Re: 3 year old anger ... Nada tears .. ugh

[Guest guest]

Please don't read too much into this. If she started crying when

she realized she hurt you, that doesn't sound like she was

really full of anger or like she hates you. Sometimes kids that

age hit because they don't know any better and/or they don't

realize that it really hurts. They're experimenting with ways of

getting attention and ways of getting what they want. They can't

always articulate why they did what they did because they really

can't define if to themselves let alone you. I don't have any

children myself but I have a sister who is twenty years younger

than me who I spent a lot of time with when she was a child and

I've seen plenty of other people's children and the way they

act. I've seen young children hit their parents without any

reason that they could define plenty of times. Unless it becomes

a pattern, it doesn't sound like something to be concerned with

or to make a big fuss over.

You aren't likely to successfully raise your children without

having them get mad at you. Being mad is a normal response for a

child who is not getting what she wants. It isn't exactly

unusual in adults who don't get what they want either. Your

daughter isn't going to end up hating you because she got mad

when she was three. She is at an age when she is learning about

emotions and how people interact. I'd worry more if she never

got mad at you because children should be learning the normal

range of emotions and how to handle them. Remember, your own

experiences with being allowed to show emotions your emotions as

a child are possibly skewing your perception of what is normal.

Please, please, please don't compare the way you feel to the way

your nada feels. Part of being a nada is NOT feeling the normal

emotions for the normal reasons. You feel hurt because you don't

want your daughter to be mad at you because you're concerned for

her. Your nada's feelings are almost certainly for herself and

what she wants, not for you. She isn't upset with your lack of

contact because she thinks it is a problem for you. She's upset

because she wants to be the center of your world and thinks

she's not getting what is her due. Those are very different

feelings from how you describe your own feelings here.

At 06:45 PM 12/25/2008 SDM wrote:

>I mentioned in an earlier post what happened with my 3 year old

>this morning and I realize I'm really upset about it.

>

>Basically if you didn't already see it, I was opening a gift

>from my hubby and my 3 year old was behind me. The next thing

>I know I get a closed fist right in the small of my back and

>she hit really hard for her size! I immediately turned to her,

>realized she did it on purpose bc she grimaced at me and I just

>burst into tears. Then she realized she had hurt me and she

>burst into tears claiming it was an accident and wouldn't tell

>me why she did it.

>

>She is the very sensative and emotional child. She is very

>outgoing and is the child whose middle name is nada's first

>name. My oldest daughter is wonderful, loving and

>appreciative. My youngest is fairly disrespectful when she

>wants to be, very stubborn and entirely ungrateful when it

>comes to presents aside from being reminded to say thank

>you. She's a great little girl, please don't misunderstand,

>but she's the polar opposite of her sister. Now I go out of my

>way to ensure that she isn't treated like the 'bad girl'. I

>reinforce positive behavoir etc and normally she's wonderful,

>but for some reason when presents come out she is so

>cranky. She's also the one who took the brunt of nada's abuse

>a year ago. I was so heart broken ...

>

>Anyways I feel at a loss. I felt nada's words come flooding

>back to me and I just sat there and sobbed - I couldn't help

>it. I held her in my arms and hugged her tight asking her why

>and telling her i loved her - I didn't know what else to do. I

>don't know what I did to make her so angry in that instant - or

>if it was me at all - she was cranky this morning. She put

>herself down for a nap 45 minutes later which is RARE for her.

>

>She's very strong willed, amazingly creative and a great little

>girl. She is challenging - I admit it, but I love her

>intensely all the same. I also ensure that my oldest doesn't

>get ignored or anything when dealing with her little sister.

>

>I just don't want to ever be the 'nada' to my children. Having

>them mad at me just breaks my heart. That's what really

>hurt. Any other moms out there have some advice? What did I

>do? How can I ensure that my children won't hate me? I guess

>that's the question for the ages. ...

>

>I love them so much and protect them and nurture them ..

>everything my nada didn't do - and yet here I am kicking myself

>for how my poor nada must feel since I have rejected her again

>and again. So I wrote her that email -

>Sorry I didn't put this all together earlier. I just feel

>heart broken and I hate Xmas bc it has nothing but horrible

>memories for me.

