Need help in dealing with my sister

[Guest guest]

I'm new here. My mom has never been diagnosed but I have been

reading everything on BPD and my mom meets about 6 of the 9

requirements. Oh the stories I could tell about her craziness. Once

b/c of her raging anger and awful things she said to me I started to

hyperventilate another time I fainted. I've never been able to

accept her or give up hope that she'll love me, until I read about

BPD, now I feel I've given up, which is great.

The problem for me is my sister. Growing up, her and I were on the

same side, mom's scary and crazy. After college, my sister moved

back in with my mom and that changed the dynamics. They have been

best friends ever since. My sister is now married and lives

separately, but her and my mother talk several times a day, and see

each other all the time. My sister has done some crazy things of her

own, although I don't think she has BPD, she certainly has some BPD-

like traits.

I've recently reconnected with my father, and in doing so, my mother

has decided to disown me. My sister asked me why I found my dad, I

(mistakenly) tried to explain it to her and said I didn't

feel 'connected' to our mother and wanted a connection with a

parent. My sister sent me an email blaming, and attacking me. She

asked me if I didn't feel connected to our mother why didn't I just

sit down with our mother and explain this to her so we could work

things out! HA?! It is infuriating that she is acting like she

doesn't know how defensive my mother is. But in her next sentence

she says, although you never call us or see us so i don't know how

you could've worked on a connection with her... I'm so tired of being

blamed for everything but I don't know how to communicat with someone

who is in such denial.

I would like to attempt a reasonable coversation with my sister but

Ihave no idea how to do this! I need help!

[Guest guest]

>

My sister has done some crazy things of her

> own, although I don't think she has BPD, she certainly has some BPD-

> like traits.

We call those " fleas. "

> I've recently reconnected with my father, and in doing so, my

mother

> has decided to disown me.

Sounds about right.

My sister asked me why I found my dad, I

> (mistakenly) tried to explain it to her and said I didn't

> feel 'connected' to our mother and wanted a connection with a

> parent. My sister sent me an email blaming, and attacking me. She

> asked me if I didn't feel connected to our mother why didn't I just

> sit down with our mother and explain this to her so we could work

> things out!

Does your sister have a different father? Or is she doing what your

mother wants and hating him (and hating you for contacting him)?

>HA?! It is infuriating that she is acting like she

> doesn't know how defensive my mother is. But in her next sentence

> she says, although you never call us or see us so i don't know how

> you could've worked on a connection with her... I'm so tired of

being

> blamed for everything but I don't know how to communicat with

someone

> who is in such denial.

> I would like to attempt a reasonable coversation with my sister

but

> Ihave no idea how to do this! I need help!

>

>

It sounds like your mother has split your sister " all-good. " That is

probably why it is harder for her to see your mother's flaws right

now--your mother is probably not showing her any. She's saving all

her meanness for you, whom she has split to be " bad. " (Do a quick

search on the main page for more threads on that topic.)

It seems like you have already learned to keep any future comments

about your father or your relationship with your mother to yourself

for a while. The next time it comes up, you might say, " Sister, I

care about you and want to be able to maintain a good relationship

with you. I understand that you and I have different opinions about

how I should handle my relationship with Mom. I am doing what's best

for me right now. Can we agree to ask each other first before

offering each other relationship advice? " And then be sure not to

discuss Mom or ANY subject you don't want Sister to blab to her.

You do not need to defend yourself or try to convince your sister to

see things your way. I know it must have felt good to have her as an

ally, and I imagine you feel like you need to save her from your

mother now. She is an adult, though, and will have to figure all

that out on her own. Just lead by example, taking care of yourself

and your boundaries.

Hope that's enough to start you thinking...