Re: depressed and hating it.

[Guest guest]

(((((((((bink))))))))))))

It sounds like your nada is just the cherry on top of a lot of other

stress you are experiencing right now. Its hard (for me, anyway) to

deal with problems when they are ganging up on me. One at a time, or

even two at a time I can handle, but not a whole gang of them. I tend

to shut down when I feel overwhelmed, too.

Are you seeing a psychologist now? Maybe all you need is a " tune up " ,

as my Sister puts it. Possibly you need a different med/different

amount; everyone has to figure out with their psychologist which meds

in which combos and amounts work best for them. And your psychologist

can give you some new insights and tools to help you when you're

feeling ganged up on by stuff.

It *is* sad to come to terms with the fact that our mothers are simply

really, severely mentally ill and way too dangerous to even be around.

The stuff your mother just did: attacking your husband physically and

then claiming it was he who hurt her is extremely indicative of how

mentally ill she is. YOur nada could easily decide to get your

husband arrested for " attacking her " so I would not ever visit your

mother again alone (meaning just you and your husband) at her home.

Only visit her in public, only with witnesses around.

That is precisely what I am afraid my nada is going to do to Sister

and me, to get even with us for going No Contact: if we are foolish

enough to visit her alone, I fear that she is going to claim that we

have hit her or pushed her or something. Or possibly that we have

stolen something from her, or maybe she'll grab her gun and try to

blow our brains out; she has talked about buying a gun lately. I'm

never going to be around my mother alone again; I just don't trust her.

Personality disorder truly a form of insanity, and bpds are known for

rapid, unpredictable mood swings and inappropriate rages, which is a

toxic soup of potential danger.

You are not a bad person for protecting yourself and your husband from

danger.

-Annie

>

> hey guys. long time, no type.

>

> right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her health

> problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only talk

> to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she was

> just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive anywhere.

> i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to her

> house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it IS

> thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

>

> so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so freaking

> angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying to

> get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT ARE

> YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i was

> like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway, at

> a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind of

> put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that he " hit

> her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front yard

> and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then he

> jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in the

> garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was like,

> WE'RE LEAVING.

>

> the whole thing took 15 mins.

>

> i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like she

> was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard surface

> and really screwed her back up.

>

> i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

>

> i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get over

> the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely no

> reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working in

> the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this year

> and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching is

> so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when one

> of my students told me she had been molested by her step father. i

> am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> anywhere.

>

> people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm always

> joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't focus

> because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with mom

> that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

>

> my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree with

> him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any reason

> to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a difference

> at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make sure

> justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all makes

> sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big, crazy

> liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us and

> jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

>

> i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm MEDICATED.

> i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't know

> what to do.

>

> bink

>

[Guest guest]

the thing is, this chase/hitting/falling thing happened in the FRONT

YARD OF HER HOUSE! there was actually a few guys across the street

watching the whole thing. if it were in a movie, it would have been

hilarious. my life is a black comedy.

i'm seeing a psychiatrist. i don't think talk therapy is very useful

for me. i'm pretty honest about stuff, and when i'm not, my dad,

sisters, husband, and friends will tell me what's what. i guess i

just think the reactions i'm having to all this are pretty rational

reactions. it's just the non-functioning part that kind of scares

me. i don't want to go to work in the morning. and i don't know

what i will do with myself if i do quit. i am going to finish my

masters degree and try to get a job at the local junior college in

remedial math or math curriculum development, but the soonest that

will be is in a yr and a half.

i was very scared that mom would make up lies about me or others

attacking her. i have seen her lie to the police. she had this

boyfriend who was a complete ass (she still asks me why i didn't like

him, like there was something wrong with me for not respecting an

asshole who cheated on her and competed with me, a 13 yr old).

anyway, she, the boyfriend, and my 11 yr old sister had gone out. i

stayed home, can't remember if it was with my baby sister or not.