>

>Thanks for reading/listening - sorry so long

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

;

Well, let me say I am no expert but I try to read and learn as much as I

can. I think that it's all about love. You should have gotten love from your

nada, you didn't, you deserved, needed and wanted it and you were right to

need and want it. It's a gift from God, after all. Your children want love,

you give love and you want love back. However, having had a nada, your

feelings and needs concerning love are different because of your nada. When

your children don't act loving, it hurts worse and is so confusing. But as

Katrina said, little kids do stuff like that for what seems to be no reason.

My first thought was after hearing about the nap, is that she's coming down

with something.

Or maybe present opening somehow reminds her of something nada did to her.

Maybe nada gave her a present and took it away? Little kids don't express

emotion well, they just feel what they feel and can't really verbalize it,

certainly not if nada hurt her when she was even younger. She won't remember

the incident but just the feeling - presents mean bad feelings - that sort

of thing. When my daughter was 3 months old, she was given an oral polio

vaccine, and the a shot in the leg. She cried like mad. A few months later,

again she received the oral polio vaccine and before the shot, she started

crying, knowing the hurt was coming. That's at 6 months of age! They

remember the feelings but at that age, we can't explain, we can only try to

comfort them or calm them while we stay calm.

To keep from getting stuck in the cycle of missing/needing/wanting love and

the confusion that results, try to be in the present moment. I struggle

mightily with this concept, so I know it isn't easy. However, (I'm told and

I can see why) it is very important to start thinking about it and take each

moment with your child separate from your childhood with nada and her ugly

words about your kids. They really have nothing to do with each other.

Again, this is a concept that I struggle with and did often with my child

when she was that same age. I had a similar incident but she smacked me full

in the face. I knew nothing about bpd at the time or that my mother was ill.

And that I had fleas! What did I do? My " instictive " reaction was to smack

her back. Terrible! And then I cried, feeling miserable and yes, unloved all

around. And lost. I am not a hitter but to be smaked in the face, well, I

don't know what came over me. I swore I'd never be hit again (when I grew

up) and was always against hitting and did it only when there was real

danger to get my child's attention. But this incident was the first time and

it was just awful. Still feels awful.

If I knew what I know now, I'd have calmly picked her up, made sure she knew

that her behavior was being stopped by me as I held her in a theraputic hold

until she calmed down or fell asleep, while I could be singing to her

peacefully. Not unlike what you did naturally. But at the time I didn't know

about theraputic holds and how staying calm and in control teaches peace and

respect to the child - all wrapped in real love. Kids need and want us to be

loving yet in control.

Please don't blame yourself for your child's moods. You'll never be like

your nana. Never never never, it's not possible. You're brain is wired

differently, you can think out of the box and nada can't. You're already

head and shoulders above me - or what I will ever be. You couldn't be like

your nada if you tried. Think about staying focused on the here and now, and

the fact that all your little ones really need is unconditional love,

consistant structure and loving discipline. If you were hit as a child, I

would suggest that you use other methods (like theraputic holds - see

" Holding Time " - by Martha Welch, I think). Because it's always best to go

with the motto, " do no harm " and sometimes hitting can harm kids; it's

tricky stuff. (Better to wait than to do something you can't take back, I

have learned the hard way.) And physical discipline like that might rouse

your PTSD from your childhood if you were hit. And then you're the child

again, and not in the present moment being that great mom.

Sorry to all to have gone on so long.

, I wish you'd been my mom.

Flowers in Oz

----- Original Message -----

From: " SDM "

Anyways I feel at a loss. I felt nada's words come flooding back to me and I

just sat there and sobbed - I couldn't help it. I held her in my arms and

hugged her tight asking her why and telling her i loved her - I didn't know

what else to do. I don't know what I did to make her so angry in that

instant - or if it was me at all - she was cranky this morning. She put

herself down for a nap 45 minutes later which is RARE for her.

I just don't want to ever be the 'nada' to my children. Having them mad at

me just breaks my heart. That's what really hurt. Any other moms out there

have some advice? What did I do? How can I ensure that my children won't

hate me? I guess that's the question for the ages. ...

I love them so much and protect them and nurture them .. everything my nada

didn't do - and yet here I am kicking myself for how my poor nada must feel

since I have rejected her again and again.

[Guest guest]

,

Say it 300 times if you have too- YOU are not your nada. The fact

that you see nada is impaired- and you are working hard at not being

like her- means you are not nada.

Nada's are all-knowing, rarely question any of their decisions or

choices. You are questioning your reactions and behaviors to your

children- nada's don't even care, it is all about them.

I know you were upset with your daughter- but she showed some

empathy and remorse to you- that is a good thing.

