Re: I desperately want my own family, but I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

[Guest guest]

i have advice. it isn't fun advice, but i think it's important. if

i feel like someone is " thrilling " to be around, i know that is NOT a

person i can have ANY KIND of a relationship with. i don't know if

this is true or not, but i have the feeling that maybe bps, their

kids, and their spouses might actually FEEL emotions more vividly. i

don't know if that makes any sense... i think maybe the highs are

potentially higher, the lows are potentially lower, and the abusive

relationships are potentially more addictive. i know that if i let

myself, i could get stuck in ALL kinds of bad situations. it's lame

to be constantly vigilant, but it's worth it to have a more or less

stable life with a bad ass husband who thinks i'm awesome.

i think it is possible to ween yourself off of the crazies. my dad

is addicted to crazies. i went out with a complete crazy before i

started going out with my husband. a TON of my guy friends love the

crazies. i guess it's just exciting to never know from one day to

the next whether you're the best ever or the worst thing that ever

happened to them. it took me 2 years after going out with my crazy

ex boyfriend to rebuild a strong sense of self. i was completely

devastated. i didn't know who i was or what i wanted. it's amazing

now that i think about it. i was so beat down. the immediate urge

was to go out with someone asap and fill the void, but i didn't want

to suck anyone down into my depression with me. so i just sucked it

up and had a 2 year long social experiment: i paid attention to the

way people made me feel, and if ANYONE made me feel like my ex did, i

knew it would be bad.

make any sense?

bink

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions???

>

> -Rod

>

[Guest guest]

I also tend to be with the " wrong " type of person as well. I'm not

sure that they are crazy but they definitely end up treating me like

crap or become unavailable after chasing me.

Now that I have gone NC with my family I just don't know what to say

when I meet someone new. I mean I don't want to share all of this

nada crap and scare someone off but on the other hand I feel like I am

lying if I don't tell them that I am NC. I worry that " normal " people

will stay far far away from someone who is NC with their family. Do

you worry about that as well?

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC? For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the cycle.

> Any suggestions???

>

> -Rod

>

[Guest guest]

a little yes and a little no. i don't talk about my mom in public

too often, but when i do, i am totally surprised at how many of my

coworkers and family members have " crazy mom stories, " to the point

where they have had to limit contact. if i'm dealing with a person

who won't hear my side of the story, that's really not someone i want

to deal with in the long run. i'm a nice, smart, and generous

person, and if someone doubts that i have good reason for limiting my

contact with my mom, that's their problem.

bink

> >

> > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

NC? For

> > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> > family members.

> >

> > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

sure if

> > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married

a

> > borderline (my nada).

> >

> > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> > Any suggestions???

> >

> > -Rod

> >

>

[Guest guest]

very good point. i never really thought about it that way before. i

guess i should look at this NC thing as a way to weed out the jerks.

thanks bink!!!!

> > >

> > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

> NC? For

> > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> other

> > > family members.

> > >

> > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

> sure if

> > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married

> a

> > > borderline (my nada).

> > >

> > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> cycle.

> > > Any suggestions???

> > >

> > > -Rod

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I feel so bad for you and know what it's like to question your own

decisions. I wouldn't say there is a " natural draw " though. It's just

a pattern, and patterns can be broken. I talk with my therapist a lot

about this because my biggest fear is becoming like my nada or

allowing other abusive people ( " crazies " ) into my life. As she would

say, the fact that you are concerned about it means you probably

won't make that mistake.

A book that helped me a lot was Toxic Parents. Also therapy is a

wonderful thing that can help you as you search for someone wonderful

to start a family with. Sounds like you've been through a lot so it

might also just feel great to get it all off your chest!

I was in a women's group with a love of them going through divorces

or separations from someone abusive/crazy. (I was going through

separation from my bpd parent.) One of the things the therapist

suggested for them that might work great for you is to create two

lists. One list of the things you want to avoid in a mate, or the

warning signs you missed in the past. One list of the things you want

to find in a mate. When you date someone, use them like checklists.

It doesn't sound very romantic, I know, but it is important to detach

and look at the relationship objectively to make sure your needs are

really taken care of.

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions???

>

> -Rod

>

[Guest guest]

There is hope for you!!!

 

My MIL is BPD. My husband NEVER wanted to get married or have kids his whole

life....

 

Then he met me. I am not BPD, my MIL is!!

He was shocked when all of his negative feelings about marriage & kids changed.