anyway, the three of them got home and mom was furious that he had

been dancing with some other woman. anyway, she proceeded to beat

the crap out of him, literally biting chunks out of his arm, then

called the police and said that HE WAS STRANGLING HER! she has

discoloration on her neck that looks like bruises. she said that

they were injuries she sustained from him. they would have arrested

him, except that she had kicked in his truck's door so that the

window wouldn't roll down anymore and the police would have to arrest

her for vandalism if they arrested him for domestic violence. it was

so surreal talking to the policemen, not corroborating your mom's

story, KNOWING she is LYING to them.

creepy as hell.

bink

> >

> > hey guys. long time, no type.

> >

> > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

health

> > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

talk

> > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

was

> > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

anywhere.

> > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

her

> > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

IS

> > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> >

> > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

freaking

> > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying

to

> > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

ARE

> > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

was

> > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

at

> > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind

of

> > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

he " hit

> > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

yard

> > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

he

> > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

the

> > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

like,

> > WE'RE LEAVING.

> >

> > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> >

> > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

she

> > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

surface

> > and really screwed her back up.

> >

> > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> >

> > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

over

> > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

no

> > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

in

> > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

year

> > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

is

> > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

one

> > of my students told me she had been molested by her step father.

i

> > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > anywhere.

> >

> > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

always

> > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

focus

> > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

mom

> > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> >

> > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

with

> > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

reason

> > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

difference

> > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

sure

> > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

makes

> > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

crazy

> > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

and

> > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

> >

> > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

MEDICATED.

> > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

know

> > what to do.

> >

> > bink

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bink! I am glad to see you posting again. I was just thinking about

you the other day and wondered if you were ok. If you want to remain

LC, I think that you should not go anywhere or have any conversation

with your nada without witnesses (other than your hubby). It seems to

me that your nada is trying to get any kind of attention she can. She

will do anything good or bad in order to get it. If it were me, (for

what it's worth) I would stay far away from nada when she is behaving

this way. She is acting like a 2 year old with an adult mind. I

think that's why she comes up with such eff'd up ways to get

attention. She needs to know that you will not put up with that

behavior, period.

I think that all of us ko's are still treated by our nadas like we are

kids and not like the adults that we are. Because if our nadas did

they would know that we can walk away now, we are not vulnerable like

when we were kids.

I'm sorry to read that you are depressed. The good news is that it is

much more likely that you will come out of this depression soon. You

are seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds. This is all good. And the

meds are things that need to be monitored frequently because quite a

lot it seems they need to be adjusted or changed. I think it's pretty

common to actually become more depressed if you are taking the wrong

med or wrong dosage. You should tell your doctor how you are feeling

and ask them if your meds need to be adjusted. You are under a lot of

stress and it makes sense that your meds need to be adjusted to that.

Have you been journaling? That always makes me feel better.

Congrats on getting a master's degree!! That is really something to

be proud of. A year and a half will fly by and sooner than you know

it, you will be working in a completely new environment! That is one

thing that ALWAYS makes me feel happy is starting something new. I

can be however I want, it's a fresh start. KWIM?

I hope that you keep posting, I really enjoy your sense of humor and

perspective on things.

>

> hey guys. long time, no type.

>

> right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her health

> problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only talk

> to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she was

> just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive anywhere.

> i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to her

> house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it IS

> thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

>

> so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so freaking

> angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying to

> get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT ARE

> YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i was

> like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway, at

> a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind of

> put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that he " hit

> her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front yard

> and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then he

> jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in the

> garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was like,

> WE'RE LEAVING.

>

> the whole thing took 15 mins.

>

> i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like she

> was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard surface

> and really screwed her back up.

>

> i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

>

> i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get over

> the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely no

> reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working in

> the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this year

> and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching is

> so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when one

> of my students told me she had been molested by her step father. i

> am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> anywhere.

