Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hi angeandsimon! I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more likely that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- especially in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up in your own parenting. I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak out when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong with their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do and say. For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many people on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy Capital of the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and believe me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes to dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested she might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality disorders. So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this country -- I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you live! Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the phone or on-line? Best, S Am I going BPD too?? To: WTOAdultChildren1 > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > research on > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital last > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an aneurysm. > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two small > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > the nc > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids > or my > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of > " why am > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't > you use > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) and > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do > I stop it? > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > support of > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for good > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > upon me > that brings it all out. > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > situation as me and can shed some light? > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily and > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > try to > in the future. > > x > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 You really hit the nail on the head here. So many therapists are clueless about personality disorders, even Dr. Phil. It's funny because I have from Oprah magazine a page that Dr. Phil wrote (q & a) and the parents treated the kid like crap and he clearly stated (can't forget exact terms) that they don't have to take it. But then on his show a few years ago he had this (CLEARLY) BPD mom on and a crying DD and the mom was all smug, the daughter was in enormous pain and he SIDED WITH THE BPD mom. I stopped watching him after that. It was horrifying to me that he completely missed how sick that mother was. If I remember correctly (may have some facts mixed up?) there was something about the daughter having a baby and the mother disrespecting her wishes, feeding peanut butter, etc. (Which can be life threatening and never should be fed to an infant) and Dr. Phil was of the mindset that she is the grandma and she gets to be the grandma, can do whatever she wants with the kid, blah blah blah. Funny how the sicko nada BEGS me to go on Dr. Phil with her. So the world could see what a rotten person I am. She's so disgusting. I've been seeing a therapist and I feel like every week I have to " justify " why I keep those sickos away from my kids. He keeps saying " so you are depriving your kids of having grandparents? " I keep giving SOLID examples of the level of sickness I and my kids have endured (my mother coming here and physically beating me in FRONT of my child) and it doesn't matter, the world truly believes that no matter how abusive parents are, they deserve the right to be grandparents and hurt the grandchildren. It is their right to hurt people because of their title. It's sick how the world perceives this whole mess we have to face on a daily basis. Sorry for the rant, but your post hit a nerve with me because you are soooo right, most therapists don't even see how sick these BPDs are. > > Hi angeandsimon! > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more likely that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- especially in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up in your own parenting. > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak out when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong with their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do and say. > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many people on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy Capital of the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and believe me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes to dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested she might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality disorders. So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this country -- I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you live! > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the phone or on-line? > > Best, > > S > > Am I going BPD too?? > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > research on > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital last > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an aneurysm. > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two small > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > the nc > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids > > or my > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of > > " why am > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't > > you use > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) and > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do > > I stop it? > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > support of > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for good > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > upon me > > that brings it all out. > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily and > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > try to > > in the future. > > > > x > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hello angeandsimon, The very fact that you're looking at your own behavior, that you're reading messages and writing messages here on this board, that you're even a part of this group, all point to how you're striving towards health. That kind of self reflection or examination is not a part of a BP's world. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be mindful of your choice in your actions and reactions. If you slip (you're only human for goodness sake!), it's okay. Be gentle with yourself and understanding. You lived through a great deal of trauma with your nada and much of your knee-jerk reactions are programming from her. The fact that you can admit your mistakes speaks volumes! It sometimes helps to take a few long, deep breaths and count to 10 before you react. I know that is difficult in the moment, and it can be a very powerful tool when utilised. Maybe someone here will know about your therapist dilemma? I know that I had a therapist who did some work with me over the phone when I relocated, but I had an already established relationship. I wish you the best of luck in your search. In the meantime, hang in there! You're doing great. > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of research on > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital last > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an aneurysm. > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two small > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since the nc > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids or my > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of " why am > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't you use > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) and > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do I stop it? > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the support of > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for good > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter upon me > that brings it all out. > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > situation as me and can shed some light? > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily and > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will try to > in the future. > > x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Have you considered looking for another therapist, realmom2two? It seems like therapists who are unfamiliar with personality disorders and especially BPD, have the potential to do more damage to KOs, especially if you're justifying your healthy decisions to your own therapist. > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more likely > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- especially > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up in > your own parenting. > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak out > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong with > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do and > say. > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many people > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy Capital of > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and believe > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes to > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested she > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality disorders. > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this country -- > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you live! > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the phone > or on-line? > > > > Best, > > > > S > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > research on > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital > last > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > aneurysm. > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two > small > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > > the nc > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids > > > or my > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of > > > " why am > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't > > > you use > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) > and > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do > > > I stop it? > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > support of > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for > good > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > > upon me > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily > and > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > > try to > > > in the future. > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 It is funny, I think of that but then question myself and think " maybe it is me, maybe I am depriving my children of having 75% of the time grandparents-25% of the time sickos " I hate that I have to defend my decision to protect my kids to anyone. I hear that all the time " oh, but you are keeping the kids from them. " That is the one reason the entire family stopped speaking to me. I kept a calendar and 9 days of out 15 consecutive days that sicko saw my kids. She called bawling to anyone who would listen that I *never* let her see (get those sick hands on) those grandchildren. So the family believed the sick lies and stopped speaking to me, talking about how rotten I am keeping the kids from her (9 days out of a consecutive 15, remember) I even showed the sickos the calendar (proof-right?) and they smugly looked at it, brushed it away and said " it doesn't matter, you are still wrong. " Famous words. I said " I am done " We will see those sick things 1x a month. Then they pushed boundaries (finding out info from my 4 year old on where we were then showing up, smugly saying " HE invited us, we are welcome to be here. " ) So then, NC. They are going to cry and lie anyway (9 days out of 15, and STILL lied) so we are done. I am not subjecting myself or my kids to her mental illness. I have finally made my own progress to decide it is not MY problem she is mentally ill. I've made it my problem all my life, tried to " fix " it by trying my damdest to be the perfect DD, doing anything to make her love me. I am done. She isn't worth it. She's disgusting. I have a lot of anger, I keep referring to her as a dispicable human being. I guess being a mom makes me realize how horrific she is. Now I am far from the perfect mom, BUT I could NEVER imagine hurting my children and playing sick mind games with them. When they put their little heads on the pillow to go to sleep at night, they KNOW they are loved and cherished and special little people. I can't imagine it any other way. When I was a child and was hurting she was HAPPY, smug, ha ha, told you so. When my kids hurt I get a lump in my throat. Like when DS was trying to break a board at karate and couldn't do it, I thought I would cry for him because I knew how embarrassed he was up there with all eyes (parents and kids) on him. My nada would have been in the audience laughing at me. A happy moment for a BPD Having children has made me realize that she is NOT normal and her reactions to children and their emotional needs is not normal. After the new year I may consider a new therapist. I have been thinking about that for a while, but as many KO's, I never know if it is just me being " overly sensitive " as I have been told is my " problem " by nada. These emotional scars run deep. > > > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't > > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more likely > > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- especially > > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up in > > your own parenting. > > > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak out > > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong with > > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do and > > say. > > > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I > > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I > > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many people > > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy Capital of > > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and believe > > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes to > > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists > > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested she > > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) > > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality disorders. > > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this country -- > > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you live! > > > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the phone > > or on-line? > > > > > > Best, > > > > > > S > > > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > > research on > > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital > > last > > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > > aneurysm. > > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two > > small > > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > > > the nc > > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids > > > > or my > > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of > > > > " why am > > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't > > > > you use > > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) > > and > > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do > > > > I stop it? > > > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > > support of > > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for > > good > > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > > > upon me > > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily > > and > > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > > > try to > > > > in the future. > > > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Many kudos to you for putting your children's needs over your nada's, and enduring the wrongly-placed disdain of other family members who are under nada's thumb. You are your children's hero. I think righteous anger is empowering for us KO's, its like a long-dormant survival instinct that kicks in and gives us the will and the power and the permission to get away from the black hole of toxicity that is nada. But our anger is something we eventually have to work through and get past or it will turn on us. Its like, you need the adrenaline to run from the saber-toothed tiger, but once you are safe, too much adrenaline will give you a heart attack. Its normal to have self-doubt, and to re-evaluate decisions if and when different information becomes available, or different, improved behaviors by nada become evident. But your instincts are good and true, and I say trust your instincts. If you are going to err, and everyone does make errors, I'd err on the side of safety. You are being a good mother bear, IMHO! -Annie > > > > > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't > > > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more > likely > > > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- > especially > > > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up > in > > > your own parenting. > > > > > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak > out > > > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong > with > > > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do > and > > > say. > > > > > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I > > > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I > > > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many > people > > > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy > Capital of > > > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and > believe > > > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes > to > > > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists > > > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested > she > > > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) > > > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality > disorders. > > > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this > country -- > > > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you > live! > > > > > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the > phone > > > or on-line? > > > > > > > > Best, > > > > > > > > S > > > > > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > > > research on > > > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to > hospital > > > last > > > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > > > aneurysm. > > > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 > years. a > > > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have > two > > > small > > > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the > first OR > > > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd > traits > > > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also > suffered > > > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > > > > the nc > > > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the > kids > > > > > or my > > > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme > of > > > > > " why am > > > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, > can't > > > > > you use > > > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my > husband) > > > and > > > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood > swings of > > > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother > use to > > > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER > and > > > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how > do > > > > > I stop it? > > > > > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that > speaks > > > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > > > support of > > > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except > for > > > good > > > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > > > > upon me > > > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a > similar > > > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them > daily > > > and > > > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > > > > try to > > > > > in the future. > > > > > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Bravo to you, realmom2two! You're stopping the abusive pattern and giving your children something none of us here had from at least one, often both parents -- unconditional loving support. What a blessing that is! You are amazing and BRAVE! And you deserve support through all of this. Your choices are absolutely right for you at this moment in your life and critical right now to protect yourself and your kids. Just because it might not be what someone else would do doesn't give them the right to judge you -- therapist or not. Only YOU walk in your shoes! Be sure to take as good care of YOU as you do of your kiddos. It's often very clear to KOs how to take care of others, but not easy or clear how to care for ourselves. We were never worthy of care and our feelings never mattered growing up in " Oz " , after all. Much love from here! > > > > > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't > > > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more > likely > > > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- > especially > > > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up > in > > > your own parenting. > > > > > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak > out > > > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong > with > > > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do > and > > > say. > > > > > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I > > > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I > > > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many > people > > > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy > Capital of > > > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and > believe > > > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes > to > > > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists > > > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested > she > > > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) > > > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality > disorders. > > > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this > country -- > > > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you > live! > > > > > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the > phone > > > or on-line? > > > > > > > > Best, > > > > > > > > S > > > > > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > > > research on > > > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to > hospital > > > last > > > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > > > aneurysm. > > > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 > years. a > > > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have > two > > > small > > > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the > first OR > > > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd > traits > > > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also > suffered > > > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > > > > the nc > > > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the > kids > > > > > or my > > > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme > of > > > > > " why am > > > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, > can't > > > > > you use > > > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my > husband) > > > and > > > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood > swings of > > > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother > use to > > > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER > and > > > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how > do > > > > > I stop it? > > > > > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that > speaks > > > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > > > support of > > > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except > for > > > good > > > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > > > > upon me > > > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a > similar > > > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them > daily > > > and > > > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > > > > try to > > > > > in the future. > > > > > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 My nada has recently 'disowned' me, for reconnecting with my father, who left 24 yrs ago. It's the best thing she could have done for me, give me my life back. She thinks she is punishing me, but if she really wanted to punish me, she'd stay in my life. So, for me, to explain to people it's easy, it was her choice. Even though I really respect my therepist and she's helped me so much, she has made a comment in the past something like, 'well b/c you are a decent human you wouldn't cut her (nada) out of your life'. WOW, WTF? So if I do cut her out that means I'm not a decent person? I don't think so. I think we have to remember therepist are only human and my therepist happens to have children of her own and I think she is thinking of herself more, and how it would feel if her own children cut her out. I would agree that new therepist sounds like it might be a good change, however if they are working for you in other ways and encourage and support you, maybe it's worth just chalking it up to 'they couldn't possibly understand since they haven't lived through it'. Stay strong, only YOU know what's best for your children. XO- > > > > > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I don't > > > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more > likely > > > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- > especially > > > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing up > in > > > your own parenting. > > > > > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE freak > out > > > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything wrong > with > > > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they do > and > > > say. > > > > > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, I > > > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned I > > > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many > people > > > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy > Capital of > > > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and > believe > > > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it comes > to > > > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's therapists > > > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested > she > > > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so obvious!!) > > > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality > disorders. > > > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this > country -- > > > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you > live! > > > > > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the > phone > > > or on-line? > > > > > > > > Best, > > > > > > > > S > > > > > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > > > research on > > > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to > hospital > > > last > > > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > > > aneurysm. > > > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 > years. a > > > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have > two > > > small > > > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the > first OR > > > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd > traits > > > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also > suffered > > > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since > > > > > the nc > > > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the > kids > > > > > or my > > > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme > of > > > > > " why am > > > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, > can't > > > > > you use > > > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my > husband) > > > and > > > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood > swings of > > > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother > use to > > > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER > and > > > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how > do > > > > > I stop it? > > > > > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that > speaks > > > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > > > support of > > > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except > for > > > good > > > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter > > > > > upon me > > > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a > similar > > > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them > daily > > > and > > > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will > > > > > try to > > > > > in the future. > > > > > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hi Angeandsimon, " Why am I the one who has to do everything, think of everything? " - I think each and every one of my friends including myself could say we've thought this same thing about our DH's many times I am new to all of this information, just was told my therepist last week that my mother likely has this, although she's never been diagnosed. So, I don't know much about how the disorder develops but it sounds like you are exactly like all the rest of us 'kids of' who have some real issues but not BPD. I'm reading two books right now, Stop Walking on Eggshells and Surviving a Borderline Parent, I highly suggest both of these books, I think it will put things in perspective for you! Lots of support, > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of research on > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to hospital last > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an aneurysm. > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 years. a > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I have two small > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the first OR > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada bpd traits > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also suffered > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, since the nc > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at the kids or my > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the theme of " why am > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, can't you use > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my husband) and > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood swings of > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my mother use to > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like HER and > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but how do I stop it? > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here that speaks > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the support of > my husbands family and back home we have no support, except for good > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and winter upon me > that brings it all out. > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a similar > situation as me and can shed some light? > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them daily and > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and will try to > in the future. > > x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thank you Freesarah, Your words meant so much to be. I sure don't feel brave or like I am doing the right thing in my heart, but my head knows that this is what I need to do to stay sane and protect my kids. My decision to do this gets confirmed often, because she keeps upping the ante. For instance, we went to see my grandpa today in the nursing home and my DS asked " who covered all of the pictures I made for him? " Um, you guessed it, she did. She's going for the kids throats now and using my poor elderly grandpa who has no clue what is going on. I only go there during times I deem are " safe " and have been okay and not ambushed, so far. But even my DS wonders why she does the