Your children know and feel your love and you are working on being

in balance with them- so agree with what Katrina said, don't read too

much into this. You are a very loving woman- and your children will

reflect that.

I do understand- though. Yesterday in admist of the chaos of

getting ready for Christmas's Eve dinner- and still not feeling well-

and I felt like my daughter was being a little unreasonable. I get

those moments- when I remember how nada raged at me- and yes-I think

just let her know what you are feeling, but then I stop and say I am

better then nada. I remain calm, and try to rise above what was done

to me. I just can't and won't hurt my daughter like that- and neither

are you doing that!

Nada no longer defines you- you define you- and Thank God for that!

Many blessings,

Malindab

In WTOAdultChildren1 , Katrina wrote:

>

> Please don't read too much into this. If she started crying when

> she realized she hurt you, that doesn't sound like she was

> really full of anger or like she hates you. Sometimes kids that

> age hit because they don't know any better and/or they don't

> realize that it really hurts. They're experimenting with ways of

> getting attention and ways of getting what they want. They can't

> always articulate why they did what they did because they really

> can't define if to themselves let alone you. I don't have any

> children myself but I have a sister who is twenty years younger

> than me who I spent a lot of time with when she was a child and

> I've seen plenty of other people's children and the way they

> act. I've seen young children hit their parents without any

> reason that they could define plenty of times. Unless it becomes

> a pattern, it doesn't sound like something to be concerned with

> or to make a big fuss over.

>

> You aren't likely to successfully raise your children without

> having them get mad at you. Being mad is a normal response for a

> child who is not getting what she wants. It isn't exactly

> unusual in adults who don't get what they want either. Your

> daughter isn't going to end up hating you because she got mad

> when she was three. She is at an age when she is learning about

> emotions and how people interact. I'd worry more if she never

> got mad at you because children should be learning the normal

> range of emotions and how to handle them. Remember, your own

> experiences with being allowed to show emotions your emotions as

> a child are possibly skewing your perception of what is normal.

>

> Please, please, please don't compare the way you feel to the way

> your nada feels. Part of being a nada is NOT feeling the normal

> emotions for the normal reasons. You feel hurt because you don't

> want your daughter to be mad at you because you're concerned for

> her. Your nada's feelings are almost certainly for herself and

> what she wants, not for you. She isn't upset with your lack of

> contact because she thinks it is a problem for you. She's upset

> because she wants to be the center of your world and thinks

> she's not getting what is her due. Those are very different

> feelings from how you describe your own feelings here.

>

> At 06:45 PM 12/25/2008 SDM wrote:

> >I mentioned in an earlier post what happened with my 3 year old

> >this morning and I realize I'm really upset about it.

> >

> >Basically if you didn't already see it, I was opening a gift

> >from my hubby and my 3 year old was behind me. The next thing

> >I know I get a closed fist right in the small of my back and

> >she hit really hard for her size! I immediately turned to her,

> >realized she did it on purpose bc she grimaced at me and I just

> >burst into tears. Then she realized she had hurt me and she

> >burst into tears claiming it was an accident and wouldn't tell

> >me why she did it.

> >

> >She is the very sensative and emotional child. She is very

> >outgoing and is the child whose middle name is nada's first

> >name. My oldest daughter is wonderful, loving and

> >appreciative. My youngest is fairly disrespectful when she

> >wants to be, very stubborn and entirely ungrateful when it

> >comes to presents aside from being reminded to say thank

> >you. She's a great little girl, please don't misunderstand,

> >but she's the polar opposite of her sister. Now I go out of my

> >way to ensure that she isn't treated like the 'bad girl'. I

> >reinforce positive behavoir etc and normally she's wonderful,

> >but for some reason when presents come out she is so

> >cranky. She's also the one who took the brunt of nada's abuse

> >a year ago. I was so heart broken ...

> >

> >Anyways I feel at a loss. I felt nada's words come flooding

> >back to me and I just sat there and sobbed - I couldn't help

> >it. I held her in my arms and hugged her tight asking her why

> >and telling her i loved her - I didn't know what else to do. I

> >don't know what I did to make her so angry in that instant - or

> >if it was me at all - she was cranky this morning. She put

> >herself down for a nap 45 minutes later which is RARE for her.

> >

> >She's very strong willed, amazingly creative and a great little

> >girl. She is challenging - I admit it, but I love her

> >intensely all the same. I also ensure that my oldest doesn't

> >get ignored or anything when dealing with her little sister.

