

See, she used to get attention, sympathy, and pity when she'd threaten to

kill herself, which is exactly what she wanted. It would put an end to any

conversation about her bad behavior. It would prevent having to take any

responsibility for Anything.

That day was the last time she used that tactic on me. Not to say she

didn't still use it on my dad. See, it was still effective when used on him.

Also, that day she realized I was a huge threat to her because I 'found her

out', so to speak. She had no power over me for the first time.

I don't know if this little story helps you at all. All I know is that is

that was the day I stopped obsessing over her, it was the last time I would

ever allow her to hurt me, it was the last time I cared about what she thought

or said.

Good luck my dear. I wish you strength and peace.

Laurie

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