Bad Dreams

[Guest guest]

I've been having dreams about things that happened when I was young,

and I'm not sure why they're all of a sudden coming up like this.

Once when I was around 15 or 16, I was in my stepfather's pickup

truck, my nada driving, and we were driving down our driveway, which

was a mile long with relatively deep dropoffs along the side that

went into the woods. My mother began trying to light a cigarette,

and we started to drift to the right. I'm pretty sure she had just

smoked pot as well, and was probably high, which is normal for her.

I said, " Mom, watch what you're doing. " and she yelled at me to shut

up. Then she tried to light her cigarette again, going too fast and

not paying attention and in doing so ran us off and over the side of

the driveway, and the truck was laying against a tree, almost

completely resting on its side. (The passenger window, where I was

sitting, was smashed by the tree) We could have flipped over if the

tree wasn't there. She called my stepfather on her cell phone, and

when he came down to get us, understandably angry, she made up some

ridiculous lie that I'm sure he didn't believe. Disgusted, I

said, " Mom, you were lighting a cigarette. You weren't paying

attention. "

When we got back to our house she yelled at me for being " a self-

righteous bitch " and deliberately causing problems between she and my

stepfather. She said it with such disgust that I still remember it

to this day. She blamed me and pretty much hated me for days after

that. Things like that happened a lot.

I keep having dreams of these incidents and other ones and I can't

sleep.

[Guest guest]

I read this online and thought it was a good explanation.

A recurring dream is like communicating to someone who has his or her

attention somewhere other than on the conversation. Whenever you try

to get a message across to someone and you have not received that

person's full attention, you will probably need to repeat the message

over and over until it is heard by the receiver. Recurring dreams are

especially important to understand as they are messages from the inner

self to the outer self. The essence of the dream will be repeated over

and over until a change is made in the awareness of the dreamer. The

need for repetition indicates that the same or similar situation is

present in the life and so the same message is pertinent for the

dreamer's progression.

I would start keeping a journal and examine the feelings behind the

dreams (right when you wake up write down as much as you can remember,

especially how you felt at certain parts of the dream) and then

examine what in your current life has those same feelings. Every time

I have recurring anxious dreams it's because something in my current

life is causing the dreams. Once the real life anxiety goes away, so

do the dreams.

>

> I've been having dreams about things that happened when I was young,

> and I'm not sure why they're all of a sudden coming up like this.

>

> Once when I was around 15 or 16, I was in my stepfather's pickup

> truck, my nada driving, and we were driving down our driveway, which

> was a mile long with relatively deep dropoffs along the side that

> went into the woods. My mother began trying to light a cigarette,

> and we started to drift to the right. I'm pretty sure she had just

> smoked pot as well, and was probably high, which is normal for her.

> I said, " Mom, watch what you're doing. " and she yelled at me to shut

> up. Then she tried to light her cigarette again, going too fast and

> not paying attention and in doing so ran us off and over the side of

> the driveway, and the truck was laying against a tree, almost

> completely resting on its side. (The passenger window, where I was

> sitting, was smashed by the tree) We could have flipped over if the

> tree wasn't there. She called my stepfather on her cell phone, and

> when he came down to get us, understandably angry, she made up some

> ridiculous lie that I'm sure he didn't believe. Disgusted, I

> said, " Mom, you were lighting a cigarette. You weren't paying

> attention. "

>

> When we got back to our house she yelled at me for being " a self-

> righteous bitch " and deliberately causing problems between she and my

> stepfather. She said it with such disgust that I still remember it

> to this day. She blamed me and pretty much hated me for days after

> that. Things like that happened a lot.

>

> I keep having dreams of these incidents and other ones and I can't

> sleep.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you...That's a great idea and I'll take your advice. I'll post

in a week or two about how it worked out for me.

> >

> > I've been having dreams about things that happened when I was

young,

> > and I'm not sure why they're all of a sudden coming up like this.

> >

> > Once when I was around 15 or 16, I was in my stepfather's pickup

> > truck, my nada driving, and we were driving down our driveway,

which

> > was a mile long with relatively deep dropoffs along the side that

> > went into the woods. My mother began trying to light a

cigarette,

> > and we started to drift to the right. I'm pretty sure she had

just

> > smoked pot as well, and was probably high, which is normal for

her.

> > I said, " Mom, watch what you're doing. " and she yelled at me to

shut

> > up. Then she tried to light her cigarette again, going too fast

and

> > not paying attention and in doing so ran us off and over the side

of

> > the driveway, and the truck was laying against a tree, almost

> > completely resting on its side. (The passenger window, where I

was

> > sitting, was smashed by the tree) We could have flipped over if

the

> > tree wasn't there. She called my stepfather on her cell phone,

and

> > when he came down to get us, understandably angry, she made up

some

> > ridiculous lie that I'm sure he didn't believe. Disgusted, I

> > said, " Mom, you were lighting a cigarette. You weren't paying

> > attention. "

> >

> > When we got back to our house she yelled at me for being " a self-

> > righteous bitch " and deliberately causing problems between she

and my

> > stepfather. She said it with such disgust that I still remember

it

> > to this day. She blamed me and pretty much hated me for days

after

> > that. Things like that happened a lot.

> >

> > I keep having dreams of these incidents and other ones and I

can't

> > sleep.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Funny you wrote about having dreams about things when you were young.  I have

recently experienced that as well.  I have awoken being so angry at my nada, my

father and some relatives. Things just keep going through my head and since my

father and relatives are no longer living I can only come to my own

conclusions. And then I even get madder at everyone.  I have re-lived some

horrible incidents in my life and am so shaken up I cannot sleep.

I think alot of these dreams has to do with " awareness " that I didn't really

have validated until I joined this group.  I generally am reading these posts

before I go to bed so I fall asleep thinking about alot of things that have been

stirred up inside me.  Many repressed memories, things I chose to forget and

then reading someone's posts I relate to brings it up in my thoughts. At first

the dreams were really upsetting me.  I didn't want to feel so much emotion and

then sit up in the middle of the night not knowing what to do with all of these

feelings and memories that were running through my thoughts. But, I think this

is something I have to go through as unpleasant as it may feel.  Maybe it's the

only time I've really allowed myself to remember and feel. 

 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, December 9, 2008 12:21:17 AM

Subject: Bad Dreams

I've been having dreams about things that happened when I was young,

and I'm not sure why they're all of a sudden coming up like this.

Once when I was around 15 or 16, I was in my stepfather's pickup

truck, my nada driving, and we were driving down our driveway, which

was a mile long with relatively deep dropoffs along the side that

went into the woods. My mother began trying to light a cigarette,

and we started to drift to the right. I'm pretty sure she had just

smoked pot as well, and was probably high, which is normal for her.

I said, " Mom, watch what you're doing. " and she yelled at me to shut

up. Then she tried to light her cigarette again, going too fast and

not paying attention and in doing so ran us off and over the side of

the driveway, and the truck was laying against a tree, almost

completely resting on its side. (The passenger window, where I was

sitting, was smashed by the tree) We could have flipped over if the

tree wasn't there. She called my stepfather on her cell phone, and

when he came down to get us, understandably angry, she made up some

ridiculous lie that I'm sure he didn't believe. Disgusted, I

said, " Mom, you were lighting a cigarette. You weren't paying

attention. "

When we got back to our house she yelled at me for being " a self-

righteous bitch " and deliberately causing problems between she and my

stepfather. She said it with such disgust that I still remember it

to this day. She blamed me and pretty much hated me for days after

that. Things like that happened a lot.

I keep having dreams of these incidents and other ones and I can't

sleep.