> >

> >I just don't want to ever be the 'nada' to my children. Having

> >them mad at me just breaks my heart. That's what really

> >hurt. Any other moms out there have some advice? What did I

> >do? How can I ensure that my children won't hate me? I guess

> >that's the question for the ages. ...

> >

> >I love them so much and protect them and nurture them ..

> >everything my nada didn't do - and yet here I am kicking myself

> >for how my poor nada must feel since I have rejected her again

> >and again. So I wrote her that email -

> >Sorry I didn't put this all together earlier. I just feel

> >heart broken and I hate Xmas bc it has nothing but horrible

> >memories for me.

> >

> >Thanks for reading/listening - sorry so long

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'd second that. She's three and just trying to figure this

emotional stuff out. I hear you, though; it's really hard not to

feel like you're the nada when your kids are acting out at you. I

have three kids myself, and when stuff like this happens I try to

step back from the situation and remind myself that they're the

children and I'm the adult, and I'm supposed to be the one

demonstrating appropriate responses, not them. So if they hit me or

yell at me or whatever, I tell them calmly (okay, I try to be calm)

that what they did is not appropriate, that it's okay to be angry but

it's not okay to be mean to someone else when they're angry. In some

ways it's gotten to be almost funny--my seven-year-old will now

say " I'm really angry but I don't know what to do with my anger " . I

then usually give her a piece of paper to draw pictures of her anger,

or, if she's really on a roll, to tear up into little pieces.

Speaking of which, part of the original post really struck me. The

way you describe your three-year-old sounds a lot like my seven-year-

old: extremely creative, highly sensitive and emotional. She was

also the target of my nada's bile just over a year ago. I swear it's

the sensitive and creative kids that somehow act as lightning rods

for nadas--maybe it's because they're more up front with emotions

that nadas simply can't deal with.

> >I mentioned in an earlier post what happened with my 3 year old

> >this morning and I realize I'm really upset about it.

> >

> >Basically if you didn't already see it, I was opening a gift

> >from my hubby and my 3 year old was behind me. The next thing

> >I know I get a closed fist right in the small of my back and

> >she hit really hard for her size! I immediately turned to her,

> >realized she did it on purpose bc she grimaced at me and I just

> >burst into tears. Then she realized she had hurt me and she

> >burst into tears claiming it was an accident and wouldn't tell

> >me why she did it.

> >

> >She is the very sensative and emotional child. She is very

> >outgoing and is the child whose middle name is nada's first

> >name. My oldest daughter is wonderful, loving and

> >appreciative. My youngest is fairly disrespectful when she

> >wants to be, very stubborn and entirely ungrateful when it

> >comes to presents aside from being reminded to say thank

> >you. She's a great little girl, please don't misunderstand,

> >but she's the polar opposite of her sister. Now I go out of my

> >way to ensure that she isn't treated like the 'bad girl'. I

> >reinforce positive behavoir etc and normally she's wonderful,

> >but for some reason when presents come out she is so

> >cranky. She's also the one who took the brunt of nada's abuse

> >a year ago. I was so heart broken ...

> >

> >Anyways I feel at a loss. I felt nada's words come flooding

> >back to me and I just sat there and sobbed - I couldn't help

> >it. I held her in my arms and hugged her tight asking her why

> >and telling her i loved her - I didn't know what else to do. I

> >don't know what I did to make her so angry in that instant - or

> >if it was me at all - she was cranky this morning. She put

> >herself down for a nap 45 minutes later which is RARE for her.

> >

> >She's very strong willed, amazingly creative and a great little

> >girl. She is challenging - I admit it, but I love her

> >intensely all the same. I also ensure that my oldest doesn't

> >get ignored or anything when dealing with her little sister.

> >

> >I just don't want to ever be the 'nada' to my children. Having

> >them mad at me just breaks my heart. That's what really

> >hurt. Any other moms out there have some advice? What did I

> >do? How can I ensure that my children won't hate me? I guess

> >that's the question for the ages. ...

> >

> >I love them so much and protect them and nurture them ..

> >everything my nada didn't do - and yet here I am kicking myself

> >for how my poor nada must feel since I have rejected her again

> >and again. So I wrote her that email -

> >Sorry I didn't put this all together earlier. I just feel

> >heart broken and I hate Xmas bc it has nothing but horrible

> >memories for me.

> >

> >Thanks for reading/listening - sorry so long

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >