Re: Need Advice, Please Help!

[Guest guest]

Hi, !

Just curious.... why exactly do you want to maintain contact?

In my experience there just wasn't any way to protect my son from my nada and

her insane scenes and rages, but this is something everyone has to decide for

themselves. For me, it was the need to protect my son that gave me the

determination to go NC in the end.

It might be a good time to ask yourself: do you REALLY want this woman to have

access to your children?

Best,

S

Need Advice, Please Help!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Hello,

>

> I need advice from mothers or fathers and how you protect your

> children from your parent with BPD. I still talk to my Nada,

> sometimes... when she seems stable and is not self medicating. I am

> currently 6 months pregnant with my first child and the concern

> of how

> I am going to protect my child and future children from her is growing

> and growing. I don't want to completely cut her out of my life,

> but my

> number one goal is to protect my children.

>

> She went on one of her drunken phone rampages last night. She called

> my father (who wants nothing to do with my nada and has been

> that way

> since they divorced 25 years ago) and proceeded to carry on a

> conversation with my fathers wife who was too nice to put an end to

> her ramblings.

>

> Then she called me and insulted me and is already insulting my

> parenting skills. She told me that my child was going to cut me off

> and not talk to me for several years (when I was 17 and she

> kicked me

> out of her house for the 100th time I moved in with my father and

> didn't talk to her for several years why I got counseling for

> all of

> the mental and emotional abuse). Her reason for my child not talking

> to me when they become a teenager was because of " Karma " . I defended

> myself by saying it has nothing to do with Karma it is the

> choices you

> make as a parent that determine the relationship you have with your

> child. I then took the advice my therapist told me so many times

> before, " Mom, I love you but I can tell you have been drinking and

> this conversation is over, we can finish it tomorrow if you would

> like. " She screamed some thing I couldn't even translate and

> hung up.

>

> I woke up this morning to several drunken voicemails, couldn't really

> understand what she was saying, she left my husband several messages

> which he is really not happy about since he has been " done " with her

> for quite some time.

>

> Sorry for such the long post, I really needed to vent. Pregnancy

> hormones and a mother with BPD are a bad combination. I kept it cool

> on the outside but sometimes she just makes my blood boil.

>

> My husbands family and my father and his side of my family are

> wonderful loving people and we are all very close. My Nada is

> the only

> problem when it comes to " family " . I just want to know how you parents

> handle a Nada without letting it affect your children. The last thing

> I want is for my children to be put in the middle or even be the

> slightest bit exposed to one of her " rampages " . Do you tell your

> child/children about BPD and their grandparent? If so, how?

>

> Any and all advice is VERY appreciated!! Thank you everyone in

> advance!!

>

> ~

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Mom, I would very much like my children to be able to know all of

their grandparents. However, I am concerned about some of your

behavior. I expect you to be sober and respectful when you interact

with my family. If you choose to get drunk or yell or insult any of

us, you will forfeit your right to spend time with us. "

>

>

> Hi, !

>

> Just curious.... why exactly do you want to maintain contact?

>

> In my experience there just wasn't any way to protect my son from

my nada and her insane scenes and rages, but this is something

everyone has to decide for themselves. For me, it was the need to

protect my son that gave me the determination to go NC in the end.

>

> It might be a good time to ask yourself: do you REALLY want this

woman to have access to your children?

>

> Best,

>

> S

>

>

>

> Need Advice, Please Help!

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > I need advice from mothers or fathers and how you protect your

> > children from your parent with BPD. I still talk to my Nada,

> > sometimes... when she seems stable and is not self medicating. I

am

> > currently 6 months pregnant with my first child and the concern

> > of how

> > I am going to protect my child and future children from her is

growing

> > and growing. I don't want to completely cut her out of my life,

> > but my

> > number one goal is to protect my children.

> >

> > She went on one of her drunken phone rampages last night. She

called

> > my father (who wants nothing to do with my nada and has been

> > that way

> > since they divorced 25 years ago) and proceeded to carry on a

> > conversation with my fathers wife who was too nice to put an end

to

> > her ramblings.

> >

> > Then she called me and insulted me and is already insulting my

> > parenting skills. She told me that my child was going to cut me

off

> > and not talk to me for several years (when I was 17 and she

> > kicked me

> > out of her house for the 100th time I moved in with my father and

> > didn't talk to her for several years why I got counseling for

> > all of

> > the mental and emotional abuse). Her reason for my child not

talking

> > to me when they become a teenager was because of " Karma " . I

defended

> > myself by saying it has nothing to do with Karma it is the

> > choices you

> > make as a parent that determine the relationship you have with

your

> > child. I then took the advice my therapist told me so many times

> > before, " Mom, I love you but I can tell you have been drinking and

> > this conversation is over, we can finish it tomorrow if you would

> > like. " She screamed some thing I couldn't even translate and

> > hung up.

> >

> > I woke up this morning to several drunken voicemails, couldn't

really

> > understand what she was saying, she left my husband several

messages

> > which he is really not happy about since he has been " done " with

her

> > for quite some time.

> >

> > Sorry for such the long post, I really needed to vent. Pregnancy

> > hormones and a mother with BPD are a bad combination. I kept it

cool

> > on the outside but sometimes she just makes my blood boil.

> >

> > My husbands family and my father and his side of my family are

> > wonderful loving people and we are all very close. My Nada is

> > the only

> > problem when it comes to " family " . I just want to know how you

parents

> > handle a Nada without letting it affect your children. The last

thing

> > I want is for my children to be put in the middle or even be the

> > slightest bit exposed to one of her " rampages " . Do you tell your

> > child/children about BPD and their grandparent? If so, how?

> >

> > Any and all advice is VERY appreciated!! Thank you everyone in

> > advance!!

> >

> > ~

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi S,

I am about to and ready to cut off all contact. I always kept contact

here and there before because it was just me and I felt I was capable

and had the tools to deal with her, but that was also when it was just

me I had to worry about. It is so much bigger than that now since I

have a little life that I am responsible for and am prepared to

protect in any way I have to even if it means going NC. I just want to

hear it from other parents before I decide to go that route. No child

deserves what we went through and what some of us still go through and

I want to hear how everyone deals with it.

Thanks for your advice!

>

>

> Hi, !

>

> Just curious.... why exactly do you want to maintain contact?

>

> In my experience there just wasn't any way to protect my son from my

nada and her insane scenes and rages, but this is something everyone

has to decide for themselves. For me, it was the need to protect my

son that gave me the determination to go NC in the end.

>

> It might be a good time to ask yourself: do you REALLY want this

woman to have access to your children?

>

> Best,

>

> S

>

>

>

> Need Advice, Please Help!

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > I need advice from mothers or fathers and how you protect your

> > children from your parent with BPD. I still talk to my Nada,

> > sometimes... when she seems stable and is not self medicating. I am

> > currently 6 months pregnant with my first child and the concern

> > of how

> > I am going to protect my child and future children from her is growing

> > and growing. I don't want to completely cut her out of my life,

> > but my

> > number one goal is to protect my children.

> >

> > She went on one of her drunken phone rampages last night. She called

> > my father (who wants nothing to do with my nada and has been

> > that way

> > since they divorced 25 years ago) and proceeded to carry on a

> > conversation with my fathers wife who was too nice to put an end to

> > her ramblings.

> >

> > Then she called me and insulted me and is already insulting my

> > parenting skills. She told me that my child was going to cut me off

> > and not talk to me for several years (when I was 17 and she

> > kicked me

> > out of her house for the 100th time I moved in with my father and

> > didn't talk to her for several years why I got counseling for

> > all of

> > the mental and emotional abuse). Her reason for my child not talking

> > to me when they become a teenager was because of " Karma " . I defended

> > myself by saying it has nothing to do with Karma it is the

> > choices you

> > make as a parent that determine the relationship you have with your

> > child. I then took the advice my therapist told me so many times

> > before, " Mom, I love you but I can tell you have been drinking and

> > this conversation is over, we can finish it tomorrow if you would

> > like. " She screamed some thing I couldn't even translate and

> > hung up.

> >

> > I woke up this morning to several drunken voicemails, couldn't really

> > understand what she was saying, she left my husband several messages

> > which he is really not happy about since he has been " done " with her

> > for quite some time.

> >

> > Sorry for such the long post, I really needed to vent. Pregnancy

> > hormones and a mother with BPD are a bad combination. I kept it cool

> > on the outside but sometimes she just makes my blood boil.

> >

> > My husbands family and my father and his side of my family are

> > wonderful loving people and we are all very close. My Nada is

> > the only

> > problem when it comes to " family " . I just want to know how you parents

> > handle a Nada without letting it affect your children. The last thing

> > I want is for my children to be put in the middle or even be the

> > slightest bit exposed to one of her " rampages " . Do you tell your

> > child/children about BPD and their grandparent? If so, how?

> >

> > Any and all advice is VERY appreciated!! Thank you everyone in

> > advance!!

> >

> > ~

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I did tell my kids (ages 9, 7, and 5) that something was wrong with

grandma's brain that made her do mean things, but because she wasn't

willing to try to fix it I decided to keep them away from her so

they wouldn't get hurt. I am also NC. Personally, I felt my kids

had a right to know the general idea behind grandma's behavior, and

given that we've identified the problem, I couldn't rationalize

exposing my kids to it.

>

> Hello,

>

> I need advice from mothers or fathers and how you protect your

> children from your parent with BPD. I still talk to my Nada,

> sometimes... when she seems stable and is not self medicating. I am

> currently 6 months pregnant with my first child and the concern of

how

> I am going to protect my child and future children from her is

growing

> and growing. I don't want to completely cut her out of my life,

but my

> number one goal is to protect my children.

>

> She went on one of her drunken phone rampages last night. She

called

> my father (who wants nothing to do with my nada and has been that

way

> since they divorced 25 years ago) and proceeded to carry on a

> conversation with my fathers wife who was too nice to put an end to

> her ramblings.

>

> Then she called me and insulted me and is already insulting my

> parenting skills. She told me that my child was going to cut me off

> and not talk to me for several years (when I was 17 and she kicked

me

> out of her house for the 100th time I moved in with my father and

> didn't talk to her for several years why I got counseling for all

of

> the mental and emotional abuse). Her reason for my child not

talking

> to me when they become a teenager was because of " Karma " . I

defended

> myself by saying it has nothing to do with Karma it is the choices

you

> make as a parent that determine the relationship you have with your

> child. I then took the advice my therapist told me so many times

> before, " Mom, I love you but I can tell you have been drinking and

> this conversation is over, we can finish it tomorrow if you would

> like. " She screamed some thing I couldn't even translate and hung

up.

>

> I woke up this morning to several drunken voicemails, couldn't

really

> understand what she was saying, she left my husband several

messages

> which he is really not happy about since he has been " done " with

her

> for quite some time.

>

> Sorry for such the long post, I really needed to vent. Pregnancy

> hormones and a mother with BPD are a bad combination. I kept it

cool

> on the outside but sometimes she just makes my blood boil.

>

> My husbands family and my father and his side of my family are

> wonderful loving people and we are all very close. My Nada is the

only

> problem when it comes to " family " . I just want to know how you

parents

> handle a Nada without letting it affect your children. The last

thing

> I want is for my children to be put in the middle or even be the

> slightest bit exposed to one of her " rampages " . Do you tell your

> child/children about BPD and their grandparent? If so, how?

>

> Any and all advice is VERY appreciated!! Thank you everyone in

advance!!

>

> ~

>

[Guest guest]

I have to agree with the below post. I've two little ones and being NC

while I was pregnant and having my babies is the most empowering and

reasonable thing I could have done. Albeit I did long for my own

mother to talk to about her experience and have that " mum support "

that so many other woman seem to have naturally. But I just emersed

myself into books and websites about parenting, stuck to the facts and

asked friends. The emotions surfaced of course, as they do, you are

about to become a mother!! so I lent upon my husband and his family.

They were tough times but also in hindsight much less stress than if I

had contact with my nada.

Mind you, I went NC about a year before I was pregnant with my first,

so in doing so while you are pregnant is entirely up to you. Only you

know what is in your heart and go with your gut feelings! You now have

your own family and that's what's important. Nada had her chance and

her illness blinded her from it, unfortunately. But thats what it is.

Try just to remember the good things about her in this NC period (if

that's what you choose to do) but then let them go too as the bad was

always there lurking in the shadows.

Best of luck

Ange

x

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I need advice from mothers or fathers and how you protect your

> > children from your parent with BPD. I still talk to my Nada,

> > sometimes... when she seems stable and is not self medicating. I am

> > currently 6 months pregnant with my first child and the concern of

> how

> > I am going to protect my child and future children from her is

> growing

> > and growing. I don't want to completely cut her out of my life,

> but my

> > number one goal is to protect my children.

> >

> > She went on one of her drunken phone rampages last night. She

> called

> > my father (who wants nothing to do with my nada and has been that

> way

> > since they divorced 25 years ago) and proceeded to carry on a

> > conversation with my fathers wife who was too nice to put an end to

> > her ramblings.

> >

> > Then she called me and insulted me and is already insulting my

> > parenting skills. She told me that my child was going to cut me off

> > and not talk to me for several years (when I was 17 and she kicked

> me

> > out of her house for the 100th time I moved in with my father and

> > didn't talk to her for several years why I got counseling for all

> of

> > the mental and emotional abuse). Her reason for my child not

> talking

> > to me when they become a teenager was because of " Karma " . I

> defended

> > myself by saying it has nothing to do with Karma it is the choices

> you

> > make as a parent that determine the relationship you have with your

> > child. I then took the advice my therapist told me so many times

> > before, " Mom, I love you but I can tell you have been drinking and

> > this conversation is over, we can finish it tomorrow if you would

> > like. " She screamed some thing I couldn't even translate and hung

> up.

> >

> > I woke up this morning to several drunken voicemails, couldn't

> really

> > understand what she was saying, she left my husband several

> messages

> > which he is really not happy about since he has been " done " with

> her

> > for quite some time.

> >

> > Sorry for such the long post, I really needed to vent. Pregnancy

> > hormones and a mother with BPD are a bad combination. I kept it

> cool

> > on the outside but sometimes she just makes my blood boil.

> >

> > My husbands family and my father and his side of my family are

> > wonderful loving people and we are all very close. My Nada is the

> only

> > problem when it comes to " family " . I just want to know how you

> parents

> > handle a Nada without letting it affect your children. The last

> thing

> > I want is for my children to be put in the middle or even be the

> > slightest bit exposed to one of her " rampages " . Do you tell your

> > child/children about BPD and their grandparent? If so, how?

> >

> > Any and all advice is VERY appreciated!! Thank you everyone in

> advance!!

> >

> > ~

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada has promised me repeatedly since I was 15 or so that I will have a child

that will wreak havoc on my life as my 'payback' for being such an evil child. 

I have two wonderful daughters and this morning my youngest hit me in the back

(she's 3) bc she was trying to get my attention.  She is very emotional and she

busrt into tears upon realizing she had hurt my feelings ( I was opening a gift

when she did it) and has NEVER hit me before.  I have NO idea what set her off

or why - but I burst into tears feeling a million emotions.  I just felt like

the world's worst mom and did not understand why my precious little girl was so

angry - so full of anger.  She is very very well taken care of and I go to great

lengths to be sensitive with her bc she is very emotional.  She does get

disciplined and we /do/ believe in spankings - but never with objects etc.  I

would never abuse my children on any level or let anyone near them - believe me,

I'd die

first.  So I was just so ... ugh. .. sorry -

 

Sorry to get offtrack - my bottom line to you was that nada's always promise

hell in the form of your children bc they think that's why they went through. 

Their world is skewed and they want you to suffer like they feel they do.  DON'T

blame yourself or let yourself fall into that trap.  it's not true.  I found

myself worrying today about my daughter and thinking about what my nada told me

for so many years - don't let her words sink in - it only fogs your thinking.

 

You'll be a great mom   People tell me I am all the time and I think I do a

good job, although I'll never be perfect (nobody is) I do the best I can and put

their interests first.  I also trust my mother's intuition - stick with that and

you'll be awesome - and FREE from nada's bad juju.

 

[Guest guest]

Oh yes- that is so my nada- she always wished that on me, that I

would have a daughter that would hurt me- like I hurt her.

Same mentality- payback- I have a great daughter. I am not saying we

don't have moments- but we are close and loving. Our nadas are sick-

pure and simple. It is a hell of thing to say to us- but are feelings

don't count- all about them.

Hang in there!

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , SDM wrote:

>

> My nada has promised me repeatedly since I was 15 or so that I will

have a child that will wreak havoc on my life as my 'payback' for

being such an evil child.  I have two wonderful daughters and this

morning my youngest hit me in the back (she's 3) bc she was trying to

get my attention.  She is very emotional and she busrt into tears

upon realizing she had hurt my feelings ( I was opening a gift when

she did it) and has NEVER hit me before.  I have NO idea what set her

off or why - but I burst into tears feeling a million emotions.  I

just felt like the world's worst mom and did not understand why my

precious little girl was so angry - so full of anger.  She is very

very well taken care of and I go to great lengths to be sensitive

with her bc she is very emotional.  She does get disciplined and

we /do/ believe in spankings - but never with objects etc.  I would

never abuse my children on any level or let anyone near them -

believe me, I'd die

> first.  So I was just so ... ugh. .. sorry -

>  

> Sorry to get offtrack - my bottom line to you was that nada's

always promise hell in the form of your children bc they think that's

why they went through.  Their world is skewed and they want you to

suffer like they feel they do.  DON'T blame yourself or let yourself

fall into that trap.  it's not true.  I found myself worrying today

about my daughter and thinking about what my nada told me for so many

years - don't let her words sink in - it only fogs your thinking.

>  

> You'll be a great mom   People tell me I am all the time and I

think I do a good job, although I'll never be perfect (nobody is) I

do the best I can and put their interests first.  I also trust my

mother's intuition - stick with that and you'll be awesome - and FREE

from nada's bad juju.

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>