When we met. Just look for the right girl.

 

You need someone who is:

optimistic

Positive

Happy

Successful.. in all aspects of life, wrk, family, friends, finances etc.

~finding someone with these traits would be helpful to you, as they are the

opisite o BPD. Your love should be like a breath of fresh air.... or as a OK...

your love may be like your first breath. Teaching you the positive aspects of

life.

The right person is out there for you.

 

Just be confident that you won't repeat the cycle.

& enjoy your life!! If you don't want a BPD.. you can avoid them,at least as

significant others

Good luck

 

nerak

Subject: I desperately want my own family, but I fear ending

up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 2:15 AM

Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC? For

me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my other

family members.

Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure if

I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

borderline (my nada).

I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the cycle.

Any suggestions? ??

-Rod

[Guest guest]

i have noticed i get a tingle around borderlines.  i mean.. before i ever get to

know them, there is this feeling of excitement and familiarity. i have learned

that it means I should run screaming and never look back.  i think we tend to

get a flash of recognition when something is familiar....on a chemical level or

whatever.  that is bad news when dysfunction is what is most familiar to you. 

.....so when you have that instant spark with someone it should cause you to ask

yourself a few questions before you leap.  or at least apply the brakes and see

how it goes. 

 

i have mainly had this happen with friends who are women (like me) and not

boyfriends, per se.  in my situation i think i am trying to recreate the

scenario with someone like nada with  the (false) hope of getting it right. 

maybe you are, too.    OR maybe we're attracted to them so we can leave them in

our dust when that is the very thing we struggle doing to nada.

 

just some thoughts.

Subject: I desperately want my own family, but I fear ending

up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC? For

me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my other

family members.

Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure if

I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

borderline (my nada).

I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the cycle.

Any suggestions? ??

-Rod

[Guest guest]

GAH! THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME CHECKLIST THAT I HAVE FOR MY FRIEND

WHO'S MOM IS BP!

i'm going to add the following:

1. someone who is independent enough to take care of herself (not

depend on you to rescue her)

2. honest enough to tell you what she wants (not try to manipulate

you into reading her mind)

3. and secure enough to know you care (i don't know about you, but my

pal doesn't say the standard " i care " lines, but if you pay

attention, he has other ways of showing it).

bink

>

>

> Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 2:15 AM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions? ??

>

> -Rod

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thats a great list. I have a lot of those qualities & they complement my husband

well. I assume that you just need the opposite of a BPD.

 

Thats what I am to my husband, the opposite of a BPD & it works so well for him.

 

When we first met he was so shocked by a lot of the traits that I have.

Traits that are so different from what he is used to.

 

If in your 'soul mate' you look for anyone who is not like your mom.. you will

be so content & calm with her.

 

Our ONLY problem, is his nada. She makes me crazy!----- thats what leads me

here.

 

 

Subject: Re: I desperately want my own family, but I fear

ending up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 2:56 AM

GAH! THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME CHECKLIST THAT I HAVE FOR MY FRIEND

WHO'S MOM IS BP!

i'm going to add the following:

1. someone who is independent enough to take care of herself (not

depend on you to rescue her)

2. honest enough to tell you what she wants (not try to manipulate

you into reading her mind)

3. and secure enough to know you care (i don't know about you, but my

pal doesn't say the standard " i care " lines, but if you pay

attention, he has other ways of showing it).

bink

>

> From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@.. .>

> Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> Date: Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 2:15 AM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions? ??

>

> -Rod

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's sad to think that having a spark with someone may mean that

they're absolutely wrong for me. Makes me rethink the dates I went

on where there was no spark.

But I think the spark thing is true. I met someone last week where

there was an immediate spark. Two dates later I realized she's

crazy (most probably BPD). I ended it, and now I may have a stalker

on my hands.

-Rod

>

>

> Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions? ??

>

> -Rod

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Very few people would understand why someone would break off

communication with their mother. Even worse are the people who have

met my mom briefly, and then find out that I no longer speak with

her. Borderlines are apparently very loving and caring on first

impression, so I come off looking horrible.

I used to talk about my family all the time. They meant the world

to me. I think I can still talk about my siblings and my dad,

though they may eventually want to meet them. Since my whole family

has turned against me since I've gone NC, that would be very

difficult.

To answer your questions, yes I do worry about that, and I have no

solution. However, it bothers me less now than it did in the past.

