Re: Seperation from Enmeshment

[Guest guest]

Hi luckybluejay,

Good for you putting yourself first!! Maybe I can offer some

perspective regarding how a " normal " mother would react to your

wanting space to grow and become your own person. I have a mom AND a

stepnada. My mother is capable of unconditional love and

acceptance. Stepnada dispenses love conditionally - how much you

recieve is recieve is dependent on how closely she is mirrored or how

well you meet her mercurial needs.

My sister and I had to finally go NC with stepnada. We couldn't take

the abuse anymore and my sister didn't want her children to go

through what she and I did. I didn't feel like a real person until I

untangled myself from stepnada. And I was so terrified to do so.

Now I can't imagine going back. I love my dad more than anything and

miss him terribly, but I can't justify putting myself back into that

tremendously effed up situation!

On the other hand - I have never felt a need/want for emotional or

physical space from my mom. And she in turn has never tried to keep

me from growing emotionally - she understood that I would one day be

an adult and marry, start a family, start a career, make mistakes,

and become a unique individual. She didn't percieve this natural

growth as a personal assault like stepnada did. Mom didn't make me

feel like a bad person because a week passed without a phone call -

she knows I am busy and working hard to find my own way in life. Mom

didn't ram " advice " down my throat as to what I should be, whom I

should marry, which people I should befriend. She's proud that I am

able to make my own choices and grow from the consequences. She

celebrates with me when I find success, and cries with me when I

fail. She doesn't judge. She doesn't smother me with guilt. She

isn't jealous that my affection is shared with others. She's proud

that I have so many people to love and that others love me in

return. And if there was one thing she could change for my sister

and I, it would be that stepnada never came into our lives. I don't

think my mom will ever be able to forgive herself for not fighting

harder to convince my father how abusive stepnada was, no matter how

many times my sister and I assure her that there was nothing she

could have done. We weren't ready to lose our dad, and she wasn't

willing to be the one to take him away.

I hope this helps...

{{hugs}}

allcats

>

> I've been thinking a lot about myself and what I need lately. I

have

> been arriving at the conclusion that I need some space from my

mom. I

> want to be able to make my own plans and be my own person. I want

to

> have my own beliefs and have that be ok. I feel, in my heart, like

I

> just want a little space. I feel like if I don't keep my

boundaries up

> securely I will not be able to develop into my own person. I will

be

> sucked up and turn into whomever my mom wants me to be. I DO NOT

want

> this to happen to me. I want to set some, or all, of the terms of

our

> relationship. I want freedom to do what is best for me. I want

> freedom to make mistakes. At any rate, I feel like I really just

want

> some space--emotional and physical space.

>

> Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for wanting this space to

become

> my own person. I wonder if I am causing hurt and anguish to my

> parents. So my question is this: If my mom were " normal " how

would

> she react to my need for emotional and physical space? Can anyone

else

> relate to just needing some distance for a while?

>

> Lucky

>