[Guest guest]

>

> As I'm re-reading UTBM (understanding the borderline mother) other

> snippits crop up that help me where I am right now in life, and

would

> just like to share

>

> I have constant bad dreams that my husband will ultimately betray me

> with another woman, and in the dreams its always that he is

> emotionally indifferent to what he has done, seemingly uncaring

about

> my feelings and shrugs it off. When I wake and tell him about these

> dreams (I choose when to share them as it upsets him so) he thinks I

> don't trust him and gets frustrated and upset that I have such bad

> dreams about him. Finally, after all these years something in this

> UTBM has helped me process this problem

>

> Pg.139: " When young children are deliberately hurt by their mothers,

> their first instinct is to repress recognition of their mothers as

the

> source of their pain. A toddler whos mother slapped him across the

> face looked at his mother and exclaimed, " somebody hit me " The young

> child needs to preserve the image of mother as good in order to

> survive psychologically. The child concludes, therefore, that he

> deserved to be hurt. Physical, sexual, or verbal abuse delivers the

> message " you are bad " quite clearly and convincingly to a child.

> Children who are victims of chronic abuse may eventually confuse

love

> with hate. " " Such a child expects to be hurt by the person he loves "

>

> Obviously this snippet was referring to a male but I think in my

case

> it also applies. I think sub-conciously I expect my husband to do

the

> ultimate betrayal. Also my nada insisted all my life that men are

bad

> and they ultimately hurt us. That she was often cheated upon, by my

> father, husband 2, husband 3 etc....(shes on her 4th marriage!) And

> even though I spoke to my father a few years ago about this, he said

> that SHE was the one that cheated on him! funny how the truth is

> turned in her favour to be the victim. Logically it shows that she

was

> the one to f*** up the relationship, because my father has been

> married to the same woman for 21 years since leaving my nada, and my

> nada has constantly been in and out of relationships since I can

> remember. Long & short term marriages etc.

>

> *sigh* just thought I would share, to see if anyone else has similar

> abandonment/love-hate issues in their intimate relationships?

>

> Ange

> x

>

Ange,

You know I have had the exact same dreams all through my 19 yrs of

marriage. My husband and I adore each other so I never understood it

until you related it to my BPD mom. Thanks for shedding light on that

subject. Maybe now that I understand where it comes from the dreams

will stop. Tina

[Guest guest]

" Nada's are always the victim it seems. And they are horrible, awful

role models for their daughters in the relationship department - poor

boundaries, bad self esteem, neglect, narcissism etc. etc. etc. ... "

Describes my mother to a " T " !

- I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that. No one

ever deserves to be treated that way. I'm glad that you have found

someone to love you the way you should be loved, though.

I also completely agree with this theory. This is something with which

I have long struggled for that very reason - when I picture myself

with a man, I don't picture someone loving and adoring, but rather

someone else that I would have to take care of and someone who would,

for lack of a better phrase, continuously be mean to me. I am so

afraid to even enter an intimate relationship because I know that I

have no idea what unconditional love really is, nor do I really expect

it. It took me a long time to trust other people enough even to just

be friends; in high school, I used to avoid the cafeteria/commons

because I was so afraid of being rejected and verbally harassed, even

though in reality I never was. My mother never tires of her verbal

insults, but one of her favorites was always that I have no friends

and I don't like anyone, nor would anyone ever like me enough to be my

friend. I think I honestly believed her for a long time, and spent my

childhood taking care of her and thinking that I had to love her, even

though I felt so bad that I wanted to run away. I never realized how

bad she really was until I went to college and saw the way other

people interacted with their parents. Anything bad that ever happened

was my fault, no matter how big or small, and I internalized that (I

had a childhood illness and wondered how at the age of 7 I could have

done something so terrible as to deserve it), all the while loving my

mother on some level. I have lots of friends now, a couple of whom I

have known since elementary school, but I still have a hard time

trusting them sometimes . . .

My mother also used to love to tell me about how awful my dad was

being. She always said she wanted to divorce him, that he was rude to

her, treated her like sh*t, etc etc. Of course, in reality it was much

the opposite, but I never understood that as a child.

>

> It took me a lot of years to realize that when someone beat me or

verbally assaulted me, I didn't deserve it, specifically my

significant other.  I caught an ex cheating on me, walking in on them,

I spoke first, slapped him for lying to me deadpan in the face and he

proceeded to pull hair from my head as he kicked me in the head,

giving me a concussion and pounded me with his fists.  He blamed me

for the entire incident, including the cheating and violence and I

apologized for weeks.  I stayed for another year and a half.  I

figured being cheated on, being snarled at, being ripped down was part

of love.  It had to be ... being neglected and ripped apart was all my

parents ever did - why in the hell would I expect anything different?

>

> So I completely agree with the theory you mentioned.  I think it's

entirely plausible to expect the worst when it's primarily what you

have dealt with.  I have come a long way and recognized now that

unconditional love is what is real - but I had to face major fears

with my husband and I treated him very badly when we first started

dating.  I put him through the ultimate tests of his resolve to be

with me.  I wanted to be sure - on every level, that he knew what he

was getting - what I felt was a horrible, nasty, terrible and

worthless person.  He was so wonderful, how could I possibly deserve

that? 

>

> But I realized that total honesty with my fears, myself and my

husband was the only true path I could take and I did it. 

>

> My nada also re-lived her 'divorce' with my father for over 20 years

- to this day in fact - and even though she cheated, she blamed him

for sleeping with everyone in the small town they lived in - even my

second grade teacher.  Nada's are always the victim it seems.  And

they are horrible, awful role models for their daughters in the

relationship department - poor boundaries, bad self esteem, neglect,

narcissism etc. etc. etc. ...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Saturday, December 27, 2008 1:31:09 AM

> Subject: Bad dreams

>

>

> As I'm re-reading UTBM (understanding the borderline mother) other

> snippits crop up that help me where I am right now in life, and would

> just like to share

>

> I have constant bad dreams that my husband will ultimately betray me

> with another woman, and in the dreams its always that he is

> emotionally indifferent to what he has done, seemingly uncaring about

> my feelings and shrugs it off. When I wake and tell him about these

> dreams (I choose when to share them as it upsets him so) he thinks I

> don't trust him and gets frustrated and upset that I have such bad

> dreams about him. Finally, after all these years something in this

> UTBM has helped me process this problem

>

> Pg.139: " When young children are deliberately hurt by their mothers,

> their first instinct is to repress recognition of their mothers as the

> source of their pain. A toddler whos mother slapped him across the

> face looked at his mother and exclaimed, " somebody hit me " The young

> child needs to preserve the image of mother as good in order to

> survive psychologically. The child concludes, therefore, that he

> deserved to be hurt. Physical, sexual, or verbal abuse delivers the

> message " you are bad " quite clearly and convincingly to a child.

> Children who are victims of chronic abuse may eventually confuse love

> with hate. " " Such a child expects to be hurt by the person he loves "

>

> Obviously this snippet was referring to a male but I think in my case

> it also applies. I think sub-conciously I expect my husband to do the

> ultimate betrayal. Also my nada insisted all my life that men are bad

> and they ultimately hurt us. That she was often cheated upon, by my

> father, husband 2, husband 3 etc....(shes on her 4th marriage!) And

> even though I spoke to my father a few years ago about this, he said

> that SHE was the one that cheated on him! funny how the truth is

> turned in her favour to be the victim. Logically it shows that she was

> the one to f*** up the relationship, because my father has been

> married to the same woman for 21 years since leaving my nada, and my

> nada has constantly been in and out of relationships since I can

> remember. Long & short term marriages etc.

>

> *sigh* just thought I would share, to see if anyone else has similar

> abandonment/ love-hate issues in their intimate relationships?

>

> Ange

> x

>

>

>

>

>

>

>