ranting makes me feel better :-)

[Guest guest]

I don't know how or why I got to be " normal " in my life of craziness,

but I certainly am thankful, and if nothing else, I have learned from

my nada how not to behave or how not to treat my future children –

although sometimes I wonder if any of it were truly her fault – and

that is my current struggle. My childhood – or lack there of –

pretty much stunk! When I think back on it, I do think that children

are stronger than we give them credit for! If my nada was held

captive by an illness could she really control what she was doing or

saying – somehow I feel like that excuses my whole life – but it

doesn't make any of it fair! I have two dead beat parents,

thankfully, I'm an only child, otherwise, I'm sure I would be taking

care of a younger sibling right now (which, I'm sure I would do and

be darn good at it, but thankful I don't have to and can travel and

do what I want and be young and free)! I remember as a kid thinking

that it wasn't fair that I had two parents who didn't want me. I

lived in a " welfare " area and many of my friends had one parent who

didn't want them (most of them where children of single moms), sure I

had a single mom – but I was really a family of one. Somehow I knew

how to " raise " myself and just kind of knew what to do – maybe from

TV? – like the importance of brushing my teeth, going to bed on time,

and getting good grades, I don't know why, it's not like anyone cared

about my grades or anyone was proud of me and I would have gotten the

same reaction if I had done poorly as well. But I graduated high

school with high honors (the ceremony unattended by my nada) and went

on to college where I earned a degree in Psychology (of all things),

and was the first in my family to graduate from college (also,

unattended by my nada – this also went unnoticed – which, I'm still

harboring bitterness about – it wasn't all that long ago – June, but

is an illness an explanation or an excuse – is there really a

difference – I don't know).

You wanna know the crazy thing? I have worked with people who have

developmental disabilities and mental illness my whole adult life –

since I could work – and I love the work that I do/did. I worked in

a group home for 2 years before joining the Peace Corps and plan on

returning to the same job – I think – I don't know if I can anymore.

Along with BPD my nada has low IQ and meets qualifications to live in

a group home that I once worked in – that's INCREDIBLY weird for me!

But the past few years, I did begin talking to my mom as if she were

a " resident " and I guess, with what I know now, I wasn't totally " out

of line " or being disrespectful and she never really caught on. It's

difficult for me to know that I can have so much compassion and be so

patient and forgiving of my residents, who physically hurt me, call

me names every shift, and then are also my best friend, but I cannot

be this compassionate or patient to my own Mother – why?

I'm still struggling in a land of no English speakers – I did finally

tell my Training Director – which was REALLY good, because the Peace

Corps has counselors " on-hand " who can call and chat over the phone

to offer support – which I need now more than ever – although I

really do have a hard time with WHY, I mean, I knew that my Mom was

different from other moms my whole life, but I guess with an

official " diagnosis " it just makes it more difficult to swallow –

like now because she wears a label, I must be more compassionate and

patient and less frustrated with her – I don't know?

[Guest guest]

I hear you. Every day I have to work with people with mental

disorders: schizophrenia, bipolar, depression, etc. I can empathize

with them all and meet them where they're at. Nada--whatever her

ultimate diagnosis may be--zero tolerance. For me I think it has to

do with anger and expectation. When I have to interact with a

mentally ill person, I pretty much go in with no expectation that

they will behave rationally, so when things get goofy it doesn't bug

me. With a mom, we've been wired from birth to expect certain basic

things from her and society reinforces that message. And when we

don't get that, we feel robbed, angry. Even more, when I found out

as an adult that my mother actually is mentally ill, I was like, why

are people still telling me to try to work things out with this woman?

>

> You wanna know the crazy thing? I have worked with people who have

> developmental disabilities and mental illness my whole adult life –

> since I could work – and I love the work that I do/did. I worked

in

> a group home for 2 years before joining the Peace Corps and plan on

> returning to the same job – I think – I don't know if I can

anymore.

> Along with BPD my nada has low IQ and meets qualifications to live

in

> a group home that I once worked in – that's INCREDIBLY weird for

me!

> But the past few years, I did begin talking to my mom as if she

were

> a " resident " and I guess, with what I know now, I wasn't

totally " out

> of line " or being disrespectful and she never really caught on.

It's

> difficult for me to know that I can have so much compassion and be

so

> patient and forgiving of my residents, who physically hurt me, call

> me names every shift, and then are also my best friend, but I

cannot

> be this compassionate or patient to my own Mother – why?

>

> I'm still struggling in a land of no English speakers – I did

finally

> tell my Training Director – which was REALLY good, because the

Peace

> Corps has counselors " on-hand " who can call and chat over the phone

> to offer support – which I need now more than ever – although I

> really do have a hard time with WHY, I mean, I knew that my Mom was

> different from other moms my whole life, but I guess with an

> official " diagnosis " it just makes it more difficult to swallow –

> like now because she wears a label, I must be more compassionate

and

> patient and less frustrated with her – I don't know?

>