>

> people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm always

> joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't focus

> because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with mom

> that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

>

> my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree with

> him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any reason

> to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a difference

> at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make sure

> justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all makes

> sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big, crazy

> liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us and

> jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

>

> i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm MEDICATED.

> i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't know

> what to do.

>

> bink

>

[Guest guest]

awww! warm fuzzies! thanks for the reply.

i guess i just sometimes forget that other people don't have this

kind of screwed up relationship with their moms. i think it's so

weird that people can have normal moms. when i was a kid, i didn't

meet my mom's dad until i was 11. i thought it was totally normal to

have 3 grandparents. it's amazing what kids will just accept as " the

way it is. "

bink

> >

> > hey guys. long time, no type.

> >

> > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

health

> > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

talk

> > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

was

> > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

anywhere.

> > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

her

> > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

IS

> > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> >

> > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

freaking

> > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying

to

> > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

ARE

> > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

was

> > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

at

> > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind

of

> > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

he " hit

> > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

yard

> > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

he

> > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

the

> > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

like,

> > WE'RE LEAVING.

> >

> > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> >

> > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

she

> > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

surface

> > and really screwed her back up.

> >

> > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> >

> > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

over

> > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

no

> > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

in

> > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

year

> > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

is

> > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

one

> > of my students told me she had been molested by her step father.

i

> > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > anywhere.

> >

> > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

always

> > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

focus

> > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

mom

> > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> >

> > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

with

> > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

reason

> > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

difference

> > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

sure

> > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

makes

> > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

crazy

> > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

and

> > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

> >

> > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

MEDICATED.

> > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

know

> > what to do.

> >

> > bink

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I understand what you mean. I really didn't realize how wrong things

were with my family until I was an adult and saw how my friends are

with their kids. And to a lesser extent how my friends parents were

with them. When I got close to my friends kids it really hit home all

of the things that nada did to me, exposed me to, and did NOT do. I

still just can't imagine saying to a child the things my nada has

repeatedly said to me. I still can't imagine neglecting a child the

way my nada did to me. My nada did the absolute bare minimum of

" taking care of me " basically she fed and clothed me. Therefore in

her mind, she is mother of the year and I am an ungrateful bitch for

all she has done for me. Never mind that I had no guidance,

nurturing, etc.

It amazes me now that I just accepted how things were and didn't even

know that I was abused! I used to be a peer counselor at school and

I would listen to other kids and what they were going through but I

never made the connection to me. My nada convinced me that abuse was

only beatings and starving, etc. Now I know better.

> > >

> > > hey guys. long time, no type.

> > >

> > > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

> health

> > > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

> talk

> > > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

> was

> > > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

> anywhere.

> > > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

> her

> > > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

> IS

> > > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> > >

> > > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

> freaking

> > > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> > > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying

> to

> > > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

> ARE

> > > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

> was

> > > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

> at

> > > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> > > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind

> of

> > > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

> he " hit

> > > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

> yard

> > > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

> he

> > > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

> the

> > > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

> like,

> > > WE'RE LEAVING.

> > >

> > > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> > >

> > > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

> she

> > > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

> surface

> > > and really screwed her back up.

> > >

> > > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> > >

> > > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

> over

> > > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

> no

> > > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

> in

> > > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

> year

> > > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

> is

> > > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

> one

> > > of my students told me she had been molested by her step father.

> i

> > > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > > anywhere.

> > >

> > > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

> always

> > > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

> focus

> > > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

> mom

> > > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> > >

> > > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

> with

> > > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

> reason

> > > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

> difference

> > > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

> sure

> > > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

> makes

> > > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

> crazy

> > > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

> and

> > > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

> > >

> > > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> > > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> MEDICATED.

> > > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

> know

> > > what to do.

> > >

> > > bink

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's why kids are so easily abused and damaged, children have NO

perspective on their own situation. They have no *means* to recognize

that they are being emotionally abused, and no defenses against it.

Kids even begin to believe that they *caused* their parents to abuse

them, and that they *deserve* it.

