Letter to Nada - Please advise ... thanks

[Guest guest]

I've been NC for about a year and Nada won't stop calling.  I was really upset

today about it and felt ... well very frustrated.  She has total amnesia of what

has happened over the last year or when she last had me and the children for

Xmas.  Last year was hell and I refuse to let her ruin my holidays this year.

 

So I wrote her a letter.  I'm posting it below.  I'm kind of looking for some

feedback.  I know I haven't given this list a real detailed intro to my issues,

but I see so many in common with several posts, I just don't want to bore

anyone.  Ugh ... I know I'm not as strong right now as I normally am, so please

bear with me.

 

I feel like I've weakened my defenses a little bit by sending an email.  But I

felt if I didn't - I don't know I'm just so angry.  Let me know your thoughts

about the email if you have the time.  Thanks in advance. -

==================

 

Obviously, given the pictures you sent, you know precisely what pictures I'm

looking for and why.  I would appreciate it if you would send them on.  Pictures

of me and my father, or his family, have no place taking up dust in your house. 

Please send them where they belong.  I have asked this before, starting a year

ago and as I said, it's obvious you know exactly what I'm referring to.

I believe you suffer from a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Both of my prior therapists have surmised the same.  Take this any you wish, the

bottom line is that something has been wrong for a long time and I finally know

it's not me.  I have worked through many issues, but I am not a BPD.  That much

is very clear.  Your mother is a classic BPD and as evidenced by your recent

amnesia of the past year (among many other things) so are you.

The only way I am willing to have any contact with you beyond this email is IF

you get into therapy with a therapist who is not someone who just says what you

want to hear.  You need help.  If you come to terms with the fact that you are

much a problem in this situation as any other issue, then we may have a place to

begin.  IF you enter therapy and explore the conditions of BPD for yourself, I

will permit limited contact with myself.  The rest of my family is off limits

until progress is made.

These are the terms and they are not negotiable.  If you are not willing to get

help, then we have no reason to be in contact.  As far as I'm concerned you have

passed away.  You are not a mother in this condition, not a friend, not anything

but a chronic negative influence that seeks to reel me in and then bite

nastily.  It's a trait of BPD and you do it repeatedly.

Please do not call the cell phones.  No one is going to answer the calls.  If

you wish to respond via email, you'll have to go through Landon as all emails to

me are blocked. 

Just so we are clear.  You get into therapy to deal with your BPD, based on your

progress I may choose to reinitiate contact with strict boundaries until

progress is made.

Mandt

[Guest guest]

Your letter sounds like one that all of us wish we could send and

wish would lead to real change on behalf of the nada. Unfortunately,

it's probably a waste of ink (or pixels?). Part of BPD is complete

inability to acknowledge that anything is fundamentally wrong with

them. Therefore, if you're pointing out something that's wrong with

them, there must be something wrong with you (in the mind of the

BPD). Letters like this get turned around on you almost

instantaneously. But they are sometimes cathartic to write, even if

they never see the light of day.

>

> I've been NC for about a year and Nada won't stop calling.  I was

really upset today about it and felt ... well very frustrated.  She

has total amnesia of what has happened over the last year or when she

last had me and the children for Xmas.  Last year was hell and I

refuse to let her ruin my holidays this year.

>  

> So I wrote her a letter.  I'm posting it below.  I'm kind of

looking for some feedback.  I know I haven't given this list a real

detailed intro to my issues, but I see so many in common with several

posts, I just don't want to bore anyone.  Ugh ... I know I'm not as

strong right now as I normally am, so please bear with me.

>  

> I feel like I've weakened my defenses a little bit by sending an

email.  But I felt if I didn't - I don't know I'm just so angry.  Let

me know your thoughts about the email if you have the time.  Thanks

in advance. -

> ==================

>  

> Obviously, given the pictures you sent, you know precisely what

pictures I'm looking for and why.  I would appreciate it if you would

send them on.  Pictures of me and my father, or his family, have no

place taking up dust in your house.  Please send them where they

belong.  I have asked this before, starting a year ago and as I said,

it's obvious you know exactly what I'm referring to.

>

> I believe you suffer from a condition called Borderline Personality

Disorder.  Both of my prior therapists have surmised the same.  Take

this any you wish, the bottom line is that something has been wrong

for a long time and I finally know it's not me.  I have worked

through many issues, but I am not a BPD.  That much is very clear. 

Your mother is a classic BPD and as evidenced by your recent amnesia

of the past year (among many other things) so are you.

>

> The only way I am willing to have any contact with you beyond this

email is IF you get into therapy with a therapist who is not someone

who just says what you want to hear.  You need help.  If you come to

terms with the fact that you are much a problem in this situation as

any other issue, then we may have a place to begin.  IF you enter

therapy and explore the conditions of BPD for yourself, I will permit

limited contact with myself.  The rest of my family is off limits

until progress is made.