That's becuase one of my biggest fears was exposing the woman I

loved to my nada, have nada hurt her, and me not be able to stand up

for her (my depression makes me freeze up in those situations). At

least now that won't happen. I don't plan on exposing anyone to

nada, and if I do, I now have the strenght to fight back if she

steps out of line.

-Rod

> >

> > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

NC? For

> > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and

my

> > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> > family members.

> >

> > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

sure if

> > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married

a

> > borderline (my nada).

> >

> > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> > Any suggestions???

> >

> > -Rod

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know exactly what you guys mean, because its only fairly recently

that I have admitted to myself the fact that my mother is actually

rather severely mentally ill, so people I've known for 20 years are

used to me speaking about my nada in friendly terms. The only thing

in my favor is that my nada lives on the other side of the country,

and nada hasn't met many of the people I know and work with here.

Still, it makes it very awkward when these old acquaintances will ask

me, " How is your family? " and I answer, " My Sister and my nephew are

fine. " And when pressed, I simply say my mother is " fine " also.

My close friends know the whole story, but to acquaintances and

work-related friends everything is simply " fine. "

Yes, if I ever do have the opportunity again to date some nice fellow,

it will be... interesting... to have to explain why I keep a physical

and emotional distance from my mother. At least I have a loving

Sister, nephew and his wife to introduce a potential SO to. I count

my blessings there, very gratefully.

So my advice on what to say to a new person you are dating RE your

family is something like: " Well, I'm not close to my parents, but I am

close to my (XYZ relatives And/Or my good friends UVW) and I'd love

you to meet him/her/them sometime. "

If pressed for details, I'd say something like, " It makes me sad, but

the truth is that my parent(s) have borderline personality disorder,

and she/he/they've been abusive to me pretty much my whole life. But

that's in the past now. I am so glad that you are close with your

family; I feel lucky to feel close to my XYZ relatives (or my good

friends who feel like family). " Or something like that.

Accentuate the positive, in other words.

Keep reminding yourself: Its not your fault that your

mother/father/family is mentally ill. You did not cause them to be

mentally ill, they came that way. You are not bad nor should you feel

guilty for distancing yourself from and protecting yourself from abuse

by a mentally ill person.

Its unfortunate that in our culture/society we do not have a term for

" divorcing one's parents, " but an emotional divorce is in essence what

we are going through. It is a matter of survival to divorce ourselves

from those who are abusing us, whether it is emotional abuse, physical

abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse, or any combination. We were

not put on this earth to be a punching bag for a brain-damaged, angry

parent, or a living host for a parent who acts like a human parasite;

we have the basic right to live our own lives as free adults, to be

responsible for our own decisions, and to find our own joy.

If our parents were mentally healthy, that is what they would want for us.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

> NC? For

> > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and

> my

> > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> other

> > > family members.

> > >

> > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

> sure if

> > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married

> a

> > > borderline (my nada).

> > >

> > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> cycle.

> > > Any suggestions???

> > >

> > > -Rod

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think perspective boyfriends/girlfriends take their cues from us, in terms of

how okay it is that we're NC with our families.

I'm pretty matter-of-fact with just about everybody these days -- when my family

comes up, I just say my mother has a mental illness and as a result of that has

turned my entire family against me! End of story. People are usually surprised

to hear it, since I'm a pretty nice person, but as long as I don't invest it

with any hint of bitterness, they seem to accept it and we move on.

Honestly, the kind of person I'd want to be involved with wouldn't be put off by

something like that. My last boyfriend was a K.O. too, so he was really

grateful to be with someone who understood what his childhood was like. But I

think even people from " normal " families can accept that some of us have crazy

parents without holding it against us.

S

Re: I desperately want my own family, but I fear

ending up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Very few people would understand why someone would break off

> communication with their mother. Even worse are the people who

> have

> met my mom briefly, and then find out that I no longer speak

> with

> her. Borderlines are apparently very loving and caring on first

> impression, so I come off looking horrible.

>

> I used to talk about my family all the time. They meant the

> world

> to me. I think I can still talk about my siblings and my dad,

> though they may eventually want to meet them. Since my whole

> family

> has turned against me since I've gone NC, that would be very

> difficult.

>

> To answer your questions, yes I do worry about that, and I have

> no

> solution. However, it bothers me less now than it did in the

> past.

> That's becuase one of my biggest fears was exposing the woman I

> loved to my nada, have nada hurt her, and me not be able to

> stand up

> for her (my depression makes me freeze up in those situations).

> At

> least now that won't happen. I don't plan on exposing anyone to

> nada, and if I do, I now have the strenght to fight back if she

> steps out of line.

>

> -Rod

>

>

> > >

> > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they

> go

> NC? For

> > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing

> end

> > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend

> and

> my

> > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time

> with my

> other

> > > family members.

> > >

> > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for

> the

> > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm

> not

> sure if

> > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw

> as my

> > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father

> married

> a

> > > borderline (my nada).

> > >

> > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break

> the

> cycle.

> > > Any suggestions???

> > >

> > > -Rod

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have had that stalker thing happen in some of those friendships.  I think it

happened in my case because I was immediately attracted to the relationship and

was very open...then noticed the bpd stuff and got scared and withdrew.  the bpd

person is so afraid of abandonment that it makes them go into hot pursuit.  you

just have to be firm (which is hard because it is like having to face your BPD

parent) and become a broken record.  " You're a very nice person but I am not

interested in dating "   You don't have to say why or justify yourself at all.  " I

am not interested in dating you. I wish you well "    Of course, if the person

gets too crazy you might have to take other steps, but usually being firm and

making sure not to send mixed signals will take care of it.  the good news is

the first step in ending an unhealthy pattern is becoming aware that it is a

pattern! 

 

Might some of those no-spark or low-spark dates you had still be interested in a

second date?   you never know...

 

good luck with everything and keep us posted.

 

K

Subject: Re: I desperately want my own family, but I fear

ending up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 12:26 AM

It's sad to think that having a spark with someone may mean that

they're absolutely wrong for me. Makes me rethink the dates I went

on where there was no spark.

But I think the spark thing is true. I met someone last week where

there was an immediate spark. Two dates later I realized she's

crazy (most probably BPD). I ended it, and now I may have a stalker

on my hands.

-Rod

>

> From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@.. .>

> Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions? ??

>

> -Rod

>

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[Guest guest]

Look for the possitive here!!

 

Keep your guard up. But know that you can be happy.

 There is someone out there for you. Don't let your nada polish you off, by

affecting you in your personal life. You can be happy. You can find someone!!

She can't control the rest of your life. DON " T LET HER!!

 

keep looking for the right girl, you can find her. Sure its a needle in the

haystack kind of thing... but once you find that needle, its great!

 

as I told you before, my husband never thought he would ever marry, before he

met me. Luckally fireworks went off & things are great!!!

 

Stay positive!

 

Nerak

Subject: Re: I desperately want my own family, but I fear

ending up with a woman like my nada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 5:26 AM

It's sad to think that having a spark with someone may mean that

they're absolutely wrong for me. Makes me rethink the dates I went

on where there was no spark.

But I think the spark thing is true. I met someone last week where

there was an immediate spark. Two dates later I realized she's

crazy (most probably BPD). I ended it, and now I may have a stalker

on my hands.

-Rod

>

> From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@.. .>

> Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions? ??

>

> -Rod

>

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[Guest guest]

Me too, re dating stalkers and one friend from childhood who turned

out (surprise!) to have narcissism pd. I had inadvertently hurt her

feelings a few years back and I apologized, but she only pretended to

forgive me and then apparently thought she was entitled to revenge and

harassed me for over 2 years on the Internet ( " anonymously " .)

It would not surprise me at all if studies show (if there are any such

studies) that date-related stalkers and angry-revenge

stalker/harassers all turn out to have " Cluster B " pds.

Would not surprise me in the slightest.

-Annie

> >

> > From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@ .>

> > Subject: I desperately want my own family, but

> I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

> For

> > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> other

> > family members.

> >

> > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

> if

> > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> > borderline (my nada).

> >

> > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> cycle.

> > Any suggestions? ??

> >

> > -Rod

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi, Rod:

Rebuilding your life will likely be a life-long project. But the fun

is in he getting there, now that you're feeling free.

Yes, all people have the tendency to marry people whose behavior is

familiar to them--in your case, " crazy " women. I would reccomend

finding a good therapist to help you overcome your tendency to pick

someone who isn't right for you--especially since you want to stat a

family.

An author named Harville Hendrix wrote a book called " Getting the

Love You Want, " and in it he talks about this tendency we have to

bring parental issues into our adult relationships. I am not backing

his methods because I don't know a lot about them, but it wouldn't

hurt to look it up in the library.

Warmly,

Randi Kreger

BPDCentral.com

Welcome to Oz Community Owner

The Essential Family Guide to BPD

Randi @ BPDCentral.com

>

> Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go NC?

For

> me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

other

> family members.

>

> Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not sure

if

> I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married a

> borderline (my nada).

>

> I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

cycle.

> Any suggestions???

>

> -Rod

>

[Guest guest]

here's the thing about stalkers: you HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY COMMITTED

in breaking the relationship. if you're wishy washy, you're never

going to get rid of them, and honestly, the wishy washiness is really

bad for the stalker. i mean, this is a person who craves attention

so much that they will cling to the dregs of hope and in their heads

construct a relationship out of it. creepy, yes, but also very sad

and lonely.

the big problem about telling a stalker to go away is to stick with

the initial " stop stalking me " sentiment. there was this guy who was

stalking me at work. like, he would sit right next to me and stare

at me when i was on the phone with customers. finally i was like,

STOP STALKING ME! he looked totally sad and said, " i was just trying

to be your friend... "

this is where most people get hung up. they start second-guessing

themselves and feeling like complete jerks. don't feel like a jerk.

they're being creepy. i said, " that is not how you become my

friend. stop stalking me. " i felt cold-hearted for a while, but

seriously...that was creepy behavior.

bink

> > >

> > > From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@ .>

> > > Subject: I desperately want my own family,

but

> > I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > > Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

NC?

> > For

> > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and

my

> > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> > other

> > > family members.

> > >

> > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

sure

> > if

> > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father

married a

> > > borderline (my nada).

> > >

> > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> > cycle.

> > > Any suggestions? ??

> > >

> > > -Rod

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

here's the thing about stalkers: you HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY COMMITTED

in breaking the relationship. if you're wishy washy, you're never

going to get rid of them, and honestly, the wishy washiness is really

bad for the stalker. i mean, this is a person who craves attention

so much that they will cling to the dregs of hope and in their heads

construct a relationship out of it. creepy, yes, but also very sad

and lonely.

the big problem about telling a stalker to go away is to stick with

the initial " stop stalking me " sentiment. there was this guy who was

stalking me at work. like, he would sit right next to me and stare

at me when i was on the phone with customers. finally i was like,

STOP STALKING ME! he looked totally sad and said, " i was just trying

to be your friend... "

this is where most people get hung up. they start second-guessing

themselves and feeling like complete jerks. don't feel like a jerk.

they're being creepy. i said, " that is not how you become my

friend. stop stalking me. " i felt cold-hearted for a while, but

seriously...that was creepy behavior.

bink

> > >

> > > From: rodsir78 <rodsir78@ .>

> > > Subject: I desperately want my own family,

but

> > I fear ending up with a woman like my nada

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > > Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 9:15 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

NC?

> > For

> > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and

my

> > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> > other

> > > family members.

> > >

> > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

sure

> > if

> > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father

married a

> > > borderline (my nada).

> > >

> > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> > cycle.

> > > Any suggestions? ??

> > >

> > > -Rod

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Very well put. Thank you for the advice. For now, I can introduce

anyone I meet to my friends. When my other family members realize

how crazy nada is and decide to join me in the real world, I can

introduce her to them as well.

-Rod

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they

go

> > NC? For

> > > > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing

end

> > > > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend

and

> > my

> > > > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time

with my

> > other

> > > > family members.

> > > >

> > > > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for

the

> > > > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm

not

> > sure if

> > > > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw

as my

> > > > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father

married

> > a

> > > > borderline (my nada).

> > > >

> > > > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break

the

> > cycle.

> > > > Any suggestions???

> > > >

> > > > -Rod

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

And for those who have fears about being adequate parents themselves,

Hendrix also wrote a book with his wife called " Giving the Love that

Heals. "

> >

> > Anyone else have trouble rebuilding their lives after they go

NC?

> For

> > me, I went NC after a great relationship came to a crashing end

> > because of nada. So, within a month, I lost my girlfriend and my

> > FOO. While my nada was crazy, I did enjoy spending time with my

> other

> > family members.

> >

> > Now, even though I have what I call " crazydar " (a radar for the

> > crazies) I still end up with women who are unstable. I'm not

sure

> if

> > I'm drawn to them or what? I know there is a natural draw as my

> > paternal grandfather married a borderline, and my father married

a

> > borderline (my nada).

> >

> > I'm now eager to build my own family, but I want to break the

> cycle.

> > Any suggestions???

> >

> > -Rod

> >

>