things she does. Just confirms to me, yet again, that she is not the sweet, kind, innocent person with the rotten daughter that everyone thinks. Thank you again for your support. It really means more than you know. I know I am doing the right thing because there is no alternative. I've tried the " alternative " all my life (aka taking her beatings) and it isn't worth the pain and doesn't make things better. > > > > > > > > > > Hi angeandsimon! > > > > > > > > > > I'll be curious what others have to say about this, but I > don't > > > > think you can just " turn " BP as an adult. I think it's more > > likely > > > > that because you've had BP behavior modelled for you -- > > especially > > > > in the parenting role -- now you've got fleas that are showing > up > > in > > > > your own parenting. > > > > > > > > > > I think the difference between us and the BPs is that WE > freak > > out > > > > when we see our fleas. THEY never think there's anything > wrong > > with > > > > their behavior and always feel 100% justified in whatever they > do > > and > > > > say. > > > > > > > > > > For what it's worth, when I first started reading about BPD, > I > > > > started recognizing traits in myself and also became concerned > I > > > > might have it. I've since read the same thing from many many > > people > > > > on this board. It's a really common fear among us KOs! > > > > > > > > > > Also, I've been living in NY for 46 years -- the Therapy > > Capital of > > > > the Universe -- and I've NEVER found a good therapist -- and > > believe > > > > me, I've looked for one. They've all been clueless when it > comes > > to > > > > dealing with personality disorders. None of my nada's > therapists > > > > EVER diagnosed her -- and none of my therapists ever suggested > > she > > > > might be a BP (which is laughable to me now, it's so > obvious!!) > > > > Even Dr. Phil is clueless when it comes to personality > > disorders. > > > > So, I don't think it's just a matter of not living in this > > country -- > > > > I think it's very hard to find real help, no matter where you > > live! > > > > > > > > > > Maybe you can find a therapist who will work with you on the > > phone > > > > or on-line? > > > > > > > > > > Best, > > > > > > > > > > S > > > > > > > > > > Am I going BPD too?? > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > > > > > I'm new to this forum but have been doing a huge amount of > > > > > > research on > > > > > > BPD - and also have read UTBM which helped a great deal. > > > > > > > > > > > > As I said in my previous post my nada was admitted to > > hospital > > > > last > > > > > > week with a suspected brain tumour. it turned out to be an > > > > aneurysm. > > > > > > very serious but she is in stable condition. > > > > > > > > > > > > I live 20,000km away from her and have had NC for about 5 > > years. a > > > > > > relief to say the least, but hard as I worry now that I > have > > two > > > > small > > > > > > kids, live in a foreign country where English is not the > > first OR > > > > > > second language, that I'm starting to turn out like nada! > > > > > > > > > > > > my husband reluctantly said that I do possess some nada > bpd > > traits > > > > > > when we argue but mostly its around PMT time. I have also > > suffered > > > > > > depression for years and been on meds for about 5years, > since > > > > > > the nc > > > > > > from nada, when i had a major depressive episode. > > > > > > > > > > > > So what im saying is, i get angry, sooo angry either at > the > > kids > > > > > > or my > > > > > > husband and start thinking really crazy things to the > theme > > of > > > > > > " why am > > > > > > I the one who has to do everything, think of everything, > > can't > > > > > > you use > > > > > > your initiative " (mostly those thoughts directed at my > > husband) > > > > and > > > > > > result in me blaming him etc, and me having extreme mood > > swings of > > > > > > crying to not saying anything (the cold treatment my > mother > > use to > > > > > > do)....arrghhh!!! I see that I'm starting to sound like > HER > > and > > > > > > becoming the victim which is not what I want at all! but > how > > do > > > > > > I stop it? > > > > > > > > > > > > The other problem is I cant find a good therapist here > that > > speaks > > > > > > english, not to mention a person who is right for me. > > > > > > > > > > > > In my home country it wasnt a problem but here we have the > > > > > > support of > > > > > > my husbands family and back home we have no support, > except > > for > > > > good > > > > > > friends and the system which speaks English :-) > > > > > > > > > > > > So many issues, sorry !!! must be the xmas stress and > winter > > > > > > upon me > > > > > > that brings it all out. > > > > > > > > > > > > Im just hoping someone out there is in or has been in a > > similar > > > > > > situation as me and can shed some light? > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for all the wonderful posts out there, I read them > > daily > > > > and > > > > > > relate so much!! I wish I could respond with advice, and > will > > > > > > try to > > > > > > in the future. > > > > > > > > > > > > x > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 24, 2008 Report Share Posted December 24, 2008 Thanks for the supportive messages, especially at Christmas! This forum means the world to me!!! Its hard to determine what reactions or thoughts I have are 'normal' or burned in from my nadas parenting skills. I have although read UTBM and still re-read through it. I've the other book suggested surviving the borderline parent, but it didn't help at the time I bought it. May try it again. for2009- I was in a similar boat as you. My parents split when I was two, problems started to escalate at 15 when I got to meet my father for the *first* time. Then again when I really needed some parental support and she wasn't giving it to me I got back in contact with him at 25. She pretty much disowned me, and tells people that he brainwashes everyone around him including me and that's exactly what I do now to my little sister (she's 20 and still somewhat dependant upon nada) *sigh* An old flatmate of mine once said " take what she says as a compliment that you can *brainwash* people she must really think highly of you! " I think he said it in part sarcasim just to lighten the affect of her words at the time, but its funny to remember. I must say though, even though nada is in hospital and all this rigmarole has gone on with her operation etc, the NC for me is more important for my own sanity and my family's too. It helps that we are over the other side of the world to her too though! mind you technology doesn't stop her. I had to block her on facebook so she couldn't get into my profile to see pix of our kids! sounds cruel but who knows what she would do with them. Parade them around the house I suppose?! enough venting. Wishing you all a merry christmas! chins up and pop open that bubbly! :-) xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 I was worried about the same thing. I would find myself interacting with my husband a certain way in a discussion turned argument by my hand and recognizing right away how I'd done it and why. I would then go back, apologize to my hubby and do the right thing within either minutes, hours or a day or two. No matter what the behavoir or incident, I always recognized and found a way to correct it and/or avoid it in the future.  My therapist was very adamant that I'm not bpd - but that as a KO we pick up traits of the bpd and try to *apply* them to our interactions wtih certain relationships - particularly hubbies. Especially if it's the mother/daughter relationship. My therapist was very specific about the difference bw those traits and being BPD yourself. Basically if you recognize the bpd behavoir - you're probably, (like 99.9% not) not bpd bc bpd's never recognize their behavoir. It goes against the very grain of their thinking.  So if you're seeing it - you're not bpd - and you can get the control back and right the wrongs etc. Or fix em or whatever  Hope this helps - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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