Its worse than stomping on a puppy, IMHO.

Some kids' (older kids) sense of survival kicks in when they are being

severely physically abused or starved, and they run away... but the

kind of chronic, daily, medium-grade emotional and physical abuse that

a lot of us suffered just skates by under the radar, and when we are

mistreated from birth we simply accept it as " normal. " Its brain-washing.

That's why I am a broken record, repeating over and over that children

should not be left alone with pds, its too dangerous.

My nada kept us rather isolated from other families; I didn't spend a

lot of time at other kid's homes, or even at the homes of my

relatives. And I'd been so brainwashed, when I did spend any time at

all at other people's homes I believed that all families must be like

mine: I thought mommies were sweet and nice when other people (meaning

other adults) were around, and then when the other people left the

mommies would scream at their children and beat them like mine did. I

didn't ask other children over to play at my house, my mom would

scream at me and humiliate me in front of my friends, but she never

hit me or raged at me (or Sister) if there were other adults around.

An exception to this (to indicate the level of dysfunction in my

parent's thinking): an uncle of mine had been arrested and convicted

for molesting a neighbor child. When he got out of jail, *my* parents

made a point of sending me over there to spend the weekend with my

same-age cousin (also a girl). I was about 8 or so. I wasn't molested,

but I remember being shocked and bewildered at the way my uncle talked

openly about things I wasn't supposed to talk about (body parts,

toilet jokes, etc.) but he thought it was so funny.

Weird.

I think the mentally ill behaviors underlying all these ghastly

incidents RE mistreating children are eerily similar: control, anger,

revenge; its only that some pd parents are higher-functioning and some

are lower-functioning. We only read about the low-functioning ones

who are so intensely toxic that they make the news.

Here's a book about a child who was singled out from his siblings as

the " bad child " , and suffered escalating mistreatment by his mother

for years. It is similar to the case breaking in the news now, about

the 17-year-old who escaped from his " caretakers " who had chained him

to the fireplace, starved him, beaten him with a baseball bat, and

made other children in the household ignore him and mistreat him as

well. Just horrific.

A Child Called " It " - One Child's Courage to Survive

by Dave Pelzer, 1995

True autobiographical story of a boy's maltreatment by his mentally

ill, alcoholic mother.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > hey guys. long time, no type.

> > > >

> > > > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

> > health

> > > > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

> > talk

> > > > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

> > was

> > > > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

> > anywhere.

> > > > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

> > her

> > > > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

> > IS

> > > > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> > > >

> > > > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

> > freaking

> > > > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> > > > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying

> > to

> > > > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

> > ARE

> > > > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

> > was

> > > > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

> > at

> > > > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> > > > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind

> > of

> > > > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

> > he " hit

> > > > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

> > yard

> > > > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

> > he

> > > > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

> > the

> > > > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > > > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

> > like,

> > > > WE'RE LEAVING.

> > > >

> > > > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> > > >

> > > > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

> > she

> > > > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > > > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

> > surface

> > > > and really screwed her back up.

> > > >

> > > > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> > > >

> > > > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

> > over

> > > > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

> > no

> > > > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

> > in

> > > > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

> > year

> > > > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

> > is

> > > > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

> > one

> > > > of my students told me she had been molested by her step father.

> > i

> > > > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > > > anywhere.

> > > >

> > > > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

> > always

> > > > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > > > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

> > focus

> > > > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

> > mom

> > > > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> > > >

> > > > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

> > with

> > > > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

> > reason

> > > > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

> > difference

> > > > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

> > sure

> > > > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

> > makes

> > > > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

> > crazy

> > > > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

> > and

> > > > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

> > > >

> > > > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> > > > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> > MEDICATED.

> > > > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > > > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

> > know

> > > > what to do.

> > > >

> > > > bink

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have read that book along with his other ones. Boy they are

DISTURBING. My nada actually got me those as an xmas gift one year

and took a sick joy in watching me read it in horror (i was reading it

to avoid having to deal with her, merry christmas to me...not!) She

would see a look of horror on my face and she would say what part are

you at with sick glee (she had previously read them).

> > > > >

> > > > > hey guys. long time, no type.

> > > > >

> > > > > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

> > > health

> > > > > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

> > > talk

> > > > > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said

she

> > > was

> > > > > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

> > > anywhere.

> > > > > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

> > > her

> > > > > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

> > > IS

> > > > > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> > > > >

> > > > > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

> > > freaking

> > > > > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to

argue

> > > > > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and

trying

> > > to

> > > > > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

> > > ARE

> > > > > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

> > > was

> > > > > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. "

anyway,

> > > at

> > > > > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me

stuff

> > > > > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband

kind

> > > of

> > > > > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

> > > he " hit

> > > > > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the

front

> > > yard

> > > > > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus.

then

> > > he

> > > > > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

> > > the

> > > > > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > > > > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

> > > like,

> > > > > WE'RE LEAVING.

> > > > >

> > > > > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> > > > >

> > > > > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked

like

> > > she

> > > > > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > > > > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

> > > surface

> > > > > and really screwed her back up.

> > > > >

> > > > > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> > > > >

> > > > > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

> > > over

> > > > > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is

absolutely

> > > no

> > > > > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

> > > in

> > > > > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom

this

> > > year

> > > > > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall.

teaching

> > > is

> > > > > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked

when

> > > one

> > > > > of my students told me she had been molested by her step

father.

> > > i

> > > > > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > > > > anywhere.

> > > > >

> > > > > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

> > > always

> > > > > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > > > > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

> > > focus

> > > > > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

> > > mom

> > > > > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> > > > >

> > > > > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

> > > with

> > > > > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

> > > reason

> > > > > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

> > > difference

> > > > > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

> > > sure

> > > > > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

> > > makes

> > > > > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

> > > crazy

> > > > > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that

liked us

> > > and

> > > > > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any

attention.

> > > > >

> > > > > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i

wasn't

> > > > > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> > > MEDICATED.

> > > > > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > > > > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

> > > know

> > > > > what to do.

> > > > >

> > > > > bink

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bink,

I always sense such good energy and intentions in all of your

posts to offers. Oh my dear, it is in their inside of you- a part of

you that is healthy balanced and loved. It is waiting to emerge even

more, but there is a lot of crap that you must deal with in your life

piled on top of it.

Your mother is over the top. She has serious issues. Please

tell your husband, as nicely as possible, nada needs help. Also tell

him to respect the space and boundaries you have worked so hard to

establish with her. That all Thanksgiving encounter would have shut

me down.

Having a dysfunctional childhood and the results of it come out

at the most inappropriate times in our lives. For damn sure when we

are stressed, the residual childhood stuff starts a flying. I have

noticed personally- am not as depressed, as I just need to shut down

regroup and move forward. My Thanksgiving was nothing like yours, but

it was very stressful. I literally shut down on Friday, so my spirit

could regroup and it did.

I am going to recommend, if possible you seek a program for

depression. See what your health insurance will cover. Having the

alcoholic mother, there must be some deep rooted codependency stuff

going on. I went to the Caron House for a week program to deal with

my codependency, depression, suicidial thoughts. I highly recommend

something like that. It was truly life changing.

The therapists there are trained in the psycho-drama therapy,

and you learn strategies to help you love and care about you. Oh

honey, when you are this depressed, I know and remember - life is

seems at times impossible, even the easy stuff.

I only know about the Caron House- in Penna. I am sure there

are other places too. This place offers a lot of scholarships to

helps with expenses.

I still have my moments and days- but I haven't been on

medication for at least 6 months- and I attend my Caron meetings once

a month and do therapy too.

Please know your not a burden- you are a human being trying

to regain control of you- and YOU will do that.

BIG HUGS!!! and Blessings,

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " bink1227 "

wrote:

>

> hey guys. long time, no type.

>

> right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her health

> problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only talk

> to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

was

> just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive anywhere.

> i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to her

> house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it IS

> thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

>

> so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so freaking

> angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying to

> get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT ARE

> YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i was

> like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

at

> a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind of

> put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

he " hit

> her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

yard

> and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

he

> jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in the

> garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was like,

> WE'RE LEAVING.

>

> the whole thing took 15 mins.

>

> i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

she

> was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard surface

> and really screwed her back up.

>

> i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

>

> i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get over

> the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

no

> reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working in

> the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

year

> and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

is

> so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

one

> of my students told me she had been molested by her step father. i

> am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> anywhere.

>

> people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm always

> joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

focus

> because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with mom

> that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

>

> my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree with

> him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

reason

> to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a difference

> at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make sure

> justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all makes

> sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

crazy

> liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

and

> jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

>

> i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

MEDICATED.

> i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

know

> what to do.

>

> bink

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, the one I read, " A Child Called 'It' " is horrific, the more so

because it is a true story, and I cried for hours after I read it.

But it also gave me hope, that if a child who had been THAT mistreated

had survived, and was not full of hate, had not become a monster

himself, that maybe there was hope for me.

I think that is totally creepy that your nada ... enjoyed(?!?) the

story. I find THAT deeply, deeply disturbing, on several levels.

Brrr.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > hey guys. long time, no type.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

> > > > health

> > > > > > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually

only

> > > > talk

> > > > > > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said

> she

> > > > was

> > > > > > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

> > > > anywhere.

> > > > > > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty

close to

> > > > her

> > > > > > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your

mom. it

> > > > IS

> > > > > > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

> > > > freaking

> > > > > > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to

> argue

> > > > > > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and

> trying

> > > > to

> > > > > > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking

WHAT

> > > > ARE

> > > > > > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for

her. i

> > > > was

> > > > > > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. "

> anyway,

> > > > at

> > > > > > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me

> stuff

> > > > > > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband

> kind

> > > > of

> > > > > > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

> > > > he " hit

> > > > > > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the

> front

> > > > yard

> > > > > > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus.

> then

> > > > he

> > > > > > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell

down in

> > > > the

> > > > > > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her

into the

> > > > > > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

> > > > like,

> > > > > > WE'RE LEAVING.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked

> like

> > > > she

> > > > > > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after

she had

> > > > > > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

> > > > surface

> > > > > > and really screwed her back up.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot

get

> > > > over

> > > > > > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is

> absolutely

> > > > no

> > > > > > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was

working

> > > > in

> > > > > > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom

> this

> > > > year

> > > > > > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall.

> teaching

> > > > is

> > > > > > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked

> when

> > > > one

> > > > > > of my students told me she had been molested by her step

> father.

> > > > i

> > > > > > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > > > > > anywhere.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

> > > > always

> > > > > > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i

wasn't

> > > > > > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i

can't

> > > > focus

> > > > > > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop

with

> > > > mom

> > > > > > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my

shoulder.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to

agree

> > > > with

> > > > > > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into

any

> > > > reason

> > > > > > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

> > > > difference

> > > > > > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will

make

> > > > sure

> > > > > > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

> > > > makes

> > > > > > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a

big,

> > > > crazy

> > > > > > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that

> liked us

> > > > and

> > > > > > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any

> attention.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i

> wasn't

> > > > > > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> > > > MEDICATED.

> > > > > > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this.

it is

> > > > > > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i

don't

> > > > know

> > > > > > what to do.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > bink

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh me too. it really bothered me to see her reaction. she tends to

be obsessed with crime stories. she taped the entire year of the oj

trial plus the commentary on the news after each day of trial, for

example. she loves all of that stuff. not quite sure why.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > hey guys. long time, no type.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what

her

> > > > > health

> > > > > > > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually

> only

> > > > > talk

> > > > > > > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said

> > she

> > > > > was

> > > > > > > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

> > > > > anywhere.

> > > > > > > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty

> close to

> > > > > her

> > > > > > > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your

> mom. it

> > > > > IS

> > > > > > > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

> > > > > freaking

> > > > > > > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to

> > argue

> > > > > > > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and

> > trying

> > > > > to

> > > > > > > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking

> WHAT

> > > > > ARE

> > > > > > > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for

> her. i

> > > > > was

> > > > > > > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. "

> > anyway,

> > > > > at

> > > > > > > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me

> > stuff

> > > > > > > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband

> > kind

> > > > > of

> > > > > > > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed

that

> > > > > he " hit

> > > > > > > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the

> > front

> > > > > yard

> > > > > > > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus.

> > then

> > > > > he

> > > > > > > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell

> down in

> > > > > the

> > > > > > > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her

> into the

> > > > > > > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and

i was

> > > > > like,

> > > > > > > WE'RE LEAVING.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked

> > like

> > > > > she

> > > > > > > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after

> she had

> > > > > > > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

> > > > > surface

> > > > > > > and really screwed her back up.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot

> get

> > > > > over

> > > > > > > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is

> > absolutely

> > > > > no

> > > > > > > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was

> working

> > > > > in

> > > > > > > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom

> > this

> > > > > year

> > > > > > > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall.

> > teaching

> > > > > is

> > > > > > > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked

> > when

> > > > > one

> > > > > > > of my students told me she had been molested by her step

> > father.

> > > > > i

> > > > > > > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot

relax

> > > > > > > anywhere.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because

i'm

> > > > > always

> > > > > > > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i

> wasn't

> > > > > > > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i

> can't

> > > > > focus

> > > > > > > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop

> with

> > > > > mom

> > > > > > > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my

> shoulder.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to

> agree

> > > > > with

> > > > > > > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into

> any

> > > > > reason

> > > > > > > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

> > > > > difference

> > > > > > > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will

> make

> > > > > sure

> > > > > > > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it

all

> > > > > makes

> > > > > > > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a

> big,

> > > > > crazy

> > > > > > > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that

> > liked us

> > > > > and

> > > > > > > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any

> > attention.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i

> > wasn't

> > > > > > > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> > > > > MEDICATED.

> > > > > > > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this.

> it is

> > > > > > > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i

> don't

> > > > > know

> > > > > > > what to do.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > bink

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i know there are lots of posts that say this, but i just want to

reiterate that it is so great to have a place i can come where people

understand what i'm talking about.

thanks guys.

bink

> >

> > hey guys. long time, no type.

> >

> > right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her

health

> > problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only

talk

> > to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she

> was

> > just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive

anywhere.

> > i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to

her

> > house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it

IS

> > thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

> >

> > so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so

freaking

> > angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

> > with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying

to

> > get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT

ARE

> > YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i

was

> > like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway,

> at

> > a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

> > about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind

of

> > put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that

> he " hit

> > her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front

> yard

> > and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then

> he

> > jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in

the

> > garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

> > garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was

like,

> > WE'RE LEAVING.

> >

> > the whole thing took 15 mins.

> >

> > i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like

> she

> > was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

> > chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard

surface

> > and really screwed her back up.

> >

> > i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

> >

> > i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get

over

> > the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely

> no

> > reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working

in

> > the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this

> year

> > and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching

> is

> > so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when

> one

> > of my students told me she had been molested by her step father.

i

> > am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

> > anywhere.

> >

> > people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm

always

> > joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

> > joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't

> focus

> > because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with

mom

> > that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

> >

> > my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree

with

> > him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any

> reason

> > to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a

difference

> > at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make

sure

> > justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all

makes

> > sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big,

> crazy

> > liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us

> and

> > jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

> >

> > i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

> > this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm

> MEDICATED.

> > i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

> > getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't

> know

> > what to do.

> >

> > bink

> >

>