Re: She can't keep up the charade for long!

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate! Our nada can be very sweet and pleasant but its

like an acrobat walking on her hands: she can't keep it up

indefinitely because it takes a great deal of effort and concentration.

Right now both Sister and I are " black " because we are " punishing "

nada. We have stipulated that in order for us to resume a

relationship as a family, nada must attend therapy with a

psychotherapist and own the very hurtful insults she most recently

spewed at Sister (which is 6 months ago now! I can't believe so much

nada-free time has passed so quickly!)

So since we adult children & adult grandchild are not currently

available to serve nada, nada has been walking on her hands around her

own sisters, even the one she completely loathes! After a lifetime of

vitriolic words and hateful behaviors directed at Auntie the Elder,

our mother's older sister, our nada is now in full " Beatific Martyr "

role and soliciting sympathy, attention, time and services from Auntie

the Elder's adult kids.

It has always amazed me, BTW, that Auntie the Elder just lets our

nada's words slide off of her, as though she doesn't even hear them.

If nada starts in on AtE, attacking her verbally, Auntie the Elder

simply wanders away. I have never heard one mean, hateful word ever

pass AtE's lips directed at ANYone; she is truly angelic.

It will be interesting to me to see how long our nada can walk on her

hands with our cousins, Auntie the Elder's adult kids. I've heard

that a few years back, nada upset the older of these two female

cousins who had kindly offered to drive nada somewhere: nada was doing

her usual Terrified (and Dangerous) Passenger thing to this female

cousin! How long *can* nada play the " Angelic Victim " role; how long

can she walk on her hands this time?

As another poster said, all this would be funny if it weren't

happening to me, personally. From my position in this little

soap-opera, it ain't funny at all. It just hurts.

It just occurred to me that what hurts is the whole idea that nada can

and does choose to be nice sometimes, to other people, but chooses not

to be nice to Sister and me. And it hurts to realize that the

niceness is and always has been just an act, and a hair's-breadth in

dimension. I don't think she ever meant it, really; being nice was and

is just another way to manipulate people into doing what she wants

them to do. That makes me sad; nada's " niceness " is just a mimicry of

real human feeling... a mask that I once wanted very badly to believe

was her real face.

-Annie

>

> So, since I went practically NC and have been painted black this

> past year, my sister has been painted white, and at times, I think

> she enjoys it. Don't take it wrong, my sis and I get along great for

> the most part, but now we are both black!

>

> My sister's car is acting up and the mechanic said he couldn't find

> the problem, but there are still symptoms (car stalls and is shaking

> some). She doesn't feel comfortable driving it the 8 hours it would

> take to get to nada for christmas. Plus she is tired and worn out

> from school and work. Poor kid has been busy this year!

>

> So last night she tells me that she is going to tell nada that she

> can't make it this year, and is worried about how nada will react.

>

> Well, none to our surprise, NADA was pissed. She said to my

> sister " well, this WAS going to be a great Christmas this year! " and

> then told my sister things like " you should have listened to me a

> month ago and did this and your car wouldn't be broken! " and " you

> should have listened to me and never bought that car! " She made my

> sis feel really bad.

>

> I told Susie (sis) that moms reaction is not normal. That a normal

> parent would have been sad, but not mad and angry. A more proper

> response would have been sympathetic, like " I'm really going to miss

> you this Christmas, but just stay safe and I hope you have a great

> holiday, we will keep in touch this week!!! "

>

> before nada's response, I offered my new car to my sister several

> times...I would have let her borrow it. But I think a small part of

> her was actually relieved that she wouldn't have to go all the way

> down there for another nada Christmas.

>

> Last night after nada's scathing response to my sister, I told my

> sis that I know how she feels and that it is really hard to feel

> that way, and that she isn't at fault for anything and has nothing

> to feel guilty about.

>

> She still feels bad though.

>

> This may sound a little devilish of me, but I'm kinda glad that she

> isn't going anywhere! She gets to relax, Nada learns that she

> doesn't always get what she wants (even from the white child!), and

> I get to see my sister at Christmas time!

>

> I hope that didn't sound too selfish of me.

>

> But, the charade I mentioned in the post subject....ever since I was

> painted black, nada has been playing a game...acting like a nice

> wonderful person ALL the time to EVERYONE but me, so that they think

> she is the good suffering parent and I'm the bitch of a daughter. It

> was even working on my sister for a while.

>

> I guess this shituation with my sis made it a little hard for her to

> be nice and continue the charade, didn't it?

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Even though we are all sad, you still made me chuckle. I just discovered

my mother has BPD. I'm nearly 34 and knew something was VEEEERRRRYYYY

wrong, but never knew what. I'm just starting out (literally this week)

researching and finding support.

My mother just went from rage to the martyr (even reminding me that she

" bore " me and deserves better) because I wouldn't come see her. Then when

I finally snapped from drowning in her pity, she tells me that I really

need to get over all the " bullshit " I think she did to me and make sure I

stay in counseling. Unbelievable. How after all these years does she still

catch me off guard???????

I told her not to contact me anymore, but I know she will. Can you tell me

more about how you got to the point of drawing the boundary with your

nada? Is it one of those things that is actually less scary than you

always feared it would be??

Thanks,

Bridget Lindsey

Process Assistant III

Acquisitions & Divestitures

HighMount Exploration & Production LLC

Fax

Email: blindsey@...

" Be the change you want to see in the world. " -Mahatma Gandhi

[Guest guest]

It's not selfish, it's vindication and you are allowed to feel good

about it. She sounds like she's in 3rd grade, acting one way to your

sister just to get back at you. She could only keep up the act for so

long because it was never genuine and you saw through that. Give

yourself a pat on the back for that!! If this behavior was with

someone else that wasn't your own mother, it would be laughable.

Unfortunately it hurts when it is the one person in the world that is

supposed to always be there for you. That part sucks. But I truly

believe that when you recognize her behavior for what it is it will

hurt less because you will start to see right through her. I look

back at all of the times that I only saw it after the fact, now I see

it when she does something and it doesn't hurt me like it did before.

>

> So, since I went practically NC and have been painted black this

> past year, my sister has been painted white, and at times, I think

> she enjoys it. Don't take it wrong, my sis and I get along great for

> the most part, but now we are both black!

>

> My sister's car is acting up and the mechanic said he couldn't find

> the problem, but there are still symptoms (car stalls and is shaking

> some). She doesn't feel comfortable driving it the 8 hours it would

> take to get to nada for christmas. Plus she is tired and worn out

> from school and work. Poor kid has been busy this year!

>

> So last night she tells me that she is going to tell nada that she

> can't make it this year, and is worried about how nada will react.

>

> Well, none to our surprise, NADA was pissed. She said to my

> sister " well, this WAS going to be a great Christmas this year! " and

> then told my sister things like " you should have listened to me a

> month ago and did this and your car wouldn't be broken! " and " you

> should have listened to me and never bought that car! " She made my

> sis feel really bad.

>

> I told Susie (sis) that moms reaction is not normal. That a normal

> parent would have been sad, but not mad and angry. A more proper

> response would have been sympathetic, like " I'm really going to miss

> you this Christmas, but just stay safe and I hope you have a great

> holiday, we will keep in touch this week!!! "

>

> before nada's response, I offered my new car to my sister several

> times...I would have let her borrow it. But I think a small part of

> her was actually relieved that she wouldn't have to go all the way

> down there for another nada Christmas.

>

> Last night after nada's scathing response to my sister, I told my

> sis that I know how she feels and that it is really hard to feel

> that way, and that she isn't at fault for anything and has nothing

> to feel guilty about.

>

> She still feels bad though.

>

> This may sound a little devilish of me, but I'm kinda glad that she

> isn't going anywhere! She gets to relax, Nada learns that she

> doesn't always get what she wants (even from the white child!), and

> I get to see my sister at Christmas time!

>

> I hope that didn't sound too selfish of me.

>

> But, the charade I mentioned in the post subject....ever since I was

> painted black, nada has been playing a game...acting like a nice

> wonderful person ALL the time to EVERYONE but me, so that they think

> she is the good suffering parent and I'm the bitch of a daughter. It

> was even working on my sister for a while.

>

> I guess this shituation with my sis made it a little hard for her to

> be nice and continue the charade, didn't it?

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

I can't keep back from sharing your sentiment about your nada shitting on your

sister.

I was always black.

Now my nada had some kind of breakdown & really came on hard on my sister, who

was white, and hoooorrible to me all those years. Nada yelled at my sister for

three hours in the hospital. I heard from an uncle that my sister was crying for

days after getting what I got all these years. Good for her.

In your last paragraph you write " I guess the whole SHITUATION with my

sister... 

I don't know if this was intentional, but I liked it. 

Subject: She can't keep up the charade for long!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2008, 3:54 PM

So, since I went practically NC and have been painted black this

past year, my sister has been painted white, and at times, I think

she enjoys it. Don't take it wrong, my sis and I get along great for

the most part, but now we are both black!

My sister's car is acting up and the mechanic said he couldn't find

the problem, but there are still symptoms (car stalls and is shaking

some). She doesn't feel comfortable driving it the 8 hours it would

take to get to nada for christmas. Plus she is tired and worn out

from school and work. Poor kid has been busy this year!

So last night she tells me that she is going to tell nada that she

can't make it this year, and is worried about how nada will react.

Well, none to our surprise, NADA was pissed. She said to my

sister " well, this WAS going to be a great Christmas this year! " and

then told my sister things like " you should have listened to me a

month ago and did this and your car wouldn't be broken! " and " you

should have listened to me and never bought that car! " She made my

sis feel really bad.

I told Susie (sis) that moms reaction is not normal. That a normal

parent would have been sad, but not mad and angry. A more proper

response would have been sympathetic, like " I'm really going to miss

you this Christmas, but just stay safe and I hope you have a great

holiday, we will keep in touch this week!!! "

before nada's response, I offered my new car to my sister several

times...I would have let her borrow it. But I think a small part of

her was actually relieved that she wouldn't have to go all the way

down there for another nada Christmas.

Last night after nada's scathing response to my sister, I told my

sis that I know how she feels and that it is really hard to feel

that way, and that she isn't at fault for anything and has nothing

to feel guilty about.

She still feels bad though.

This may sound a little devilish of me, but I'm kinda glad that she

isn't going anywhere! She gets to relax, Nada learns that she

doesn't always get what she wants (even from the white child!), and

I get to see my sister at Christmas time!

I hope that didn't sound too selfish of me.

But, the charade I mentioned in the post subject....ever since I was

painted black, nada has been playing a game...acting like a nice

wonderful person ALL the time to EVERYONE but me, so that they think

she is the good suffering parent and I'm the bitch of a daughter. It

was even working on my sister for a while.

I guess this shituation with my sis made it a little hard for her to

be nice and continue the charade, didn't it?

~Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Saul....and yes, what I wrote WAS intentional!!!

>

>

> Subject: She can't keep up the charade for long!

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2008, 3:54 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> So, since I went practically NC and have been painted black this

> past year, my sister has been painted white, and at times, I think

> she enjoys it. Don't take it wrong, my sis and I get along great

for

> the most part, but now we are both black!

>

> My sister's car is acting up and the mechanic said he couldn't find

> the problem, but there are still symptoms (car stalls and is

shaking

> some). She doesn't feel comfortable driving it the 8 hours it would

> take to get to nada for christmas. Plus she is tired and worn out

> from school and work. Poor kid has been busy this year!

>

> So last night she tells me that she is going to tell nada that she

> can't make it this year, and is worried about how nada will react.

>

> Well, none to our surprise, NADA was pissed. She said to my

> sister " well, this WAS going to be a great Christmas this year! "

and

> then told my sister things like " you should have listened to me a

> month ago and did this and your car wouldn't be broken! " and " you

> should have listened to me and never bought that car! " She made my

> sis feel really bad.

>

> I told Susie (sis) that moms reaction is not normal. That a normal

> parent would have been sad, but not mad and angry. A more proper

> response would have been sympathetic, like " I'm really going to

miss

> you this Christmas, but just stay safe and I hope you have a great

> holiday, we will keep in touch this week!!! "

>

> before nada's response, I offered my new car to my sister several

> times...I would have let her borrow it. But I think a small part of

> her was actually relieved that she wouldn't have to go all the way

> down there for another nada Christmas.

>

> Last night after nada's scathing response to my sister, I told my

> sis that I know how she feels and that it is really hard to feel

> that way, and that she isn't at fault for anything and has nothing

> to feel guilty about.

>

> She still feels bad though.

>

> This may sound a little devilish of me, but I'm kinda glad that she

> isn't going anywhere! She gets to relax, Nada learns that she

> doesn't always get what she wants (even from the white child!), and

> I get to see my sister at Christmas time!

>

> I hope that didn't sound too selfish of me.

>

> But, the charade I mentioned in the post subject....ever since I

was

> painted black, nada has been playing a game...acting like a nice

> wonderful person ALL the time to EVERYONE but me, so that they

think

> she is the good suffering parent and I'm the bitch of a daughter.

It

> was even working on my sister for a while.

>

> I guess this shituation with my sis made it a little hard for her

to

> be nice and continue the charade, didn't it?

>

> ~Sara Jo

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>hello bridget, another bridget here!

yes you are totally normal! it took me until i was 40 before i worked

out that my mother has bpd. not an esily diagnosed or obvious mental

illness, bpd is insidious, crazy-making and very very disturbing. i

have had so many light-bulb moments since identifying her problem,

and now realise that most of my problems, insecurities and so on are

a direct result of being the child of a bpd sufferer. rage to martyr

is exactly bpd, as are the guilt trips, the twisting of the truth,

the total lack of self-awareness. there is so much to read on this

forum that i have identified with, so many familiar stories - some

worse than mine, some better. the strength adn support of my loving

husn=band has probably been my biggest saving grace, but so has

reading the eggshells book, researching on-line, and of course this

group.

all strength to you on your journey - it is a sad one, recognising

adn mourning the childhood and mother that you never had, knowing

that what you thought of as normal in your childhood actually wasn't

at all normal but was abusive, hard in that bpd is misunderstood and

not widely known, but ultimately liberating. keep writing and reading

here!

thinking of you

bridget/bernadette

> Annie,

> Even though we are all sad, you still made me chuckle. I just

discovered

> my mother has BPD. I'm nearly 34 and knew something was

VEEEERRRRYYYY

> wrong, but never knew what. I'm just starting out (literally this

week)

> researching and finding support.

>

> My mother just went from rage to the martyr (even reminding me that

she

> " bore " me and deserves better) because I wouldn't come see her.

Then when

> I finally snapped from drowning in her pity, she tells me that I

really

> need to get over all the " bullshit " I think she did to me and make

sure I

> stay in counseling. Unbelievable. How after all these years does

she still

> catch me off guard???????

>

> I told her not to contact me anymore, but I know she will. Can you

tell me

> more about how you got to the point of drawing the boundary with

your

> nada? Is it one of those things that is actually less scary than

you

> always feared it would be??

>

> Thanks,

>

> Bridget Lindsey

> Process Assistant III

> Acquisitions & Divestitures

> HighMount Exploration & Production LLC

>

> Fax

> Email: blindsey@...

>

> " Be the change you want to see in the world. " -Mahatma Gandhi

>

>