>

> These are the terms and they are not negotiable.  If you are not

willing to get help, then we have no reason to be in contact.  As far

as I'm concerned you have passed away.  You are not a mother in this

condition, not a friend, not anything but a chronic negative

influence that seeks to reel me in and then bite nastily.  It's a

trait of BPD and you do it repeatedly.

>

> Please do not call the cell phones.  No one is going to answer the

calls.  If you wish to respond via email, you'll have to go through

Landon as all emails to me are blocked. 

>

> Just so we are clear.  You get into therapy to deal with your BPD,

based on your progress I may choose to reinitiate contact with strict

boundaries until progress is made.

>

> Mandt

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm proud of you for taking this step -- for expressing your feelings, making

your requests and sending it off. I think your letter is wonderfully written

and to the point. I also think you've given your nada the best chance at

understanding what you'd like her to do to keep you in her life (of course,

whether or not she complies is another matter!)

I confronted my nada with the truth about her having BPD a few times before I

went NC. I'm glad I told her MY TRUTH, whether or not she heard or believed me.

(I told her in person so was able to see her response immediately. It was

actually pretty comical, at first she was like a non-blinking malfunctining

android, and then went straight to denial mode. Oh well! Her prob, not mine.)

This is just another step on YOUR journey of recovery -- whatever she does or

doesn't do, it's time to take care of yourself now. I can understand your

feeling weakened and vulnerable after sending her the letter, but I truly don't

believe anything really bad can come from speaking your truth!

Congratulations! Keep us posted.

-S

Re: Letter to Nada - Please advise ... thanks

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Your letter sounds like one that all of us wish we could send

> and

> wish would lead to real change on behalf of the nada.

> Unfortunately,

> it's probably a waste of ink (or pixels?). Part of BPD is

> complete

> inability to acknowledge that anything is fundamentally wrong

> with

> them. Therefore, if you're pointing out something that's wrong

> with

> them, there must be something wrong with you (in the mind of the

> BPD). Letters like this get turned around on you almost

> instantaneously. But they are sometimes cathartic to write,

> even if

> they never see the light of day.

>

>

> >

> > I've been NC for about a year and Nada won't stop calling. I

> was

> really upset today about it and felt ... well very frustrated.

> She

> has total amnesia of what has happened over the last year or

> when she

> last had me and the children for Xmas. Last year was hell and I

> refuse to let her ruin my holidays this year.

> >

> > So I wrote her a letter. I'm posting it below. I'm kind of

> looking for some feedback. I know I haven't given this list a

> real

> detailed intro to my issues, but I see so many in common with

> several

> posts, I just don't want to bore anyone. Ugh ... I know I'm not

> as

> strong right now as I normally am, so please bear with me.

> >

> > I feel like I've weakened my defenses a little bit by sending

> an

> email. But I felt if I didn't - I don't know I'm just so

> angry. Let

> me know your thoughts about the email if you have the time.

> Thanks

> in advance. -

> > ==================

> >

> > Obviously, given the pictures you sent, you know precisely

> what

> pictures I'm looking for and why. I would appreciate it if you

> would

> send them on. Pictures of me and my father, or his family, have

> no

> place taking up dust in your house. Please send them where they

> belong. I have asked this before, starting a year ago and as I

> said,

> it's obvious you know exactly what I'm referring to.

> >

> > I believe you suffer from a condition called Borderline

> Personality

> Disorder. Both of my prior therapists have surmised the same.

> Take

> this any you wish, the bottom line is that something has been

> wrong

> for a long time and I finally know it's not me. I have worked

> through many issues, but I am not a BPD. That much is very

> clear.

> Your mother is a classic BPD and as evidenced by your recent

> amnesia

> of the past year (among many other things) so are you.

> >

> > The only way I am willing to have any contact with you beyond

> this

> email is IF you get into therapy with a therapist who is not

> someone

> who just says what you want to hear. You need help. If you

> come to

> terms with the fact that you are much a problem in this

> situation as

> any other issue, then we may have a place to begin. IF you

> enter

> therapy and explore the conditions of BPD for yourself, I will

> permit

> limited contact with myself. The rest of my family is off

> limits

> until progress is made.

> >

> > These are the terms and they are not negotiable. If you are

> not

> willing to get help, then we have no reason to be in contact.

> As far

> as I'm concerned you have passed away. You are not a mother in

> this

> condition, not a friend, not anything but a chronic negative

> influence that seeks to reel me in and then bite nastily. It's

> a

> trait of BPD and you do it repeatedly.

> >

> > Please do not call the cell phones. No one is going to answer

> the

> calls. If you wish to respond via email, you'll have to go

> through

> Landon as all emails to me are blocked.

> >

> > Just so we are clear. You get into therapy to deal with your

> BPD,

> based on your progress I may choose to reinitiate contact with

> strict

> boundaries until progress is made.

> >

> > Mandt

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree with this post- be proud of yourself- it is not easy standing

up to nada!! You are evolving and whether nada gets it or not-is not

what is important here- it is the fact you get it.

It is a huge part of your journey and recovery!!

Malinda

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm proud of you for taking this step -- for expressing your

feelings, making your requests and sending it off. I think your

letter is wonderfully written and to the point. I also think you've

given your nada the best chance at understanding what you'd like her

to do to keep you in her life (of course, whether or not she complies

is another matter!)

>

> I confronted my nada with the truth about her having BPD a few

times before I went NC. I'm glad I told her MY TRUTH, whether or not

she heard or believed me. (I told her in person so was able to see

her response immediately. It was actually pretty comical, at first

she was like a non-blinking malfunctining android, and then went

straight to denial mode. Oh well! Her prob, not mine.)

>

> This is just another step on YOUR journey of recovery -- whatever

she does or doesn't do, it's time to take care of yourself now. I

can understand your feeling weakened and vulnerable after sending her

the letter, but I truly don't believe anything really bad can come

from speaking your truth!

>

> Congratulations! Keep us posted.

>

> -S

>

>

>

>

>

> Re: Letter to Nada - Please advise ...

thanks

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Your letter sounds like one that all of us wish we could send

> > and

> > wish would lead to real change on behalf of the nada.

> > Unfortunately,

> > it's probably a waste of ink (or pixels?). Part of BPD is

> > complete

> > inability to acknowledge that anything is fundamentally wrong

> > with

> > them. Therefore, if you're pointing out something that's wrong

> > with

> > them, there must be something wrong with you (in the mind of the

> > BPD). Letters like this get turned around on you almost

> > instantaneously. But they are sometimes cathartic to write,

> > even if

> > they never see the light of day.

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I've been NC for about a year and Nada won't stop calling. I

> > was

> > really upset today about it and felt ... well very frustrated.

> > She

> > has total amnesia of what has happened over the last year or

> > when she

> > last had me and the children for Xmas. Last year was hell and I

> > refuse to let her ruin my holidays this year.

> > >

> > > So I wrote her a letter. I'm posting it below. I'm kind of

> > looking for some feedback. I know I haven't given this list a

> > real

> > detailed intro to my issues, but I see so many in common with

> > several

> > posts, I just don't want to bore anyone. Ugh ... I know I'm not

> > as

> > strong right now as I normally am, so please bear with me.

> > >

> > > I feel like I've weakened my defenses a little bit by sending

> > an

> > email. But I felt if I didn't - I don't know I'm just so

> > angry. Let

> > me know your thoughts about the email if you have the time.

> > Thanks

> > in advance. -

> > > ==================

> > >

> > > Obviously, given the pictures you sent, you know precisely

> > what

> > pictures I'm looking for and why. I would appreciate it if you

> > would

> > send them on. Pictures of me and my father, or his family, have

> > no

> > place taking up dust in your house. Please send them where they

> > belong. I have asked this before, starting a year ago and as I

> > said,

> > it's obvious you know exactly what I'm referring to.

> > >

> > > I believe you suffer from a condition called Borderline

> > Personality

> > Disorder. Both of my prior therapists have surmised the same.

> > Take

> > this any you wish, the bottom line is that something has been

> > wrong

> > for a long time and I finally know it's not me. I have worked

> > through many issues, but I am not a BPD. That much is very

> > clear.

> > Your mother is a classic BPD and as evidenced by your recent

> > amnesia

> > of the past year (among many other things) so are you.

> > >

> > > The only way I am willing to have any contact with you beyond

> > this

> > email is IF you get into therapy with a therapist who is not

> > someone

> > who just says what you want to hear. You need help. If you

> > come to

> > terms with the fact that you are much a problem in this

> > situation as

> > any other issue, then we may have a place to begin. IF you

> > enter

> > therapy and explore the conditions of BPD for yourself, I will

> > permit

> > limited contact with myself. The rest of my family is off

> > limits

> > until progress is made.

> > >

> > > These are the terms and they are not negotiable. If you are

> > not

> > willing to get help, then we have no reason to be in contact.

> > As far

> > as I'm concerned you have passed away. You are not a mother in

> > this

> > condition, not a friend, not anything but a chronic negative

> > influence that seeks to reel me in and then bite nastily. It's

> > a

> > trait of BPD and you do it repeatedly.

> > >

> > > Please do not call the cell phones. No one is going to answer

> > the

> > calls. If you wish to respond via email, you'll have to go

> > through

> > Landon as all emails to me are blocked.

> > >

> > > Just so we are clear. You get into therapy to deal with your

> > BPD,

> > based on your progress I may choose to reinitiate contact with

> > strict

> > boundaries until progress is made.

> > >

> > > Mandt

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I have to also agree with the above 'posters' its exhilirating being

able to lay it out on the table so to speak.

I did a similar thing with my nada a few months back(prev.5yrs NC) and

told her she was a " f***ing psycho b*tch " then hung up on her. I was

shaking afterwards and the adrenaline was pumping but it was oh so

good! Then....afterwards I cried and cried and felt terrible. The

guilt thing is what we've all put up with over the years from our

nadas family and society in general, that above all nada is our

mother. But come on!!! what if our mother(s) is/are sick and

completely inable to emotionally care for her kids??!!! Surely

emotional stability is of upmost importance?!

In summary, well done! The holidays often bring about these things,

(personally I've always hated the holidays but was in such a *fog* of

thinking that " this time would be better " and couldn't understand why

I was so disappointed afterwards).

The whole NC has been life changing and a rescue for me and I strongly

believe you will feel empowered also. You can't feel guilty about

telling someone how you feel or give them the facts, you have every

right to do so, especially with your own mother! a mother should be

the ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD we can turn to at any time and not be

ridiculed or whatever for doing so! :-(

You mentioned something about getting photos from her? I'm sure you

know this already that its her powerplay of keeping you in contact

with her about something or anything so she can manipulate you. Have

you asked other family or your father about copies of the photos? Do

you have a spare key or anything to her house that you could use when

she is not there and sneak in to find them?

Best of luck!!!! We are here to help and support you

Ange

xx

> > > >

> > > > I've been NC for about a year and Nada won't stop calling. I

> > > was

> > > really upset today about it and felt ... well very frustrated.

> > > She

> > > has total amnesia of what has happened over the last year or

> > > when she

> > > last had me and the children for Xmas. Last year was hell and I

> > > refuse to let her ruin my holidays this year.

> > > >

> > > > So I wrote her a letter. I'm posting it below. I'm kind of

> > > looking for some feedback. I know I haven't given this list a

> > > real

> > > detailed intro to my issues, but I see so many in common with

> > > several

> > > posts, I just don't want to bore anyone. Ugh ... I know I'm not

> > > as

> > > strong right now as I normally am, so please bear with me.

> > > >

> > > > I feel like I've weakened my defenses a little bit by sending

> > > an

> > > email. But I felt if I didn't - I don't know I'm just so

> > > angry. Let

> > > me know your thoughts about the email if you have the time.

> > > Thanks

> > > in advance. -

> > > > ==================

> > > >

> > > > Obviously, given the pictures you sent, you know precisely

> > > what

> > > pictures I'm looking for and why. I would appreciate it if you

> > > would

> > > send them on. Pictures of me and my father, or his family, have

> > > no

> > > place taking up dust in your house. Please send them where they

> > > belong. I have asked this before, starting a year ago and as I

> > > said,

> > > it's obvious you know exactly what I'm referring to.

> > > >

> > > > I believe you suffer from a condition called Borderline

> > > Personality

> > > Disorder. Both of my prior therapists have surmised the same.

> > > Take

> > > this any you wish, the bottom line is that something has been

> > > wrong

> > > for a long time and I finally know it's not me. I have worked

> > > through many issues, but I am not a BPD. That much is very

> > > clear.

> > > Your mother is a classic BPD and as evidenced by your recent

> > > amnesia

> > > of the past year (among many other things) so are you.

> > > >

> > > > The only way I am willing to have any contact with you beyond

> > > this

> > > email is IF you get into therapy with a therapist who is not

> > > someone

> > > who just says what you want to hear. You need help. If you

> > > come to

> > > terms with the fact that you are much a problem in this

> > > situation as

> > > any other issue, then we may have a place to begin. IF you

> > > enter

> > > therapy and explore the conditions of BPD for yourself, I will

> > > permit

> > > limited contact with myself. The rest of my family is off

> > > limits

> > > until progress is made.

> > > >

> > > > These are the terms and they are not negotiable. If you are

> > > not

> > > willing to get help, then we have no reason to be in contact.

> > > As far

> > > as I'm concerned you have passed away. You are not a mother in

> > > this

> > > condition, not a friend, not anything but a chronic negative

> > > influence that seeks to reel me in and then bite nastily. It's

> > > a

> > > trait of BPD and you do it repeatedly.

> > > >

> > > > Please do not call the cell phones. No one is going to answer

> > > the

> > > calls. If you wish to respond via email, you'll have to go

> > > through

> > > Landon as all emails to me are blocked.

> > > >

> > > > Just so we are clear. You get into therapy to deal with your

> > > BPD,

> > > based on your progress I may choose to reinitiate contact with

> > > strict

> > > boundaries until progress is made.

> > > >

> > > > Mandt

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >