Re: RE to all so far -- NC Nada etc.

[Guest guest]

Of course what your youngest said makes sense: her grandnada was cruel

to her: locking her alone in a room for hours at a time over a 2-week

period so that grandnada could play with the older child, her

favorite. That is just so blatantly abusive, and a loud indicator or

how severely mentally ill your nada is.

Your youngest has the more healthy attitude at this point; your oldest

has been (temporarily) corrupted by being grandnada's " favorite. " No

small child has the ability to resist being preferred, having all the

attention of a beloved relative and petted; your older girl is the one

who has been damaged. Making a child witness the abuse of others or

participate in the abuse of others is also abuse.

You might want to talk to your older girl gently and calmly (the next

time she mentions missing grandnada) and ask her if *she*, herself,

would have liked being locked in the bedroom alone while grandnada

played with her younger sister. She will most likely say, " No, I

wouldn't have liked that. " (I'm willing to bet that is only one

incident of favoritism; maybe you can ask your older girl if there

were other things like presents for her only, or ice cream for her

only.)

So you can use this as a teaching moment to explain to your older girl

that that is what the word " cruel " means. It was mean and cruel to

treat your little sister differently and it hurt your little sister's

feelings, and you love your little sister and don't want anyone to

hurt her feelings, right? We should always treat other people kindly

and the way we ourselves would like to be treated. etc., etc.

(At this point I wouldn't go into any detail about nada being

effing dangerously insane, if it were me.)

I'm sure that lots of members here will have good advice for you on

how to talk to your kids about grandnada not actually being dead when

they are old enough to understand, perhaps at around age 8 (?)

Good for you for recognizing how toxic your mother is, and for

preventing further contact with your children. Many kudos to you.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Everyone.  I am hoping for some sage advice.

> >  

> > I went NC with my nada last Xmas after she was verbally abusive to

> my daughters, at the time 2 & 3 years old.  I have been very happy

> with my decision as she has been horribly destructive to my life when

> given any opportunity, including trying to get me to divorce my

> husband, blaming me for every ill in her life, telling me what a

> failure and non-parent I am etc.  I have  a rare brain disease called

> PTC and she screeched that I was faking it.  Apparently MRI's and

> hospitals lie.  Anyways after YEARS of abuse I ended it and told my

> children she had passed away.  Now before you think me rash, please

> realize that my nada had been making remarks to my caretaker (have one

> bc of my illness) for a year that he should come to her with any issue

> with the children so she could build a case of neglect and have them

> removed from me and put in her home.  Now what would /you/ do?

> >  

> > So, my daughter will be 5 this year and in public school.  I don't

> want Nada anywhere near her and we live several states away.  But JUST

> in case, I don't even want my kids to know she exists.  Period. 

> >  

> > Now here's my dillema.  She called my cell phone on Thanksgiving

> behaving as if we had never stopped talking.  She acts as if nothing

> ever happened and says " I don't know what you're so mad about, we love

> you, everything is fine.  -Call me! "   It made me angry, but I did

> /not/ let it ruin my day.

> >  

> > We have our new home phone number unlisted.  Partly bc of her.  She

> called my caretaker's cell phone and he didn't recognize her number

> and actually answered it.  She told him she's sending packages for the

> children and myself and she doesn't understand why I'm so mad and how

> all is well.  She also demanded to speak with the children.  Of course

> he made excuses and politely got her off the phone as quick as he could.

> >  

> > She is not stupid.  She knows better than to call my husband who

> would REAM her.  She knows I will not return her calls and I have her

> email blocked.  My caretaker is a good man, but this puts him in a

> sensative position too bc now she's trying to go through him.  I don't

> want to break my NC to give her ANY attention.

> >  

> > Thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >