Re: I need Support!

[Guest guest]

;

Welcome, I'm new too. Browse the past messages and you'll see this is your

place.Your history is so similar to other's I've read here. And you are so

fortunate, yes, to discover so early in your adulthood that your mother is

borderline. I just learned this summer, and my mother died at age 89 a few

years ago. How different my life would have been - yes would have - I'm in

my 50's - had I known at 24. You will get past these normal struggles - yes

they are normal.

Flowers in Oz

----- Original Message -----

Right now, I just need a " safe place " to vent and share with people

who don't know me and therefore, won't possibly be able to judge me

and may be going through very similar things. And support - only I

don't know where to get - please tell me all these struggles

are " normal, " after all, all any of us want is to be " normal. " If

this is the wrong forum - please accept my heartfelt apologies and

assist me in finding a group where this would fit. Thank you for

letting me tell my story - I don't know how often I'll come here -

I'm at an internet café that I pay to be at - so I have limited time -

thank you all!

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, , and bless you for the good work you

are doing.

It is hard to come to full understanding and acceptance that our

mother/father is severely mentally ill, and for our whole life we have

been *told who we are* by someone who is basically very emotionally

disturbed, unstable, and unable to parent properly.

(In my more cartoonish moments, I liken it to being raised by sharks.

Unlike Tarzan, who was lucky enough to have been adopted by gorillas

who were loving and nurturing, we were raised by a pod of sharks and

miraculously not eaten, but in constant danger of it. Creepy.)

Its like being brainwashed. As adults, when we manage to escape from

our bpd parents, we go in search of our original, authentic selves

underneath all the brainwashing.

If you find a good therapist to talk to in your current environment,

that would be great, but even if you have to wait please feel free to

come here. One member made a great suggestion, about finding a

therapist familiar with bpd who will work with you over the phone.

You'll find lots of members here who are at your same stage of coming

to grips with having a bpd parent, people who can share similar

stories with you as you work out your plans and issues and questions

for your situation.

I've always admired people who go into the Peace Corps; best wishes to

you.

-Annie

>

> When my mom received her diagnosis, I didn't realize that I would

> need support also. My whole life I knew my mom was different than

> other moms, she didn't love me - -not the way my friend's moms loved,

> anyway, but then sometimes she did – it was always hard to tell. I

> am an only child of a single mom and I didn't get to have a

> childhood – one of us had to be the grown up and it surely wasn't'

> going to be her. She was a substance abuser and did everything from

> marijuana to crack. I'm 24 now and my mom and I talk every now and

> then, but we aren't close – we never really have been – she went to a

> hospital where she received care for depression – she has pulled her

> life together and I am proud of her for what she has overcome. She

> recently began diagnostic testing where it was determined that, yes,

> in fact; she did have BPD, along with depression and low IQ. This

> helps to explain most of my life – but does not excuse her behavior…

> right now I'm having a difficult time distinguishing explanations

> from excuses – it's something I'm working on. (I am closer with my

> Aunt than my Mom and my Aunt passes along the information).

>

> Her diagnosis comes at a time when my access to technology is VERY

> limited. I'm currently working in Kazakhstan with the Peace Corps.

> I'm in a place where I have very few friends and people already don't

> understand what I say most of the time. I would be terrified to tell

> any of my friends – I struggle with the thought that people will

> judge me based on what they know about my mom because I think people

> do judge based on family – this has been an on-going struggle my

> whole life, I am nothing like my mom.

>

> I looked information up about this illness and now have become

> paranoid for myself. First because I am in the age range of when this

> illness normally becomes apparent and secondly because the

> environmental causes of this illness were all a part of my young

> life. I sometimes think about the future children I may or may not

> have, however silly that may be, and how they will be predisposed and

> they will not have the same kind of relationship with Grandma that

> other children get.

>

> Right now, I just need a " safe place " to vent and share with people

> who don't know me and therefore, won't possibly be able to judge me

> and may be going through very similar things. And support – only I

> don't know where to get – please tell me all these struggles

> are " normal, " after all, all any of us want is to be " normal. " If

> this is the wrong forum – please accept my heartfelt apologies and

> assist me in finding a group where this would fit. Thank you for

> letting me tell my story – I don't know how often I'll come here –

> I'm at an internet café that I pay to be at – so I have limited time –

> thank you all!

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group, ! I know you'll find support here and

I encourage you to visit the site as often as possible. It sounds

like you're in the right place.

I think you'll find with time that it will be easier to talk about

your mom with your friends. As we grow in our recovery, we learn

that healthy people don't see your mother's problems as yours. That

being said, though, it is very difficult for people who don't have

experience with BPD to understand exactly how screwed up and crazy-

making life is with BPs. Your friends will likely be sympathetic as

much as they can, and they won't understand like members here will.

I think it's absolutely " normal " for KOs to fear turning into a BP

just like their BPD parent. I've been afraid of being like my mother

(nada) all my life. And it's a really good sign that you won't

because you're here! You're doing your work, you're very different

from your mom, you recognize that your relationship with your mother

isn't healthy and wasn't growing up. Hang in there. You're exactly

where you need to be right now on your path.

Be very gentle and kind with yourself, too. Beginning this process

is difficult. You have many friends here to reach out to, though.

Lots of loving support from here.

>

> When my mom received her diagnosis, I didn't realize that I would

> need support also. My whole life I knew my mom was different than

> other moms, she didn't love me - -not the way my friend's moms

loved,

> anyway, but then sometimes she did – it was always hard to tell.

I

> am an only child of a single mom and I didn't get to have a

> childhood – one of us had to be the grown up and it surely wasn't'

> going to be her. She was a substance abuser and did everything

from

> marijuana to crack. I'm 24 now and my mom and I talk every now and

> then, but we aren't close – we never really have been – she went

to a

> hospital where she received care for depression – she has pulled

her

> life together and I am proud of her for what she has overcome.

She

> recently began diagnostic testing where it was determined that,

yes,

> in fact; she did have BPD, along with depression and low IQ. This

> helps to explain most of my life – but does not excuse her

behavior…

> right now I'm having a difficult time distinguishing explanations

> from excuses – it's something I'm working on. (I am closer with my

> Aunt than my Mom and my Aunt passes along the information).

>

> Her diagnosis comes at a time when my access to technology is VERY

> limited. I'm currently working in Kazakhstan with the Peace

Corps.

> I'm in a place where I have very few friends and people already

don't

> understand what I say most of the time. I would be terrified to

tell

> any of my friends – I struggle with the thought that people will

> judge me based on what they know about my mom because I think

people

> do judge based on family – this has been an on-going struggle my

> whole life, I am nothing like my mom.

>

> I looked information up about this illness and now have become

> paranoid for myself. First because I am in the age range of when

this

> illness normally becomes apparent and secondly because the

> environmental causes of this illness were all a part of my young

> life. I sometimes think about the future children I may or may

not

> have, however silly that may be, and how they will be predisposed

and

> they will not have the same kind of relationship with Grandma that

> other children get.

>

> Right now, I just need a " safe place " to vent and share with

people

> who don't know me and therefore, won't possibly be able to judge

me

> and may be going through very similar things. And support – only

I

> don't know where to get – please tell me all these struggles

> are " normal, " after all, all any of us want is to be " normal. " If

> this is the wrong forum – please accept my heartfelt apologies and

> assist me in finding a group where this would fit. Thank you for

> letting me tell my story – I don't know how often I'll come here –

> I'm at an internet café that I pay to be at – so I have limited

time –

> thank you all!

>

[Guest guest]

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, December 23, 2008 5:10:27 AM

Subject: I need Support!

Hi .

I'm new on this forum and learning everytime I read other's posts.  From what

you shared and wrote I think you are in the right place.

Keep reading all you can and post as often as you are able.  It really helps to

find other's who have shared your feelings and thoughts and have had similar

experiences.

I was your age when I first saw a therapist, one of the many in the years to

follow.  I had no idea what was wrong with me, but, I knew something was just

not quite right.  I felt like an " evil " person and was very reluctant to ever

open up to anyone about my family, my mother in particular.  I held in alot for

way too long.  I tried to obliviate the awful feelings I felt in any way I

could. Reality was just too much for me to bear.  I lived in my fantasy world

where I had a normal family and a loving kind mother (after all she told me what

a good mother she was constantly).  I had no idea what I felt or thought because

my mother would always drum into my head her reality.  I believed what she said

and constantly questioned myself. I have experienced so much inner turmoil, so

much guilt, so much self loathing for even thinking something was wrong with my

mother.  It was me, I was making up all of this in my head.  I couldn't even

begin to

explain to anyone what I had experienced.  Noone would understand, noone would

believe me. 

Over thirty years of seeing therapists, always feeling like something was wrong

with me and never finding the answer.I'm not even sure what the question was....

By chance about 6 months ago I began learning about BPD.  I became obsessed with

reading everything I could online.  I felt like all of a sudden everything was

clear.  I began to understand...as others have said " I had my lightbulb moment " .

I'm now in my late fifties and realizing how different my life might have been

if only I knew....But, I do know now and my journey has just begun. I have to

UNlearn what I had been taught and begin anew. I have to learn about boundaries,

about what is acceptable and not acceptable, about when enough is enough, about

loving and respecting myself.  I look forward to this as I feel I have a

direction now, I have a deeper understanding of myself  that I never thought

would be possible.

You are very fortunate to have this insight and knowledge at your age. You have

the opprtunity to help yourself so that you will be able to find happiness, 

peace of mind and contentment.

Read all you can, reach out to others on this forum and know you are in a safe

place amongst people who really understand.  Get the support you know you need

(I didn't even know I needed support) . You will get validation  here (that has

been the most important to me) and caring support .

Right now, I just need a " safe place " to vent and share with people

who don't know me and therefore, won't possibly be able to judge me

and may be going through very similar things. And support – only I

don't know where to get – please tell me all these struggles

are " normal, " after all, all any of us want is to be " normal. " If

this is the wrong forum – please accept my heartfelt apologies and

assist me in finding a group where this would fit. Thank you for

letting me tell my story – I don't know how often I'll come here –

I'm at an internet café that I pay to be at – so I have limited time –

thank you all!